[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Stace, I am sorry to hear about what you experienced. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me. I just feel super close to you at this time cos we have a lot in common. You are a good egg. x

Day After Yesterday. 

The less said about what I got up to and felt like doing last night the better. Needless to say I got wellied and made a show of myself. 

I woke up at 7am absolutely hank marvin! I got up and made two bacon butties and took them back to bed. Hubby woke up and is like what you doing. Eating a bacon sandwich pal. I anticipated you would wake and made you one too. He ate it. I went back to sleep. 

Hubby took my phone off me last night at my request. I woke to my Smartwatch buzzing cos the gambling helpline was calling. I went to get the phone from the loft but it rang off before I got up there. 

I called them back and a woman was short with me when I tried to explain I was returning their call so I said I was okay and just tell whoever needs to know, I said I'm off back to bed and hung up. 

Someone called me back shortly after. She was lovely. Really personable. We chatted about my carry on last night. Things that scare me. Maybe thinking about Trauma Counselling which I dunno if that would help but I said I would consider it and I really meant it. I turned it down at the time cos I was a moody kid. I also turned down the compo I got offered because I was insulted with being offered money for a bad thing that happened. Like money doesn't fix ought. I tell ya, I'd take it now. All pride has gone! Anyways so we had a lovely chat. 

I got a VM from my Dad. I called them and got my big brother. He was looking after my Mum whilst my Dad did the food shop. I'm a little snotty so I just said I was poorly and he said you don't sound so well kiddo, get back to bed. I cannot begin to explain how much anxiety lifted when I realised I'd got out of spending the afternoon with my Mum. I just had this feeling of euphoria. Like YES! Win! 

I knew I couldn't go to work early cos I couldn't possibly be safe to drive so I decided I was gonna chill on the couch and play with some toys. I got out my poetry kit and tried to make up a rude poem to share with my Godmum. We do that. It's funny. I also got out my microscope and looked at some stuff. I was very happy. 

Hubby got up super late. He was fixed on being in a bad mood with me. Totally deserved but today is a new day and I was having none of it. I was having too much fun and it rubbed off on him so he wound his neck in and joined in. He says he loves that I am me. Funny old compliment but he says like playing with my toys at that and I just don't care. I do what I was to do when I feel like doing it and he thinks that's ace. I'll take it 🙂 

I went on chat at 1pm and spoke about my morning. This lassie on there loves doing stuff that she considers not girly but hasn't been doing them cos of it not being girly. She said I inspired her to do stuff she likes doing. I love that. Go girl! You can do whatever you want to. (Except gambling cos it sucks). 

I was gonna have a bath but blobbed that idea and went to work around 3. I hoovered my car! Bowt time too. It was minging. 

I dropped off the keys for that extra job I did last week at my friends house. On the way back to work the dog frightened the life out of a little old lady in a Hijab barking at her. They scare her for some reason but that's not the ladies fault. I punished the dog. I made her sit and then lay down and shouted at her. I apologised profusely to the little old couple and their son and said it was entirely my fault for not having her on a lead. They accepted my apology and for that I am very grateful. 

I went to the shops and got some food. 

I come home, had a sausage roll and went to job no. 2. 

I've been emailing with Stace today. I do hope her little'un gets well soon. 

Um, made Hubby and the dog some food and went on chat tonight too. 

I just wanna say cos I think it's important but we don't choose to drag up Trauma. It just happens. Like I didn't choose to experience bad things. It just happened. It's not my fault. I can't just park the feelings in a locked safe and leave them there. That would be ace. 

Gonna watch a drama on the Beeb and then go to bed. 

Drama. 

Hey Drama, ordered some hardware to start building a computer. Thank you For inspiring me ☺️

Posted by: Murlo

Hey Drama, ordered some hardware to start building a computer. Thank you For inspiring me ☺️

This is bloody brilliant! Great to hear! 

Bless you Murlo. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

It was good to hear you are feeling easier today drama in chat.. Take care xx

Hi Drama

Just thought I’d pop by and say thank you for your posts, everyday, I come to this site when I’m in bed and there are always two diaries I go out of my way to read. Yours and Staces. Not sure why I’m always drawn to both of yours but I think  it’s because I relate to the content in your diaries more than most. 

Interesting reading both your comments in the past few days, it seems we have more in common then I initially thought. I wonder if it is the root to the gambling, I’ve never really been able to figure it out. 

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the welcome in chat. And keep posting, you’re my bedtime reading lol!

Have a good nights sleep. 

Bex

Posted by: Lonelysoul

Hi Drama

Just thought I’d pop by and say thank you for your posts, everyday, I come to this site when I’m in bed and there are always two diaries I go out of my way to read. Yours and Staces. Not sure why I’m always drawn to both of yours but I think  it’s because I relate to the content in your diaries more than most. 

Interesting reading both your comments in the past few days, it seems we have more in common then I initially thought. I wonder if it is the root to the gambling, I’ve never really been able to figure it out. 

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the welcome in chat. And keep posting, you’re my bedtime reading lol!

Have a good nights sleep. 

Bex

I know for sure it's the root cause to my gambling. I know when I am just mindlessly playing games online I am not thinking about ought bad. 

I am kinda glad you feel like me you and Stace are kindred spirits cos there is hope with feeling like you are not alone in your troubles. I also feel very sad that you have to be a part of this club we are in. It's an expensive membership fee. 

You wanna offload anytime just do so. I won't judge. I can promise that. 

Sweet dreams angel. 

Drama

xoxoxo

Thanks Drama, you do make me lol even in my depths of despair on how you portray things. The line about “it’s an expensive membership fee” made me chuckle. You really have a way with words. 

Bex

Tell me why I don't like Mondays?

I WFH today. I had Doc's and the Nurse this morning. The Doctor was not happy with my drinking and wanted to refer me to some local alcohol counselling place. Like, yes I've abused alcohol but it's not the same as being addicted to it. It's deffo a choice. Same as cigarettes, I choose to smoke when I am unhappy but can easily do without when I'm alright. Not like the gambling. He asked why I didn't wanna go and I said I've got enough on with everything else, I don't want that! It was just a hard no and he didn't press the point. We talked about my low points in my mental health and whilst it was compounded by the not having any meds, it has been bad at other times so he says he wants to see me in 4 weeks instead of 8 weeks. He said he'd put a note on my record so the receptionist will understand that I have to have the appointment and they don't fight me and just book me a regular slot in like two months. I feel like I'm a failure at recovery cos I'm doing it all wrong and just upsetting folks. 

I went to see the Nurse and left Hubby with the Doctor for his COPD check-up. (BTW that is the first time I've let Hubby come with me for a mental health check-up). I hope he's okay with what he heard me talking about but I'm past caring about him knowing how low my thoughts get. 

The Nurse wouldn't give me the flu jab cos I have a snotty nose. What with my immune problems and Rheumatoid Arthritis and that, she thought the flu jab at this time would wipe me out. 

Hubby couldn't have his flu jab cos he's got a chest infection and they've give him steroids and antibiotics for a week. 

I told my boss about my appointment updates. We chatted briefly about work and we're gonna catch up on Wednesday. 

I got my pills from the chemist and took them and I've had nausea and diarrhea all day since. Been like the Queen sat on't throne all day. 

Glad I was home. 

I've been in chat a couple times but not really felt super chatty. 

I got through 3 file reviews at work. 

I did two cleaning jobs tonight. They were mostly clean from yesterday cos I put a top effort in so well done me from yesterday for putting a shift in cos I don't reckon I'd have managed a big clean tonight. 

Tomorrow is another day. I hope my symptoms calm down and I feel better cos I feel cruddy. 

Oh! I got an order from the catalogue. I ordered it on Saturday as a cheer myself up type thing. I got a LBD that goes to my knees and has long sleeves. It's kinda ribbed huggy* material and has a silver zip from the neckline to just above the chest. I got some knee high socks. One black pair and one red and a black Adidas cap with the white stitched logo. I am happy with my stuff. I gave Hubby a fashion show with the dress and the black socks. He's happy with my stuff too! 

I also ordered Hubby some aftershave for a birthday present but it never turned up. He has horrid luck when it comes to getting stuff by parcel. There's always summat wrong even if I order it for him. Oh well, still time to sort that before his birthday. 

That is all for today. 

D. x

I am angry. 

Awww, P**P. It's uncomfortable being angry. Ouch!

Good on ya for owning it. Sometimes feels taboo for women, that. We can feel we're supposed to be agreeable and sweet. Flook that! Normal emotion.

Thanks for the heads up about Lorraine Kelly, how funny. Watched it and thought "well done for saying what we're all thinking!" Hadn't actually seen that woman interviewed yet - what a narcissist! Ugh, rank. 

Aw drama.. Your diaries are amazing.. They make me smile even though I know the deep tenderness and hurt you write them with. 

I hope today is good to you and you manage to get your jobs done and find some time for you. Even if its to sit and have a well earned brew. If its as cold where you are then stay toasty and hope to hear from you in chat tonight. 

Morning Drama.

Sorry to read that you are angry. Maybe you have too much free time and I was wondering if an early morning paper round would help you...... Ouch .... Well it was only an idea!!!!! lol

Hope you are having a fun filled super duper Tuesday.

Stephen x 

Happy day 50! Keep moving forward

S&B xx

just popping in to say hi and I hope all goes well with your presentation tomorrow x

Thank-you to everyone who stopped by my diary for a visit and words of encouragement. It's nice to come home to! 

My Day. 

I WFH cos of my counselor visit today and well, tummy still a bit funky although the nausea has subsided so that's good. 

I logged onto work early enough and saw an email from a Tech Consultant reminding the team that we have buzz sessions tommorow to introduce ourselves to the department. I knew this was coming cos she mentionned it a month ago. Now, at that time I excused myself from the task cos I thought like I was doing alot of the reporting and meetings and presentations and stuff. I said it was time for someone else to shine. 

Thing is, everybody else in the team was replying with anecdotal evidence of things they've seen and not really understanding how these things work. If I was in the office, I could've coached someone through it but I was home so it's tough. I created a slide show on Powerpoint with some visuals. Meet the team, cycles of improvement process and file review analysis. Then I emailed it to my boss and said I'll run some Top Issues - Pivot tables in the morning so that I can voice the actual root cause problems we are seeing initially and give some context. 

I did say that I want a wingman and I'm not going in on my own. that is non-negotiable. I know I get anxious presenting to large groups of people and that just the company of a wingman helps me get over that. I'm happy to do the talking as long as I have that. My boss says he'll be my wingman. This is good. Gonna have to get up early and make myself look office smart. I do that. We've talked about this. 

I emailed with Stacey and said some prayers for her, her family and for her Nan. I hope if it is her Nan's time that her passing is peaceful and she feels all the love and affection that her family have for her. 

I went on chat for a bit at lunchtime. That was nice and one of the best parts about WFH. That I can connect with my recovery pals. 

I ate half a slice of toast for dinner. 

I had a dial-in with my team mates at 2. I sent them the slide show and asked if they had ought to add, could they email me. They didn't. I blobbed the second part of the call because I had to go see Debbie. I found out two colleagues from up North are coming to see us next week so I'm gonna try get the night off cleaning to go out for dinner with them one night. I would like that. 

I put on my pink Ellesse sweater dress, pinky red socks and white high-tops. I paired this with my white Gap puffer and a grey scarf and grey baseball cap. This outfit was cute! 

I went to the click and collect shop and picked up Hubby's birthday present. Got wolf whistled and stuff from lot's of guys in the traffic on that street. Haha, yes boys, I look cute. I just pretended like I didn't notice them though cos what you gonna do back....curtsy? 

I went to see my Debbie. Very apprehensive. I filled in these tick box questionnaire things. Do not like doing that part. Gives me high-anxiety cos I know that where I say I'm at is what we have to talk about and I've already had lectures off the Doctor so I dunno, I just expected more of the same. Couldn't have been more wrong really. We chatted about the indepth stuff from my weekend so she had context for my mental problems and then she did this drawing of a thing. It's summat like ego state therapy or summat and then she was talking about how you talk to people and how they receive those messages. Like you can say stuff and people don't hear what you say so much as feel the way they feel about what you said. It was really interesting and we talked about my progress with Hubby cos I'm already doing some of this stuff. I just need to be mindful with like my parents cos I get massively triggered by them. She also suggested I might wanna see if my brothers will still be my friend if I don't see my parents because it's something that I believe but may not even be true. 

I told Debbie that I plan to keep a food diary. That way, I can track what I eat and drink and give it to the Doctor in 4 weeks time. If it's just booze, I know I won't do it cos it will tick me off but if it's both, I'll just feel like I'm doing it for calorie counting. More chance of me doing it and him seeing the balance of everything. Debbie thought that was a great idea and she told me again how easy it is to get addicted to booze even though I believe I'm alright. 

I came home to no emails or ought and no real time to do any reviews so I just logged off work. I intend to go in early tommoz so it's all good. 

I went to cleaning job no. 1 and the guy that is in charge there was super nice to me (suspect this has alot to do with my pretty dress). He listened when I talked about stock issues and drove straight to the shops to get me what I needed cos my notes in the day book are being ignored. I was grateful that he listened and that my dress is hot! 

I went to cleaning job no. 2 and me and the manager there had a great chinwag. I look forward to Tuesday night chats with her. She offloads all her customer complaints on me and I help her with drafting letters cos I'm good at that. We actually have a laugh. She trusts me with confidential information cos obvs I know about GDPR and the law. 

I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby. I met him at this village green in a place called K. I let the dog walk on the green and he walked down to see me from his house. It made me laugh when he said he didn't recognise me.....yes, I have legs sweetie! He told me off for being out in the cold and I said that I've just been cleaning for 3.5 hours, I'm roasting! He laughed and said fair do's. We chatted about stuff, hugged, the dog did a poo and I left. 

Oh....regarding last night. I am really very proud that I got angry, posted for memories sake (cos that's what my diary is for) but didn't share my badness. I felt really mature this morning when I woke up not feeling angry and hadn't upset anybody. 

Um, that is all. 

Thank you for being here. Shout out to Bex. If you're reading this tucked up in bed, sweet dreams angel. 

Drama

xoxoxox