At the minute I do not have a support network, who can help and support me through beating my gambling addiction and I feel by writing a diary, that you guys will offer support, so here goes ;
Probably best to start at the beginning, my first memory of gambling was when I was 14, my dad took me to.Kempton, he gave me £5 to "gamble" with, I selected the horses, he put the bets on, one horse I selected was 14/1, a front runner but never stayed, this time it did and I got that instant rush feeling, I remember it vividly now.
My gambling began when I started my first real job in a pub, ae fruit machine with leftover change from tips, as a keen sportsman I enjoyed what I perceived as the competitiveness of winning money that wasn't mine.
This was on a low level, but then I started university and got a large student loan payment, more money than I had ever had, this is when the gambling got more frequent, horses fruit machines you name it, this continued for the next 10 years, I have probably lost over 100k
12 months ago I was at my lowest, family problems, student loans other debts, I had enough so I sought a councillor through Gamecare and it wasn't easy but slowly I kicked the habit and didn't gamble for 4 months.
Then one day I was talking to my brother and he mentioned a tip he had given and I thought foolishly what harm could it do, one 5 fold accumulator bet costing ВЈ24, well I won £2900 and the old demons came back but much stronger, I gambled frequently with higher stakes, ended up losing the initial win and another 10k over a 3 month period.
Since then I have been back to my original councillor and struggled to kick my addiction, even today I gambled, but and there is a BIG but, tonight I decided to join this forum, read some inspiring diaries and tips and feel energised and excited to start from now as the first stage to kicking the addiction for good.
So far gamble free 12 hours! Step 1 1 day....
Hi Superfluousman
Thanks for your reply, yes for me it was me against the bookies or casino, the wins although few and far between led me to the deluded belief that I was winning, even though 90% of the time the wins turned to losses.
Yes have heard of the triangle and will be leaving my cards at home to try and Remove one of the elements, I did that before and it worked.
Feeling happy today as taken my winnings from yesterday's betting to the bank, not lost it all like countless other times.
Also I have a session with my councillor on Thursday so determined to not gamble till then and let this be the start to kicking it for good.
Day 2 and no urges as yet, not surprising as my main gambling days were Thursday Friday, Saturday.
Left my cards at home today and have enough money for the week, going to break it down each day, feeling positive that this could be the start of stopping for good.
Very early days but I have done it for 4 months previously, so know it is in me. This site is really helping, reading stories good and bad and knowing there are other people like me who are doing brilliantly, that's what I want to strive to achieve.
I am also going to commit to run the London marathon next year as a long term goal and would love to start the race with over a year of no gambling, that would be great.
I know there are hard days to come and am bracing myself for that, easy to get ahead of yourself, so am very much concentrating on each day.
Roll on day 3....
Day 3 another success no gambling, had some small urges but didn't have the time and left cards at home (as this is my coping mechanism at the minute)
Have been thinking more about the money I have lost and need to try and let it go, move on and accept it and not feel the need to chase.
my last gambling session on Sunday resulted in a 500 win, so I want to leave it at that, this time I am hopeful I can go cold turkey, very early days but my will is strong.
Day 4 was a lot harder as this was usually/potentially a 'gambling day', the urges came on but I managed to keep busy and keep with the mantra that I will not gamble today. I also did not have my cards with me so the funds were not there.
This is now the longest I have gone gamble free for 8 months, I am determined that this time I can stick at it and watch the days clock up, that is a good motivational tool for me.
On Sunday night when I committed to stop gambling one of my goals was to stop gambling until my next councilling session, that is in a couple of hours, so I have succeeded. A small step in the right direction for my recovery.
I'm also feeling better not having to lie to others about my gambling and the lows after losing.
Day 5 have started determined to keep it up, next target is double figures!
Day 5 was the hardest so far.
I had achieved what I set out to on Sunday, to remain gamble free until my councilling session. The session went very well and we covered lots of new triggers which I hadn't realised before. We also discussed going to a GA meeting which I think will help, so will be looking at options shortly, to give it a go.
Friday night was much harder as I had a late meeting and normally I would go to the casino telling the missus that the meeting had overrun, breaking an addiction is hard, but last night I succeeded, I ignored the urges and headed home. After getting home I felt much better that I didn't succumb, early days but happy with my progress so far. Take each day as they come. Roll on a week!
Day 6 - another non gambling day chalked off, had a great day with missus and family and did not feel like gambling at all. Feel like the cloud is slowly lifting and getting some control and happiness back in my life, only been 6 days but feels a lot longer.
Money in the bank is a strange feeling so still keeping my cards at home, for me money is sometimes irrelevant it is the gambling that I enjoyed whatever the stakes. Looking forward to day 7 which is today 🙂
Day 7 another happy gamble free day, definitely feel my mood is slowly lifting, I even dreamt about being offered to go to Las Vegas and deciding not to go!
Definitely need to keep my bank cards at home /out of reach, as lure is still there.
Thinking of starting to look at my accounts and balances and work out a payment plan that I can stick to. I have a pay day loan outstanding and credit card at limit as well as a loan from family member so will take a while to clear.
Keeping my mantra - I will not gamble today (which is day 8), next stop double figures, bring on Wednesday!
Day 10 and double figures, hooray!
Although been feeling a bit down these last few days, snappy, irrational etc, just feel like I need a pick me up (which is normally gambling) , but today I feel strong and do not want to give in (been there done that), just need something to fill that void or make me feel better. Normally exercise is good but have hurt my knee so can't do that.
Might go swimming as non weight bearinG.
Cards are at home, a few hard days ahead as still seen as gambling days, still positive about the start to my recovery. 2 weeks my next aim!
P's thanks superfluous man, helps that you are supporting me, that's why I joined this site, as don't have support at home.
Day 12, this will be the toughest yet, 1) it's payday so I have some cash, 2) it's a Friday which is usually a gamble day 3) I need my cash card to pay off my last pay day loan 4) I would have time to gamble, 5) my first real test.
But I am strong, I am determined to beat this and I will not gamble today. It's the easy way out, I am in control, I will not give in to the urges that have already come. Next target two weeks!
For me a big problem had been money, I see it as disposable, whenever I have had money I feel an instant urge to spend it, I have never saved a penny, any money I had left went into gambling or buying somethin. Cash is also a big problem as in my line of work sometimes I get paid large amounts in cash which would usually go into the bookies or casinos coffers, this is a culture I have had all my life, so to try and break it is very difficult, but I am of the mind that I must try , I am on control I choose to not spend that money.
Tough day today, but time to get busy living not busy gambling.
Day 14 - two weeks, the time has gone so fast, it makes me realise how much my gambling was about patterns. Usually Thursday Friday definite gambling days so I find these the hardest. Weds and Sat occasional and other days not at all unless the opportunity arose.
My gambling was mainly betting shops and casinos, not online like many others, I am finding that by keeping busy and leaving cards at home making a real difference. The urges are still there but I have kept my will, my mantra and this diary is helping me put my thoughts into context.
Special thanks to superfluous man, really good that you are supporting me along the way, I have made small steps so far, time.to keep building the steps to becoming gamble free for good. Next milestone will be 4 weeks, this will also be around the time I have my next councilling session so determined to go back with good news and a will unbroken.
Day 19 and gamble free.
Had some tough days since my last update, on day 16 felt ill with cold and knee still hurting so no exercise and had argument with OH about money and the old urges really came on, my irrational thoughts were going to the casino would be my release, unwind and enjoy yourself not the reality of relapse losing money I can't afford, another pay day loan, feeling guilty afterwards, lying to OH and generally not feeling in control of my life.
Thankfully my will was strong, I refused to give in, I didn't want to go back to square one, start the lies and deceit and money worries again. This awful addiction has taken too much from me already, I want to move on, I want to control my life.
Since then done well, still keeping cards at home, today which is usually a gambling day has passed without the urges, so might be turning a corner, but I won't let my guard down, I have done that before.
Staying strong, staying gamble free.
Day 21 - 3 weeks GF!
Am feeling good about reaching another milestone, it is all about small steps, the last 21 days have gone very quickly. I have had some tough days when gambling seemed a good option, my mind telling me I needed to satisfy my urges with another binge, but I refused to give in and the urges subsided.
Money in my bank before payday is an unusual feeling, it has been so long since this last happened. I still struggle with this and feel I need to limit the amount of money shown in my account. I need to work out my bare mimimums and transfer the rest to a savings account I cannot touch. This may seem drastic but all of my life if I have had money I have felt a real need to spend it, it is easy come easy go, this isn't forever just a temporary measure to eliminate the triangle.
I read on another thread that you need to reward yourself and I think thats true it is easy to keep saving and have no joy, punish yourself for all the money you have wasted gambling, so I'm thinking of booking a golfing holiday in July, this is then an incentive to keep GF and save money to take on the trip.
This week I have also entered for the 7th time the London marathon, hopefully I will get in, if not I'm determined to run it anyway with a charity place, my long term aim in to run this with over a year GF, that would then be two.massive accomplishments.
Today is a new day, one that will be gamble free, keep fighting everyone!
Hi Dazz1982, congratulations on 3 weeks 🙂
Similar stories & I completely get why you need to tuck that money away safely (rightly or wrongly mine is in Premium Bonds as it takes a good few days to close them & see the money should I go off the rails), it's not drastic, it's sensible! I kept my triangle broken for 90 days & in celebration of getting my bank card back the urges rewarded me with a kick in the stomach! I can see why you went straight back to it after so long away so this time, all you have to do is avoid 1 bet, sounds easy huh 🙂 I am in 2 minds about self exclusion (it didn't work on it's own for me) but I would thoroughly recommend being armed with passport photos if you haven't done this @ your usual haunts!
Good luck (I don't say that much but I know how hard it is to get in & what an incredible event it is) with the marathon application but please get that knee checked out 1st!
Keep making those right decisions & keep fighting - ODAAT
P.s: I think you may have sausage fingers...It was lovely so see you dropping in but you posted to Phoenix on my thread 🙂
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