[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Black Dog Day. 

Went to work. Course everyone wants to know what's up with me cos I had a FB rant about how work sucks and left my teams whatsapp group. I kinda wanted to do the latter anyway cos it gets on me wick when they're all doing fun stuff and I'm cleaning but as much as I was in a boo, people were still being nice to me which is weird. 

One lass got me some Day Nurse. Another lass gimme some lozenges and two lasses chatted me privately to say if I need to talk about ought they are there for me. 

I didn't feel like talking. 

I went on chat for a spell at dinner. That was a waste of time cos I didn't feel right much like chatting either. 

I got to do some interesting work this aft. Got given a bunch of cases that we'd lost and asked to determine "where it all went wrong". Kinda root cause analysis but on a big scale really. I relished this work and forgot about my bad mood for a while. I worked through till 6pm cos I was enjoying what I was doing. 

I took Hubby to the pub after work. We didn't stay long cos it was full of noisy drunks. 

I done my night work. 

I got some beer and I'm gonna drink it. I also got some cigs which is really stupid but I don't care. 

That is all. 

Drama. 

Staying the course...

I'm right proud of myself. I have had a bad few moments in the past few days (not to compare my journey to others on here cos I know people have way harder things to face) BUT....I'm still here fighting the good fight. I am proud of that. 

My plan to get squiffy and smoke cigarettes actually worked oddly enough. Maybe my body doesn't want healthy food and exercise. I actually felt more my old self today than I have in weeks. My cough is productive. My voice is funny. All squeeky. My energy levels are higher and I have no temperature. I am happy with that. 

I got told a few nights ago that someone would ring me from the Helpline and they haven't done so I've been a bit on edge waiting for that call that never comes. I'm hoping they just forget cos I don't wanna talk about how I was feeling and just focus on how I feel now. So that's kinda a blessing in disguise I guess. 

I went to the office today. I got some fuel. I needed to get some cash out but people were waiting to get to the pumps and I didn't wanna leave my car there so I just went to work. It's daft really. 

I got to work and borrowed £2 off of D to get breakfast (I give it him back at dinner time after I got some cash out). 

I did some real good work today. I was very focused. 

I got an email from a guy who is the Head of UK and International Legal for our firm. He has accepted to be my mentor. This has been something I have been working for since my last mentor left the firm. That was about 2 years ago. She was pretty high up but this guy is next level high up. I stalked him on LinkedIn. I have booked an appointment in my calendar for week after next for a dial in. I will tell him what I want and hopefully he'll be happy with it. I just want some exposure to legal work. Nowt special. Just entry level stuff. It'll be good for my C.V and good for my career development. 

After work I took Hubby to the pub. 

Then i went cleaning. 

Then I took Hubby to the pub again. He is well squiffy. 

He has a plan. He says he's gonna die soon. He says his credit is fantastic cos of my wages going in his bank so he plans to take out loans and stuff that he'll never pay back cos he'll be dead. I can't begin to process his thoughts and plans. They are just too stupid. 

I know he will do it. I know the truth is coming out cos he's drunk. I told him I don't wanna talk about it now. 

I've told him already several times that I won't allow him to take out debt based on my earnings. The banks are stupid. They keep giving him money based on my wages thinking they are his but what's the point in me working all the time to pay debts when Hubby is taking out more at a rate faster than I can pay them off? 

I don't know what to do. 

Do I take back control of my money? It's so early in my real recovery. I don't want money back. I also don't want temptation. I want support not more debt cos that's a huge trigger anyway. 

I dunno. Just waffling now. 

Drama. x

Evening Drama, you should be rightly proud of yourself, 50 gamble free days tomorrow. I know I am seriously proud of you x

I kind of worry about the post though, you probably know why without me saying so I won't. It's not to do with the money thing. 

There are ways you can have your money and block gambling transactions. You have time to think about it though. You will make the right decision for both of you because you will do your research, that I am sure about!

Maybe I should try squiffy and cigarettes tonight ?

Posted by: Murlo

Evening Drama, you should be rightly proud of yourself, 50 gamble free days tomorrow. I know I am seriously proud of you x

I kind of worry about the post though, you probably know why without me saying so I won't. It's not to do with the money thing. 

There are ways you can have your money and block gambling transactions. You have time to think about it though. You will make the right decision for both of you because you will do your research, that I am sure about!

Maybe I should try squiffy and cigarettes tonight ?

Hey! Now you stop worrying about me. I am fine. The Gamcare people have my back. You have just about enough to worry about. 

Auntie Flo called last night. Says she's stopping for a few days. Reckon that's why I've been all out of sorts. Just the big hormonal monster. 

I will be just fine Murlo. 

I promise. 

I keep my promises. 

Drama x

I do believe it is your half century today. That’s awesome ?

Posted by: Murlo

I do believe it is your half century today. That’s awesome ?

I'm waving my cricket bat at you Murlo. I dunno if you do cricket but it's a thing. Also listening to Paul Simon - You can call me Al. It's a great tune. I love music. I have found a new love for it since I stopped gambling. 

Love you pal. 

Be well. 

Drama x

I love cricket, (IPL especially) , can see your half century bat raised ? 

Music is amazing. It doesn’t matter what I listen to, I get something different out of it each time.

Love you too pal. Sleep well x

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7m1PO7wvYM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSq4B_zHqPM

I just love that tune...

Congratulations on your half century Drama

Stephen x 

I am going to bed. I am very happy to be gambling free. That is all. x

Saturday. 

I woke up at 11.30am. Really very hungover after messing about last night. I had the worst headache. Like the crown of my head was painful. Hubby brought me breakfast in bed. He brought me tea and toast and marmalade. He said he would've done it for valentines but I had to go to work. It was cute. 

I stayed in bed till nearly 3pm. I should be studying but I don't feel like it. Mostly cos of the hangover. 

Um, what else?

Hubby used all of his stuff and wants some more. I messaged a guy and we went to get it at 6pm. I am unhappy about this but it is what it is. I made Hubby come with me because the weather is terrible and it scares me a bit. 

We went to the pub. I saw T from Church. That was nice. 

Hubby has increased his limit on his credit card. He bought me some new trainers. Um. Well I knew that was coming. Not the trainers part but that's his way of saying don't be mad please. I'm not mad. He still cannot spend as much in a day as I can gambling so I have determined that I will hit my 90 day target and then take back control of the money. 

It's for the best. I need to know that I can be strong before I do that. He won't get us in as much of a hole as I can in a single night. 

I love my Hubby. I love him so much. I wish he was more responsible but it is what it is. 

I am looking forward to getting my Nike Air Max 95. 

He knows what he's doing. 

I am sad that LouLou is in a bad place right now. I wish she would talk to us. I reckon we could help. I am sad that Stace is having stress with the weather and stuff. 

I think we have a real nice community here. 

I hope people use it when they are low cos I know it helps me stay strong. 

I am off to bed. 

G'nite. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

Oh yeah, have decided I'm gonna not go to work this week. I worked when I was sick and it wasn't appreciated. I am gonna go sick and get well and finish my assignment this week. 

That is all. 

Drama. x 

Sunday. 

Stayed in bed and watched a romance film called Our Souls at Night. I enjoyed it. It wasn't Up Close and Personal good but it suited my mood. 

I went on chat at lunch but I asked a daft question and felt stupid so I gave up on it. 

I went to church and lit a candle for Murlo and one for her mate and I also lit one for Boo cos when she says night and bless it makes me wanna bless her and I felt bad for her getting shoved for no reason. Even if there was a reason blokes shouldn't be shoving lassies. *angry mad face*

I went to Sainsbury's and got a Pork Roast and all the trimmings. 

I got home and Hubby had sent me several whatsapp messages with other stuff he wanted me to get. 

I had a cheese sandwich and a cuppa tea and went to Lidl's and got the stuff he wanted. 

Then I come home and had another brew. 

Then I took the dog up the park. Due to the weather we had the place more or less to ourselves so this was nice and relaxing. I didn't have to worry about keeping her close or little kids or other dogs or ought. I enjoyed this time. 

I come home and cooked dinner. We've had Pork, Sage n Onion stuffing, Apple Sauce, Roasted Potatoes and Carrots and Savoy Cabbage and Swede Mash. Very nice. I did not eat all mine cos my appetite is reduced. 

Whilst I was cooking I had a FB fight with some Uni kids about whether selling photo's of yourself online is s*x work. I do get myself involved in some very odd debates. 

I'm just chilling now and looking for summat to watch on Netflix. 

Drama.