My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

Dear diary,

I made it through my first session. It was emotional to say the least. Cathartic in a way.

Amazing really how I was able to open up about stuff that I thought I had carefully stored away in my little memory box upstairs.

My eyes have been like grit all day.

Same time next week....yes please. I hate myself a little less today just for going.

All steps in place....check!

Urge to gamble....nil!

Dear diary,

I have put the physical barriers in place, I have attended my first counselling session, about to send dmp paperwork, been more open with my partner than I ever have and I know it’s early days but i am so low in mood I’m exhausted.

After all my lies and self destruction you would think I would be easy at putting on a face. I feel so vulnerable. It’s like I don’t know how to be “normal”.

My week off has consisted when I’m alone of sitting, thinking, crying. I don’t want to do anything.

I feel better when my partner is home, like a comfort blanket I suppose.

Hi Sarah,
The early days are always tough and you have been through a lot. I know its a bit clichГ©, but honestly time is a great healer and it will get better and as long as you don’t gamble.

You have dealt with so much in such a short space of time......you should be very proud of yourself. There are so many people that come and go on here and they never have the strength to take the steps you have.

I don’t post as much these days but so much of what you say reminds me of the early days of my recovery. I like you did some pretty terrible things when I was gambling.....some things that still haunt me to this day. But these days I can look at myself in the mirror and smile.

I was going to say I wish you luck but I don’t think you need luck...you just need to keep doing the things you are and being honest with people.

Damo

Hi damo,

thanks for taking the time to post on my diary. It means a lot to me with all those gf days behind you.

I have started to read your diary and will continue later.

I am determined not to be beat again. I can and will get better. I have to for the sake of my parter, son and me. i can not and will not loose them.

It’s the guilt and self pitty, it’s eating me alive. I can’t believe looking back I allowed myself to do some of the things I have done. I do hope time is a healer.

Sarah

Dear diary,

I have come full circle today. As soon as my partner came in his strength gave me strength.

His smile made me smile.

Day 13 of gf. Onwards and upwards.

Gambling takes more from us than money. It takes our time, self worth and self respect. Its hard to believe we do what we do when we turn to gambling. Its not that we are bad people or that we mean or intend for our actions to hurt anyone around us. Getting back that self respect and self worth will play a big part in making your GF life easier once the early storm has blown out a little.

You will see that you are worth more than your addiction will tell you. You need to create and become the person you are underneath this addiction because it keeps us hidden even from ourselves for so long we forget who we really are. You can only do that over time. It often feels like we aren't getting anywhere then suddenly its 1 month, 3 month, 6 months, a year.

Recovery is powerful and really life changing. You can't force it but you must choose it to move away from the you that "needs" gambling. Accept the help, be kind to yourself. For whatever the reasons, whatever the amount it can only take more if you let it now you have realised its an uncontrollable addiction to you.

Have a good weekend.

All the best.

Thanks sjw for taking the time to post in my diary.

The things you have said resonate deep. This addiction has made me someone who I do not recognise. A person I don’t want to be. A person I am not.

I am trying to be kind to myself but then feel like I don’t deserve to be kind, well not yet anyway.

It’s still early days but I am determined never to go back.

14 days today!

Lovely to read your posts sarah..you're doing so well..
And great words from sjw. ..all so very true....
Try to enjoy the weekend with your family....x

Hey loxxie,

Thank you! Today has been a good day all round. 14 days gf.

Sat this evening with my little boy, reading, laughing and truly concentrating on him. Amazing feelings washed over me.

Still don’t want to gamble. Can’t believe I ever did!

My partner said the other evening that he sees a bright future ahead....today I saw a glimpse of that....together we are going to have that!

Sarah

Dear diary,

15gf days. One day at a time.

People say be kind to yourself. I am finding this the most difficult. How can I be kind? I have shattered and destroyed my relationship with my brother. I have hurt beyond words my partner. He is being supportive but the odd look here and there tells me he’s disappointed in my actions.

I have all the stops in place and have no desire to gamble. I am sleeping better than I have in ages but find I’m still exhausted.

The debt will be repaid in time.

I know I’ve turned so my corners this last 15 days. Just struggling I suppose with the emotional side of what I’ve done.

Never had so many highs and lows in the space of hours.

Anyway, off to the football with my son and partner later so brave face on - smiles and all.

Morning Sarah,

Been following your progress and you’re doing really well. I remember my first few weeks even the first 3 months I was a mess. Be told me at the time things will get better I couldn’t see it, but they was right things do improve.

Your partner will have doubts for a long time but as long as you keep being honest over time you will build that trust back up, im not saying it will be 100%.

Keep doing what you are it seems like you have a last chance to sort this out I blew my last chance I hate to see you do the same.

Enjoy the football

KTF

Hi Sarah

My husband is the CG in the house so I may be able to give you a little perspective into how your partner may be feeling. It's very hard, impossible in fact to trust a word your CG says especially in the early days. I can still get spooked by the odd curveball close to five years down the line (although there's always been an innocent explanation so far). You're constantly on edge wondering if they're at it again and whether there's another array of shocks waiting round the corner. You're also raging at the waste and overwhelmed with worry about the postion you've been left in and what it all means for the future.

It's great your partner can find it in him to be supportive. It wasn't in me. I needed all my energy for myself and for working out what I wanted in place to protect myself. I read everything I could about the addiction and Mr L got his support and understanding from the GA meetings he still attends. Your partner may find he needs support for himself at some point. Is there someone he can talk to who can listen to him objectively? Gamcare offer counselling for families too. The f&f section here is another source and/or maybe a Gamanon meeting.

Thanks ktf and Lethe. It means so much to me that you took the time to post on my diary. I promise to read and re read your words. They do help!

I have just read the GA “towards the first 90 days” my closest GA meeting is only 6 miles from my house but it’s 2 mins away from my work. I don’t feel able to attend this meeting as it’s too close. I have looked at attending meetings further away to give myself more anonymity. I’m going to discuss this with my partner and see what he thinks. It’s the only resource I have yet to access. After reading the towards the first 90 days I feel it would help me.

Dear diary,

No urges to gamble and we are on day 15! Whoop!

Today I spent some much loved time with my son and partner. I want to fill every waking moment with them. It was nice enjoying the day without worrying how we would pay for it. I had the odd “god why did I do this to us moments” we could have been doing this and more for years.

i realise that these moments will come with time as I rack up the gf days.

My guilt is still there and will be for years I assume. trying my best to be positive and take one day at a time.

Dear diary,

Day17

Been keeping myself busy with the practical side of life today. Back at work tonight and quite looking forward to it.

Went on chat last night - people were talking that there are ways around gamstop. I don’t want away around it, I have signed up to the maximum amount of time for a reason. I have also self excluded from the sites I used prior to gamstop.

My mood is up and down but I suppose that is to be expected. Next counselling session on Wednesday and to be honest I can’t wait. Sometimes wish I had one every day.

I know for sure that this journey is tough and will continue to be tough for some time. I will continue to do my best for me and my family. One day at a time.