My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

October 7th my first post....

God where to start.....i have gambled since I was able to. Why?.....I don’t even know....the buzz initially.....the wins initially.....more recently... to win it back....to escape...even I don’t know. I am 33, have a professional job, a partner, a house and a beautiful son. I hate myself for what I have done. I have lied, stolen from family , got us in to huge debt. And yet this wonderful man is still laid next to me! I honestly thought he would have taken our son and run. I have also told my dad and step mum andmother in law. I also stole from my brother so out of everyone other than my partner he’s taken my addiction and lies the hardest and rightly so. I have still got to sort my debt but somehow I feel today despite it being the worst day of my life so far. Is the new beginning also. I’m not sure I will ever pay all my debts or build the relationships I have shattered but I’m willing to try! Dam hard! I have signed up to gamstop. I have an informal meeting tomorrow to discuss my debt, and I have arranged for a councillor to call me. I can’t cry anymore I’m all out. My loved ones will never know the guilt and hole I feel inside knowing I could have stopped this long ago of only I had got help. I feel lonely despite their cuddles. And this is why I’m writing this.....I need to talk, to listen to others, with others who have an addiction like me.

8th....AM

I have had no sleep and the internal pain I feel is so strong! I have hurt, lied, stolen, and the truth of it is I can hardly put one foot in front of the other this morning. The reality of what my own actions, my addiction has done is profound.....

8th pm....

Well my partner is home. He’s spoken to me out of politeness in from of our son. Mixed feelings right now. Do I ask if he wants to talk or let him come to me? I know he’s spoken to my brother so I’m waiting.... I love him so much!

9th.....

So last night was horrible the 8th...my partner spoke little more than three words to me all night. I didn’t push him. I laid next to him with silent tears running down my face, my heart beating so fast I could physically see it and feel it. My eye lids that swollen it hurt to shut them. I fell asleep sometime in the early hours. I woke with the same feelings but a little less intense. I put on my “normal” body as I call it and did the school run. At home now having collected all the letters I have received regarding my debt over the years. Three carrier bags full! The odd things is they were hidden in a sense but only in the corner cupboard in the kitchen. Perhaps on a subconscious level I wanted them to be found. Then came the post 9th Oct. what dropped through the door but advertisement for a site I have never even used. Offering this and that. I instantly felt anger and resentment. I ripped it up and held tight whilst I wrote this post. I hate my addiction and what it has caused me to become. I hate myself for allowing this to happen.

10th.....

I haven’t seen my partner since the morning of the 9th when he left for work. He chose to stay at work until I had left for my night shift. He was gone again this morning before I arrived home. I know he went to my dads last night. I don’t know the details but my dad told me he’s doing as well as can be expected. I did text him last night from work. Just a little I love you and I know your angry message. I couldn’t help it. I do love him so much. I know I have betrayed an extrodinary man. Out of all of this it’s the shame, anger, guilt I feel for my family which is the worst. I am relieved that I am no longer gambling, no longer having to lie to everyone. But the physical pain i feel is unbearable. I don’t know if I will see him again before I go back to work tonight. I left him the workings out in a simple format on the table regarding the dmp if he chooses to stick with me. Seeing it in black and white puts in to perspective just how much I was loosing on this horrid addiction.

11th....

Thank you for you replies. You’re right there is no quick fix to my lies and deceit. The time and effort over the years it has took to get us in this mess will take years to overcome. My partner and I sat down yesterday and talked. Again you’re all right. The money is gone but thankfully for me this amazing man is willing to stand by my side and try to salvage something from our relationship. He did need time to comprehend everything. There were questions that I could not answer but I told him and I mean it. I am prepared to work with counselling services for as long as it takes to see if I can un pick and understand it myself. He has asked to attend some sessions with me. I genuinely can not believe the strength of this man. I know this is the beginning of a long road. Just setting up the dmp is daunting and this is just the practical side of my mess. My addiction has left me in ruin. I am at rock bottom. I’m physically exhausted and mentally drained. However, I will try with every breath I take to be better. This forum has given me a place to come when I have nowhere else to go and for that I am also grateful.

11pm...my reply to a post on my wall...

I have been on the rollacoster you describe for over 10 years. I have had periods before where I have not gambled. I have cleared debts and then built them back up. This time is different, feels different. I am different. It’s taken until I’m at rock bottom but I want to change. I don’t want to lie anymore. I know this is the start of my recovery. A journey I am willing to commit to. I will not have access to the bank account. I don’t want access to it. I am currently speaking with a Councellor via phone as there are no one to one appointments until Next week. My vice has always been online. I have put stops and blocks in place.

12th....

I am powering on today. All stuff to do with dmp. Phone calls etc. Just trying to ensure I get it right. The logistics of it all really. The moving of dd is going to be a mare!

I’m so grateful for your kind words these past few days. I want to know I’m extremely grateful. The fog is still with me but some of the smog has lifted if that makes sense. I am an intelligent person and I intend to fight this with everything I have.

Some of the relationships I have damaged may never be repairable. But for now I’m concentrating on me, my partner and my son.

12th pm....

Together me and partner have more or less sorted the dmp. Well our bit at least. Going through each debt was hard today. The reality of what I had done with nothing to show for it except lies, deceit and pain. In 2years and 10 months the financial aspect will be over.

I am all too aware that my damaged relationship not only with my partner but other family members will take years or maybe never.

I am still ashamed and when I am alone find myself locking the door and just sitting....pondering....I am angry with myself for being such an idiot! I know it’s early days but I am 100% commited to this!

I hope your relationship with husband and other families gets better with time. Its still early. Most of us here at some point had a rock bottom. If we didnt have that rock bottom we could not have realized that we have a problem. stay GF. wish you all the best

8 days gf..... and today is not a good day. Don’t want to gamble, don’t want to do anything. I feel really low today. Emotions all over the place.

Thinking how lucky I am to have my partner and son. Feeling devastated that I have lost my brother. I don’t want to go out. It’s like everyone will see me for the first time...bare, vulnerable, a gambler, an addict.

I know my family have confided in others and that scares me to death. The thought of eyes on me, the judgement, the gossip.

Sarah many consider compulsive gambling to be a mental illness....certainly not the actions of someone in their right mind. Be kind to yourself, you are addressing it now. Take what help you can, counselling, GA, GP, this site....you will start to feel better soon. I know several people who have got to the point of feeling thankful for their addiction, as it has led them to a more authentic life. Maybe one day you will look back on this week as being a positive turning point in your life. Keep talking; people here are listening and do not judge you, cos we are compulsive gamblers too.

Thank you Rhoda. Your words mean so much.

This site alone has helped massively. Just somewhere to express myself without judgement. I am doing all I can at the minute. The stops, the counselling, the finance etc.

My partner has / is being amazing.

I can’t face my brother yet. I’m not strong enough.

Hi Sarah. Hope you have a better Sunday. One day at a time. Scott

Hi Sarah if your partner needs help and support he should find a gamanon meeting. They offer help, support and recovery. I'm the wife of a compulsive gambler and gamanon meetings have definitely saved my marriage and mental health. Also recovery works better together. Don't worry what people think, real understanding friends will be there no matter what. Most people have no idea what compulsive gambling even means so what does it matter what they think. Find something to do that gives you peace of mind, get into a routine. Get some fresh air and exercise, even a 5 minute walk/run will help. Don't hide from the world you are entitled to your faults the same as the next person. You are trying to change, be proud you've recognised your problem.

Thank you scott.

Today has been a better day. No thoughts of checking in online. Still repulses me when I think of the time I spent playing.

Been at work today. This always helps me. I love my job. Partner had made tea when I got in, run me a bath. Life almost felt normal.

We sat down and chatted whilst I was a member on chat. He asked questions, I answered them.

I then read him my diary. He knows I have been writing it but never asked once to read it.

Somehow by reading it I was able to say things I would never have been able to say out loud.

I felt comfortable reading it to him. In a weird way this last week has been such a turning point in our relationship. A relationship that all be it a great one had lost the conversation. Had lost its closeness.

We have been together 14 years yet today I opened up like never before.

Like I have said. This first part of my recovery is about me, him and our little boy. The two people who mean the world to me.

I’m off work this next week. So I expect it to be difficult. But just for tonight my heart rate is normal, I’m not crying, I’m just being me.

Thanks san! I am trying, I’m giving this all I have got. Thanks for your support.

So diary.....day one of being off work.....

Had a bit of a grey day. Can’t move forward with dmp until partners new account details come through. Feeling exhausted both physically and mentally.

Not achieved much around the house - always tomorrow.

Emotionally up and down. Did think about the slots but only in anger.

Had what I have to come to realise was my first anxiety / panic attack when someone knocked on the door I wasn’t expecting. My heart pounding, felt difficult to breathe. I didn’t answer. I’m not ready to talk to this certain relative.

Spoke to my dad, he says my bother is ok. Which is a blessing.

My partner remains amazing. So supportive.

My son refused to sleep at his nans staring he wanted to come home with me....at least one relationship I have is amazing. X

Just realised it’s a week since I found this forum! Everyone I have spoken to from cg like myself to the friends and family members have all been fantastic. The support I have felt this week from this forum is second to none.

It has certainly for me been a rollercoaster of a week. I will continue to check in, write my thoughts and the obvious highs and lows down of my life.

But just wanted to say what a great bunch of people we have here. We may not be perfect but you have all been a tremendous strength to me.

I will be forever grateful x

Sounds to me as though you have more than one amazing relationship...son, husband who is standing by you, dad who is obviously concerned, brother who cares enough to be angry. You have known about your gambling problem for a long time, to the rest it is a new reality, it is going to take them time to get their heads around it. You will get support here, counselling, GA....they will be struggling alone to understand something that makes no sense at all. You will have to give them all time.

Rhoda, when you put it like that I suppose I do!

Dear diary, Got my first one to one counselling tomorrow. Nervous, anxious but also Positive thoughts about it.

Still not ready to face some relatives but I suppose that time will come.

Partner worked from home today. Just him being around makes me calm.

Still angry about my actions. Now he fog has lifted it’s like I’ve seen the light. Oh god why couldn’t this have happened years ago!