My first diary.

Please don't feel foolish.....Feel proud that you are taking steps to make your life better.

All the best to you!

Hi otter lady,

Welcome to diaries:))

I have found my diary a life line along with this forum, it's helped get me to 18 months of being gamble free lol.

You are doing just fine on 4 days, take one day at a time with everything, small steps is the way forwards.

Enjoy your painting by numbers, (even with a magnifying glass on your head) lol, it made you laugh and it made me smile,

Best wishes to you on your recovery journey,,you will feel different every day, but every day you abstain you win,

Take care and keep strong

Suzanne xx

Thanks so much guys;) I have gone through my 1st bump tonight and come out of the other side without slipping. It's early days but as you say each day is a win!. Thanks for taking time out to post support, really thank you. Good luck with your own recovery.

Godspeed, otterlady.

Good morning Otterlady, well done on negotiating that bump. Just take each bump one at a time! Great to see you have started a diary. I would love to hear more about your agoraphobia. Online slots would really gel with being in the house so much I would think. Painting seems like a great escape.... I struggle to paint my nails lol. Have a lovely Sunday whatever you do. Suzy

Thanks Suzy! I'm sorry I didn't answer on Sunday. I have been really struggling to be honest. I'm at a stage that I didn't think would actually really happen. I thought I was tougher than this?!. I have been truly naive. I was so excited and optimistic when I first called gamcare and thought to myself, this is it! No more!.but geeze did that feeling evaporate. Two, three days later and I'm feeling like c**P. I hadn't anticipated it being so d**n insidious. Don't get me wrong I had no illusions that it was going to be a walk in the park but I can feel my resolve being tested much stronger and sooner than I thought. One thing I haven't posted is that I walked away after a big win £3,000. I'm still determined that they won't get a single penny of it back but I think it's made it harder for me. I guess in a way I wish I hadn't won so I could have some anger to use as motivation too. It sounds stupid, I know. I'm thankful for the win because my balance was getting uncomfortably low. Something else I haven't posted is that I never got in debt through gambling. I did loose all my savings and some and that money was hard saved for my daughter, for college and her future in general and as a safety net should anything happen to me. So I have lost a heck of a lot to gambling. Another important factor in all of this is that I'm a very spiritual person. I'm not going to get into the whole religion thing but I will tell you that I prayed that night, the night I won and regardless of what anyone thinks I'm resolute that my prayer was answered BUT under the condition that I never gamble again!. Now it's one thing making a promise to yourself but it's another thing breaking a promise to the big guy lol. Anyway, all that aside, I was wondering if anyone else had done the same thing and walked away on a big win?. If so, can you please share any experiences or advice?.

Some of the major problems I'm having are because I'm housebound and suffer from acute depression/anxiety. I'm alone raising my daughter and running a home. I depend heavily on the internet for shopping, banking and general management of my life. I can't go to GA meetings, access any kind of support groups or just get away from the house for a break. I have no friends due to the agoraphobia and my family is unaware of the gambling. I bit the bullit and told my daughter and brother over the weekend. My daughter has just started college and I don't want her worrying so I didn't go into any details. My brother was understanding but I could tell that he wouldn't be a great source of support. However I felt a little better coming clean. So in short I still feel very much alone. I wish I could make things easier by cancelling my debit card and setting up other financial barriers but I can't!? I have no other way of running the house without being so dependent on the net. I haven't closed all my gaming accounts yet, or put any anti gambling software on my iPad. I think I'm doing this to test myself?. I read a post over the weekend about really wanting to STOP!. It was so true. You can put blocking software on, close every account but unless you truly want to stop you will find a way to gamble. It made so much sense to me because I had done this myself. I put betfilter on my laptop, self excluded from sites but a few weeks later bought an iPad and that was that. I must admit though, I didn't have abstinence in mind completely at that point. In short I don't think I was 100% aware that it was going to be a big problem stopping.

Being so isolated and having no real company is hard enough but now I'm having to get to grips with stopping gambling, it's getting really draining. I got past a small incident over the weekend and thought great, now it might leave me alone till next weekend but no. It's frustrating because so many of the symptoms of gambling addiction are the same as depression, the same feelings that I have felt every day for the last 13 years. It's like adding another level of depression on top of depression?!. I can't get any assistance from the community mental health team! That has been a long hard fought battle that I have had to admit defeat because it was doing more harm than good. I know it's a sad state of affairs but it's true. It's no real surprise that gambling took hold in the way it did but I know it's still a problem that I have to deal with.

I don't want to go back and feel so angry sometimes when I feel weak like now!. I have no idea what keeping this diary, engaging with everyone else here that have experienced the same feelings will achieve but I must try everything and anything to make sure I give myself the best chance possible to stay gambling free!.

You won't be getting another single solitary penny from me again online thieves!.

Good luck everyone, stay strong.

Godspeed, otterlady.

Hi Otterlady , Just read your last post and firstly I would like to say a big well done !! Being housebound and suffering depression must make things doubley difficult for you , especially when the net is your lifeline to the outside world !. I feel that you would gain from putting the software in place that would stop you gambling on line , as this may give you more closure on that part of your life ?. It's a big change for you but if you can remove as much temptation as possible, it can only make things easier for you in the long run . You will have all sorts of mixed feelings and emotions and have to fight the urge to gamble from time to time , but it will get easier with time . Just stay focused and as positive as you sound from your diary entries and I'm sure you will be fine . And there's nothing wrong with looking to a higher power , if thats what helps ? . All the best for now . Alan who will not gamble today !!!

Hi Alan, thanks so much for your post. I'm in a bit of a strange place right now but wanted to say thanks for the support. Good luck with your own recovery.

Godspeed, otterlady.

Hi Otterlady,

Sorry to hear you are not in a great place. But looking back I think you are going through the same emotions we all went through in those painful first few weeks of withdrawal. Withdrawal from the highs of playing slots is very tough. You could google dopamine and slot addiction and you may take comfort in what you discover. It will explain what you are going through. It is not the time to get involved with family issues or anything negative. You have to reward yourself and be kind to yourself. Yes you are quitting on the back of a win, see this as a positive not a negative. The longer you are away from gambling, the more you realise it was never about the money. It destroys us and controls us. It is progressive and will certainly get worse so where will it all end? You have to give up sometime so why not now? Use your strong religious beliefs to help you along. In many religions, gambling is seen as greed. Tell yourself you are a better person every day you don't gamble. There was a thread on the new members diary last year from "Jan57" and I never forgot it. It was heartbreaking. I will bump up the thread and see if it has the same effect on you. You can quit gambling. Maybe you have already gone back to gambling? Even if you have, once you make the decision to quit you will get all the help you need. We cannot win because we cannot stop! Great words of advice I read on here. Let me know how you are, Suzy

Hey Suzy. Thanks for the post and your concern. I'm much better now. I have set up phone counselling with beacon that will start next week. I still haven't gambled and coming up to double figures. I've been in touch with gamcare and their counselling team to discuss some issues. I closed another 2 of my gaming accounts ( can't remember some of the details of all of them) but I'm thinking about putting blocking software on. I'm waiting for some information before I do that though. Had no urges to gamble all last night and today. All in all, at the moment I'm doing good. It's strange, I have zero desire to gamble, no desire to win money or lose money but I do have the urge to actually physically play the slot games?. Playing with " play money " just stopped the urge in its tracks?!. It wasn't exciting or tempting in the slightest, it was just the visual and physical action. It's really hard to explain?. Now I don't know if it's putting me in dangerous territory or whether it's something I can use to stay safe?. All I can tell you is, with every breath of truth I have, it did not shake my resolve one bit.

I used to be a really heavy smoker and never got to that point where I really wanted to quit. My sister introduced me to the e cig things and even when I had 200 cigarettes in the kitchen I had no desire to smoke!. I tried one about 6 months in but that was that. I haven't smoked a single cigarette now for nearly two years!. Even when my cigs were right next to me on the sofa I chose the e cig. I'm obviously comparing the two. The e cig doesn't do any harm and have saved me a fortune. Please don't think I am taking it all lightly?. This could be a dumb a**e move? I could be in denial or deluding myself? I honestly don't know?. For the moment, all I know for sure is that I know I don't want to give another penny to these sites ever again! I know I'm taking steps to ensure that I don't slip up, I'm taking my recovery seriously and making commitments to explore every avenue to becoming gamble free. Small achievable steps. For me personally I feel much stronger now but know it could creep up at any time so I must continue to stay vigilant.

The best of strength to everyone regardless where you are on your journeys. Stay strong.

Godspeed, otterlady.

Checking in. Double figures whoop!. Starting counselling next week. Doing well, no bad urges so far but it's the weekend so guard is up!. Hope everyone is doing OK.

Stay strong,

Godspeed, otterlady.

You sound much more positive Otterlady and thats lovely to hear !. Keep up the good work and well done on double digits !!. Alan who will not gamble today !

You sound much more positive Otterlady and thats lovely to hear !. Keep up the good work and well done on double digits !!. Alan who will not gamble today !

Nice one Alan,hope you're doing good too. Thanks for the support!.

Godspeed, otterlady.

Everyone's different Otterlady but I find keeping myself busy helps a lot at the moment. Hobbies, DIY and fixing things. Keeping a diary is a great help as when I feel like having a bet I come on here. Good luck

lennyd