My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

Well done Sarah! We all know on here what huge leaps you have already made... there are many people out there who are yet to see the ligh and are in that ‘rut’ we were all in only days ago. I too feel free and so much better for all the above you mentioned, as well as being honest to my loved ones and myself, which is more important than anything. Keep it up as you are doing so well 🙂 xxx Kaz

62 days gf,

Just checking in. At work on nights.

No urges as such - positive! Went to counselling wed. Still finding that a huge help. Someone to talk to without judgement.

Plod on Sarah im over the moon with your progress. Determination and grit will see you through your journey. It aint easy but you can do it.

Stay Strong

AL

Day 63 gf,

Today has been a busy day. Finished nights, minimal sleep, so much to do, so little time.

When I stopped this evening it made me think....how did I find time to gamble? How many things in my life did I ignore in order to gamble! How little attention was I paying to my actual life!

The reality is...a lot! My son, my family, work etc etc

It makes me angry, annoyed, sad, upset, but most of all ashamed. Ashamed that I thought nothing of sitting for hours playing on my phone and not concentrating on what’s imoortant in life. What sort of mother am I, what sort of partner, family member or plain human am I.

I want to be a better person. I want to be an excellent mum. I’m devastated at the things I have done, the lies I told, the money I spent, the debt I have inflicted upon us. They say times a healer...I really hope so.

All blocks remain, no urges, no access to bank account in place. I will overcome this, I will be a better person....one day I know I will.

Hi guys I’m scared to tell my family I’m scared my partner will leave me but I know I have problems

Hi Lorna,

Welcome to the site. Firstly, well done on recognising you have a problem. It takes courage to admit.

As for telling your partner I was exactly the same. Thought he would run a mile....how wrong was I. He has been my rock.

I’m not saying that all people would be but I found that once the secrecy was out that I could make plans and move forward. I don’t think I would have faced my addiction head on and with such drive and determination had I not told him.

Take care,

Sarah

65 days gf,

Today has been an emotional day. I don’t think having the mother of all hangovers has helped.

Today I have realised that I don’t know how to fix this mess. By that I mean the relationships I have shattered. the money will be sorted all be it a couple of years. My relationship with my partner is doing well. However, the relationship with my brother is shattered. I learnt today that his fiancГ© is arranging her hen do - I’m not invited. I didn’t expect to be. What I wasn’t prepared for was the why questions from extended family memebers. Of course it looks odd that I don’t have an invite. I feel like she is waiting to get all the family together so she can spill my dirty little secret to everyone. The thought of that makes my heart race with fear.

I was putting their wedding (next summer) out of my brain for the time being - telling myself that perhaps we will be talking by then. I can but hope because the alternative doesn’t bare thinking about .

i also saw my dad pull on to our street today - he visited my brother and then drove off. I’m questioning everything today. He wouldn’t have ever done that before he knew? Why doesn’t he want to visit me? Rationally it sounds stupid, childlike almost.

Time for bed, tomorrow has to be an emotionally better day.

no urges to gamble. The only urge I have is to kick myself for being so bloody stupid in the first place.

Hi Sarah we had a long running f**d with my sister in law . It was to do with misunderstanding addiction and my husband wanting to hide and isolate me. The problem is people don't understand addiction. It ended after many years when I had a massive melt down with their mother. Everyone blamed me for the 'problem'. When ultimately they were all ashamed and in denial. When you are the person they are all ignoring it becomes much worse than it is. You would never have known your dad had visited if you hadn't been at the window at that time. Just because he didn't come to your house doesn't mean he's ignoring you. Our mind starts working overtime. We are only in control of ourselves, we can only change ourselves. When you are stronger you will see this in a different light. We use an expression 'got your hooks out' it means when your not in a great place you hook onto everything that's negative, overthink things. Personally I would keep trying to talk, I'm a talker, let's put it on the table and discuss. Not many people are. I told my mother in law that nobody helped me. It definitely changed things. It will never be perfect but it's better than ignoring everything. Your gambling is not a dirty secret, it's an illness, addiction. Keep looking forward and just deal with today. Things will get better.

Thanks for taking the time to read and post in my diary merry go round.

You’re right in that I don’t think my brother does understand my addiction however, I shattered his trust when I took money from him. He has every right to hate me. I hate myself for what I have done.

Dear diary,

Last night I cried in my partners arms. I told him all the things that were on my mind. I took down my brick wall, brick by brick. I opened up like I did 66 days ago. Once again he was there to hold and reassure me. It didn’t “fix” anything but it gave me the strength to carry on.

Today I was brave or at least I feel brave. I had something to tell my brother. Not particularly nice news. Our grandad is extremely poorly. He does visit but I felt he needed to know where we were at. Having not spoke since that day my addiction became everyone else’s reality. I didn’t want to text him.

So I put on my big girls pants and walked to his house. He didn’t slam it straight in My face - positive. He listened - positive. He said thank you for letting him know - positive. Didn’t invite me in - only to be expected I think.

67 days gf and although I no desire to gamble I am obviously still plodding my way through the trail of destruction I have caused. One being my relationship with my brother. I feel proud of myself for having the strength and courage to go over. I tried not to overthink it.

Parts of my life have become so much easier with 67 days behind me. Today was just a stark reminder of how far I have to go. I will however continue with every breath I have. Taking life just one day at a time.

Well done Sarah. I know its hard to accept but you have to let them react in their own ways to all this. You did the right thing and thats all you can keep trying to do now. Focus on being and doing the best you can everyday and its all you can ask of yourself. Its still early, we have lived with this for years and still struggle to understand it so its understandable people that don't 'get' addiction struggle to process things. Just like you have to learn to forgive yourself, they do too.

Don't worry about whats ahead, we can only deal with today to try make tomorrow better. One day at a time.

All the best.

Thanks sjw, you’re right and I will continue to take life one day at a time.

Attended counselling session today - again felt good talking. At one point we were both crying. She is a lovely women.

Onwards and upwards - another day gf

Well done Sarah, you are doing great. Your partner is being so brilliant, it's so wonderful to hear how he is there for you. It sounds like he really is trying to understand the addiction. Just keep offering the relationship with your brother to the Higher Power. Miracles can and do happen.

Stu

79 days gf...wow!

As far as gambling goes I can’t say it never enters my head because it does. However, I feel strong enough that I never want to go down that path again. I am truly grateful for the support I have received from people on here....you are all fantastic individuals.

Over the last two weeks me and my partner have spent some lovely quality time together and with our son. We have been able to finance these times easily. Something that would not have been possible 79 days ago.

I have just been over to my brothers with their xmas presents. Very difficult once again to go over but I did it. My partner gave a wink and a cuddle when I came back. I didn’t get an offer to go in but they took the gifts and didn’t shut the door straight in my face. Still taking this as a positive.

So with two days to go. I can put my feet up and relax. My promise to myself...I shall remain gf!

Hey Sarah, congratulations on 80 days!!. Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas.Be proud of what you’ve achieved.

Stu