[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Hi Drama

just thought I’d pop by your diary and say hello as it’s been a while. Sorry you’re feeling rubbish and hope you feel better soon.

I have just caught up on your diary from where I left off before I disappeared for a bit. I’m going to go back to my night time reading of the diaries and yours will be top of the list. I love how you write your posts and although I know they are not there for entertainment, they keep me entertained ?

I just read the part you where you mentioned about having an autoimmune disease and always being ill - that makes two of us. Like you I use to have a lot of time off work whereas these days I just suck it up and push myself to go in and if I can, also wfh when I have the opportunity but some days really do suck and it’s a struggle to get out of bed, let alone be productive. 

You're doing brilliantly and have come so far over the months. I hope you get some much needed rest this weekend. 

Hugs. 

Bex

I just spent ages telling the Helpline person to look after Murlo. I love her so much. I am just not so sure I will be a good person for her to be friends with. 

I was totally honest with the Helpline person. I said that I crave positive attention and a mother figure so much. I get that from Murlo. I know 100% that she loves me but I am not so sure that I am a good influence on her recovery. I want to be her friend in real life so much but you have to protect her from me. Maybe I am not so good a recovery buddy as I would wish. 

I am sorry if this is a sad post but I just wanna be a good friend. That is all. 

Drama x

Aww drama.. This journey is all about emotions and finding comfort zones and closeness and harmony.. 

We enter gamcare as a stranger and before we know it we are stealing each others hearts. 

We have spent so much time in a world of deceit that when it comes to now making promises and wanting to be our best for someone we find that gambling has robbed us off that self belief. As gamblers we live in a world of loss which is monetary and time but emotional loss is another thing altogether.. We want to make and keep friends on here but that uncertainty about when it becomes tangible is a fragile one like the spell of it all will be broken. But give yourself time to reach that milestone of yours. Strength and self belief will increase day by day..

Sleep that nasty cold away.. Rest is what is needed for now 

Boo

?

Drama, I did feel really sad when I read your post because in no way do I want you to feel under pressure in your recovery, that is just not how it should be. I am and will be absolutely fine. Your recovery is for you. No one else. I want what is right for you. Love you mate,  I am still pretty good at virtual hugs ? 

Ooo Boo. It's like you're a mind reader.

Life has a way of sorting itself out drama... ??

You concentrate on shifting that cold ??

Boo 

X

Posted by: Murlo

Drama, I did feel really sad when I read your post because in no way do I want you to feel under pressure in your recovery, that is just not how it should be. I am and will be absolutely fine. Your recovery is for you. No one else. I want what is right for you. Love you mate,  I am still pretty good at virtual hugs ? 

Don't feel sad. I basically declared my undying love for you. That's a good thing no?! Lol x

You make me smile so much ?

Hope that snuffly feeling shifts soon.. 

Nite n bless 

Boo 

?

Dismay on a Friday. 

I WFH cos I'm still sick. I logged on from home and first thing I see is an email from my boss saying he's authorised my OT payment BUT he can't see that I did any work and he wants file numbers and stuff cos he's doing a check to see if OT is worth it. I don't believe that last part. I do believe he thinks I was taking the whatsit and claiming for work I hadn't done. My logical brain tells me this guy doesn't know me yet but my emotional brain is firing on all cylinders and I'm properly upset by this. 

I sent him an excel spreadsheet on with some detailed information for what I'd done and when. It's all very readily available stuff if he'd just thought about it. Anyways, I'd done 7 files in 14 hours (that I could prove). So one every two hours on average so not bad going. One of them took 4 hours so in reality the natural average is 1 every 1 hour 40 mins. 

He was obviously releived to get the information to prove what I'd done and I let slip that I'd done some reports he wanted last Sunday and would finish some others this Sunday. He's like you don't have to do work in your own time. I'm like I'm aware of that. #COLDFISH. 

I don't like being accused of fraud. Which is essentially what he was doing. Also explains why I'm not allowed to do OT from home anymore. 

I got an email from some GC lady asking about talking to me about the women's programme but I didn't really know what she wanted cos it was quite a wordy email. I do tend to speed read cos I'm always busy but I just emailed her back and asked what she wants exactly. She replied today and said she wants to talk to me about my story. It's kind of all on here but I told her I'd be happy to help cos GC helped me so much. Deffo know I wouldn't be here without their help so I'll talk to her. Will wait to here back about that. 

Hubby told me this aft that the phone bills are due out this week. His plan to fix this is take out x amount of money on a high interest credit card and buy some of that stuff he likes and pay the rest in the bank. Then he's gonna pay back his card when I get paid. This is ALL of my OT money I just earned. I'm just a flipping cash cow me. I always have to come up with money for these mad schemes. I would've just let the phone DD's bounce and paid them when I got paid. Hubby was not to be argued with and trust me, I know when he doesn't have that stuff he likes that it's just not worth arguing. 

I messaged a guy about a thing and he said I'd sort it and could go see him at 9:30. I took Hubby to the pub at teatime and we called at the cashpoint on the way there. He was pretty testy in the pub with me over summat and nothing. I just need to get him sorted cos I can't deal with him when he's in a boo. 

After the Pub I went up the booze shop. I parked up the street a bit and on the way down I saw a box of 18 stellas that someone had dropped. Some were bust but the most of them were on a traffic island in the middle of the street. I thought ha! someones having a mare. 

I went to the booze shop and bought 4 cans of beer for myself. When I was waiting to pay, I kinda did a risk assessment in my head. I paid for the beer and asked the lassie behind the counter to watch my beer whilst I went and collected that beer outta the street. I thought if a bunch of kids find that, it could get messy. She agreed with me and said it was a good idea to bring it back to her shop. Took two trips to collect it all. I bet people thought I was a scab collecting it for myself but I don't care. 

Anyways, so once I'd put that behind the counter in the shop, I took my own beer and went back to the car. Hubby wanted to know what I'd been up to and I told him. I got told off and told I should've left it. 

9.30 comes and the guy says it's gonna be a bit later. 

10pm comes and he's like yeah, it's not gonna be tonight. Hubby is miffed. 

I really wanna gamble cos I  worked really hard to pay back the overdraft and now that money is effectively gone. I can't keep up me. Just feel like I take one step forwards and fifteen hundred steps back. 

That is all. 

D.  

Maybe I should get a weekend job and just forget about getting a degree? I'm never gonna amount to anything. 

No, that would be so wrong. Your degree is about you. A weekend job wouldn’t be. You are way too  smart and will know that the former is a) better for your well-being, b) better for you financially long term. All I want is for you to to do something for you. I just keep hearing the words that my counsellor says to me - never give your power away. Love you xx

So a weekend Job would mean less time on chat too..  And we can't have that.. We would get drama withdrawals ?

Things will right.. They always do. Ti's just a time thing

Nite n bless 

Boo ??

Hey Lass,

Stop it right now. You're already something & something special too, so stop this nonsense. I see in you a bright lass with bags of potential. Have you been drinking ?. If so get yourself to bed and read what you've written in the morning. If not get your head down, continue with your studies  get back in control of your destiny. 

I wish i was your age & had your opportunity to change my whole life. I think your night out the other day has perhaps dented your confidence. Remember this, being an addict doesn't mean the world ends. Don't let anyone convince you you ain't as good as anyone else in this life. I've got ambitions too aged 64.

1, To live as long as i want to

2, To want to as long as i live

Ain't no-one going to take those aspirations away from me.

Best Wishes

AL

Al, yes. I've had two beers. Hardly a skinful by my usual standards. I'm gonna have two more aswell. I will read back in the morning. I promise. x