[Closed] My Last Bad Day

I spose a positive from all of the above is that if I'd spent the night up gambling. I wouldn't have cared to even try and help any of them and would just have let the chaos rain. 

I am pleased with this new positive stuff I am trying. It's really helping me. 

D. 

I read your posts everyday, they inspire me. I’m on 22 days into a my recovery after 25 years. You tell your story very well..... keep posting. You’re probably helping people and you don’t even know about it. 

Chris. ?

Chris, your smiley face has made me very happy. Congratulations on your 22 days. I am on Day 18 and I hope I never ever catch you up. 

Let's stay gamble free forever!!!

🙂 

Drama x

Morning drama, I hope you have woken up today proud of how you handled what seems like an almighty day yesterday.  I am proud of you. I hope today is kind to you ?

Debbie Day. 

My stars today said summat about D being an important letter. I guessed it was just cos I was seeing Debbie later. Yes, I'm still reading them but only in the fun way that I used to before I obsessed about looking for positive signs to gamble. I don't fixate on them anymore. 

I was WFH today. I had agreed with Hubby last night that he would wake me about 8.30a.m and he could put the calor gas heater on in the bedroom and I'd log in from bed. Thing is....he woke me at 7.45a.m and put the electric blanket on his side on. I knew he was fixing to go back to bed. He told me that he'd had a bad nights sleep and I'd been grinding my teeth and carrying on in my sleep. I daren't tell him that I had a dream about former President of the United States of America Barrack Obama took my virginity and that he was a horrible kisser and I didn't like the kissing part. I really did like the other parts though. Let's just let that be our little secret Gamcare folks cos I don't reckon Hubby could cope with my dream cheating on him. 

Anyways so I had to get up and cos of getting in from work late last night I just had zero energy in the tank. 

I have done nothing productive today. I have rested and enjoyed myself though. I will catch up even if I have to do it on the weekend. 

I went up the cashpoint this morning and stopped in at my favourite charity shop. I didn't buy ought but I enjoyed the browse. I got a sausage and fried onion and brown sauce butty which I shared with my dog. She has been my best mate ever since. 

I went to see Debbie this aft. I had no real Drama's to share with her which is unusual. I was calm and relaxed and I answered zero on the question sheet about gambling. That was cool. My emotional wellbeing sheet was pretty cool too. I have support. I feel valued. I am not panicky. Alsorts of good stuff. 

I told her about my ^>v game and my one positive, one gratitude thing. I explained my reasons for doing these things. Like I love this site. I know 100% I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't had all of you guys supporting me but it's hard work checking in sometimes. Newbies intro's are all soul destroying. You know the pain they are going through cos you've been there many times. You read the ups and downs of recovery diaries and celebrate peoples victories but they are all about overcoming gambling. So overall, everything is about gambling and it keeps your brain on it. I said that I wanna stay here and contribute but I wanna chat about other stuff too so my plan was to give us chance to do that and I feel like it's working. 

That's when she told me I am self-aware. I told her that I'd heard that on Gamcare Helpline before but I didn't understand it. I thought everyone was self-aware. It doesn't make sense. She's like some people are addicted but don't know they have a problem. If you don't know you have a problem then you can't begin to fix it so like the fact that I know things like I abuse alcohol when I am angry or upset means I can change that behaviour. It was a real eye-opener. I get it now. I am self-aware. I get it. I know the bad things I do and I do want to change them. 

We went through the application form for the gambling clinic and she made notes and stuff about things I said but she let me read them. I scored 8 on this scale thing which put me at the lower bracket of a problem gambler cos I've had 6 months of mostly doing pretty good. I'm happy with that. 

I kinda thought I wasn't doing so good after Christmas but when you look at the year as a whole it's not so bad. 

I am a problem gambler. I don't wish to gamble even for fun again. I am done with it. I know people have spells of bad times, get over it and can go back to normal but I don't wanna run the risk. I am just done. 

Oh, the D's. Debbie gimme a sheet which I neglected to bring home about the three D's. Summat like Delay, so if you get an urge delay acting on it by 10, 20, 30 minutes. Distract, go for a walk and Deliberate which is essentially doing a pro's and con's list of why to gamble and why not to gamble. I didn't bring the sheet home. I didn't forget it on purpose but I think maybe I'm not so invested in that technique since I have Boo's Pop Up technique. My brain is a super computer. If a gambling thought pops up, it can pop off again cos I don't have to think about it. 

So that ties in with the letter D thing from Septic Peg this morning I think. 

After counselling I took Hubby to the pub like normal. I fed him some pie first and after a pint he was super sleepy so I took him home. 

Then I went and did my two cleaning jobs in quick time cos I done them real well last night so there wasn't a massive lot to do. 

I stopped in chat briefly tonight. It was nice. 

That is all. 

Drama 

x

I got to work for 9.30a.m. I dumped my car in Sainsbury's and walked on to work as I didn't have any change to feed the meter in the council car park. I had a BLT w/cheese for brekkie. 

I had a very productive morning. Got two reviews done. Looked up and it was nearly 1 P.m. Great! I'd forgotten about my car. It's not the first time I've done this. Shall look forward to that £40 fine hitting my doormat in the next couple of weeks. 

I phoned Hubby and told him I'd made a boo boo. He's like can you stop making boo boo's. You're always working but we never have any money. I'm like....yes dear. 

I had a good afternoon and got two more reviews done. 

I worked OT tonight for a couple of hours to get that dosh for the fine. I won't get paid it till Feb but at least I'm in a roundabout way not really outta pocket. I will be working super late now though for my cleaning job. 

I got rid of a thing that was giving me a certain amount of anxiety related to gambling but I don't wanna go into details cos I find often people do that innocently but it can give other people ideas. So I'm doing that. Just documenting it for diary purposes. 

My cleaning boss called today to say that the manager at job no. 1 isn't happy with my cleaning of the doors and paper towel dispensers and she's constantly having to remind me. I'm like funny that, cos she's never said a word to me. I wipe them every night so it's just summat to say I reckon. She wants to bin off his services cos he charges too much so I reckon it's just noise to make her feel better when she does find someone cheaper. Then she can go back to sticky floors and mucky windows and just filth everywhere. My clean is super. 

I told him I'd sort it and leave a note in the book for her. I'm not helping with her work next Tuesday. She can bog off. 

I'm doing a couple more hours OT tommoz for that parking fine and then I can get rid of the guilt that I carry when I mess up. I do hold onto it and it makes me feel bad so soonest it's done then soonest I can forget about it. 

I had Chinese Chicken Curry and Egg Fried Rice for dinner. It was nice. 

Gonna have to think what I'm feeding Hubby tonight. 

Moff to work. 

Laters. 

D. 

Oh this will make you laugh! I signed up to be a health and wellbeing rep at work. 

It's not another thing to do on top of work, I will allowed to do it in work mode. I thought if I'm in charge of arranging events and information and stuff and people taking care of themselves and being well and that then just maybe I'll take better care of myself! 

God loves a trier! 

Really really....off to work! 

Drama. 

Hello lovely lady, I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words and to congratulate you on 3 weeks gamble free today ?

3 weeks gamble free. 

I WFH today. Hubby putting the heater on in the bedroom and woke me up with tea and my pills. I logged on from bed. Casual start....just what the Doctor ordered. 

I got double reviewed on one of my files and this lassie picked the bones out of it so I rejected her comments. She hasn't replied. It was a tough file and I worked on it for the best part of 3 days so I'm just not having it. I don't mind constructive feedback but it feels like what I got was just nit-picking. We'll see what comes of my rejection. It's gone for arbitration. I imagine I'll win. I usually do. 

I had a bath and put a clean tracksuit on. I went to my hair appointment for 1p.m. It was a real lovely little lass doing it. The shampoo and condition was the best bit. I felt really relaxed. Also, she was confident with the sectioning the hair and good comb and scissor skills but she didn't half rag my head about when she was blow drying and brushing it with a round brush. It really hurt. I have a high tolerance for pain so didn't say ought. She was scared of cutting my fringe. The lady teaching her made her do it though. I said I was perfectly happy for her to do it and not to worry. It's pretty long and I only wanted rid of the straggly bits so I knew she couldn't really mess it up. She was shaking though.

My hair is still super long (like half way down my back) and with a fringe but it looks healthy and shiny after the cut. I only had to pay a fiver for the cut cos it was a college kid but I gave her a fiver and told her to get a drink after work (or whatever). She seemed super grateful and for a brief moment I had a glimpse of the real value of money from the eyes of an innocent. Made me feel humble. 

My hair appointment didn't end till 3 cos she was slow. I phoned work and told my boss I wasn't dead. I was just late. Didn't want him panicking. I went to Sainsbury's for some bits and Greggs for snacks and met Hubby at the pub. We had far too many beers for me to be productive when I logged back onto work so I basically owe an afternoons work to the day job now. 

I went and did my big clean and left the smaller one for Sunday. I will do OT tommoz like normal and then do the same again Sunday just to make up for this afternoon. 

I am tired now. Gonna go get some sleep. 

Glad to see Murlo out and about again. 

I wish I could tell Boo how influential her pop-up idea has been in my recovery. I don't have to dwell on any thoughts. It's real good. Not sure I can put into words the difference a change of thoughts on the matter has been. 

Anyway, as Boo says N'nite and Bless. 

Drama

xoxoxox

Nite n bless.. Boo ?

I feel like I messed up. 

Hubby got me up early this morning with tea and toast and my pills. I spent the morning in bed. I logged onto work from bed and made up for yesterday afternoon. I feel better about that. For making up for not being a good employee and spending the afternoon getting my hair done and being in the pub. 

I went to Football for 3.10 P.m. I would've got there for 3 had it not been for all the charity shops I hit down Town. I found a real lovely bedspread in the Oxfam shop for £6 but couldn't possibly take that to the game. 

I enjoyed the Football. My team played well and 4 newbies got a turn on the pitch. They all did pretty well and it's good to see heart and desire on the pitch again. 

After Football, I was freezing and in pain but I made it to the Oxfram shop to get my bedspread and a green and white checked super dry shirt.....because why not?

I met Hubby at the Supermarket and we called in at the pub for a pint. 

This evening I was saying to Hubby about the only thing I miss from my phone is the torch. I miss it cos I use it when I'm doing my eyebrows. He's like, why don't you just use your Iphone torch?

My face must've said it all. I FORGOT I HAVE AN IPHONE! 

I then felt super duper guilty. 

I was swearing to God that I forgot and he went and got it from under some books on my bedside table. It's dusty, it's out of charge and he says he believes me but in my heart of hearts I worry that he doesn't. I have cried so much. I dunno if I'm crying cos I never thought of it or cos I'm sad that he thinks I was keeping a way open to gamble. Honest I don't. 

The truth of the matter is that I did forget about that phone that I had 13 months ago and I never thought of using it at all. 

I am just crazy sad now. Cos I've been happy for 3 weeks and this bump in the road has rocked me. 

I do not wish to gamble at all. I just wanna know for sure he believes me and I can't be sure now. 

He's been real nice since I cried and that. Can't fault him at all. 

Drama. 

((((Drama)))). I hope you feel more settled soon. It sounds to me as though your hubby absolutely believes you. The truth is that you are doing amazingly well. I am so proud of you x

If you aren't gambling. They don't care what you do. 

I chatted the Helpline. It sucked. 

george michael different corner