My diary - one day at a time

So... after a number of false starts, and 3 awful days, I finally realised I can’t do it on my own, and, too the big step last night of telling my husband what’s been happening. I was so scared, but he couldn’t have been more amazing & supportive - I was bowled over. He did say he couldn’t believe such an intelligent woman could be so stupid, as not look at the odds ... but there was shouting, no name calling, no angry ... just a lovley hug, and a promise to help. I’ve not told him how much I owe, just that it will take me 12 months to sort myself out - he knows what he needs to know; we aren’t behind on anything, there are no lay day loans, no defaults, nothing like that. He has my credit card, and will soon be getting my debit card - the only access to money I will have is via our joint billing account, which I will transfer my “spending money” into every week, and he can see what it goes on. I have worked out the numbers, and, if I stick to it I can have £1k (ish) of income left, to pay off debts.

I have never felt less like gambling in my life, I feel sick at the prospect.

All the other forum members were right about telling a partner, even if it was hard to do. I still feel deeply ashamed, but better armed in my struggle.

Well done on telling your husband and I am pleased he will be supporting you, it's such a weight off your shoulders when you aren't alone. Good on you.

Wilsy

First full day GF, since telling my husband ... I have to admit, one of the main things that kept me away today was the thought that I would be letting him down, and, the knowledge that I would have to lie to him if I slipped. It makes such a difference when you are accountable to someone else, it’s harder to break that promise. We have started a rather large jigsaw as well, that I can go to if I feel bored, and am tempted in.

I feel very hopeful ...which makes a lovley change

Very pleased your partner is being supportive, that tends to be a fairly common occurrence on here. Well done on your first day GF, we are here for you. You can and you will beat this.

Day 2 nearly done ... been really busy today. Spent some time with a famous person today, known for his work in the mental health arena, had a great chat with him (as I think my compulsive behaviour is linked to my depression). Not sure why I felt comfortable telling him about what was going on, as i’ve not told my closest friends, but, he related some of the compulsive & destructive behaviour that he engages in, when he isn’t well.

Had a little gambling itch when I got in, but just carried on with the jigsaw, and after half an hour had passed, so had the urges.

Day 3 done .. and still feeling good. Don’t get me wrong, I am still thinking of the slots, but, not playing ... I just do something else until the urges pass ....

i never noticed how many gambling sites were advertised on the telly until now .... I feel kinda embarrassed when i’m sat here with my husband, and the slot adverts are on - I think he glances over to see what I am doing on the iPad, but i’m only on here

Day 4 done ... big challenges today, I was in the house on my own today and that has been a trigger, as has Friday night, but got through them both. Still using the darn jigsaw as a distraction ... it’s really hard, which is a good thing.

Day 5 successfully navigated. Must admit it’s been a hard day, really felt tempted at times, but just distracted myself. Finally worked out his much I owe .. it’s a horrible number, but do-able. If I only make minimum payments, it would take 4 years ... but I intend to make much higher payments. The thought crossed my mind about trying to win the money to help clear my debt ... hoe ridiculous.

Hello Horall

A massive help to me was putting the blocks into place. I then knew i couldn't gamble even if i tried and the gambling thoughts were lessened. Still sounds like you have the option to gamble open when you talk about just trying to distract yourself to stop you? This could easily go wrong even with the best intentions. I would suggest getting blocking software for your devices to help you through this!

All the best

Day 6 done .... massive urges today, I think it’s just because it’s Sunday, and I always used to play slots on a Sunday. Turns out my financial restrictions have worked well ! I can’t gamble from my current account as all that is accounted for - normally I would have spent it, then used my credit card, or gambled on my credit card ... but gave the credit card to my husband, so no can do. I tried to see if I could get my credit card number from anywhere, but can’t. I even considered taking it from my husbands wallet, but he had it on him (i’m going to tell him to put it somewhere I don’t know). I probably could have found a way if I wanted, but, I just rode it out, read the forum, and read a bit of Allen Carr. Delighted to have go through unscathed ...

I’m not sure if most people know this, but I’ll mention it anyway. Instead of paying for blocking software online, you can contact your bank and ask them to put a mask on your card. It’s free. What it does is it blocks your card from being used for all online transactions and you’ll only be able to use your card at a cash machine. Just a thought.

Thought I would come back with an update ... as it’s been weeks.

Still GF, and hubby has control of the finances. I’ve not been here as I found all the “counting of days” etc, to be a bit triggering, so just decided to stay away. No idea how many days i’ve done, I can just say “weeks & weeks”

Mentally I feel so much better, I hadn’t realised how effected the whole of my life had become .. I was constantky on-edge, or angry; I felt weak & out of control; and money just loomed over me the whole time. Not gambling feels so freeing - I still hav3va debt to pay off, but i’ll Just have to pay it off ... there is no “big win” coming along to pay it off (there never was).

I feel embarrassed when gambling site adverts come on the television, i’m not sure hubby understands 100% , and I can’t believe I fell for thier lies .... I just pretend they are not on.

So this year is all about clearing the debt, it will take time, but ever week it gets smaller not bigger. I do still think about the slots, but then I remember how miserable they make me, and I go and do something that makes me happy instead

I wonder when those intrusive thoughts will stop? The ones that try to tempt me back to the slots ? I’m not acting on them, i’m enjoying feeling normal.

It’s nice not too have got to this point in the month & be panicking about paying my bills, I know exactly how much is in my account, and check every day. I am about £400 better off at this point in the month, and haven’t used my credit cards at all. I just need to keep thinking about how the debt is getting smaller, it will take time, but it will go.

Just came back to give an update ...

So, I’ve not gambled for about 4 months now, my overdraft (around £1800) is paid off, I have money in my bank account at the end of the month. Don’t get my wrong, I am still carrying debt, but, it’s going down and not going up. I feel happier, and much calmer without those slots looming over me.

It was signing Gamstop that made all the difference .. I just can’t access the sites, and the longer I go, since the last time I was on the slots, the easier it is. I’m not beating myself up, it was an awful and dark few years ... the debt is the only reminder, but, in a couple of years it will all be gone.

I have no desire to get back on that horrid gambling treadmill

Hi Horall so pleased to see the progress you have made and hope I will get to that point too. I too was incredibly lucky when I decided to tell my husband 2 weeks ago that I had been lying for the last 2 years and had returned to gambling and racked up about 37k in debt and therefore was not in a position to be buying a house next year. The guilt and shame I feel is horrible but it was such a relief to tell him and have it out in the open and amazed by how supportive he has been. He has control of my finances and credit report and this weekend he has been away and left me alone for the weekend and I haven’t had an urge. I am two weeks and 1 day gf today. I had my first therapy session this evening which helped to discuss deeper matters and they are going to look at ways to manage stress. I am focussed on the future and to clearing debt and saving for the house. Here’s to a gf life and wishing u all the best