My name is Rayner and I have a gambling problem.
Firslty thankyou for opening my thread/diary and taking time out of your lives to listen to me. Gambling for me has been a problem since I was in school i remember when id spend all my lunch money in the slot shop at a dinner time even though we where not old enough to be in there. It started with bandits/slots and then as I aged the FOBT where introduced to me as a started to mix with a few older lads in a local football team.
My first big win i remember it like it was yesterday £50 in £2900 out in a machine, i went up to the counter and the lady pretty much new i wasnt yet 18. She told me as she handed me the enverlope full of £20's go straight home. I remember spending the cash like it was going out of fashion on stuff i didnt need. Few days later i was back in the bookies armed with roughly £2000 left. Few hours later it was gone.
I am now 29, Ive had my fair few life challanges as ive grown up but id say ive always come out a fighter and ive never given up. Today I thought I had given up, this past month has been the worst I think I have caused due to my issue with gambling. The problem with my gambling is that i can go weeks, months without a bet, fobt or even a few scratch cards but when that little erge comes it leaves a path of utter devostation. What I think will be a happy £20 -£50 which i could afford to gamble with suddenly turns into countless trips to the ATM to having no money left or as i have now found the credit card is declined and ive added another £5000 to the debt amount.
The issue with me is i never no when to stop, more than not i will win 10x the amount i have depoisted this past month i could have bought a house with the amount of money i had won. Walking away or being satisfied that is a different statement altogether.
I used to think I gambled to hide from other issues, that I believe plays apart but only a small part, I have an excellent job but i have no value for money, do i sit on my b*m and get paid for doing very little no, i work 60 hour weeks and often do 7/7 weeks. Last year I had 20 holidays rolled over to this year because I took 1 week off. Was it healthy, did i enjoy my money, was it worth it the big house, the fancy car outside, i mean sure the kids where happy but was I being a good Dad or partner i dont think so.
In return i have made my self extremely unhappy, every penny counts and when i get so low i add to the debt we have accumilated over the years to a point now where the gambling has taken over. Money does not buy happiness and the more you have the more you spend and the more you forget about what really matters. I have been an terrible partner to my amazing fiance and i could have been there more for more kids and what do I now have to show for it £45000 in debt. I am starting this diary and taking one day at a time i know i could go aday or a week without a gamble as we all have our own demons my biggest challange will be when the day comes i have done enough to tackle the battle.
I am just adding the credit card amounts to this diary entry so i can look back hopefully and in 6months time be able to say thats 1 paid off or maybe 2 and to hopefully show some of you guys/girls that if you are starting out with small amounts even if you win big the bigger bets will follow. Yes the wins are bigger but the loses are if not greater.
I have won most probably the best part of £65k this month of my own money i have wasted roughly £1500 credit cards i have maxed out 4 at £15000 plus the £65k i had sitting there. That gives me a total of a chilling £81500 how much do i have now -£16500. In the space of a week. How long will it take me to pay off Years. I am hoping my mistakes and my diary will touch somebody and help not only myself but others aswell. Other money i owe is to my parents. For the first month I am doing day to day entries for my own peace of mind and then I will see how it goes. I know i am my own worst enemy i put needless pressure onto myself and people around me try to give me the answers but it isnt as easy as that. It really isnt. To all those on a path similar to mine i wish you all well and dont hate yourself i hate myself every day for what i have done and it is something that i aim to tackle head on.
Tomorrow is a new day and today was the last day i depoisted and lost a bet. £2500 placed at 2.34pm 17/04/2017
Credit card 1 - £10000.
Credit card 2 - £5000
Credit card 3 - £5000
Credit card 4 £3700
Credit card 5 £2500
Credit card 6 £2500
Hi Raynor
You seem like a sensible chap. Surely your addiction IS all about hiding from other issues. That's what it is 99% of the time.
What else is it? It's not pure greed as that implies rational decision-making. Your repeated high losses (like mine were) cannot be explained away like this.
Addiction is all about escapism and getting the dopamine fix. Check out
https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong
You're not a bad person, you're doing what is innate - avoiding discomfort and seeking instant pleasure. That's not always good for you. Time for a rethink.
Welcome aboard
Louis
Thankyou for the link Louis A***.
I currently find myself very isolated and cut off from everyone. This will be added to my very long list.
cardhue wrote: Hi Raynor
You seem like a sensible chap. Surely your addiction IS all about hiding from other issues. That's what it is 99% of the time.
What else is it? It's not pure greed as that implies rational decision-making. Your repeated high losses (like mine were) cannot be explained away like this.
Addiction is all about escapism and getting the dopamine fix. Check out
https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong
You're not a bad person, you're doing what is innate - avoiding discomfort and seeking instant pleasure. That's not always good for you. Time for a rethink.
Welcome aboard
Louis
That's the value right there in reading other people's diaries. I listened to the Ted talk and took a lot from it. I'm definitely going to approach this recovery in a different way based on that.
I hope the diary owner and others take something from that . Thank you
Day two in my Diary, as expected ive not had a bet today.
I woke up positive and had my day pretty much planned out, i was back at work and had a busy day ahead. I have now accepted that we need to move property (which we rent) due as not just a consequence of my gambling but the fact of what I thought was important really isnt.
The savings from moving and changing all the materialistic propeties I have will not only help me in the road to recovery but to hopefully value money alittle more and be able to maybe one day enjoy it. So thats one thing sorted, the next thing was to ring the Drs sadly I wasnt registered and I have to wait alittle before i can see the Dr but the phone call was made.
I also told a very close friend regarding what I had done and that little bit of ranting and moaning made me feel alittle bit more positive. He gambles but he has the ability to stop and ive told him i do not want him to change his ways because of me and not to talk to me regarding gambling because i may feel the need to gamble. That isnt what triggers me. Id rather he asks me how im feeling as daft as it sounds and being able to rant would work well for me.
Tomorrow is a new day. Keep working hard for those on the same journey
Havent logged since Tuesday been very busy with work and life. No thoughts of gambling at all coming into my mind, feeling good at present, went back to one to one meeting last night which was ok but felt alittle down after it due to the level of info i was giving the guy but i was very honest and thats the main point.
The house we are currently in last half aday on the market and we have found a property in a different area which is much better suited for our family and it is going to be 3/4s less than what we pay now it of course needs alittle tlc but we can make it our own. I hope all is well for everyone else and i can keep this positive attitude. The day will come when i have to battle it is something i know will happen its just where, when and how i deal with it!
Turning to gambling will not the the answer.
Good morning all.
Day 6
​Its the weekend not feeling to great today mentally that is. Didnt sleep well last night due to be exhausted and falling asleep at 5 in the afternoon to wake up at 9.30 and not being able to go back asleep!
Had a few of those crazy a**e sleep demon things where you think somebody is pinning you down and the more you struggle the more you have it. Weird s**t!!
Anyway Kids are out at my parents and the misses is at work on a double shift. Currently plowing through electrical certificates and keeping busy. No cravings to gamble but worries me im alittle down. This feeling of not knowing why your unhappy or down is a ballache and im pretty sure it is what leads to me gambling. Going to get this done and try to get myself back into some gaming. I have to wait to get into the Drs still not able to see me as a new patient until the 2nd of May
My hobbies when i have time are PC and playstation gaming as im a big kid at heart nearly 30 and would happily spend all day on it if i could. As with all things when gambling and depression take over these things become locked in a cupboard. Hope you are all well and your day is a good one.
Hi Raynerd10,
How are you at the moment, hope you are doing better. Cheers,
Square
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