[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Woke up this morning feeling well rested and happy. Genuinely happy. Woke up before the alarm and cuddled up with Hubby in the warmth of the bed. He got up about 7.30 and made me a brew and brought my pills up. I got ready for work at a relaxed pace and got there for 8.30. 

I was a bit frustrated with work today. Everything I looked at was challenged. I feel like I come from a background of rules and regulations where everything is very black and white and the people I am working with now are trying to justify any things I find that are wrong instead of just accepting that things need to be flagged up as wrong. I raised it with someone pretty high up cos I'm sick of being told not to input things that I think are deffo wrong. 

I went for dinner with my mate. I had some chinese hoisin duck noodle stir fry. It was lush. 

This evening I had to get my keys back from the two lads. One had posted them through the door of the place I clean so I had to get there before they shut and pick them up. The other one told me a tale about a big bus crash/police incident that was the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. I ended up driving to his village to pick them up. No signs of any incident and he told me recovery had just been. I know all about RTA's and it's poppycock quite frankly. Anyway, I got the keys. Then I took Hubby to the pub. Did my cleaning jobs and now I'm home. I will not be waking up fresh as a daisy tommoz. No way. It's no wonder I am stressed really. Dunno how I've been doing all this work up till now. I am sat here completely tired out. 

Someone from Gamcare called me at 2.30 P.m and I told her I was great but what a difference a day makes. 

My dog is eating better. Not great but she is eating so hopefully she's on the mend. 

I don't feel like gambling but I do feel a bit stressed. 

Hopefully tommoz will be easier. I suspect not. I normally work from home on a Wednesday cos I go see my Debbie in the afternoon and it's easier for me to go from my house. However, my boss wants me in the office for a desk move. I am a laptop user and I subscribe to the value of having a clear desk policy so I keep everything in my locker that doesn't live in my laptop bag. I only need to move my chair cos it's a special needs one and my mate R said he'd move it for me but my boss wants me there to be part of the team move. It's naff. 

I've also found out he's told someone she can sit with me Thursday and Friday to learn her new job but I normally work from home Friday as I take my Methotrexate then and it makes me too sick to drive. This way means I'll have to take it later in the day and it will make me sick on Saturday which sucks. I like my weekends free. 

I can't catch a break. What a return to work after a few days off. 

Oh and we've got mice in the house. It doesn't rain but it pours. 

Drama. 

Stayed up late last night arguing online with them blokes from FB who blocked me. I am a nosey female so I wanted to know if they'd said ought about me. I made up a new profile on Twitter and spied on their TL's and saw that they'd posted my FB screenshots on there with my full name! I went nuts have a massive rant and swear about how much I hated them. Then after that I really wanted to gamble. I chatted a woman on the helpline and was telling her about how mad I was and she's like "what's that gotta do with gambling?" and I'm like durr! Just looking at the screen like really?! and I told her that it set me off and I wanna gamble. She told me to breathe and it reminded me of Debbie's breathing exercises so I did that for a bit and calmed down and the urge went. I'm pleased that I didn't gamble but hated being so needy and weird. Anyway that was yesterday and I'm still gamble free. 

Today I went to the office for 9. Some lassie called L came and stood next to my desk and said the boss said she's to shadow me today. I was like, well, he didn't tell me. I didn't wanna make her first day suck so I reined in my bad mood and said let me get a coffee and a sandwich down me and I'll give you a shout in 10 minutes. I made her do the keyboard and mouse work whilst I guided her on what to do verbally. I've trained lot's of people over the years and I find getting them to do the inputting slows me down and helps me work at their pace and they gradually speed up as they understand it more. It also gives them the confidence of working on multiple systems and screens at once. We got through two reviews together and I learnt alot from her because she has different skills to me. 

I left the office at 2p.m and went home for a cuppa with Hubby. Then I went to see Debbie. I thought it was my last appointment but it was the penultimate one so that's nice. I told her all about my weekend and last night and gambling urges and Uni work and wanting to be the best at everything. We are gonna chat next week about wanting to be perfect at everything. She doesn't think it's good for some reason. I can't see how striving to be the best is a bad thing but hey ho. I guess I'll find out. 

I took Hubby to the pub after, then I set off to see a man about a dog (on behalf of Hubby). Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Anyway so i saw him and then gave him a lift somewhere then back to see Hubby then off to work. Someone was still in the office at the first place I clean so I couldn't do any ducking and diving. Just had to do them both. That sucked. 

I am gonna watch some telly and go to bed and not go on social media at all. I have to be in the office tommoz to train that other lass. Gonna try and get out of Friday though. I need a lie-in. 

I had a sausage butty for breakfast and a ham and cheese roll and some crisps and a crunchie for my tea. 

Drama x

18 days done. 

Don't feel like saying ought else. 

Drama. 

Hiya Drama. I hope you have had a good day.

Your striving to be a perfect seems to me to be very admirable but I suppose for some people there is a danger it could lead to obsessional behaviour and that would not be so good.

I have made a decision to stop keeping a diary for a while as I think a break will do me good but I will still follow the progress of friends like yourself for whom I have the greatest respect and admiration.

I wish you success and happiness at work, in your home life and also in your studies. You are a hard working lady who is both caring and compassionate and you certainly have a lot of drive and ambition. They are all excellent qualities and for that you should be very proud.

Stephen x 

I'm glad you posted Stephen. I kinda didn't wanna talk cos I felt like you were the only one that reads it so what's the point if you aren't here? I was having a boo I guess. I will update tommorow as normal. 

hi drama ive been reading ur story and you've got a lot on ur plate but are doing great keep it up adam

Thank you adam. I'm trying. 

Today was alright. I had to go to the office to look after this new lassie that's joined our team. I couldn't leave her alone it's not fair. I hated that I had to go in though and can't wait till folk are able to do the work independent of help. 

I left at 2. My cleaning boss needed me to do a job at 4 and I took it on cos I owe money to my friend for the Whitby trip. I didn't tell Hubby I was doing an extra job cos he would've gone mental but the fact is we need the money. 

I did that job and I'll do the other two tommoz. I also need to write 1000 words on contract law before the end of the weekend so hopefully that will keep me out of bother. 

I don't feel like gambling at all. I went on chat tonight and everyone was super nice with each other. It's nice when it's like that. Like we all care about each others recovery. 

I will try and join chat tommorow afternoon. I hope it's the same. 

Drama. 

xoxoxo

Sorry missed chat, I allways forget afternoon ones ill be on tonight tho

The worst thing about giving up gambling is having to face up to everything and stop burying your head in the sand. It's exactly like losing your favourite hiding place. I think that's what my recent slip was all about. It's completely overwhelming having to stop and deal with the emotions and hurt that you feel inside. The mountain of debt and working 3 jobs and finally opening the post and answering the phone calls. Blocking the free bet offers instead of celebrating them. It was all just so much to deal with. 

I am in a good place today. I am thinking clearly and realising that this isn't a forever problem. It's just for now. If I keep putting one foot in front of the other and stop digging deeper, this time will pass and things will get better. 

Today I had cornflakes for breakfast and chinese chicken curry with egg fried rice for dinner. 

I had a really nice chat about football with a lad at lunch time. He's fairly local to me but supports a different team but it felt nice to have the appreciation of sport on a Saturday with no urges to gamble on it. 

I went to work after I watched my team draw which was nice. 

I did one cleaning job then went to the park with the dog for half hour then home for a tea break. 

Then I went and did the other cleaning job. 

Then I went on chat again this evening and everyone was lovely with each other. Really supportive. It feels like a really warm place to talk about stuff free from worrying about judgement. 

Now I'm watching cop shows and gonna get an early night in. 

G'nite Godbless. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

I woke up at 5 this morning. I went to bed very early last night so it wasn't a big deal but I would've preferred a lie-in. Hubby neglected to bring me my pills yesterday morning. I suspected so and asked him yesterday afternoon but neither of us could remember and I didn't wanna double dose. Anyway so I woke up with restless legs and couldn't get back to sleep. 

I had itchy eyes most of the day so didn't feel like studying. I went on lunchtime chat for a bit. Noone else was there but the mod and no disrespect to them, they are lovely but I go on chat for the peer to peer support. If I wanted to just chat with a Mod, I'd go on the Helpline. I didn't stay too long. 

I went to Sainsbury's to get some whoops'd deals and got some Smoked Salmon and a Steak and Ale pie dirt cheap. Then I went to Lidl's to get some other stuff. 

Then me and the dog went to the park and played Pokemon for a bit. It was super busy. Must be half term or summat. It was full of kids. The dog hated having to be on the lead most of the time but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Can't mess about with big dogs and kids. She could bowl one over just thinking she's playing. 

I got back from that trip and did 3 hours reading for my degree. It boggled my brain and made me scared about writing my assignment. Like how much detail I have to put in? What do I reference? I should prolly talk to my tutor but this assignment is only worth 10% of my overall grade so I reckon I'll give it a bash and see how I do on my own. I have till 31st Oct to get it done. Really need to knuckle down. 

I watched the Green Bay Packers game which was awesome. They totally dominated. 

Then Hubby wanted to go to the pub for a nightcap. I took him cos I reckon he needs some guy time and he gets to chat to people that aren't me. It can't be healthy being cooped up all day. 

Today I have eaten a bagel and cheese and some cornflakes. Not a right good eating day but I can't help it. I'm not hungry. 

I'll try and do better with that tommoz cos I don't wanna go mental again. 

Drama x

It's really important to me that everyone gets to experience recovery in a safe environment. I hate when people put themselves at risk when they are in a real vulnerable position. I love you guys. I want you to be safe. 

Hi Drama Llama

I just wanted to drop in and mention about something you said in your diary about no one reading your diary. I wanted to let you know I have come on the site nearly everyday and one of the things I always do it look for an update on your diary. I have been keeping up and following your progress since I last posted, I’ve just been lurking in the background and not posting but always here supporting your journey even if it’s silently. 

Keep going strong and keep writing. I love reading your updates. 

As as for your last podt, unfortunately when people are feeling helpless and vulnerable we don’t think about the further consequences but admin have removed the post you were referring to. 

Hope you have a good week. 

Bex 

It's good to know you're still about Bex and that you check-in on me, that's sweet. I was just having a boo cos I miss Stephen but it's his recovery and he has to do it his way. I guess I don't always express my emotions in a healthy way when upset but I'm fine with it now and journaling has helped me enormously. Like I wouldn't have figured out the link between eating poorly and my mental health if I hadn't been journaling. 

As for that lassie last night. I was freaking out for her. I just thought that's summat a loan shark would jump on. Offering money and getting her in more trouble. Or other kinds of predators. I know the regular posters here want to offer genuine support and that's cool but I'm very risk aware naturally and I was scared for her. I'm glad to see the admins have offered to exchange details for her because I'm sure they would only do so if they felt the person was genuine like you. 

Okay, my day....

I woke early, hubby brought me tea and my pills. I had a leisurely start and stopped in a village on the way to work for a sausage, friend onion and brown sauce sandwich. It was only £1.95. Absolute bargain price! 

Two colleagues from a City up North and one from a city to the West came for a team meeting. It was nice. They went out for tea but I couldn't go cos I have to go cleaning. I went for dinner with two of them and I had some chilli and a jacket potato and a sprinkle of cheese. I proper flirt with the deli guy so he always gives me a good portion. The guys were super jealous of my dinner but I said you gotta put the hours in with the staff if you want my portions. Haha. 

I did some good work and I helped my colleagues and they were happy. 

Hubby whatsapp'd me to say the dog wouldn't eat at all at dinner time. I called the vets and booked an appointment for 5.45. I didn't ask Hubby for permission. I just told him we were going and we were using his credit card. This was a real powerful thing for me. He didn't wanna have to go cos it's expensive but this is important and it's not something to scimp on. I felt good for getting it done. I explained to the vet about her behaviour and how I think it's possibly a mental rather than physical thing but the vet wanted to do bloods. Simple test £58 plus consultansy charge. Full bloods £160 plus the fee. I said we have to go simple, I'm sorry. The vet was nice about it. We should get the results tommoz. 

I went to cleaning job number 1. The upstairs hadn't been used so I got done in an hour. I came home and fed Hubby some scrambled egg on toast and did a couple for the dog. She ate it with my encouragement. I've also managed to get some high protein treats down her aswell with alot of praise and that. She's lost 7kg's in weight since this started so anything I can get down her feels like a victory. 

Then I went to cleaning job number 2 but I had a mega stitch for some reason. It hurt like mad so I only did a light clean. 

Have to go in the office again for more team stuff tommoz. 

Oh also, I managed to read some of my contract law book and some of it sunk in!!! Wahoo. 

That is all. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

Hi Drama Llama

i hasn’t considered anything about loan sharks, just that there are many weirdos and malicious people about but you have a very valid point. 

The thing about this forum is people come and go, I’ve just looked at my profile and seen that I signed up in 2013. Two things came to mind - why am I still here and how much time I have wasted. For each of us the forum helps in different ways. For some people it’s a reminder of the good and bad, some people have to take a break, some people lurk in the background (like me) and others get the most of it by posting daily. I guess for everyone it’s different. 

Since signing up to Gamstop I come on the site virtually every night and read the diaries, particularly ones like yours where we have messaged in the early days, for me it’s a reminder of the positives, seeing the progress people have made. This helps me stay positive that I can be gamble free. You doing amazing btw, you are such a strong, hardworking person and I love reading your daily conundrums, the ups and downs but most of all the fighting spirit you come back with each and every time. 

From the start of your diary to now, there is such a strength in character shining through and that makes me happy, and why I come back each night for the next instalment. ? 

Great work on the reading, I genuinely don’t know how you fit it all in and still manage to come on here and post daily. 

Hope the results for the vets come back as positive as you can hope for and she will be on the mend soon. Have a great day st work tomorrow. 

Bex

I'm hyper right now. Trying to remember my day. 

Um, same as yesterday morning, I stopped at that butty shop but I got bacon, mushroom and tomatoes. It was a very messy sandwich. 

I did meetings and everything I had to do and left at 4. I've volunteered for an important job for my boss that I shall complete first thing. He seemed really happy that I offered to do it when I'm so new to the job but I told him that I reckon I have the skills to get rid of the simple stuff and the other two volunteers can focus on the tricky stuff. They were happy that I'm not cherry picking, just keen to help in what little way I can and it takes part of the task away from them. 

I normally have an hour with Hubby and the dog. OH! The dog. The blood test results came back this afternoon, they say they are all clear and they think the dog is depressed. Typical. There's alot going on right now so this may be true. They want to put her on anti-depressants but I think some lifestyle changes might be better to give her more activity and input. Don't wanna increase her activity when she's not eating but if it is a mood problem and in the short term I see that, then it will be worth it. Anyway so I normally spend an hour or so with them before cleaning but a woman from Gamcare called. We chatted about it being okay to use the Helpline and that when I'm having wobble but I reckon it just worries them. I chatted the Helpline last night when I was having an urge because of the vet bill and it not being part of the budget so feels like a loss. Hard to explain really but anyway Hubby came down at bedtime and I went up to bed with him. For the best all round. 

I think he's realised me staying up late is bad for me cos my urges are deffo worse then. 

Anyway, so I'm not sure about using the Helpline cos it triggers worry and I hate that. 

Um, so I did my cleaning jobs. Did them both rather well. Had to deal with a bathroom that someone had weed all over. Gross! 

I then took the dog to the park, now please understand, this is my midweek happy place. When the shift is over, I get in the car and say to the dog what a good girl she is and that it's (her name)-time and make a real big deal and she cries and does little whoop's and a happy dance and I drive to the park with her crying with happy excitedness in the back. Then we walk, then we go home. 

Now there was a fella and a lass walking towards us on the other side of the road and I thought I heard him asking about my dog being on a lead so I grabbed her collar and said it's okay mate, I've got her but as they got closer I could hear him ranting and raving about my dog not being on a lead. I'd left it in the car. He told me I was a bit (expletive) stupid for not having my dog on a lead wasn't I? I said I didn't ask for (expletive) opinion did I and we argued back and forth and I dropped so many swear words and told him I was gonna put the dog in the car and come back and kick his whatsit and she told me to naff off and I told her to (expletive) make me. At the TOP of my voice. Major angry attack. I got the dog in the car and turned round and they'd gone. I drove some streets and found them but my logical brain kicked in so I just made some hand gestures that I'm sure they didn't see in the dark and then drove home. 

Not really doing much to help the poor dogs mood am I?

I can't believe I got so angry but why couldn't he just ask nicely? I AM DONE with rude people. I'm not taking it. 

I'm super charged hyper now. I've done my breathing to calm down but I still wanna kick some backside. 

Drama.