[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Football season starts today. All my friends are posting their first bets of the season and I'm just not. 

I know it's for the best but I do feel left out. I never went mad on football bets just the silly online games. 

That is all. 

Hi Drama Llama

i just wanted to say thank you for your comment on my post last night - really needed those supportive comments from you and holycrosser so thank you for taking the time. 

I have just read through all of your diary and wanted to say well done on your hard work so far. It sounds like you are working so hard to get yourself straight but just remember,be kind to yourself and treat yourself when you can, even if it’s a tiny treat. Yes, we have all screwed up big time and we shouldn’t forget that but I do sometimes think we can be hard on ourselves and feel like we should be punished for our past actions. Maybe this isn’t the case with you but some of your posts make me think that. 

Congratulations on the new job and passing your year 1 exams!

That is something to really be proud of, especially with everything else you have been dealing with. 

Bex

Bex. I really feel seen right now. So seen. It's unreal. I feel comfortable with being punished. Like, that's almost my comfortable zone. When I'm fixing what I did wrong that is almost as normal as being wrong in the first place. When I am not being wrong or fixing what I did wrong. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm proper crying. I don't know what else to say. 

Hi Drama Llama

I’m sorry if anything in my post upset you, that wasn’t my intention. Just reading between the lines, I think we’re very similar in being so hard on ourselves but I think in some way that’s where I have been going wrong. I have started to think I do it to punish myself as well as escape. I have always tried to please everyone around me since being a child and always neglected my own well-being as part of it. For the past year, I have been trying to compensate so much for my past gambling mistakes, particularly where my daughter is concerned, doing whatever I can to make her happy, by doing things and commiting to things financially that have put me under a big strain but forgetting about myself. I think I have finally started to realise that I need to accept my past mistakes as just that, past mistakes. Should I still keep punishing myself for the next five or ten years or should I start trying to forgive myself for them and also consider my own well being. That is maybe where the true recovery starts. X

Don't be daft! Nowt to apologise for. I'm just a hormonal mess this week. I cried at a FB video this morning. I had a word with myself. Spent the afternoon up the park with the dog catching Pokemon. She's happy. 

Just had a bite to eat and wondering what to do with my evening. 

I have loads of work to do but given I've only a week left in the job and the fact my bosses boss is a rude bully, I really don't feel any motivation to do any of it. Might have a Call of Duty sesh. 

Awww I think every now and then we all have times where everything is overwhelming and almost anything makes you emotional. I hope you are feeling a bit better soon. Sometimes it’s better to get it out then hold it in. A good cry can often help to get emotions out. 

Try not to work too hard x

I did some work. Told myself I shouldn't cos I ain't getting paid for it but that snarky email from some lad on Friday afternoon moaning that someone hadn't done their allocation of a particular task that got to me. I planned to do mine on Tuesday but ended up having that row with my bosses boss and having allsorts of meetings with hr and my new boss and stuff so it's not like I didn't have a ready made excuse. Anyway, I've done it so I should just let it go. I'm not good at letting go. 

I went to the park twice today. Excellent Pokemon times. It was only when it was dropping dark and I saw a rat run across in front of me that I thought this is not a smart time to be here and I came home. My dog is knackered. She is spark out on the rug now, f*****g and running in her sleep. 

I had a curry and some flatbread for tea. Was absolutely lush. Gosh I do celebrate having the food but I've not had it so much in the last 18 months so I'm super happy to be able to have what I want when I want it. 

Ooooo I showed my pal round my small cleaning job and he's gonna do it all week so I can look forward to being home for 9pm every night. That positively feels like part time hours compared to what I've been doing. 

Wahoo! 

G'nite all. 

xoxoxox

I wonder why you cannot say the f word that means to pass wind. It looks like I said my dog was doing the proper f word. Lol. 

Got woken up by my Cleaning Boss at 7.30 a.m. I was not happy. He said that I left the hot tap running in the cleaning cupboard all weekend and the water ran under the door and it was a mess. I said no, I did not. He's like that's what they've said. I said I've heard you but no, i didn't do that. I said I believe that they came in and found a tap running. I'm not calling them liars but I'm telling you that I did not leave it running. The cleaners cupboard (with said tap in it) is right next to the alarm panel. I did not stand there on Friday, no matter how tired I was, and set the alarm and leave and NOT hear a tap running. I'm telling you now it must be faulty. 

I got there this evening and played with the tap. It took two hands and all my brute strength to get this bloody thing to turn off. Clearly the washer has gone. I spoke to a lady in reception and she agreed and said they've called a plumber. Why are people so keen to blame other peoples incompetence rather than think a situation through. Like I stood in an empty building by myself and didn't hear it? It just doesn't ring true. I hate this minimum wage BS rubbish and coping with a boss that can't think outside the box. 

I worked tonight and listened to the first football game of the season for which I hold a season ticket but I had to listen to it on the radio doing a cleaning job that I didn't want or need and this guys giving me this rubbish. I cried alot. I should be there, not doing this. I put myself in this situation dealing with this person because of my actions and that makes me want to punch myself in the face really hard.  

I am an idiot. 

We lost but I'd much rather be at the game eating a pie, drinking a pint and having a good old whinge about that than a bloody tap that I 100% did not leave running. 

I hate my life right now. 

I had a good day at work. Did some great investigation work. I completed 10 reviews. I spoke to the women in charge of that job and how volume completed doesn't always marry with the work involved per job. I don't talk too much about the detail cos it's top secret stuff but this women 100% knew where I was coming from and said it was noted that I was doing technically difficult stuff whereas others might choose the "quick hits" and she no problems with my work at all so that was nice. It's good to be appreciated for when you do a good job. 

I did that rubbish cleaning job this evening and I worked my backside off. I may hate them and think they suck but I won't lower my standards just because they suck. Place was spotless when I left. 

I went home and got the dog then went to get some fuel as I have to drive a long way to see that counsellor lady tommoz. Then I took the dog to the park. I was too tired to be bothered playing Pokemon so just exercised the dog till she was happy and then came home. I am working from home tommoz so at least I'll get a lie-in. Boy I'm ready for one. 

On the way home from the park, I went drove under a railway bridge and a train went over. Someone once told me that was lucky. Can't remember who but it made me laugh tonight cos that used to be a gambling trigger. I was always looking for lucky signs for times to gamble and planning my gambles for when the stars aligned and I was gonna have a big win. All looks totally mental looking back now with a few weeks clear of stinking thinking. I'm glad I can laugh at myself. It is silly. 

Gonna watch some telly and go to bed soon. I'm zonked. 

G'nite all. 

xoxoxoxo

Hi dramallama,

Maybe late welcome to GamCare but welcome anyway ?

I enjoy reading your diary. Something very down to earth draws me to it...and maybe a touch of MI5 stuff lol ...top secrets huh..good stuff indeed!

Seriously,..

You're doing very well. Considering how many hours you clock in the day i am truly surprised you stand on your two feet! I wonder if you allow yourself some rest...it's like summer holiday now, maybe booking at least few days off would be what your body & soul needs?

I smile reading you walking your dog. Pokemon huh..I heard of such activities of chasing them but also read too many horror stories of people jumping down the cliffs as a result of trying to cath them :-/.

My lil girl (not so little...6/5 years old) only managed 15mind free run time (she likes her food and slap my wrists..I give that food freely). ..but seeing that joy in them enjoying themselves  is truly amazing! So so powerful, gets me running alongside every time!

Wishing you all the best in your journey ahead. Stick to it...rewards are truly amazing and so worth hard work you put in.

Look after you -day at a time!

S&B xx

Thank-you for replying to my post S&B. It feels great to have a response. x

Today was another tally on the chart. I had a lie-in till 8.30 which felt lovely. I tried to log on to my computer from home but couldn't connect to works network so I had a quick shower and drove to the office. Spent a couple of hours with the I.T lady fixing it. Then I tried to do some work but E needed my help understanding a particular task we do that took ages to explain and then D needed my help explaining a different task. Then I had to leave at 2.30 to go see my counsellor. 

I enjoy my time with the counsellor lady. Doesn't matter what I say to her she just seems to understand how brains work and explains things really logically. I think everything is messed up, inside out and backwards and she just puts it all in perspective and she never looks at me like I'm a nutter. 

I have some breathing exercises and visualising stuff to do as homework this week. One of the things I have to visualise is when I go to football and see the gambling man that I normally buy tickets off but this time I won't be doing. I feel messed up about this like I'm his favourite person but maybe everyone who buys lots of tickets is his favourite. I dunno, this is something and nothing and I don't need to build it up to the point where I feel obliged to spend just to keep that feeling. It's way lower than what I did online but it's one of them things I have to get over cos it could be a trigger to go back to my old ways if I don't sort it. 

I like that I said old ways. It really feels like I'm a new me and facing reality, not running and gambling. 

I got back from the counsellor and hubby wanted to go to the pub. I didn't as I only had an hour till evening work but I suspected he wanted to use that as an excuse to talk about counselling and what I talk about in counselling and I was right. I talked somewhat about what me and the lady talk about and I could see him visibly relax. I think he's scared I'll get fixed and leave him. He drank two pints of strong stuff. 

I went to work and did my cleaning job. I got home at 9 and he'd left his key in the door on the inside so I couldn't get in. I knew it was prolly cos he was asleep after drinking with no food but the other side of my brain said he'd had a fall and was dead. It's taken an hour and forty minutes to get back in my own house. 

I have talked to him this week even about not leaving the key in the door. It's ridiculous that I can't get in my own house. Hubby is upset cos he feels he ruined the evening but good, cos he did. I could've had 3 hours on my precious sofa. Instead I've had stress and anxiety and anger. 

This is my reality but it's a darned sight better than burying my head in a gambling bubble. 

I believe things will get better. 

G'nite. xoxoxo

I have two targets to hit this week for two different managers (at the day job). We'll call them task a, and task b. 

Well, I'm getting emails this morning from folk in the team for task a saying one of the systems is down and they can't do the necessary. I'm like that system isn't even required for about 16 of the things on the list. I'm trying communicate my point but everyone is so super keen to get out of doing it that I end up just emailing saying leave me out of the replies, I'm just gonna do the 16 that I can see don't need that system. Now, here's the thing. I've already done the 20 that was my allocation but to avoid all the unnecessary time-wasting I just took on another 16. I did them and will I get any thanks for it? No! The manager for task b is gonna be like where's my 20 files? I can't even cope. I'm gonna end up working the weekend cos I hate missing a deadline. It's my last day in this job officially tommorow. I am a mug. 

The cleaning job was fine. It looks and smells alot better than when I started two week ago. The people are still snobby and annoying and I don't get so much as a hello even. Rude. 

I got home at 9 and hubby made me some beans and sausage on toast. Then me and the dog went up the park but it's getting really dark now and I was scared of a white van because I imagined it was full of rapists so I came home. 

Gonna watch some telly and go to bed. 

G'nite all. 

xoxoxoxo

Finished my last day in my day job today. Did not get a card or any presents. I did expect something. Maybe it's a measure of how likeable I am? I dunno. I was miffed. A colleague from my cleaning job asked me to do his 4-6 shift at a place. I said I can't as I'm busy till 5. My cleaning boss rang me on the way home. I answered before I thought about it. Then I hung up on him because I remembered I have a choice and I shouldn't be answering the phone when I'm driving anyway. Prolly be in trouble for that.

I came home and took Hubby to the pub. Left for the evening job and got there at 7.30pm. Someone had left a big note on the managers desk saying NO CLEANER FRIDAY NIGHT! big squiggle underneath. I just wrote a note underneath saying I was here 7.30 till 10.3o P.m. I had to work late at the day job. Sorry. (Not true). Prolly be in trouble for that too. 

I came home and Hubby tried to initiate some s**y time. No way pal. I am knackered. He's gone to bed in a huff. Honest to goodness, I've just finished a mucky cleaning job. I do not feel s**y. Leave off! 

Ugh what a day. 

G'nite all.

It was my baby brothers birthday yesterday. I didn't get him ought cos I'm still poor. It doesn't matter so much because he hates attention and thinks that celebrating birthdays is weird. We chatted briefly and I got to say Happy Birthday anyway so that's cool. 

It's my Nieces birthday (middle brothers daughter) today. She's 3. I haven't bought her ought yet but I will. I asked my Brother if they were about and he said no they had a busy day planned. I am off this week so I asked if I could call round one day. He said we will sort summat out. They just moved house so are still sorting stuff out. I got to see all her presents from the rest of the family on FB and I'm not sure I can compete with what they gave her. I'll just have to try my best and hopefully she'll like whatever I get. She's into very girly stuff and that's really not me at all so I'm out of my comfort zone shopping for her. 

I have watched football today and didn't get angry at the gambling adverts. So that's good. I blocked a few on social media, like sponsored adverts on my feed. The more I do it, the less I'll see and I guess if it gets me mad, I'll have to go for a walk like I did last week. Gotta get over this gambling thing and put recovery first always. 

Stayed in tonight. Felt a bit bored but maybe I'm just over-tired cos I have loads of activities I could do, I just can't frame myself. Got a nice paint by numbers kit that would be super chill to do but I can't be bothered to get the iron out to flatten the canvas. So lazy! 

Um anyway, that's today. 

G'nite all. 

xoxoxox