My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi Blocked

I dont know if you are still reading m8.Just thought you might need a nudge to come back.Hope all is well m8.All the best Jeff.

Utterly ashamed to say that the last 2 and half months have been hell. We had a holiday - which was good. I was getting to grips with my addiction then it fell apart. I had to be away from home an extended period before we went on the hols. Then things began to fall apart.

Im out of ideas at the moment on how to handle everything. Could not even visit this place or read my dairy or what others were saying or going through.

I read along while back someone said here they can tell by reading through a persons diary if they are gonna quit or not or at least they can see who is going to fail to come to terms with their addiction. Something to that effect anyway. And when I did read it I was feeling smug - not me I thought.

I have no idea how to pick up the pieces. The continual losses are now vastly out of the control. Things are coming to a head very quickly. I want so bad to manage my addiction and regain some sense of control over my life. I thought a few times about coming here in the past 2 months but have and was to embarrssed and to wrapped up in my other world.

Not sure what else to say for now. If I had have kept my quit last time round things would have been so different. I didnt and have failed. Thats me for today. Really hope others are doing ok! Blocked.

Post note : I even thought about opening a new user account here. How e***n sad is that! Who am i trying to kid. But in the end If I cant face this forum then what d**n hope is there. Im owning up I am a pathetic gambler with an out of control addiction. So here I am. Blocked.

Never be ashamed to read or post on the diaries blocked...e.g i dont know you,you dont know me in fact i dont know anyone on here so no embarrassment there eh !...What i do know is we all share the same problem or we would nae be here....there will always be support on here mate...now then back to the basics for you get the correct barriers in place.ga/councilling if necessary etc...best wishes youve proved you can do it,now get back oot there and show us 😉

Hi winningpost thanks for the message of support. Just got of the phone with Gamcare - marathon talk. Let it all out. Its about getting firmly back on the wagon. But then I get terrified when I read back at all the failed attempts, lost promise, good intentions gone bad. Blocked.

Hi Blocked.

Great to see you back albeit i wish it was under better circumstances.

It's tough battling this addiction isn't it?

I had similar feelings to you recently. I wasn't sure i could face this place under my present guise and i thought about a new username as well. But then i realised that i have a lot of kindred spirits on here who are willing me to do better and that therefore there is no better place for me. The same applies to you Blocked.

I hope you stick around Blocked and that things get better in time.

Hi Curly yes lots of kindred spirits. Hence the abismal shame of coming back here. Many times so wanted to in the past 2 months but could not face it. Its just a part of a bigger picture I know but still a part. Thanks Blocked.

Blocked you say you don’t know how to deal with your situation, this is some advice you gave to me:

“I’m broke, up to my b@lls in debt but each day I am determined not to go back to my old lifestyle of self destruction even if I have had some lapses. It’s the only way for us. Keep going 1 day at a time”

Glad you have found the courage to come back, there have been a few people this week that have found there way back to the site me included. Look to the successful diary’s it can be done.

“Today I will not gamble”

A terrible situation. House is under repossion - now over 110k in debt. Massive Bills with Inland Revenue now hot in pursuit! - The joy of being self employed. Prison maybe would be good at least no gambling.

I have a hellish day tomorrow with work. For the record I have blown approx £22,000 GBP since mid June this year. It is probably more with the funds that i "won". In the past I had some leeway some space between myself and ruin. Now its right to the edge.

IF I GAMBLE THIS COMING WEDENSDAY WE WILL LOOSE OUR HOUSE. They are no more get out of jail free cards. Im terrifed.

Went for a drink in the village pub. Was busy .. to busy for my head tonight. I want to note in my diary im at rock bottom at this moment. The pit does not get any deeper. Oh yeah a few feet more if the house goes.

42 years of age been gambling since probs around 12 or 13. 1 Year & some months when I was Gamble free. God I made so much money then and had such a time. I feel somtimes like putting a rope around my throat to make the pain go away. Im sat here now its 9.42pm on a Friday night uk time. In my small upstairs office and I feel isolated and scared.

Hi BlockedOut, I was feeling a similar way earlier in the week and hadn't posted on here for about 2 years...cause i thought i could quit by myself...i didn't and realised that in times of need you need kindred spirits that can relate to the pain your going through right now. 1 year and some months you managed to stay gamble free and you made money during that period, you could do that again and get back on your feet? Don't feel isolated mate theres plenty on this forum that can see where your coming from. Stay strong and start again 1 day at a time.

Hi Blocked. Had been thinking of you, wondering if you were ok.

Really sorry you are in a bad place just now. My thoughts and prayers out to you.

You gave me support and encouragement when I first came on here. Hope your chat to Gamcare helped you.

They say success is failure turned inside out so by getting up again from this fall- putting all the blocks in place you need, calling on the strength you used before and using all the help and support on here , counselling. whatever it takes...you'll turn this on its head and get your zest for life back again.

Please don't be discouraged - you can do it. You have a lot of strength. Really good that you came back on here too.

Lots of love and good thoughts,

Lili x

Hi BlockedOut

Just been catching up with your recent posts.

Sorry to hear you have been having a rough time of it these past few months, i too have made a right mess of things and i'm back in deep s*** myself. Think i too finally reached rock bottom 9 days ago.

But it takes guts m8 to come back here and let it all out and with your determination and Gamcare support and anything else that helps you fight against this...You can beat this and i and many others are willing you on to do just that.

You said to me when i first joined this site "The only way to win is to quit".. How right you were..Its taken me god knows how many relapses, loads more pain, loads more debt, driving me almost out of my mind with worry, but now no more.

I've had enough of it all now and i'm sure you have too.

We can do this, you, me ,all of us, one day at a time

All the best

Up early got a busy day. Dont know how im going to face it. Totally on the floor this morning physically and emotionally. God what have I done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to hear that you have had a really rough time of it but just remember what you said to Londonbloke...

"The only way to win is to quit." (copyright BlockedOut)

Please always feel free to use this diary as often as you like as we are all in a similar position as you and we have all experienced really low times. Sharing your experiences is one way to cope with the difficult challenge of beating those evil gambling demons.

Stay very strong.

November (73 days to go!)

Busy hard day didnt stop until around an hour ago. Soon as what I was working on was done I immediatly thought about "relaxing" on the labtop with a casino. Have decided to go for a walk instead. Got to clear my head. thanks so much for the messages of support. Im in no place right now to offer any kind of real help to others. Ok gotta git as otherwise I will gamble.