My journey and understanding of what spiritual recovery is all about.

My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!

Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed,

Today my fears willingly faced simply one at a time.

Today my frustrations are resolved by understanding frustrations were causing me great pains due to my unreasonable expectations of people, and life, and now accepting the understanding that reducing my unhealthy expectations of other people and life today makes life far less painful and I am more at peace with myself.

For me fulfilling my wants needs and goals is an important part of my recovery.

This week I will be attending at least four meetings at different locations.

I have less to say and more to do, there was a time I did things reluctantly and resentfully sadly I was hurting myself.

Often in recovery I have heard people say that fear will stop me gambling.

Sadly for me I understand that any fear would not stop me doing unhealthy action.

I found that I needed to be emotionally disconnected from all aspects of my addictions and obsessions.

To not hate gambling to not fear gambling just to be at peace with people that willing took my hard earned money time and time again.

Today I understand that I have a second family, I am not alone, I have the choice and ability to communicate and interact with people with same goals and ambitions.

There was a reference recently about trying to juggle too many balls in the air at the same time, that was o much me in so many ways.

There were people who have come a long way in their recovery.

Having a healthy second family there is a far healthier interaction with people understanding both of views and varying belief systems.

I was born proud of my work today, I made a load support with is very unusual.

One thing I have off doing is flat planer tungsten bade sharpening, I have never sharpened one before yet I know I can do it.

There was a time when self doubt and lack of faith and hope in myself was an everyday unhealthy way to not live.

I am some times after over 43 years in and out of recovery does recovery work for me and do I still need it.

I think that the spiritual recovery is an ongoing spiritual growth thing that at one time I use to react in an unhealthy way to people and situations in my life.

Today being a much spiritual person I tended to interact rather than react from my pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

It was mentioned last night that I seem to be a place of calmness and peace, yet I would say that they were just words to me at the beginning of recovery and healing.

There is no doubt in my mind that ignorance was very apparent in my life because I did not understand how unhealthy I was.

I use to react like a beaten dog continuously living and reacting in fear and did not even know it.

IN the old days I did not have a choice but to be unhealthy, you can argue was it the emotional use that most adversely affected from me from an early age or could have been the physical abuse or even any kind of abuse.

Sadly it was just not physical abuse because when people abused me they often transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me time and time again, till you reach the point when you think there must be something wrong with me.

I am part of a very healthy program; people are most honest than they ever were before recovery, people once they value them self then care about other people.

Even with Shirley is away from me for long periods of time I am not alone.

I could have not got to be the person I am today without the spiritual recovery program, could have not got to be the person I am today without the help of Shirley y family and friends, and most certainly could not e the person I am today without doing baby steps each day and learning new skills in dealing with people and life in a healthier way.

I was very erratic and unreliable in those days before spiritual recovery, and my only focus then was if I was to stop gambling I would be fine.

It did not happen that way.

I then thought once I paid off my debts I would be happy and at peace with myself.

It did not happen that way.

I thought that recovery program would fix me all I did was read the books.

It did not happen that way.

Does time off mean that a person is an expert, does time off mean that a person is at peace with himself and with those people around him.

Once I could relate to other people by their honest in depth sharing I could see myself as I was before spiritual recovery I could see and feel all those unresolved pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

I could relate to other people by their honesty and their sincerity loyalty and commitment not only to them self but also their renewed loyalty and commitment to their family not by money by sharing themselves their time and being more intimate with their family.

Once we open up and have healthy interactions with our family we also see how much time we lost while in action and that time and contact cannot be recovered it is time lost.

In action money and gambling were my main focus, I use to every excuse to avoid family and family events because I did not feel connected with them.

The honesty of my therapies started in the spiritual rooms of recovery first of all and then I opened my eyes to the fact that being honesty was not painful anymore and the truth was being honest made me relationship with other people much healthier.

That moment when you shake hands with healthy people, that moment when people open up and become free of their past and people have learned to forgive them self and even able to laugh at them self is very powerful.

There will always be people who are not able to get beyond war stories and for them it is very sad indeed.

My father was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler and he was like me did not have a choice in his life.

He was not able to say that he loved me or to give me any kind of compliment it was not in him to open up and to be himself, ne never found any answers in the bottom of those drink of beer.

I now know that he loved me yet was not able to say it, I am disappointed that I was not able to say to him that I loved him unconditionally, I wanted to yet I now understand that he would not be able to cope with a person loving him unconditionally.

Yesterday I was asked do I live in any regrets that was a very powerful question, I would like to think that I do not want to live in regret having not given every effort in to my love with Shirley my wife.

In reference to me not being healthy in the old days I really did not have a choice, then once in recovery I so much wanted to blame the world for how I felt, then I woke to the serenity and understanding of what things I can control.

I am riddled with guilt shame embarrassment today, no not really one thing you learn in recovery you are not able to change the past or get your money lost and once one accepts that simple fact the quicker we can get on with today and focusing on our future.

The funny thing is that people were able to forgive me long before I was able to forgive myself. And that people had more faith and hope in me than I had in myself.

Were all people able to forgive me completely that I do not know for sure, if they have lack of trust fear resentments vengeance towards me that is their choice, if they do not think or feel that I have become healthier that is their choice not mine.

Shirley my wife when she is completely honest with me at every level I know that she is not living in fear of me.

Can I say I will never gamble again, sorry just because I have twenty years off gambling does not mean I will not gamble tomorrow, all I do is take baby steps just for today I will not gamble is simple and is achievable?

I will not gamble today is a healthy boundary that says I care too much about myself to put myself through all that pain again.

Gambling is the very last thing I want to do today.

How do we learn to value money, well for me it took time to take a number which was a large bet before recovery, and then work out my net hourly rate how long it took me to work to get that money?

I then divided that hourly rate in to one of my last large bets and it works out the week’s hours and minutes how long it took me to earn that money.

One person once said at a meeting he had just spent a month’s wages money in one day, he then said something very powerful, he said I could have stayed at home all that month had a holiday got things done and would have been where he was that day without any money but would not be in pain angry afraid and frustrated.

I calculated conservatively how much money I lost and it was a house cars holidays nice cloths nice furniture and I basically said I did not deserve those nice things and gave them away while I am my family went without.

My family did nothing to deserve those unhealthy things I said and done to them, I betrayed and let them down deeply.

Shirley & I were talking about if we could go back in time knowing what we know now and how we would get on with this new found wisdom, we both laughed.

Sadly we could talk to people yet we doubt they would understand what we were talking about, the same way if I was able to talk to myself back over 43 years ago day one on walking in to recovery.

Spiritual values are decline and sadly no one is doing a thing about it, today focus is about finances business money power control and self image.

I felt a complete failure on walking in to the spiritual recovery program, I felt I was without faith or hope in myself, I felt I was a victim of the gambling addiction.

Being consumed by unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions yet could not see the decline and failure in listening and even my listening to my own conscience.

There is no doubt in my mind before recovery program I was in emotional trauma and could not identify what was my feelings and emotions were or understand I kept escaping how I felt or understood what I was feeling.

I can say that before the spiritual recovery program I did not have a clue that in my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions I was in serious decline.

The longer I was going to continue bury and suppress my pains I was like a pressure chamber getting more likely to explode and was being more and more over sensitive and get anger at people and life and sometimes at very simple things.

The questions people often ask how do you heal pain, how do you recovery from being so intolerant and impatient with the world and people around me.

What is our concept as to what is evil; if there was only one single person on this planet would it be an evil planet.

For me there is no devil, for me people are either healthy or unhealthy, people who are healthy do not say or do evil things towards each.

For me before recovery I use to get angry so quickly and because I could not heal my pains face my fears or understand my frustrations I would be aggressive and confrontational towards people.

Transferring my pains fear and frustration on them, sometimes I use to think that by being vengeful I wanted justice which is my justification to doing some or saying unhealthy towards a person which was unhealthy, often causing them pain.

For me being angry is not healthy, when I am being angry I am not healing my pains, when I am being angry I am not facing my fears, when I am being angry I am causing myself pain due to my unreasonable expectations of people or life.

Before recovery my motivations for doing things were for unhealthy reasons, reluctance resentfully, doing things of guilt, doing things of penance, doing things of duty, doing things at the last minute which caused me unnecessary stress.

For me anxiety nervousness depression procrastination stress worrying is all fear based issues.

I use to think that people were responsible for how I use to feel, well that is not so for me today, my unhealthy reaction is my responsibility.

As a child my parent’s aggression and confrontation had an adverse effect on my well being, I even in some ways felt responsible for their pains fear and frustrations.

So during my childhood years I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered abuse, I now understand that my emotional wants and needs were not supplied in my vulnerable years.

Yes now understand that I was a victim of things done to me but also a victim because of my missing emotional wants and needs, I needed to feel cared for, loved nurtured and protected, that did not happen for me.

My parents were unable to show intimate affection, they not even able to protect them self or care love them self and or each.

The subjects came up recently suspicion instincts and awareness and our fears, well awareness as we heal becomes greater, before we had lost faith in our instincts and often allow unhealthy people to take advantage of us in different ways in the earlier part of our life.

People were kind to us to gain our trust and then take advantage of us, yet why did people keep doing it to us and not to people.

Well for me they sensed our vulnerability and told us things that we wanted to hear and once we were sucked in then tried to control us in to doing things that were not healthy.

The spiritual program asks us to avoid people in addictions who are not in a spiritual recovery program, not because of their addiction but because they will have an adverse effect on our recovery.

The spiritual program asks us to help our self take progressive baby steps from day one; it asks to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

I use to think and feel that the spiritual program was going to limit me and it would control my life.

Silly I the spiritual recovery program was going to help me have more healthy choices in my life.

This web site gives up the opportunity to talk openly and question everything about recovery and spiritual recovery, sadly some of the old times and that was me feel threatened when our belief system is questioned, yet we are suppose to understand the reason and logic of everything we are asked to do and asked not to do.

The recovery program says do not do this or do not do that, I think that wording that says it is in your best interests to not have access to money or credit because we are not able to trust our self for some time.

Money is just the fuel for our addictions, yet just because we abstain from our addictions does not mean we have found peace and serenity in our self.

It is in your best interests to not sit idle once you abstain, but to fill the times and voids in your life with healthy hobbies and healthy interests.

Yes complimenting your self is important, giving yourself approval and validating your self is very important, the reward of your new healthy consequences of your healthy actions is pride in oneself.

Can a non religious person agnostic or atheist gain true spiritual recovery, yes they certainly can do, yet recovery is just a manual to making a good life for yourself.

Once in recovery your steel will often be tested time and time again, you will find that before recovery you would go ape s**t mad and the same testing things now will make you laugh.

There is no limit to becoming spiritually healthy, being more caring and loving was hard for some time, yet gratitude and appreciation means your values have changed.

Today I know I am a survivor and it has nothing to do about addictions or obsessions, today I am willing to try anything to improve myself and the quality of my life.

For me most of my fears stemmed from my child hood along with self doubt and lack of confidence, it is important to understand how important it was for parents to build up a Childs confidence and self esteem.

How can anyone build confidence and self esteem in oneself by doing more and more healthy actions? It is also built by a person fulfilling their own wants and needs from the very simple to even coming out of oneself.

In working with people or sponsor it is about building ones confidence once more and also character building so we are able to cope with life challenges.

Someone told me I was an accident looking for some where to happen, I assumed they were talking about my driving, but now understand that were talking about my destiny in my unhealthy life.

Every time a person breaks out gambling is a lesson if the person is willing to learn from their last bet, often people will focus on money and the gambling, it is important to understand how you felt vulnerable emotionally what emotions drove you to gambling.

It takes time to peel back the onion and expose and recover that little hurt child, and once that happens, that little child will cry laugh and also want to play.

Our answer to twenty questions change as we become more honest with our self, that growth in honesty indicates indicate less fear and more trusting of the people in the rooms and the open therapies.

The responsibility of every recovery program person is to make the new member as comfortable as we can, that means we do not focus our eyes or therapies at that person, we should not push people to talk until they are ready for it.

By focusing on new people can have an adverse effect on new people who are emotionally traumatized and filled with fear, people need to understand that attending meetings they do not have to do or say anything what so ever just relax and listen.

The only criteria for attending spiritual rooms of recovery are a desire to get healthy.

Every one opens up at their own rate, every faces their fears up at their own rate, every one heals and nurtures their emotional pains at their own rate.

Can I laugh at myself today, can I be fearless today, and are my actions and words healthy towards myself and other people today.

My family being completely unconditionally honest with me today demonstrates they do not fear me.

Why would any person allow an addiction to take over their life, why would a person go in to such an unhealthy spiritual decline and finish up being their own worst enemy?

People often refer to gambling as giving them a buzz, that some addicts think that adrenaline rush is happiness and excitement, well for me risk taking starting from a very early age.

Sadly my emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled and I internalized a lot of that, hence as an adult I felt responsible for how people felt.

My emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled not because they would not nurture and heal me it was the fact they were ignorant as to how to be healthy parents they were not able to resolve their own emotional wants and needs.

Today I understand that when I walked in to recovery I was not dumb or stupid I was how ever very ignorant, and as I grew to understand myself I would make that conscious that I wanted to change from being ignorant and spiritually unhealthy to becoming more aware and spiritually healthy.

Why the reluctance to write down and be accountable to myself emotionally, why lie to the twenty questions, after all I only needed to be honest with myself, not to anyone else.

So can I say today that when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program that for me has nothing what so ever to do about religion, was I emotionally traumatized, was I over sensitive and got angry at everything and everyone.

On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I would say that I use to escape yet could I name my fears, or could I identify my fears and when fears started in my life.

I was like many people born spiritual, I was born fearless, I was born completely honest, I was born completely trusting, I was born wanting to learn and experience everything be excited at everything and everyone.

I walked in to recovery filled with fear, easy became so easy for me it was a way of life, I could not trust myself or trust people, I had in fact given up all faith and hope in myself.

So what would cause me to go against my own conscience and go against spiritual values, what would cause me to not understand if I trusted or feared my own parents?

How do you know that the pains of our past have been healed, for me thinking about or talking about it no longer hurts but more importantly the pain is replaced with sadness?

Sadness is an indicator that pains at that time are now put to rest, how do you know you have forgiven yourself at a subconscious level, once you are able to laugh at yourself you have forgiven yourself.

Who is to say what is healthy or unhealthy, that is our choice and sharing with people.

Any addiction or obsession causes a decline in our spiritual values and interactions with people and a decline in our important spiritual values and causes an imbalance in our well being.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L