[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Cheers Stace. You're a gem.

Saturday

Hubby got me up mega early to watch the Rugby. I very nearly went back to sleep cos I was in a real deep sleep when he woke me but I didn't. I got up and watched us lose to South Africa. Marvellous waste of a morning. I was having a pretty sweet dream and gave up on it to watch a sport I don't particularly like these days. Oh well! 

People on FB were posting their fry up pictures after going to the pub. I think it's gross drinking for breakfast but these fry-ups looked so nice I wanted one so I went to Aldi and got some stuff and made us a nice fry up for lunch. 

Then me and Hubby bathed the dog in some flea shampoo. The spot-on treatment we usually use hasn't worked so I got this special super strong stuff. I put on my new tankini that I bought for Whitby and never used cos it was too cold. I got in with her and gave her a good scrub. Definitely done the job. Dog smells nice and no sign of any pests on her. 

Hubby found a stream for me to watch my team play an away game. That was cool. I loved it. I told him if they won I would drive him to the pub for a pint. I swear down, he cheered louder than me when they scored. 

I took him to the pub. He got to spend some time with his guy pals and was happy. 

I watched a movie. The Fugitive with Harrison Ford. Great film. The bit where he's at the top of the dam and says I did not kill my wife and the cop goes I don't care. I feel that. He's on his own. 

I went to bed. I got a bit of sleep but woke after midnight sometime. I made me wanna gamble with my badness. 

I browsed for a bit but couldn't get through my blocks and that just wound me up even more. I went back to bed. 

Sunday. 

Had a lie-in. Thank the lord! 

Anyway so I took my bad mood to my cleaning jobs with me (I had to do Friday's today cos I had that tutorial on Friday night). I listened to some angry rap music and it was really cathartic. Like all the swearing and chatting about the man dem etc made me feel a sense of release. I did both my jobs to a really good high standard. It is for the best cos the cleaner they are, the easier my week will be. 

I made another fry up for tea tonight cos I had stuff left over. The dog actually begged for some. I gave her 3 sausages and some dog food and she ate the lot. This is a really good sign. I don't know if it was worming her again or using the flea shampoo but she seems more like her old self. Shame the fireworks are upsetting her but all I can do is be here and offer the hugs. 

Drama. 

Moderation feels like a punishment for not answering my emails. Very strange experience. 

Hi drama, read your post earlier about emailing admin but not tonight, can't see it now, maybe it's been deleted or something. You asked if I'd seen your previous posts etc, no I hadn't, so not quite sure why your on moderation last post I seen of yours was you saying bye x

What evers happened try not let it get to you. I know moderation makes you feel like a small child being punished (sometimes for no reason), sometimes it's needed and sometimes its unneeded but what ever you did, don't do it again and you'll come off moderation, like I said I don't know what youve done but being on moderation does give you time to calm down when your thinking of writing something thataybe shouldn't be wrote. 

Anyway, as in reply to your post asking to swap email addresses, I'm happy to swap email addresses. 

Anyway speak soon, hope you have a nice weekend 

Stace x

Keep  going... Keep going.. Keep posting 

Wow DramaLlama. How has my hero ended up in "Moderation"? Whatever is the world coming to!!!!!

I was pleased to read that your dog is feeling better and all is well in the DramaLlama household.

Thankyou for posting on my diary a couple of days ago. 

Stephen x 

Just popped by your diary to say hello and send you my best wishes. 

I hope your dog is ok tonight with all the bangs from the fireworks.

Don't work too hard. Make sure you keep up with your studies and keep smiling.

Stephen x 

I'm sorry for not updating my diary but I don't feel like I belong here anymore. 

Being on moderation to me feels like I'm not trusted. If I'm not trusted, how can I be an active member of a community where the whole point is trust and honesty? 

I don't swear and cuss. I always tell the truth. I am very hurt by the moderation thing. 

It's interesting to me that other people want the moderation. It's what made me want to post. Like maybe it's not all bad and I'm just not seeing the bigger picture. I dunno. I hope you are all well. 

I look forward to seeing how many of my words you get to actually read. 

D. 

Hello Drama. Hope you are having a good day.

I cannot for the life of me understand why your posts have been restricted in any way. You are always polite, courteous and your diary is always a joy to read.

I do hope you will continue to write in your diary for you are valued, loved and well respected by myself and I am sure many others.

Stephen x 

Hi drama,

Not sure why you think you're on moderation...well, at least you don't show on it. (Im moderation prisoner here and been on it for so long i almost forgot when i had free posting experience so deffo know when person is placed on moderation). 

Your posts may get edited sometimes (depending on the content) and if someone flags it as abusive (not sure who wpuld do that as i dont read anything offensive on your thread)  but it is usually followed by the email from admin explaining why.

I am sure you can post whenever you want and are not restricted...so just breathe ?. Posts does appear straight after posting them? If you were on moderation, they wouldn't show for a while...hope i explained myself well here.

Amazing to hear doggie is on the mend..truly music to my ears! My Bella eats non stop so hopefully a sign that all is in order..bless her little paws! I was looking at her teddy bear today. A bit destroyed but still intact. She had it for over 3 years and its the only toy she didn't shred at first opportunity. Thought about our chat earlier regarding crafts and so on...so maybe a challenge for me to sew that "smile" back on the teddy again..(nose is a bit chewed off)...and give it a wash lol

Anyway, just surfing and passing by with best wishes and WELL DONE on your progress in recovery.

Saty safe

S&B xx

Thank-you for your post. I know why I was on it. I don't care to share cos it will only get deleted. 

Essentially talking about things that might affect another persons recovery. I get it and I am calm about it now but I feel like things I've shared don't make sense anymore. 

I am also very happy my dog is eating again. I believe we are over the hump so to speak. She's still being a bit weird with food but she is eating regularly and that's all I care about. 

I appreciate your support and I loved the bit about just breathe. Reminded me of Debbie's advice (my GC counsellor). I take everything so personally. This thread no longer feels like a perfect reflection of my journey. I like everything to be perfect. It feels ruined, dirty and spoiled. I don't reckon admin will ever understand that. They aren't sick in the head like me. 

Drama. 

I went on the Helpline tonight. I don't wanna share details except that I was 100% gonna gamble tonight. I felt really alone and bad in myself and my recent behaviour and this lady was so nice. She talked with me for a spell and helped me through it. I feel like I don't deserve this support but I also am sooo sooo grateful for it. 

I am gamble free. Moff to bed now. I can't stop crying. Maybe it's a release. I dunno. 

Drama 

x

I got a phone call from my counselor lady today. I panicked for some reason and swiped the call away and let it go to voicemail. This is so strange like she's the nicest lady ever. No reason to be scared but that's deffo how I felt. 

Anyway, so she left a VM and I texted and we've arranged an appointment for next Wednesday afternoon. 

I wonder why I got so anxious? I think it's prolly embarrassment. Oh and I emailed the admin to swap emails with another member so I have someone to chat to. I reckon it'll be a good thing. 

Um, that's all for now. 

Drama. 

I worked from home today. I wasn't sposed to but I didn't feel like driving to the office with all the rain. The heaters in my car have stopped working. It means the windows mist up and I can't see when I'm driving so all in all, I made the right choice. 

I still wasn't as productive as I would like. I only managed two reviews. Still two more than I've done the last few days. 

I mentioned earlier about the counselor ringing but that set me off on an anxiety trip for the afternoon. Like I was proper shaking and found it hard to calm down. It's not like I was having bad thoughts or ought. I guess it was just I was in work mode and it's very technical stuff so it keeps my brain busy and then this call brought me into night time mode where I worry and stress and that. It was like flipping a switch. 

I went to Church and then the Shops for some food. I am sick of eating rubbish food out of a can so wanted to get summat decent. I found a kitten under a car crying for help. It was wet through. Like a drowned rat! I got a cloth out of the back of my car (all my cleaning stuff is in there) and I dried it off. 

I couldn't put it in the car because the dog would've ate it but I thought when I come out, I'll put it in my jacket and take it home and call the RSPCA or summat. Poor little thing. I wonder if it hadn't run away cos of fireworks or summat. Anyway, when I got out of the shop, a little old lady had also found it. We chatted for a spell and I gave her another dry cloth to wrap it in and she took it home. It's now with a local vets. She posted on FB about it and I messaged her to say she's very kind. She says I am too. 

I made Hubby and the dog some Cottage Pie. They loved it. I didn't eat any because I have zero appetite. 

I went on a couple of recovery chats tonight whilst I was at work and it was good to connect with people like me that are dealing with gambling urges and the consequences of our actions. I find it really helpful. 

I went to the park after work with the dog and now I am home from work and I'm having a beer. I lied and told Hubby I had eaten at work cos he'd be cross about me drinking on an empty stomach which is fair but I don't want the earache. 

Gonna have a couple of beers (or 4) and go to bed. 

Drama

xoxoxox

Oh yeah! I did laugh at myself but when I finished my last cleaning job I realised I hadn't wiped the glass by reception. I always have a cloth hanging off my belt so I went over in the dark with just the hallway light guiding my way and breathed on the glass. As I was wiping it down, I thought to myself if this was a horror movie this would be the part where the ghost would breathe on my neck! o*g nowt like scaring the pants off yourself when you're alone in a big old dark scary empty place. 

Haha. That is all. 

Drama. x

That would make a good title for a story:

"Spooking DramaLlama Through The Misted Glass"

Chapter 1.

With shivers running up and down her spine the canny calmer drama llama looked up towards the stairs and there standing in the shadows was a !!!!!!! Her scream pierced the stillness of the night and ........ The nightwatchman said "Are you ok DramaLlama?"