My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

Hey. ...that's wonderfull news love...I'm thrilled for you...
The bridges we burnt whilst chained to our addiction. ....can...be 're built....with time...and hard work.....you're doing sooooo well.....and this is just the boost you deserve....
Lovely news xxx

Thanks Stacey, san, loxxie!

I’m thrilled! I know it’s early days but whoop whoop!

129 days gf,

Last week was a strange old week. Full of lows and finished on a high.

Never felt more determined never to gamble again. I still have the thoughts but don’t want to act on them. Still get a bit jumpy when I’m sat woth my partner and an advert appears.

Looking into continuing counselling, still no access to finances, gamstop in place....I’m doing ok I think.

Dad popped by today. He looked uncomfortable asking but he asked if I was ok, if we as a family were ok. I told him what I still had in place. He smiled. We aren’t particularly close so for my dad that was a heart to heart.

Finances I know remain tight this week. But we have food in the fridge and nothing to pay for this week so all is good.

Sarah

Sarahs16 wrote:

o*g!

Today I received an invite to my brothers wedding! I feel so happy I’ve cried and cried!

Of all the things my addiction has caused. The relationship between me and him has been the hardest to take. This invite has given me a glimmer of hope.

Ah it really did put a smile on my face reading this post this morning.....

Damo

Thanks damo! 🙂

Day 131 gf,

No wants to gamble but the thoughts have passed. I have found it easy to bat them away today.

Thankfully still have full blocks in place. Don’t want to gamble. Life is so much more simple without it. Still not spoke to my brother but I’m hopeful.

Taking each day as they come.

132days gf,

This morning I was woken by my son way before we needed to be up. Instead of being tired, angry and Mardy I wasn’t. I simply lifted the quilt back and in he hopped in for a cuddle. The reason I wasn’t tired, angry or Mardy is simple.....because last night and for the 131 nights before it I went to bed and didn’t stay up gambling away on my phone. I went to sleep instead.

I smiled this morning because this morning felt good. It felt good to know that I had time for my son. There have been many an hour when I’m sure I have ignored him previously. Well no more! We had a fabulous time before school and I can’t wait to go and pick him up.

Sarah

Mardy's not a word I've heard in a while and although I live in one of the most southerly parts of the uk where I was born , it brought back good memories of my northern roots :)) .

It's the simple things we never have time for Sarah while we gamble but the most important ones we miss .

Good on yer girl and keep those cuddles flowing :)) .

x

Ha ha A9, I’m definitely a northern lass 🙂

Sounds like a great way to wake up Sarah with your little guy waking you up and having cuddles. Well done getting an early night and getting some sleep instead of staring at blue light 🙂

Nothing wrong with being a northern. I’m a southern guy living in the north..... like really southern as in hemisphere Hahahaha

CJ.

Ha ha cj,

It was truly a wonderful way to wake up! Working shifts I have learnt to live on a few hours kip but of late this has been true sleep. I haven’t slept as well in years. Whether that be because of the “blue light” or guilt I don’t know but despite the turmoil still in some aspects of my life my home life is definitely on the up!

Well done on your journey so far, I genuinely wish you every success.

Sarah

134 days gf,

Dear diary,

Yesterday was a bad day! Yesterday I had about half an hour where my thoughts were consumed with wanting to go online. I’m ashamed to say it. I’m annoyed with myself that this was my thought process. For over 100 days I have very quickly been able to bat these thoughts away.

Yesterday I did not give in. Yesterday I stayed gamble free. Today I will be gamble free.

I have so much to loose. I can and will not let this addiction beat me. I want / am a better person than this.

I know this is life long and this alone scares me so much.

I woke in a better mood. Having been out for food and drinks last night with friends that previously we would never have done. Well perhaps we would but I would have been annoyed ( yes annoyed) that we had spent that money. Last night I wasn’t annoyed. I enjoyed it. We laughed and drank, it was enjoyable.

I sit here thinking the money spent would not have been enjoyable had I thrown it at the online slots.

One day at a time they say....ok today is going to be a good day, today I shall not gamble.

Better day today so far than yesterday. No thoughts like yesterday. Spent time with grandparents. Son has had us all in stitches.

Congratulations Sarah on your excellent progress. You certainly have a great attitude to recovery and also to life in general. You accepted that gambling was a big mistake but are now determined not to repeat it. You have not committed a terrible crime, you just fell into a trap and now you have climbed out of it.

Stay strong and in time to come you will reap the benefits:

Your finances will improve.

You will not be constantly be nagged by doubts and misgivings.

Shame, remorse and regret will slowly be replaced with heightened self-esteem.

Your mental and physical health will improve as you come to love and respect who you are.

Friends, loved ones and acquaintances will be pleased to have you back. They can enjoy being in the company of the real you and not some puppet that was manipulated by gambling addiction.

I wish you the peace, joy and happiness that you so richly deserve...Stephen

Thank you Stephen for your kind and thoughtful words.

Sat at home whilst the boys are out watching football. Time previously I would have spent online. So today I take a deep breath and realise that yes I am a cg but that over the last 135 days I have changed. I am seeing an improvement. Yes I still get irritated by the thoughts, my actions, the out of control way this addiction gripped me. But for today I shall not gamble.