[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Hahaha! Slice a carrot or boil a swede, you do make me laugh! 

I managed to get my two cleaning jobs done in two hours (ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies). 😉

I did battle with a ginormous spider and defeated it!!!! 

I feel much better this evening. No anxiety, no bad thoughts or ought. I reckon it's eating summat. 

Maybe my plan of not eating and saving the money to pay off my card was not such a great one. Got me back into the old bad habit of not eating and that is seriously the only thing I've done different today than the last 10 days or so. 

Anyways, feels good to feel normal. 🙂 

I shall eat summat healthy tommoz. Promise x

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

Pleased to see that you are feeling more positive & upbeat about your work and life in general, although it is sad that your hubby is not feeling very well. I hope he is feeling better for your visit to Whitby.

I was somewhat alarmed to read that you were being neglectful in your eating habits but as your mood has lifted, your taste buds seem to have come alive, so that is good. I remember once reading that DramaLlamas march on their stomachs. Or it might have been Armies, I sometimes get the two mixed up.

Hope you have a super duper week.

Stephen x  

Stephen, please don't be alarmed. I didn't realise that's what I was doing that was different till I ate something. I promise I will eat better from now on and forget about debt worries and make eating a priority. 

I love that you care. It's a real tonic but I don't want people to worry about me. That makes me feel bad for creating the concern. 

I hope this really is the answer to it all. It seems like it is cos like I said today is so different mood-wise. 

I am gonna take better care of me. I promise x

Drama x

Thank you Drama that is good to read.

You are a wonderful lady and it amazes me how you cope with all the hours you work plus looking after hubby and taking the dog out for walks. You are hard working, diligent, compassionate and a great inspiration to me.

Redeemer x 

Seriously - this goes to both of you (yes Stephen you too)

Eat properly. Sleep properly.

YOU ARE NOT SUB-HUMAN.

yes you gambled way too much and let yourselves down but you are both victims of a brain disorder and were vulnerable - you are not horrible s**t human beings who have to engage in acts of pseudo-masochism as a way of repenting for your sins - consciously or sub-consciously.

Honestly... ? The two of you remind me of that bloke at the beginning of da Vinci code sometimes - the one that beats himself up in the name of God.

You will have far better chances of navigating a good recovery if you both learn to love yourself again. And that means less punishing, more nurturing.

You are not bad people. You are vulnerable people. Vulnerable people need nurture and self-care so they can nurture strength.

Gambling will come looking for you again. Make sure you have strength in the tank when it does... And by that I mean a sense of self-esteem. 

Eat properly (both of you) ?

I hear you signalman. Take care of myself. Gotcha. x

I had a good nights sleep. Woke up feeling happy and refreshed. I worked from home today. Feet up, nice and relaxing. 

I went on the groupchat thing at dinner time and said thanks to the mod. I wanted her to pass it on cos I'm really grateful for the support I've had over the last week or so. 

I've had a bacon, mushroom and tomato sandwich from the local shop for breakfast. It was nice. 

I saw my counsellor this aft. Won't go into details but it was a good chat. 

I've played some Pokemon. Might play some more later if the rain holds up. 

My dog has fleas but I had a thing in the doggy cupboard for it so I've dosed her up. We can't cuddle her or let her on the furniture so she's playing up cos she wants hugs and kisses. She keeps barking at me which is adorable. 

No gambling thoughts or ought bad. I am happy. 

Drama x

I've had a good day so far. Had a bath this morning. Put on some fresh clothes and got to work for 9.30. There were 3 big bosses there so glad I didn't look too bad. I got some work done. 🙂

Boss left at 4 so I nicked off early. 

I have two cleaning jobs plus I have to take Hubby to Church to fix a problem with their printer. Plus I have to take the two lots of keys for my jobs to the two lads that are covering for me. Lord knows what time I'll sit down later. 

I had a Spam and Mushroom sandwich with red sauce for breakfast and Chicken Balti and Rice for dinner. It was very tasty. 

I feel healthy in mind. 

Drama x

Should've mentioned I am off to Whitby tommoz so may not update my journal till Monday. 

Don't anybody get worried by my absence. I will be having long lie-in's, walks on the beach with my dog, playing Pokemon and generally having the best time!!! 

Drama 

xoxoxo

Hello Drama.

Wishing you a great weekend in Whitby. Lovely place and you have brought back happy memories of a couple of holidays I had there many years ago.

The weather looks good for Friday & Saturday but maybe some rain on Sunday. It will do you the world of good to get away from work for a little while and your dog will love a walk and the fresh sea air.

Thankyou for posting on my new diary.

I lost the plot for a few hours so have started again. 

Stephen x 

You came straight back here and posted mate. You have recovery in your heart. Hold on to that and have a great weekend. 

Love from Drama x

Hi DramaLlama,

Thank you for informing us and the other Forum Users that you may not update your diary again until Monday. We genuinely like to keep an eye out for everyone’s well-being, and we do notice sometimes when people are absent and hope that it is for the best possible reason such as going on holiday/away for the weekend like yourself. So glad to hear that you are looking forward to going to Whitby and have plans of what you will do there. We hope you have a lovely time.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Friday. 

Went to Whitby! Me and Hubby got to the beach and I rolled up my jeans and took my shoes and socks off and went in the sea. My dog came in with me. She was playing with a stick and fetching it from the water. It was marvelous given she's scared of water usually and won't come near the river when I go paddling. It was lovely to see! 

We went out for tea in the evening. It was super expensive. Spent £60 on day 1. I was mega anxious about that. It was a nice tea and I ate an oyster and some muscles for the first time ever. 

I wanna be honest about a thing that happened in the evening. Hubby and our friends were doing Coke and I decided to try it. I'm not proud but I felt really left out. All it did was extend the drinking hours really. We didn't go to bed till 3 in the morning and when we were out smoking there were lot's of riffraff about and it was pretty dangerous in my opinion. Some travellers wanted to invite themself into the guest house to party but I told them we were going to bed. They seemed very cross. 

We played a game that I love called Dingbats. It's a sort of guess the phrase from the puzzle game and I lvoed it but Hubby and our friends hated it and found it really very frustrating. 

Saturday. 

We slept in late. My friend L made a fry up for everyone. Me and Hubby went for a walk and played Pokemon. Them 3 all went to sleep for naps and I was on my own watching telly and it was boring really. I got pie from a local butchers shop for tea cos I didn't wanna spend alot of money. We stayed in to eat and drunk lot's and lot's of beers. 

I didn't know this but I got up in the night for a wee and went and slept on the sofa and was naked. Hubby was not happy about this. He woke me up and brought me back to bed at 4am. 

Sunday

Hubby woke me to see if I wanted to go for a walk. I said yes. He said you don't f***g care about me. I didn't understand why he was saying that so I blobbed the walk and went back to sleep. It's only later in the day I found out I'd gone to sleep on the couch. I have no idea why I did that. I can't volunteer an answer for him. What I did say was I love you. I don't know what more I can do to demonstrate that. Last time you slept across the bed I slept on the floor cos I knew you would think I was being funny. Maybe last night I was too drunk to care?

The dog has anxiety. She always has from being 8 weeks old. She ran and hid behind the couch and wet herself when we went to look at puppies to choose and Hubby chose her cos she needed looking after. This weekend has not been good for her. She hasn't eaten at all. Wouldn't eat steak or chicken and rice or any kind of dog food. She looked really skinny on her back end today and still wouldn't eat so we chose to come home a day early. 

She is now curled up by the fire asleep after eating some chicken and rice and dog biscuits. I'm hoping being home and in familiar environment will make her happy and healthy again. 

Not the weekend I had hoped for. I had some good experiences, some really odd out of this world, never thought I'd do that experiences and some bad. 

I found out my friends know I am a problem gambler because Hubby told them. I am unhappy with this. It's my secret to tell. Also, blaming our entire debt problem on that when he went sick from work for a year giving me the impression we could spend on credit cards because he would be back at work eventually was not fair. I ran up a massive debt which did add to my anxiety. This isn't a me problem. It's a we problem. 

Um, that will do for now. 

Drama x

Also, haven't gambled for 14 days. That feels good. 

Congratulations Drama on two weeks gamble free. Excellent progress. You have a great attitude, your hearts in the right place and your angels will be pleased.

Thank you for the great account you wrote of your holiday weekend. A great read and although it wasn't 100% to your liking, you still had some good laughs, fun walks and a bit of partying. 

Wishing you every happiness as you continue on your gamble free adventure.

Stephen x 

Thanks for the support Stephen. Hopefully it will get easier and I'll just push on from here and keep talking every time it's hard. 

I've had a very quiet day today. My dog has still been sick. She was refusing food most of the day. I wanted to take her to the vets but Hubby kept crying everytime I said it and saying they'll kill her. Now, I think she prolly needs some antibiotics or summat which will be dear but not undoable and I don't believe in waiting but with Hubby's extreme reactions I've just not taken her. I feel horrid. 

Hubby has managed to get her to eat some sausages and dry dog food with a bit of hot water poured on it. 

I went to my first tutorial for 2nd year law tonight 7.00 till 8.30ish. Very good it was too. I think I did well cos I had prepped for it last week when my boss had no work for me. 

No Booze + No cigarettes today. Nasty cough from smoking them awful under the counter f**s so I decided to swerve them and I'm feeding my tummy actimel and Pizza to say sorry for being wicked this weekend. 

Oh and I also went to Evening Prayer tonight. First time I've been to Church to pray for a long time. It felt good. 

Drama x