[Closed] My Last Bad Day

ROFL! Cheers for calming me down pal! I got shivers. 

Hi drama, just wanted to drop by and say I hope your doing well. I replied to forum admins email accepting your request to swap email addresses. So will probably speak soon. Hope all's ok

Take care

Stace xx

Today. Um, trying to recall. 

So I woke up very hungover. Had far too much beer for a school night and I hit the Gin. It was nice though, like not feeling anxious for the first time since I stopped seeing my counselor. I know booze isn't the answer but it was a release last night to just get wellied and feel comfortable for a change. Being in my head is exhausting sometimes. 

I got an email from forum admin that they had exchanged emails with the person I reached out to. It feels really special to be trusted by someone. I don't know what to say though. That is the weird thing. I've said hello like but I am kinda shy, tongue tied even. It's weird. I hope they bear with me cos I reckon we could be good mates. *Looking at you Stace* x

I did a good days work. I had an online share session with a lass up north where I showed her how to run some reports. She enjoyed it and was amazed by the amount of data she could get. This made me happy. I don't like kingdom builders. That's what Hubby calls people who keep all their knowledge to themselves. I don't do that at all. Everything is easy if you know how and I like sharing so everyone can feel empowered to do a good job. 

I looked at a case today with a vulnerable old guy. His case had been dismissed but this guy was a customer for +10 years and it didn't sit right with me. I don't wanna go into specifics cos it's work but I emailed my boss with the case number and said we should help this guy. I know he hasn't done everything right but like, he's nearly 90 and xyz, let's look after him. My boss thought this was fab. He's gonna escalate it to his boss and see if we can do summat for him. I really hope we can. Sometimes life isn't about following the rules, it's about looking at the bigger picture. 

I went on chat twice today. I love connecting with my recovery buddies. I feel part of something big. Like we are all gonna get through this. One day at a time. I hate GA but that advice is valid. Don't let the bad days get you down. 

A guy at my cleaning firm got sacked this week cos he's rubbish. I went to do his job 4-6 at a village called M. It was my job a while back but since I got a new day job I can't commit the time to it. So anyway, I did it today and it was gross. Really really dirty. I did an extra 45 minutes to make sure it was clean. I felt proud of that. The manager at the place was really grateful and stayed an extra half hour to give me time what I needed to do when I pointed out all the problems. You have to understand that the type of place I clean, it can have a real consequence for ill people if it's dirty. It's completely unacceptable for it to be in such a state. 

Anyway, so the fact that I spent nearly 3 hours there meant I was knacked for doing my normal two jobs. I'll do them tommoz. 

I am feeling better. I wonder if it's not cos I'm seeing my counselor on Wednesday and I want to tell her some good stuff. I have to accept this isn't gonna be a long term thing. I need to let her go but without her has been really c**P. I am a bit scared. Still, I don't need to worry about that now. 

Um, that will do for an update. 

Love you guys. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

Big kisses tonight cos I am happy. 

Today I have had a very low mood. 

I picked an argument on the FB. I chose the opposing argument to someones post on purpose just for badness. I hate this anger that I have developed lately. I've lost so many friends with it. 

I didn't get out of bed today till 3pm. I was awake at midday. I just didn't wanna get out of bed. 

I went on chat tonight. It wasn't good. I felt like someone was unfairly feeling judged cos of gambling. We have all gambled. That's why we are here. We should all support each other in recovery. I firmly believe that. Like if someone else's consequences of gambling don't sit right with you, then please don't judge. It's gotta be 100 times worse for them to face it. 

Someone else was posting about how they got round their blockers and I swear down it was massively triggering. Like, it reminded me of googling how to get round my blockers over a month ago. We shouldn't share our badness with each other. You can say what you did without the devil in the detail. It also hurt me to think that new people to the site were getting this as their first experience of recovery. It would've put me off when I first joined. I felt welcomed and actually loved and respected when I joined and I want that for everybody. I mean that. All of you! 

I went to another site tonight and shared some things from my childhood. It was rough but these folks were kind and listened with respect and gave me some good ideas for things to do. 

I don't feel very well tonight mentally. I am glad I am home and safe. 

Drama. 

Hi Drama,

I hate saying i've been so many days clean, but at the end of the day it's just a number. After over 40 years of gambling i'm still 1 bet away from falling back into a pit of despair. Like you i hate reading posts about how some have found a way to get around blocks & exclusion. All i can do at that point is quickly jump to the next post. The way i look at it ignorance is bliss. Only joined the chat tonight at 8.50 pm so can't comment on what was said earlier. All i know is every day we have to find strength we didn't know we had to fight every negative thought & every urge and mutual support is essential.

Kind Regards

AL

Better day today dramallama and all on here.. Hope to drop into chat later.. Work keeps me occupied today ?

Today, I slept till 10 a.m. It was unpleasant waking up because the bed was cold even though I was in it and tucked in. I need more blankets, this house is sooo cold. I'm gonna wear some jim jams tonight. 

I went on chat at lunchtime for a spell. Then I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby. As usual, I have to drive all over town for this. Absolute pain. Then I went to the supermarket for some Sunday dinner and then I went to Lidl to get some beers. Then I went home and dropped off the shopping. 

Then I went to cleaning jobs no. 1 and 2. The dog was sick in the car after the second one. I did not notice. I took her to the park cos I don't like her cooped up too long. Her behaviour was odd. She wouldn't follow me to the bin after I pooper-scooped her do do. She put her head down and flat refused to move. I ran to the bin and back and then on the way back to the car she started puking and I realised that's why her behaviour was odd. I reassured her that all was okay as she seemed upset. I got her back in the car and took her home. No way I'm leaving her in the car when she's unhappy and unwell. I got her out and that's when I realised she'd puked in the car. 

I had a brew and put a chicken in the oven to roast then went and did job. no. 3. Oh, I didn't explain, when I went to get the keys for this job I'm covering this week from the guy who usually does it, he told me that he hadn't done it on Friday. Thing is, I don't have the time to run around tommoz getting the keys from him so I just said I'd do it today. Anyways, so that's how I ended up with 3 jobs. I did job no. 3 and came home. I finished off the roast dinner, went on chat and celebrated Kim's success, albeit a bit quietly but I am zonked. 

Me and Hubby and the Dog had the dinner. The dog ate some chicken and some pigs in blankets and some roasted carrots so I'm happy with that. 

I took Hubby to the pub for a pint as he wanted to go get some tobacco from them. 

Now I am sat down and it's bedtime in 40 minutes. 

Oh and first thing this morning someone was ranting on FB about my opposition to their point of view so I muted the conversation. Honest to goodness, some people are like a dog with a bone. They just won't let it go. 

I am ignoring them. It's for the best really. 

Wishing everybody well. 

Drama x

Hi Drama,

Your posts are like an episode of Coronation St lol. I love the NO B--lS--T  working class posts of yours. You just tell it like it is and each word you speak assures me whenever i'm in doubt i can find the strength to get through each day & resist going back to being bad. This forum would be sooooo much poorer without you.

Sleep Well Mate

AL

deserted and alone
by choice, by action, by deed
i found myself addicted
i felt safe in my need

alone and afraid
of memories, of people, of place
i found myself this comfort
where i could hide my disgrace

afraid and angry
at me, at you, at them
why can't i find the peace i crave
i'm hurting all over again

That was my poem that I told LouLou I would share in chat earlier. 

Al, o*g you did make me chuckle with your Coronation St. reference. I really take your post as a huge compliment. Thank you. 

N'nite Godbless. 

Drama. x

Wow Drama that poem you posted is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing that, it really hit home to me.

Wishing you happy days over the coming week.

Stephen x 

Dave, I chose "My Last Bad Day" as a Title for my diary on purpose because at the time I posted it, I really meant it. I felt like any bad day without gambling would actually be a very good day! It has proven to be true. I wish I was gamble free from when I started this diary but I'm not. My last bad day is now 43 days ago. I am grateful for the support that I've had from this place even if I don't always show it. Thanks for your post. x

Stephen! Hello buddy, I hope you are well, I know you LOVE poems so the fact that you like mine is super special. XXX

Monday! 

So last night I stayed up late watching American football till like 1a.m. 

I got up at 6.30 and got to work by 8. I had a team catch up conference call early and was a bit sluggish and not in the mood for it. The call ended early and the lassie that arranged it has moved the next one to Tuesday afternoon because no-one was feeling it really. I felt bad for her though cos she clearly was hoping for more input. 

I had training at 10.30 and the bloke that organised it turned up 15 minutes late and totally not ready to start. This is a pet peeve of mine. I think being late is just rude and being dis-organised is not professional. We all have bad days but he was like a cross between a snail and a sloth. We did the two minutes silence at 11 cos we are good people and it's the done thing. He got through some of this systems training and when he got to one that I knew inside out and back to front, I excused myself and said I was going for a coffee. I went and collected my mate P and we had a coffee in a comfy area. The fire alarm went off at 12 on the hour. I got up to evacuate and he's like what you doing pal, it's remembrance day?! I said durr, that was an hour ago, this is a real fire! Get out! Haha, he sloped off to his office to get his coat. I exited via the nearest point. Look well if it was a real emergency and he died for his Adidas jacket. *eyeroll*

Anyway, rumour has it among my team that I set the alarm off to get out of training because I did not hide the fact it was dull. (It was not but it were funny to be accused). 

The training finished at 2 and I stood up and said "we all done then" and excused myself. Everyone laughed and said I'm funny. I don't understand why cos I just don't like wasting time. I always leave as soon as the job is done and get on with the next thing. However, I don't mind people giggling. 

I left work at 3.30 cos I'd had no lunch and got in very early. I'd had enough. Again, this makes my pals laugh but I am used to flexing my hours and not asking permission for what to do. I always hit my targets. Never had a boss ever doubt my hours that I put in or the job I do. I'm not going back to a 9-5 shift, no way. 

I wanted to watch mine and Hubby's fave quiz show at 5pm. It's part of our routine now and an important happy hour that we spend together before evening work. Thing is, it's been cancelled. Absolutely gutted! :'( 

I went to cleaning job 1 for 6 and had a nice chat with the lady there. She offloaded about her day. Bless, seriously chick, your day and mine don't even compare. However, I just listened politely whilst she told me her woes. 

I got all 3 jobs done by 10pm which was good going. I managed to join a couple chats tonight. It was nice. 

I took my dog to the park and we had a good visit. She ate half a chicken tonight. She seems much brighter for it. I really wanna spend some time with her because I think she does better when I'm around. 

Deffo going to bed for bed time and not waiting for the anxiety to hit. I'm too knackered. 

G'nite Godbless All. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

I WFH today. I slept till 9.30. I was pleased cos I slept all the way through and felt well rested. Hubby says I was restless and he did not get a good nights sleep. I don't care, he can sleep all day if he wants to. 

I had a meeting this morning. Like a calibration test thing where we all review the same stuff and essentially play spot the difference. This lassie running it asked why I'd put Yes on one where everyone else put no and I'm like I didn't read that document. I just put yes cos I felt I'd spent enough time on the exercise and found enough stuff to talk about. She's laughed and said she loves my honesty. Well, there's no point lying about it is there? You always get found out. 

Not saying I never lie cos obviously when in gambling mode, I did it all the time (usually by omission though) but generally speaking, I don't see the point of it. 

For lunch I had a full English and ate everything but the egg yolk. I was actually starving so that's a good sign. 

My boss has asked me to go into a meeting with him on Thursday morning. I told him I'll get suited and booted. He's like, there's really no need. I said oh yes there is! I said this is about representing our department and whenever a meeting involves representing our department across the business or externally, I always dress up. He said he'd make an effort too. That's nice. I'm old school on this me. I dress like a chav most of the time but not when it matters. I can't wait to go and do that. I shall have to get to bed as early as poss tommoz so I don't look rough and have time to make my hair fancy. 

I did my 3 cleaning jobs tonight and got home just now. I took a break between job no. 2 and 3 to come home and eat a cinnamon bagel and pick up the dog and me and the dog went to the park after work. She was following her nose sniffing and nearly went in the road. I reckon she maybe has doggy dementia or summat. I'm gonna take the extendable lead next time cos her little doggy brain is going. She also had a full english today, minus the mushrooms and tomatoes cos I don't think they are good for dogs. She's also had another wormer. She seems very tired. 

Um, that will do. 

Drama. 

I appreciate your advice and I do take it onboard. I am not in the same healthy place as you are but I will try. 

My Day. 

I woke up at 9:30. I planned to WFH today as I have my appointment with Debbie in the afternoon. I hadn't told Hubby I was seeing her because I didn't know how to approach the topic. At lunchtime I had a bath and put some fresh clothes on. I was stanky and didn't wanna see Debbie looking like that. I have been wearing the same tracksuit for 3 days. I have changed my underwear. I'm not a complete filth offender. 

Hubby asked what I was doing for dinner. I said I have an appointment in the afternoon so hadn't really planned to do ought for lunch. He's all nosey like what appointment? where? etc etc so I told him. *Worried face* "I didn't think you were seeing her anymore" He says. I'm like, I need to. No more discussion. We went to the shop and Church to walk the dog then back home and I went on chat for a short spell. 

I managed to complete two reviews today. It's not massive but I am still learning. Can't wait till I know it all. I'm gonna ask my boss about maybe sending me into the team that I'm reviewing to do some work so I can get some real life experience of it. I think it will make me better at my job overall. We shall see. Gotta walk before you can run. 

I went to see Debbie. I got stuck behind some old couple who were driving like Miss Daisy. Gosh it was annoying. I got to a patch of road that was 50mph, dropped a gear and floored it and overtook them, it was SOOO exciting. Can't remember the last time I overtook someone but I didn't wanna be late and they were getting on my nerves. 

I spoke to Debbie about all my badness. She's amazing at getting to the root cause of stuff. Like I didn't even click that the thing that was bugging me was the thing that was bugging me. I thought it was everybody else. Turns out it's just the one person actually. The thing that was bugging me that I had a plan for, I talked to her about my plan and she came up with a better one, just as a suggestion. It's amazing, having the clarity of thought she has. I'm gonna put it into action. I realise this is saying alot without saying ought but I don't wanna get into it on my diary. 

I came home after seeing her, finished up some work and then went and did my 3 cleaning jobs. I came home after the first two for a brew and went on chat for a bit. I hope people who are struggling are feeling better. It's the worse when you just wanna gamble. I know the feeling well. 

Today I ate a bagel with cream cheese and some scrambled egg on toast. Not alot but it's food. 

Oh, I spoke with Debbie about drinking. She says that your Liver is an amazing organ that can heal itself but, not at the rate I've been punishing it so I said I would take that onboard and not drink so much. I also swore alot in the session but I felt like I couldn't explain myself without explaining all the b.s and f-it attitude and stuff. Debbie did the hand over her head gesture and said she wasn't bothered. It's a good job she doesn't have a swear jar cos I'd be in alot more debt. 

Um, it's my dogs 10 year birthday today. I would normally get presents and wrap them and play games with her but a) I'm mega busy and b) she isn't feeling it. She ate four handfuls of dog food out of my hands today. She wouldn't touch them in the bowl, only if I fed them her. She also had some sausages and some chicken. I'm looking after her. 

She came to my last job and the park like normal. 

Oh yeah, I scored 41% in my Uni assignment which sucks but we knew it was coming. I will do better. 

That will do. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

Two people unfriended me on the FB. I got massively triggered but I got to talk with my Auntie A on the messenger. She says losing friends when you're depressed is like evacuating your bowels. You are getting rid of all the bad stuff. I'm super glad she was available to chat. I feel better. 

I did cry and that but like I say, I'm over it now. 

D x