[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Got a special offer email from a casino and the offer code was "CREDITCARD". They have no shame. I deleted. I need to start unsubscribing instead of deleting. I am sick of this. Credit Card. For heavens sakes. Ugh! 

Thank you for popping onto my dairy drama, that was really lovely ?

Well done drama xx

Just have to say your head is full of wisdom and your heart is full of gold

Day in the dark. 

I've had a low mood today.

You know that scene in the new star trek movie where they're trying to escape from the black-hole and Scottie is like saying, I'm giving it all she's got captain etc?! Well, that's kind of how it feels to get away from casino's. Like they call with their mad offers and email and text and there's no limit on when they will do it. Like I wasn't bothered when I was gambling. You know you'd lose and then they call within minutes and offer you a massive deposit bonus. Well, I wish you could unsubscribe from all of them. I was chatting wi' someone on the helpline last night and she suggested setting up a new email. I love my email address, it's cool but it's not worth all the noise that comes with it so I'm gonna set up a new one. Also, reckon I'm gonna change my number. I'm not even attached to that cos it's a sucky number anyways. 

I am tired today. I got to work about 9.30. I found that K and D who sit near me have had all the strip lights above our desks removed because they were too bright for them. The property management people have raised my new desk whilst I wasn't there so it's massively too high to be comfortable. I had to book a new job to get it lowered. The lass is like they'll call you before they come but I know that ain't true. It's annoying that my department is gonna get billed twice for a job that should've been done right first time. I told my boss but he doesn't care about the extra charge he says. He just wants my desk to be sorted. So that's alright then. 

I shall get a desk lamp over the weekend for my desk to solve the other problem. However, today I couldn't do ought about it so I'm sat facing the aisle where it's all lit up in a dark spot staring at two bright screens. It's ruined my eyes today. 

Boss has offered us Overtime. Double pay Saturdays and time and a half mid-week. I'm gonna cane that! I asked if there was a limit on hours. He says so long as we stick within working time regulations. *GULP* Yes boss. Haha! 

I've got a face to face tutorial with my tutor in a City a short train ride away on Saturday 10-3. I'm gonna miss Football which is a shame but Uni is more important. I will do some OT on Sunday but just put the hours in my Saturday diary cos it's meant to be done between 7 and 2 on Saturday. So long as the work is done noone will know. 

I am visiting my Auntie A on Sunday too at some point. Dunno when. Maybe being super busy at the weekend as well as during the week will help with the not gambling. 

I know I need rest time but I need to get the bank into the black and a nice payday before Christmas will be wonderful. Especially as I'll get cleaning pay the same day so I reckon then I'll be able to knock all the extra stuff on the head and just do the 3 jobs like normal. January will be much calmer if I can achieve that. It'll be worth all the effort. 

Thanks for all your support and that. 

Drama. x

Hey Drams,

Sounds like an awful day. Im wishing bad things for K and D. 

Never watched Star Trek. Incidentally, I’ve never watched Star Wars. My friends think I’m a weirdo for having never watched Star Wars but hey ho.

Forget the casino. Its fake fun. I convinced and fooled myself for years that the casino is the most exciting place on earth. Its an illusion. Its a place full of desperate dreamers. I could walk the most dangerous streets in the roughest estates in the roughest cities and be safer than being on my own in a casino with a bank card and a credit card. The casino for me is a place where I am capable of doing horrendous harm to myself. It may once have been a place of excitement and fun but I ruined that. Id get in less trouble sharing a bath with a killer whale.

Anyways, today was rubbish. Tomorrow might just be the greatest day of your life. Chin up. 

P.S. Put a word in for me with your boss. I’m free on Saturdays and Sundays.

RR

I really wanna chat the Helpline and tell them how I'm feeling but I feel like I cannot face the follow up stuff they do when I do that. It's a bit intense tbh. I'm just saying this for diary purposes cos I dunno it's healthy or not to feel this way. I don't need any response. Thanks. 

I will think on this tommoz and decide if it's better to chat or not. 

Laters. x

Hi Drama

sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day. Hope tomorrow is a better one. I know the feeling about wanting to chat to someone but then not sure about the follow up, I have left it for that reason. It’s ironic as I feel like I want to talk to someone, yet also want to be left alone and not answer 100 questions. Sometimes think the gambling has completely screwed up my brain. 

I hope the overtime helps and means you can cut down on work a bit. It sounds like you need a bit of ‘me’ time although I know keeping busy also means less thoughts. 

Anyway, I hope you get a good nights sleep and feel a bit better tomorrow. I’m in the corner cheering you on. 

Bex x

Bex, thanks for dropping me a line when I was feeling low. It means alot. x

Anxiety Sucks. 

Hubby got me up at 7.30. I have felt anxious right from the word go. Like it feels my heart is living in my stomach and pumping jam instead of blood around my body. I've been shaky and not good. 

I worked through till 3.30 when I had to go to that cleaning job I've picked up since that lad got sacked. I had to meet a woman that my boss has employed to take his place. He asked me to spend 20 mins showing her around today and spend and hour cleaning with her next week (cos he still only has to pay 2 hours). 

I don't want to be mean but she speaks english as a second language and struggles with it. She has mobility problems. She can't lift a bucket of water or a hoover. This is not her problem. This man should never have put her in the position where she's being invited to do this job. However, my cleaning boss is taking the absolute mickey. I am not helping this lass next week and only getting £6.50 for it (after tax). Hard no! 

I am gonna text him and tell him I have a meeting in a city some ways away. I am not gonna say I have concerns about this poor ladies ability to do the job. I don't own this problem. He is a bad man. 

I left work after doing 1 hour 40 cleaning. I had to work super hard and super fast to get it all done in that time.

Oooo nearly forgot. I went in the admin office at this place and someone dismissed me cos they were talking about sensitive information. I took offence at that. Really hurt me alot. I mean people in positions of great trust share information with me regularly with me. They have me help them with their legal issues. They have me help them write letters but this young admin lass is like cleaning lady, you can't be here right now. It ticked me off royally. It dented my pride. I did not clean their room. I will never clean there again. I know for a fact the lady employed to do the job will not last a week so it's all good. They can deal with their problems if I'm not to be trusted. 

I went to the pub after that. I was angry mad and wanted a beer. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired so felt like getting wellied so I have. 

I went on chat tonight and even though I said I'd keep quiet cos I'm squiffy, I did not. I love seeing my recovery ladies. You are the bestest! 

Oh and I got my thingy. You know that time of the month so maybe that's why I had the anxiety. I dunno. I don't care anymore. 

I feel like I'm going through growing pains. I am reminded of being hormonal as a teen and not understanding it at all. Just being bad and horrid and then a week later you are fine. Maybe, just maybe, I was a caterpillar who gambled and now, I'm in this thingy that I can't remember the name of and I'm growing into a butterfly who doesn't gamble. You don't know, it just might be. 

Love you all. 

I am glad I am not dead. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

It is so great to have you around x

One more thing....whilst I am here. Debbie says if no-one else is gonna be my "nurturing parent" then I should be my own nurturing parent but the thing is I don't know what it means to have a nurturing parent. When I think of being kind to myself it hurts alot that no-one else wants to do that for me. It hurts really bad. Then I think f#it and just do what I feel like doing.

Lady Luck by Jamie Woon. That is my tune. 

Make that the tune of your past Drama. Not the lyrics for a butterfly x

That is true. Thank you. I was dwelling. 

Feel free to hit me up with a new tune. x