My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

So get that feeling but it’s testament to your strength that we come face to face with it and stay strong.We can’t avoid it these days , just cope with not getting involved.

Thanks holycrosser, just hope it doesn’t spoil the holiday.

Hi Sarah,

I get how hard it must be and i can relate to that. Although i was never addicted to or interested in slots it must be like me taking my kids to Cheltenham and telling myself i wont gamble. Maybe you should stick £1 machine that plays war games or kill a few aliens if the little one or hubby wants to play slots. Youre conquering the NHS with your recent promotion why not conquer Venus or Mars youd make a great Darth Vader im sure.

Youre a strong woman & youll not only get through these difficulties i think youll have a fantastic time as long as you keep telling yourself JUST FOR TODAY. We both know the consequences if we fail.

Best Wishes & Have A Wonderful Time

AL

So today I won! I won because I stood by my son and let him experience the 2p slots as every child should. I smiled and laughed. 

He was unaware that my eyes were constantly flicking from one person to another initially, that I was grinding my teeth at points. But slowly the anxiety slowed and I was able to smile. 

He enjoyed himself and do you know what, that was the best feeling ever. 

Good for you Sarah :)) . 

It's not our kids fault we as parents have problems and I can understand your dilemma in making a choice as to let your kid's play or not and even how that would affect your state of mind .

I grew up playing the arcades as I live by the sea and had a very accommodating nan who loved the little bingo arcades so was only too happy to escort me there until I could go on my own . 

I often wonder how much that affected the way I gambled throughout my life but I guess I'll never really know the answer to that one , I will say that both my kids would also frequent the arcades and grabber machines when young on holiday and have even been to the casino with me on a few occasions in later life , fortunately as of yet neither have shown any sort of tendency to follow my path of destruction and they are 34 and 24 , so maybe it's not genetic after all ? . 

Kids are kids and will on their own try thing's out that aren't always what we would wish but I've always hoped that they'll figure out what's good for them without my intervention , some people gamble and are compulsive before too long while others can take it or leave it , which of those we become is not always down to our choice ? . 

All the best for now 

Alan  

Glad you got through it Sarah.

I think the best answer if a child encourages you to have a go is just to reply "I think its a terrible waste of money - I'm spending my money on an ice cream".

The arcades (both at the seaside and later city centre) were my first introduction to gambling. The sign of addiction were in hindsight apparent at aged about 11 or 12 for me, and I think if an expert had tracked my brain waves aged 7 or 8 when going on the "penny falls" at the seaside they may have put me in the at risk category.

Gambling sort of runs in my family - and never sure if its nature or nurture, but I've never encouraged my kids to have a "fun" bet on anything, and that includes penny arcades or "claw / grab" machines.

Honestly don't know if it makes any difference, but I knew how destructive it was for me years and years before they were born.

Hi Sarah,

Just thought i'd drop by & say hello. Couldn't help noticing you haven't posted or been on chatline much lately. Maybe it's because you're so busy with new job. Please let me know you're ok or even if you're not. No matter what we all need each other & you've been part of my new family on here since the early days.Please at least reply & ease my mind, I know i'm one of many missing you.

Stay Strong 

AL

Thank you @alwalm for your kind words. It’s true I haven’t been around here very much of late. I have had so much going on I don’t really know where to begin. The new job has certainly taken a toll, it hard work. Having always worked full time but never 5-6 days a week fitting everything in seems almost impossible but I’m getting there. Also had my brothers wedding which by the way was a fantastic day. It was a tough one emotionally but I smiled and smiled some more. The relationship with my brother all he it not what it used to be is getting there. He has been to my house which I feel is a huge milestone. I will endeavour to join chat one evening and have a catch up. I do hope you’re ok @alwalm. 

Best wishes,

sarah 

Hi Sarah,

It's been ages  i'm worried. Please get in touch even if you've relapsed we miss you so much.

Kind Regards

Al (alwalm )

Hi al, 

just realised I could have easily replied to you on here rather than your new thread...sorry about that. I’ve forgotten how it all works! 

so dear diary....I’m really sure why I decided to log back on here today. To check in, remind myself of how far I’ve come, to ground myself. I don’t know. Maybe even because I feel in some way ready to help others...

it’s over 2 years since I gambled for the last time and my lies were found out. I never thought I would get this far! 

what helped....GameStop, counselling, this diary, the people who replied and gave solid advice when I needed it the most.

it’s still not easy. The relationships I destroyed are still healing, my debts are still being paid off, I still don’t have my own bank account and not sure I ever want one if I’m honest.

I still take each day as it comes, still get anxious if I see an advert  or people try and involve me in any gambling conversations, even the lottery. 

I promise to continue to try ever day to be a better person than the person I once was.