[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Whether you are germy or not I am sending sending you a huge hug today ?. It was just so lovely to wake up to your post this morning, thank you so much sweetheart. Love you x

Sylvia (aka Murlo) 

Tuesday. 

I wouldn't know what day of the week it was if I didn't keep this journal. I reckon I'm gonna buy a nice journal when I'm done with this one and just keep one regular maybe. It's a nice habit at the end of the day to think about what you've accomplished. 

I was thinking tonight about badness. It's not a term I've used in a while. I can remember telling Debbie months ago about being full of badness but maybe I just wasn't in the right state mentally to vocalise what I was feeling. Like anger, guilt, hate, all the bad stuff just filled me up to bursting point and now I have good and bad and I can mostly put my finger on what sets me off feeling bad. Anyway, just wanted to get that in my journal. It's good. 

Germ update. My nose is less snotty and my snot is running alot clearer so I guess that's a good my nurse friends. Your obsessed with snot, you tell me. My chest feels and sounds terrible and I'm sick to death of coughing. I've had to use my inhaler 4 times today because of a non-productive rattle. It's tiresome. 

I WFH today cos I just couldn't frame myself to go to the office. Noone complained about it (yet). I mean they saw me yesterday all snotty and chesty and horrible so it's not like anyone should moan about my choice to stay home but that doesn't always stop them. 

I did two files and started on a third. Not a bad days work. I went on chat at 1 and it was nice. 

I finished work at 6 and watched The Chase for an hour. 

Then I had an online tutorial with 4 of my tutor group and my tutor. It was on negligence. An area I know a fair bit about so I was able to blag my way through the class and sound like I know what I'm doing even though I'm actually 4 units behind in my reading. I do one weekend study and one messy with football so I'm usually behind on tutorials but it's the only way I can study and have a life so I'll finish what I'm meant to at the weekend and write up my assignment. It's due next Thursday. 

After that I went and did both my jobs really well. What with the Corona Virus threat, I'm just chucking disinfectant and antibacterial cleaner everywhere. I'd be mortified if someone picked up a bug in one of my places. 

Um now I'm home and gonna find a one hour cop show or summat and go to bed. 

Laters. 

Drama

xoxoxox

Oh and the dog peed in the car whilst I was cleaning and she puked in it on the way home (she pukes when she thinks she's in bother) but she's not in trouble cos she's a sick old lady dog and can't help it. I'll have to shampoo and clean it tommoz. I'm done in now. 

Really really....that is all. 

D. 

Thank you to the man that listened to me on the live chat tonight. You really helped me a lot. You turned a very low Drama into a slightly sad Drama. 

G'nite. 

D. x

Morning Drama,

Just popping in to deliver my morning hug. I am glad you chatted with someone and it helped a bit. You must be completely knackered. I really hope you can have an easier day. It is good to hear that your snot is clearer but not so good about your chest. I am hoping to hear that you WFH today and get plenty of fluids and rest. Love you mate xx

Glad to hear you got a decent night’s sleep sweetheart. I wasn’t too late home last night, about 9.30 ish. Go easy today xx

Posted by: Murlo

Glad to hear you got a decent night’s sleep sweetheart. I wasn’t too late home last night, about 9.30 ish. Go easy today xx

Haha *nurse mode activated* 

Yes boss! I will take it steady. ?

I'm in bother with my boss for WFH. He says noone said they knew where I was cos I just disappeared. Um, pardon me but I've communicated with all of the team at one point or other via Webex or group chat or email. They can bog off the lot of em. I told him I'll just get a sick note next time I'm ill and not bother trying to work. 

I have left my teams group whatsapp. They suck and I dont wanna be friends with them. 

I am very unhappy. 

I am not surprised you are unhappy. That would really P**s me off. I don’t like it when colleagues don’t care for each other. I hope you have now finished your day job for today. 

Wednesday. 

WFH (obvs). I got my own pills this morning. I found some Prednisolone in the cupboard that Hubby had been prescribed when he had a very bad chest in November that he'd not taken so I took one. What a difference it's made. Now before I get lectures off of @forum-admin I would just like to say that I checked it was in date and it's exactly the same dosage I get prescribed when I have a bad time with my chest so it wasn't an uneducated decision to take it. It's made a massive difference. Within a couple of hours of taking it that rattle in my chest had gone and I felt much much brighter for not coughing all the time. 

I worked on a spreadsheet for my boss today. It was super hard. Trying to get the formula's to work but I perservered and got there in the end. I had it all wrapped up by maybe 4pm. That's about the same time my boss emailed me an invite to a "discussion" on Monday afternoon. A one hour slot. I knew I was in bother. Noone ever books a discussion when they wanna praise you. They shout that from the rooftops. They tell everyone publicly. They use the award systems and intranet to do it. A discussion means you done wrong. 

I also knew instinctively it would be WFH cos he asked me last week to prove that I'd done the OT that I said I'd worked (16 hours). You don't do that if you think someone is towing the line. 

He emailed me to say that noone knew where I was. This has really miffed me cos if they really were concerned then you don't wait 48 hours. I could be pancaked on a motorway or splattered at the bottom of a bridge for all they'd really care. Nope, it's just managing for the sake of managing and it's bugged the heck out of me. 

I've discussed this with Hubby and we've agreed that this guy has zero trust in me and I'll just go in the office from now on and work to rule. No more doing stuff in my own time. No more skipping lunch and breaks. I'll just tow the line and if I get sick, I go sick. End of! 

When I got back from cleaning tonight Hubby was being real nice and I thought it was odd but then he told me. He says that he misses his Mum cos she's got Dementia and she's mega loaded. His brother has taken control of her finances and made it impossible for Hubby to see her. Keeps moving her around and stuff. We've involved social services and the police in it but under Probate law there is nowt we can do till she's actually dead so we've had to accept that he has power of attorney and can do what he wants. It's a real sad situation cos his brother never bothered with her when she was well. He's moving her to places that are totally inappropriate for her needs but it is what it is and we have to accept the situation. 

Anyways, so Hubby said that he misses his Mum. He wishes he could have her back as she was before she got poorly. Then he realised in that moment that is what I feel like all the time. I know my Mum in brief spells of wellness but I rarely see it. He felt a big moment of empathy for me. This is huge for him recognising summat like that and being real nice to me because of it. 

That's what I'm taking from today. That window when Hubby had an insight into my life like he's never had before. 

I'll take that. 

It was nice. 

Drama x

Empathy is like a big psychological hug. It brings a little tear to my eye reading that bit of your post, a special moment.

I am not even going to go into *nurse activation* mode over the steroids. Your chest is feeling better. I am happy about that ?

Sleep well sweetheart x

Thank you for mentioning my blackbird story. He is quite special to me. So are you x

Black Dog Day. 

Went to work. Course everyone wants to know what's up with me cos I had a FB rant about how work sucks and left my teams whatsapp group. I kinda wanted to do the latter anyway cos it gets on me wick when they're all doing fun stuff and I'm cleaning but as much as I was in a boo, people were still being nice to me which is weird. 

One lass got me some Day Nurse. Another lass gimme some lozenges and two lasses chatted me privately to say if I need to talk about ought they are there for me. 

I didn't feel like talking. 

I went on chat for a spell at dinner. That was a waste of time cos I didn't feel right much like chatting either. 

I got to do some interesting work this aft. Got given a bunch of cases that we'd lost and asked to determine "where it all went wrong". Kinda root cause analysis but on a big scale really. I relished this work and forgot about my bad mood for a while. I worked through till 6pm cos I was enjoying what I was doing. 

I took Hubby to the pub after work. We didn't stay long cos it was full of noisy drunks. 

I done my night work. 

I got some beer and I'm gonna drink it. I also got some cigs which is really stupid but I don't care. 

That is all. 

Drama. 

Staying the course...

I'm right proud of myself. I have had a bad few moments in the past few days (not to compare my journey to others on here cos I know people have way harder things to face) BUT....I'm still here fighting the good fight. I am proud of that. 

My plan to get squiffy and smoke cigarettes actually worked oddly enough. Maybe my body doesn't want healthy food and exercise. I actually felt more my old self today than I have in weeks. My cough is productive. My voice is funny. All squeeky. My energy levels are higher and I have no temperature. I am happy with that. 

I got told a few nights ago that someone would ring me from the Helpline and they haven't done so I've been a bit on edge waiting for that call that never comes. I'm hoping they just forget cos I don't wanna talk about how I was feeling and just focus on how I feel now. So that's kinda a blessing in disguise I guess. 

I went to the office today. I got some fuel. I needed to get some cash out but people were waiting to get to the pumps and I didn't wanna leave my car there so I just went to work. It's daft really. 

I got to work and borrowed £2 off of D to get breakfast (I give it him back at dinner time after I got some cash out). 

I did some real good work today. I was very focused. 

I got an email from a guy who is the Head of UK and International Legal for our firm. He has accepted to be my mentor. This has been something I have been working for since my last mentor left the firm. That was about 2 years ago. She was pretty high up but this guy is next level high up. I stalked him on LinkedIn. I have booked an appointment in my calendar for week after next for a dial in. I will tell him what I want and hopefully he'll be happy with it. I just want some exposure to legal work. Nowt special. Just entry level stuff. It'll be good for my C.V and good for my career development. 

After work I took Hubby to the pub. 

Then i went cleaning. 

Then I took Hubby to the pub again. He is well squiffy. 

He has a plan. He says he's gonna die soon. He says his credit is fantastic cos of my wages going in his bank so he plans to take out loans and stuff that he'll never pay back cos he'll be dead. I can't begin to process his thoughts and plans. They are just too stupid. 

I know he will do it. I know the truth is coming out cos he's drunk. I told him I don't wanna talk about it now. 

I've told him already several times that I won't allow him to take out debt based on my earnings. The banks are stupid. They keep giving him money based on my wages thinking they are his but what's the point in me working all the time to pay debts when Hubby is taking out more at a rate faster than I can pay them off? 

I don't know what to do. 

Do I take back control of my money? It's so early in my real recovery. I don't want money back. I also don't want temptation. I want support not more debt cos that's a huge trigger anyway. 

I dunno. Just waffling now. 

Drama. x

Evening Drama, you should be rightly proud of yourself, 50 gamble free days tomorrow. I know I am seriously proud of you x

I kind of worry about the post though, you probably know why without me saying so I won't. It's not to do with the money thing. 

There are ways you can have your money and block gambling transactions. You have time to think about it though. You will make the right decision for both of you because you will do your research, that I am sure about!

Maybe I should try squiffy and cigarettes tonight ?