My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Bad day yesterday in the head. God knows what brought it on. I overcome the urges and did not gamble. Another day bet free ... but it has shook me up. I was not prepared for it. Weird feel the same this morning as when i used to after loosing the night before. Still I did not break. Another day.

Was in chat just now was asked does helping others help me now that im in recovery - my answer of course was yes. But in some moments im exactly the person not to be giving advise to others. But I support supporting fellow addicts is part of the process. I know this.

I have been selfish here the past few weeks but I am really gratefull for all the support and if i didnt reply im sorry. Its just my head space right now.

Today have not gambled and at least the strong urges I had yesterday are at a much lower ebb today. I feel I can get through another day bet free. 2 weeks tomorrow is when I got back on the wagon to finally come to terms with my addiction.

Hi Blocked

We all go through bad patches m8 ,where we cant motivate ourselves to write on other diaries.I have followed your diary for a long time now and i know you have given out some great advice.Sometimes you have to concentrate on working your own addiction.Theres nothing selfish about that after all thats what we are all here for.Chin up m8.All the best Jeff.

BO, please accept my apolls as i have not read through all of your diary as me being sick and tired of being sick of tired is preventing me.

I know though that our story is the worst as it happened to us. I think the suggestion in forgetting ones self, one finds is so true because my illness is all about me and i'm told that i need to get away from me and helping others is an ideal way to do this.

We will be as happy as we make up our minds to be and i know that my worst day in recovery is better than my so called best day gambling. It sounds to me that you are trying to keep your side of the street clean and returning to the wilderness will only hurt you and play into other peoples hands.

Best Wishes

SI

Hi Blocked,

I enjoyed the chat earlier, it was good to talk to you.

You have been such a positive influence on me, you can definately see the affect your urges have had on you.

We can all see people at different stages of recovery and sometimes we do not to focus on our own house to make sure its kept in order.

We need to be selfish in recovery but I also know you will be jeeing others up in recovery soon who are at a low point.

Thats the great thing about this site, we all pick each other up when we are at a low point.

Urges are fine, dealing with them, even better, just shows how strong you are to beat this :o)

Thanks Smokey Jeff / Self for words of support! As always.

Im dead beat now so not much time to spend on here. But its another day without placing a bet. It went easy actually after around lunchtime. Hardly a thought about gambling. And its very true my worst day not gambling is better than any day when i was gambling -)

Tomorrow it will be 2 full weeks when I decided to get back into recovery. 1 slip in that time from last week. Im calm tonight. Keep it up everyone and thanks again for all your support.

Well well this time 2 weeks ago was a hell of a day. I was in hell by lunchtime. But you know in a perverse way Im glad it happend as it was like a massive bucket of ice cold water in my face. I was getting back deeper into the spiral of gambling. I have had 1 slip since I decided to finally again quit. I have had to fogive myself for this. That was over a week ago now. Its Saturday morning sun is out - kids still asleep (teenagers are slovenly idle messy creatures) But we have a little money in the bank - no one threatended to take my house away today - kids will eat today - me and my wife might even go to the pub today. None of the above possible when Dad gambles.

Today I will not gamble and now into week 2 Im starting to look ahead. Long road - pitfalls - failure is just 1 bet away. But you know Im starting to think and feel I can actually really do this ? Nope im not on drugs 😉 Keep the quit. Blocked.

Unfirggin real. I almost gambled. Out of nowhere. was out today with the wife. Had fun in the pub. Felt good. Came home , come upstairs , PC on, Then I start to think about 1 small bet. 50£ with some kind of effed up bonus. What harm can it do ?

I stopped ... what about my children - my wife - my own respect. Went to netline spoke to Robert. Talked it through. The moment passed.

I DID NOT GAMBLE. SUCCESS For today.

Onwards off to watch a movie now. Damnation another close call. Time to get head into gear and work out why i react so strong to these urges I know so well. Blocked.

keep up the good work mate. we can do this

Feels good this morning knowing when I woke up that I did not gamble yesterday evening. I will have to be more aware of the problems that can come with being complacent. I would hate to fail now that im into week 3 with no bets. Today I wont gamble - ) onwards

congrats blockedout

another day done without a bet, its crazy how you can do something if you put your mind to it!!

Keep at it your doin brilliant

JAMIE

Abolsutly gliding through today. Only thought on gambling today was that I DO NOT WANT TO.

I feel that today is yet another day without me placing a bet. Today so far has been easy. Great Sunday lunch with the kids and wife and a dvd to watch tonight. Poor n broke but happy for today. Onwards -) Blocked.

BlockedOut, thanks for the post on my diary. Hope your finding the time your spending with family more fruitful as a non gambler as I am. Complacency, don't let it get you as its caught me out many times before...we all get to the stage where we think yeah I can control this but let me say from my own history that everytime thats happened I found myself back to square one and it just isn't worth it anymore for us all.

All the best. Promise

Depressing day on the finance front. The enormity hits home when those bills get opened. We have so much to go out with so little in. The scales dont match at all at the moment. Only saving is I have not gambled and will continue not to gamble but it shows me what a mess of things I have made. And just how much I have wasted the past 2 years.

I wish I had stopped when I knew I should have done. Anyway wont gamble today.

Hi Blocked

Yes the mood is usually a good one of a sunday of course thats the one day you dont gets bills in the post m8.

Back to reality today kid.But hey you are working on things and it can only get better.Slowly maybe yes ,but you are not putting yourself into anymore unnescessary debt with gambling.Having been there myself m8 can you prioritise your debts.Obviously if you have any debts against your home then they are first.You family needs are next and if you have anything left.the others can share it.Just one thing blocked.Maybe keep a small bit aside to fall back on.Now this sounds hard i know when you are not bringing in a lotYou have made mistakes and gott into debt.Its not a crime to be in debt mate.Family first .then work on the rest.I know its hard mate but just remember one thing worrying about it doesnt help you get out of debt,neither does rueing the past.Make the future bright m8 and try and think what its going to be like.Stay strong Kid.all the best Jeff.