My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

138 days gf,

Currently on nights. Bobbed our for ‘fresh air’ and stood with another member of staff. I don’t know her but we got chatting. As we were talking I noted the distinct way she was holding her phone. Thumb pressing away. I angled my head and sure enough I noted she was gambling. I even recognised the game from my one second glance. My instant thought was poor you. My brain was telling me I should warn her, stop her even but I didn’t. I just stood back and reflected. That was once me. But not anymore thankfully.

Hey love...thanks for such a lovely post on my diary....and I'm thrilled my story helps you.....I had such lovely people on here in my early days....one's that encouraged meet and propped me up when life was P**P.....and I remember how important that was to me....
I 've been doing a 24 hour shift with my parents each week for about 12 months now.....early dementia. ... it helps keep the care costs down....and means I spend quality time with them.....it's wonderfull to be putting others first....didn't do that for so long...and I certainly wouldn't have left my home for 24 hrs....how would I have hid the post from hubby ?. ....
Anyway.....it's lovely to see you doing so well....and you're also so supportive to others. .....
That wedding Invite post made me cry ! soooo pleased.....it will all come right.....it just all takes time xx

Thanks loxxie,

You diary and posts have always resonated deep with me. Wonderful to hear you are spending time with family despite the circumstances. I love caring for people, seeing their smiles, making their day a little better despite illness. Although I don’t always agree with the way the nhs is going I’m proud to call myself a nurse.

So it’s half term, finished my nights, feeling slightly human today. Only have today and tomorrow off to spend with my partner and son. How lovely waking up this morning before my little boy, having a brew and waiting to hear his little feet jump out of bed. We are all off today and tomorrow. Today is my mother in laws birthday. We are off to buy cake - yummy. The house feels full of love this morning. James my son sat in the middle of us whilst we drank tea and talked about what the day shall bring.

It feels amazing to actually know that we can go out today. We can buy cake, get that punctured car tyre repaired, perhaps even buy a few treats if we feel like it. Still incredibly frustrating that I have taken this from them for so long.

Last session of gamcare counselling this afternoon. Apprehensive to say the least. Hope she has some options to continue it. Will keep my fingers crossed.

Brief thoughts about gambling over last few days. Able to rationalise my thoughts and put them to bed thankfully.

Still no contact with my brother but we still have the wedding invite so I’m not giving up just yet.

Barely seen my dad - perhaps i am finding excuses not to visit, perhaps he is too. Don’t quite think he knows what to say.

Anyway, first thing is first lets go out as a family.

Sarah

Yo, wishing you a lovely day with your family. Try not to fret over your last session , look how far you have come . It will take time to rebuild relationship and fix everything, if it can be fixed , but it’s small steps and it looks to me like you moving forward , so well done , try to see that you have atchieved a lot and I know fighting the demons has not been easy. Be kind to you ., you deserve it .......Shiny 🙂

Thanks shiny!

So had last session of counselling yesterday by gamcare. Discussed continuing it privately as the counsellor does private work. She had discussed this with gamcare and they told her “no”. It’s not what they advise? I can’t help but feel a tad let down by this. I could have sourced her privately in the first place and no one would care how many sessions I paid for. Counselling has raised many issues for me and I have found it a tremendous help psychologically.

Hey Sarah
Thanks for stopping by my diary. I've been really busy plus my dad has been unwell so I have spent a lot of time travelling to see him. I'm still gf, and really glad to hear that you are too. I loved your post about time off with your partner and son. Hope you had a brilliant half term. Sorry counseling has stopped. If you can afford it and still feel you would benefit then you could pay privately. Its been really helpful for you and will probably continue to be helpful.
Keep well friend, hopefully bump into you on chat soon. God bless. Stux

Go Sarah!!! You're doing so well. Fantastic read ;o)

150days gf today! Whoop!

Always a pleasure to hear from you stu. I too have been super busy with work this week so not managed chat. Glad to hear you’re ok and still gf.

Thank you for your continued support signman, means a lot.

First day off work in what feels like forever today. Practically things are going well. Emotionally still finding the whole being kind to myself difficult. But today I smile at my 150 day achievement.

Hi Sarah

congratulations on 150 days!!! brilliant. I'm sure that life looks and feels a lot different to what it did 150 days ago!

well done my friend- hopefully will catch up on chat soon.

Stu

Dear Sarahs16,

huge congrats on 150 days gf from me too. You've not had an easy time and it is all the more valuable that you are so determined and keep going and keep being positive.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Happy 150th GF.. Well done Sarah. Very proud of you xx

Hi Sarah,

Wow well done you,fantastic achievement and as you progress you give me the strength to stay clean.

Stay Strong

Alan

Hi Sarah,
Congratulations on 150+ GF days!! Well done and keep going
Kate.

Thanks everyone!

161 days gf and today we spent time as a family whilst my son was mascot for his favourite football team. Whilst I didn’t enjoy freezing my a*s off I did absolutely love seeing his face and his reaction. Some 161 days ago this would not have been possible. Financially I would have wasted the money tonight has cost.

Although life is not 100% better. I still don’t see my brother and we haven’t spoken. This is something I am trying to address and pluck up the courage. However, at home in my comfort zone with my partner and son things couldn’t be better. Our whole family relationships see better. We all seem less stressed strangly. I suppose because I’m not as snappy neither are they.

Still a long way to go to repair the damage I have caused but feeling good toniggt.

Sarah

Nearly at the 6 months gf date. How things have changed. This ride remains rocky. The urges are less but when they come they feel powerful. I have to remind myself how much better life is without gambling. However, the downside to my behaviour is still with me. My brother still won’t talk to me and I am at a loss as to what to do now. In real terms my journey is still in its infancy but I’m still prepared to fight tooth and nail. I miss my counselling sessions. Someone to off load my every thought to. I shall celebrate quietly in a few days time. I’ve come along way but still a mountain to climb.

Sarah