My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

Things will fall into place now you have the right foundations . Your life will flatline and won’t be chaotic . Credit to you for doing this , it really is worthwhile I can vouch for that . Grit your teeth when you come up against small struggles . Most of our problems have been caused by gambling . Take that away and everything seems easier to deal with . Personally speaking this Christmas I’m taking my kids to a hotel and to a winter wonderland . Previous years it was never possible. Shows how far we can come in a relatively short time . Also no stress about how to say no to the kids for a big present or buying things that they need . I did feel remorse about how I had been in the past but thankful that at my worst , the people around me are still here and are enjoying the best part of me that I am now showing them

Hope meeting went well Sarah x

Thanks Bryan, it’s still early days but the future for me, my son and partner does look bright. As for other family relationships....I suppose time will tell. My healing will take much longer.

Glad to here you’re taking your family to winter wonderland...it’s magical.

Thanks leebee,

I went in to the session and the first thing I said was “today I shall not cry”. My previous sessions have been very emotional and yesterday i didn’t feel I wanted that. So we sat and talked about all the positive aspects to come from me facing my addiction head on. My partner, my son, my dad, increase in money despite dmp, future goals and aspirations, my health, the perosn I am under the addiction.

I walked out with a sense of achievement. I know I’ve done some hurtful and possibly relationship ruining things over the last 5 years. However, I can’t change the past. I can try and prove everyday that I’m not that person anymore. That is the past, that is where it is staying.

On a deep and personal level I remain angry with myself, tormented by my own actions. Whilst in that “moment” what actions I thought were ok, what I told myself I could “fix”. Looking back with a rational head, they were unacceptable and I will always be deeply sorry to those who I have caught up in my mess. I am a better person than those actions. I intend on proving this for the rest of my life.

Hi . Thank you for your post on my diary . It’s given me a boost . It doesn’t matter how long you have abstained for , you still appreciate support . With your guilt at the moment that’s natural . To move forward properly you must write off the past otherwise it will hold you back . One of the things I learnt is that you could never gamble again the same after making this pledge . It would always be with remorse so it’s not worth going back to it . Try not to focus on what you lost or what you don’t have or did or didn’t do . Focus on the now , what you have and what you can do . Like I said it’s natural what you are feeling but hopefully that will subside . Keep going , you’ve got this

Hardest part of recovery is admitting what youve done to loved ones Sarah.Theres a bright future and a wonderful world out there for you and your family now youve taken this giant step.Sincere best wishes in not only being free from addiction but showing the world the real you. The skys the limit..

God Bless

Alwalm

Hardest part of recovery is admitting what youve done to loved ones Sarah.Theres a bright future and a wonderful world out there for you and your family now youve taken this giant step.Sincere best wishes in not only being free from addiction but showing the world the real you. The skysthe limit. God Bless Al

alwalm wrote:

Quick check in.

Thanks al for your comment. It means so much to me.

I really hope I can over time reconnect with my brother. As I know that it will make it tough for all the family.

Busy day at work today...glad it’s over.

Still gf!

Hi love...
It will all work out.....in time...
Right now you're doing so well...you're not gambling...you're engaging with hubby and son. ..you're enjoying counselling....
You're getting stronger every day...and it's a pleasure to watch you fight you're addiction....
Xx

Day 30 gf today! What a month! Gone really quickly in one sense. The emotional rollercoaster seems to have been longer.

Feeling proud of myself today. The practical side is all but sorted. The emotional rollercoaster is ongoing.

Hey Sarah, well done on getting to a month gambling free. Don’t underestimate how much of an achievement that is. You should feel proud but yes just take it one day at a time. Hope you have a pleasant week. Scott

Thanks san and Scott for taking the time to post! Your support is really appreciated and is helping massively x

Congratulations on your first month, great achievement! Keep it going!

JW

Thanks JW!

So diary,

it’s been a busy few days juggling work and home.

Still gf. No urges.

Next counselling session tomorrow. Don’t know what to expect. I’ve done the crying till my eyes are raw, talking about the positive aspects of me being gf. Going tomorrow with an open mind.

Trying not to dwell on the past. Looking forward. Still difficult not speaking or seeing my brother for over a month. Never not seen him for this long. Missing my niece.

Me and partner are doing as well as I think can be expected. He remains supportive.

Feeling apprehensive about how well I am doing. Waiting for another blow to life. Feel like I don’t deserve to have a laugh at work or smile with a family member who doesn’t know. Wanting to move on but don’t want the people close to think it’s not on my mind or seem complacent. I’m rambling now! I know how serious my addiction is. Don’t want to go back ever!

Taking life one day at a time.

Dear diary,

Day33.

I should be sat in my counselling session now....but my counselling has been cancelled. The Councellor is not well. When I received that text this morning I felt deflated. I didn’t know what to expect from my fourth session but was open minded and willing to talk. So since the school run I have been here on the site reading and taking in strength from the great posts on here. Some people seem to have such a way with words....I feel encouraged and gain strength from reading posts.

I have no urges to gamble today. I’m still feeling drained from the last 33 days. So tired with work and life and not in a negative way. Just focusing my efforts on other things.

Going to take my gran out for a few hours and spend some quality time with her. I owe her everything. She took me in at 16. She fed me, clothed me, cared for me and protected me. She is an amazing women who in the past I have lied to. She doesn’t know the truth. She is the one person other than my gravely poorly grandad who doesn’t know. It would be too much for them. Her love and kindness is second to none. She makes me laugh and today I need a laugh.

My addiction made me a person who I don’t recognise and now the fog has lifted I realise I never want to be “that” person again. Under my addiction I’m not a bad person. I will strive to be a better person.