My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi Freda thanks for the message. Our money situ has always been complex. Its not a case of getting the monthly paypacket. And up until a few months ago - true I was in charge of the funds. I have though discussed with my wife about her taking full control over payments the banking etc. This started to happen before we went on holiday but then things got messed up again. But she has said she wants much more involvment which im more than ready to agree with. Its somthing we are starting full on this week.

As for not telling her I know what others advise and they are probably right for them. But for me I know it will not be the right move yet. I will one day tell her but not until we are getting clear of debt and I have at least 6 months gambling free behind me. Its my own goal - my own choice. Also keep in mind addicts like me a superb liars and track coverers and this is what I did the past 2 years of smashing everything. I dont expect people to agree with me but we all have to find our own path. Onwards another day bet free/. Blocked.

Got through another day with gambling. Spent some money on food and other things. Worried in the gut though about bills n debts. Was not so hard today to stay clean as it has been the past few days. Its the first time in months that money has been in the bank and none of it touched for a bet.

Wife was sick today bad stomach so sorting the bills has been rolled over until tomorrow. One postive aside from not gambling is I have worked at my job with good speed and outputs the past 48 hours. Also on a detox still. Cleaning the system. More liters of water today and fresh fruit before I hit the sac. I started reading a gambling forum today and then stopped. So many times thats where it starts. Reading up on what other gamblers are talking about - winning - loosing. I miss that interactions but even that I cant really cope with at the moment. Much like I suppose the horse gambler reading the form in the back of the newspaper.

Had 1 slight urge today so instead went and dumped my frame in the bath and sat in my own squalor for 45 mins. Even wife was impressed that I did not like reek like the dog. Heres to tomorrow - where I will NOT gamble.

Woke up feeling refreshed today. The detox is kicking in. Feel much cleaner in my head and body. Last night I started the process to file my tax return. Somthing I have continually put off and its somthing that has caused me stress and worry for months. Come what be I will face it down. As the days go by without gambling I am starting to get a clearer head on quite a few issues.

Nowt in this world comes for free. We have to work at everything. I have to work at overcoming my addiction but long term I know the reward can be had. I might be going out for lunch with my wife today someplace so theres hope on that front.

Today I feel good - early days yes. Know this been here before. But I wont gamble. Have no feeling or desire to. Maybe just maybe this time on my 5th or 6th attempt at quitting for good this really could be MY TIME! Keep the quite. Blocked

Another day racked up no gambling. Im starting to belive in myself that finally after all failed attempts the stop as per written here that this time I can come to terms in full with my addiction and stay STOPPED for good.

Had a calm evening with my wife. We spoke alot at what point I almost told her everything. I didnt and know I should have. What I did say was if you leave me in control of the money then 100% I would screw it up. Today she is taking over the bank account and all the bills. I am moving to a cash only econmy when ever possible. Im also giving my wife a run down on how to use internet banking. She is not net savy at all. That way I told her she can always track and check money etc day or night. Tbh its a massive weight of my shoulders.

So today I will NOT gamble. This much I do know.

Well done Blocked think its a good move giving your financial control to the other half, certainly help me. Good to hear you had a calm evening too, the body can only take so much stress i'm sure. I really hope this is the last time you have to give up gambling and you can live your life. As for telling / not telling the whole story,

Thats your choice and yours alone. Each recovery is different and you do what is right for you

Take Care

Blues

All letters from creditors have been opened today. Duplicates shredded. Everything filed. Thats stage 1 out of the way.

Stage 2 we will be calling all creditors over the next few days to make repayment proposals. Even if its a fiver per bill per month. At least its somthing. If I can continue with my recovery it is possible some day to fix the damage I have inflicted on the finance front. Other types of damage will not be so easy to fix. Today have not gambled. Neither will I tomorrow. Onwards.

Now then Blocked,

See you have been having a rough couple of weeks, your posts have become increasingly positive over the last few days THIS IS YOUR TIME, its also your life and ultimately your choice, you know what to do. w*f are you looking at gambling forums for? That is just the start and you know that DONT let the sneaky manipulative thoughts in for a second.

I can’t imagine the stress you are currently under, you are fighting so many battles you can only do your best just try to remember that, you can’t change the past (we all would) but you can shape your future. Get as many blocks in place as you can and go for it.

Keep The Faith

Managed a few mins in chat tonight. Was good but too short wanted to talk some more. Wish I could have contact more directly with other recovering addicts. Still such is life. Today passed again gamble free. On the urges scale out of 10 is was probably at 2. But I just knew nothing would tempt me.

Horrible calls all day - phone never stops. But I have at least started answering them. Cant offer any repayments yet but tell them I want to keep discussing and that soon a repayment proposal will be given. Today I did NOT Gamble - tomorrow I will NOT Gamble.

Had a dream about gambling last night. Dont matter what but felt strange waking up with all that going round in my mind. Immediate thought was "did I gamble" - next second reliefe no I hadnt.

I have to be aware that the urges can come fast even when asleep and to understand how I will have to overcome them. In the past when trying to quit complacency has been one of my downfalls. I keep thinking back to horrible feelings I had when loosing every £ in the bank and the hoops n loops I would have to go through to make sure the kids at least eat. Im using those feelings as another way to block the road to gambling.

Feel strong today - did not gamble yesterday - will NOT gamble today. Onwards. Blocked.

Well done Blocked on another day, maybe its a good thing that you are dreaming about gambling because this may be supressing your urges during the day. If someone said to me, you will dream every night about losing your nuts, but will nevber gamble again in real life, I would tear their arm off!!!

The main thing is, we don't gamble today, which will lead us to more problems

Hope you have a good day

Blues

BUMP THOUGHT ABOUT GAMBLING IT CAME STRONG FROM NOW WHERE!

w*f!!!! Called Gamcar spoke to Rob. This urge will pass. d**n I was 1 minute away from downloading / deposit then hell.

I have not gambled today. I do NOT want to gamble today. I detest my addiction. I detest my weakness. Going to go watch A DVD this moment WILL PASS.

THis afternoon is hard. To stay clean. Struggling here. Have not gambled tried to do other things. Here feeling desperate - at this moment the absolite and total desire is within me to gamble. Help!!!

Keep going Blocked, I don’t know what your responsibility’s are at the moment (childcare etc) but if you cant control it GO OUT walk, run, go for a pint take yourself away from the situation leave the computer. YOU CAN DO THIS. You NEED to do this. If you gamble and win were will it stop you know the answer to this and so do I, if you win you will end up in a worse position than this eventually. HOW LOW DO YOU WANT TO GO?

There are always options you don’t need to gamble, make yourself proud.

Keep The Faith.

Thanks for support all.

External pressures - well my life is not 9 to 5

my job is not 9 to 5

My kids are split between 2 countrys. Its complex and vast. Today I nearly gambled almost .. was there on the edge ... Im almost angry I didnt becuase IM ANGRY NOW !!!! At lease if I blow my brains out what else or how low can I go ???

The x of a son i love more than life itself now says she want to go legal. I paid over 700 this month in back child pay. Did I pay the past 12 months ... ? hardly ... im a gambler a cheat a liar. I wont gamble tonight I did not gamble TODAY but I somtimes feel what the eff is the point. Im sorry all for the rant ignore me. Keep the quit. Just a very bad few hours.

"The x of a son i love more than life itself"

KEEP GOING