My Journey

Hi Diary,

Day 62

Thank you everyone for the lovely posts it really is so appriciated.

At the moment am really pi**ed off with myself. I had all intentions of doing my profile at the weekend...but...ya know I couldn't be bothered. Thought to myself what do I want anyone in my life for..am I ready...guess if I was I would of done it eh?

I have done some real heart and soul stuff the last few days. I think my last relationship was so devestating to my mental health that I couldn't bear to have that kind of stuff thrown in my face again.

I don't talk a lot about my past..maybe it's time to open up...from what I have been reading you need to heal before moving on.

From a womans point of view...Is it worse to be cheated on with a woman or a man....well I dont know but I have never felt so humiliated in my life. I honestly could of coped if he had just told me the truth but it was the lies..then when I dared to question anything...started with emotional abuse...then the classic physical abuse. This is where I could so relate to what Rach would talk about with her ex who put her through so much c**P.

I remember sitting in the hospital with no-one to turn to...the look of pity. Most of my friends were his too and because he was so convincing, they didnt believe me. Well I dont want or need pity...I just need to move on.

I know that this is what has made me into an addict.......I'm sure lots of you out there search for the reason....I'm glad I have found mine.

Also I need to say I do not hate him...as I have said before hate is horrid...I still feel pity for someone who can never be true to themselves.

So with my new openess I really hope to move on.

One thing for sure "today I did not gamble"

And as Duncs says "Today I am proud"

I think in the past when I felt like this I would turn to the mind numbness of the gambling.......But today I am fighting...and I am winning!

Sorry for not posting to anyone...hopefully back to " womble " mode tomorrow.

Sue xxx

Hey Womble,

We all heal in our way and in our own time, but i think the key for everyone is you have to let it out somehow, otherwise it justs eats you from the inside out.

Its a brave thing you have done opening that box in the pit of your stomach and trying to let go. Let it go sue, dont let your past define your future.

You are a wonderfull person with so much to give and in time I hope that you find the strength to let someone else into your heart because what a beautiful heart it is.

Take care my furry friend.

Blondie xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Sue

What a barrowload for you to be carrying around! As people so often say here, we can't change what's happened in the past, but we do have the power to shape our future- I'm now believing this to be true.

I'm sure you'll have a wonderful future whatever you choose it to be, you so deserve to be happy.

Take care of yourself (preferably with as much gusto as you look after everyone else!!)

Irene

x

ps- great going on those gamble free days x

hey Sue...

you are one kind lady...xx..and one brave one too for being so open and candid xx

I dont know if your question was rhetorical so to sppeak but the pain it has caused you has been devastating..

I guess no one can know unless it happens to them ...Ii can only relate slightly as my boyfriend of many years ago in my early 20's turned *** whilst he was with me.

.

Looking back it was so obvious and he was almost "coming out" whilst he was with me ..he now lives in the states and is very loved up with a guy..

This was in the 80's when *** was still not understood. Blokes were wearing make up and looking like new romantics.It was all during the time of those horrible Aids ads on tv and i made myself ill with worry..

A friend of mine is going through a similar situation as you did now but with less of a shock...she spends a lot of time going over where her hubby was at certain times and is wondering how many lies he has told and also put her health at risk.

In my relationship with cg..the dynamic was emotional stuff from him and my reaction was violent outbursts of rage...( not so amazing hun )

Ive made a lot of mistakes and am no angel...I think your situation is very unique and I think the shock itself is something you may still feel.

I can understand why you turned to something like gambling Sue that gave you an escape from the pain..

You have great awareness an amazing bestie and you are a lovely lady...wish i could take your pain away but with your awareness you are doing aa magnificant job yourself...

sorry for rambling xx

Sue.

Glad to see your too putting out the trash so to speak.

For me the shining light is to never forget that today you did win.

Unaided, on your own you won todays battle.

Never lose sight of this.

As without doubt through it you bettered your tomorrow.

Do whatever it takes to enhance your tomorrow my dear friend, keep making a choice that best suits you.

Through this the jigsaw will complete itself.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Sue,

I really felt 4 u reading ur last post, I know from speaking 2 u in chat how much u have been thru... It is hard 2 move on from the past, it is summat that takes a lot of time and pain!

U r a strong, brave lady Sue 🙂

U have a heart of gold and ne man that meets u will be really lucky 🙂

Stay strong xxxx

Yeah guess when ever your in that type of a relationship it makes ya wanna just curl up in a hole. Kinda belittling to say the least but more belittling to stay in it. Glad ya got out cause nothing ever improves staying in it. Guess ya gotta stay true too you first and anyone else comes 2nd.

Hiya sue

So proud of u for ur last post thats gonna help u so much moving forward , its ur diary get it all out yes people will read and post but ultimately it will benefit urself

As u know I can relate to a lot of what u say esp bout healing b4 moving on as u know I tried the dating site knowing my heart wasn't in it for me it was like fishing throwing the rod in no response till maybe u get a catch b4 the catch though the rejection was soul destroying if u let it affect u best to take it has a bit of fun but that can be hard

I'm a big believes in fate and now won't go looking for love hopefully one day it will find me prob when I least expect it , it will happen one day I assure u

Again well done for opening up it will help u I know I av wrote some real personal stuff on my diary which I sometimes wonder if I should but I av to let it out and a lot of the times there's no one to say it too who I can trust so I tell it to myself to see it in black and white so I can reread it and it seems to make more sense

Take care

Castle2

hi sue

Hi Diary,

Day 63

Thank you everyone for your comments...It has really helped me come to terms with things.

Wow what a night and day I had.......Totally honest and from the heart...I spent last night sobbing my heart out....I think this was a GOOD thing tho..released something!

Went to work today..felt bit weird...As the day went on people were calling in left right and centre sick! I took client out shopping and lunch..Lets say by the time I got back to work....f** it..Said to the boss I feel really c**P..Got on the phone in front of her and booked doc appointment(my docs are soooo good) Gave me one for this evening.

Have a chest infection...got anti bios...inhalers...cost of flippin mortgage!

So got couple of days in the sick bed!

Mega posting tomorrow!

Sue xxx

Sue.

9 weeks gamble free for you another weeks abstinence see,s the dawn of more nought'es!!!

So you joined sick bay.

I been in bed all day and i am sure whilst sleeping a truck must have driven back and forth!!!

Right over the top of me!!!!

Still got my hot dogs keeping me warm, they love to sleep.

Duncs stepping forward never back

You are so eloquent in describing your past and your openess and honesty shines out.

Similar past to you but I find it difficult to express as yet, will get there eventually.

Tried the online stuff last year and had over 200 replies, what a shock especially with my mug shot for all to see. Some right a******** and didn't find my soul mate but made two very good friends out of it. I was not ready to move forward cos of illness but would def try again in the future.

On the lemsip and brandy myself at the moment so bottoms up and hope you feel better soon.

xxx

HI Sue,

Aww a poorly little womble. Hope your feeling better soon and I think im joining you and duncs in the sick bay feel rotton today myself.

Hot water bottles, cr** tele, comfort food and sleep is the order of the day.

Keep warm, get well soon

Blondie. Cough cough, splutter ... aaaaaa tishooooo

xxx

Hi ya Womble!! Just been catching up on your diary. Hope your starting to feel a lickle bit better. Being ill is just orrible isn't it? My advice is not to go back to work until your properly better. So many of us caring types put others needs before our own.. am just as guilty of that as the next carer. be good to yourself.

As for the profile/dating thing its exactly like you say... if your not ready or you just don't want to do it then thats cool. For me i go for periods of time when am absolutely fine being on my own and thats cool too! When am ready to change things then i will or maybe i won't... what will be is what will be.

Interestingly I was watching some programme with Trevor Macdonald about Indiana state prison. Some prsioners go for a life time just sitting in a cell for 23 hours a day. You'd think that they'd all go mad but some came across as "just fine" absorbing themselves in books and keeping physically healthy... its like they'd come to terms with how things were and depite the confines of the 4 walls had found peace of mind.

Am not sure why am wittering on about this but hey ho just wanted to say something. Regards... S.A

P.s well done on the gambling free time! 🙂

hey there poppett.....

Are you still in the sick bay???

Hope you will be back to normal transmission soon....no pressure or 'owt...

; ) xxx

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .....also chucking you over some snowballs.. xx

r and d xx