My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Day 23 Of My Recovery :

Yesterday was easy after a rocky start when I woke up feeling down and angry and alot of other things. Betfilter is helping - just another tool / block to help me while im away from home. Spent quite alot of time on here yesterday reading other peoples diarys. Good somtimes to see and hear what others are going through. Going to give myself a calm day today - gambling aint an option unless I go out , walk into a PC store and steal a machine 😉 Im learning more each day about what true recovery takes. Its tiring somtimes and takes energy , almost as much energy as when I was deep in th gambling frenzy. I can feel some patterns are changing though. Im 23 days (not bet free) but of those 23 days only 2 have been wasted with gambling. Without doubt I have saved money lots of it from being lost. Next week is an acid test.

Have a block of money arriving, it needs to go straight out to creditors, and I will be back home. First thing im going to do is buy another betfilter licence so that all my systems will then be locked down. Thanks all for your support and replys here. Its so helpfull - the support I get. Onwards ... Blocked.

Hi Blocked

What can i say m8.aprt from Great determination.Reading your posts it seems that you have really got your act together.Keep that money safe Blocked.Sounds like you do a lot of travelling and hard work.You now realise you dont want to give it to someone who just sits about doing nothing.Great work Blocked keep it up Jeff.

Hi Blocked

Just been catching up with your diary, sorry to read that you've had a couple of slips over these past few weeks.

As you've previously said to me these slips do happen, the important thing is to reconise where we went wrong and try and put that bit right., and then move on from it and try again.

Thats what i'm attempting to do and i know that you are too.

I get that lost, drowning in debt feeling all the time, but as you mentioned we learn a little bit more about

just how to deal with what we are all trying to achieve here.

Keep strong mate

All the best and thanks for your support on my diary

I hope you can stay strong Blocked. Post on your diary good or bad...keep the momentum up.

Jas x

Hi very selfish of me not to reply or say thanks to others who have checked up on me. All bad again.

Zero recovery - and house is on the verge of repossesion. Wife does not know. Was doing fine then ... well you all know the story.

Everything screwed - have to fly home in 48 hours dont want to. I have not come here for sympathy - probably not even worth advising me. I come here cause I got no place else to go. So much for all my good intentions - words - fighting the desire to gamble. Off to get drunk and drown it all out. Again thanks to all for adding to my diary. Blocked ( not so blocked out of the casinos as he thought clever eh!!!!!)

Another thing while im here and compo mentas , I notice alot of names come through, big determination, usually after a heavy loss. Lots of good intent, I will stop- last bet etc etc etc. Then after a good start maybe a week maybe 2 or 3 the name drops away from the diarys as they go back to the pit of gambling. Then some come back a week a month or maybe a day later. Good intentions all over again. Thats where I am. Thats who I am.

Felt I have let everyone here down, let my wife down, let my 3 superb kids down, and let myself down. Then I crawl back here. Im worried this place is more like an A & E giving some kind of cover, and solice for addicts during heavy loss. I have shown absolute disrepect for what this site is trying to do, and to those who have supported me. Im gonna pay a huge price. If i told my life story some wouldnt belive it, the amounts I have lost. And now its worse than ever. I dont feel good today wanna hide under my cover get drunk and then get drunk again.

Mate--what can any of us say that will bring you any relief from the situation you find yourself in?

Many of us have felt as bad as you do now. Believe me you have to fail to succeed. You do not appreciate your victories if you have not learned how to lose first.

Please keep trying mate--your family deserve it and you deserve it.

All the best

Stumper.

Hey blocked, don't give up mate. I've been trying to stop on and off for about 8 years. I've had over 50 slips including the one

I am currently on. I've got so sick of feeling bad after slipping that I am trying out controled gambling. Not for most people and probably not for me in the long run but right now its going ok. I feel your pain I really do but don't worry about letting people down here. WE are all doing our best to get well. You have tried really hard. You learn something new from every slip. Keep at it and posting here. Writing out whats on ur mind really helps for me anyway.

Hi Blocked, sorry you are down, pick yourself off the floor and get back on the wagon.

You are a fighter blocked not a loser, do whatever it takes to get back on track mate.

Hey Blocked,

Get out from under that duvet and pour that booze down the loo....and that's an order.

It's not the end Blocked...this is a complex addiction. There is no easy answer. Come back to the UK and speak with your wife..tell her blocked...tell her everything....tell her how you are feeling. This is an illness...you can recover...it takes time.

I will continue to support you whatever..I know how difficult it is for you. Try to get into chat this evening...speak to netline.....you can do it Blocked.

Jas xx

Thanks to Captain chipper stumper Jasmine Jeff LondonBlock and others who names I cant recall right now for words of support and encourgment.

I came here tonight with the intention of giving up. I feel im just wasting Gamcares bandwith and everyones time. Im beyond angry with myself right now. Head is banging, and Yep i have gambled. Everything every last £ is gone. I did really well today, had around £1300 into my bank, it took me until around 10.30 pm to P{{ss it all away. Even funnier that this was money to stabilise the morgagte, Money for my kids to be able to eat, money for the HUGE mountain of bills I have.

I did log in to the chat for a few mins but it depressed me so logged out again without so much as a see you later.

I do know that I want so much to rid myself of this addicition. So much wasted - so many hours - so much d**n hard earned money gone. I dont know how to start again or how I even start to face tomorrow morning.

Hi BO

Im just off to work but just wanted to leave you this Quick message .Today is the first day of the rest of your gamblefree life. Show us some of your grit and determination we all know you have.Come on m8 we will all be here to support you .You are wasting nobodys time . All the best Jeff.

Day 1 : <

Had possibly the worst nights sleep ever in my life. Woke up very early around 5am with a sick feeling in my stomach. Kept going over and over in my head how I face today. Didnt want the daylight to start showing as I knew I would have to face up to what happened yesterday. Im going to speak to my brother later today tell him what happend. Tell him what I have done. Final loss is around 1500 , oh and dont forget I hardly worked yesterday as i was gambling. YES I WAS GAMBLING. I want everyone to know that. I have failed. I also got drunk very drunk last night. I normally never drink when Im away from home so that also compounds the major issues I have today. The direct issues of loosing everything in the bank, and the other issue of how badly I have messed up.

So much support on here cant say how much I appreciate it. I really have no where else to go so please stick by me. I need your support badly. d**n this addicition to hell. Is this day 1 ? Well yes I suppose. Blocked.

Hi BlockedOut

Have just read your recent posts and i feel for you mate. Ask any one of us and without a doubt we have all been to that very dark place where you now find yourself.

As you yourself posted to me not so long ago "Don't ever give up...EVER" .

Things will get better in time, bills can be worked out. You are a fighter Blocked you WILL get over this slip.

It won't be easy, it never is, but as the days past and you move on from this you will again start to see things improve.

As others have said , sit down with your wife when you return home, pour it all out, tell her everything, you need all the support you can get at this time.

We all believe in you and are willing you on to beat this b******* addiction.

I too have many times turned to the bottle while on a big losing spree. Its never the answer, just gives you a window of forgetting what we have done and helps block it from our mind, helps us sleep. But its always there the next day when we wake.

Keep your chin up my friend, make today the first day of the rest of your life.

Keep posting and keep strong through this difficult time.

You can and you WILL turn your life around.

Takecare Mate

All the very best to you

Morning Blocked,

"I really have no where else to go so please stick by me. I need your support badly"

You certainly have no need to be going anywhere blocked. The experience you have already gained in tackling this addiction is still there for you to build on.

As for support, well I think this site is very special in that department 😉

Yes you probably feel like s**t today... us humans are very good at putting the boot into ourselves first when we f*** up but as we know, time is a great healer.

Lick your wounds... with the support of this site you will pick yourself up again and continue your journey.

Put things in place so yesterday cannot be repeated and be honest with yourself as to why it happened.

Your biggest supporter and defence against this addiction is/can be your wife. Let her know whats going on for you right now. Help her to understand this addiction... and ask for her help.

Two are always stronger than one.

Keep talking

Jackie