My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

Thank you Sarah. I know it’s going to be a long hard journey but i know I’m doing the right thing and getting the help which then will hopefully help me sort my marriage out x

Sarahs16 wrote:

Hi Charlene,

Was lovely to speak with you this evening. Always here if you need to talk.

Take each day as it comes. It’s bloody tough ride but I have faith you can do it.

Sarah

Hi Sarah

Thanks for the message on my diary. So do you use the chatroom aspect of gamcare then? I've always wondered about what it is and how it works but been too shy to take the plunge... Any info would be helpful to me!

Also massive congrats on paying so much of your debt already! That's a great achievement. Also loved reading about buying your son some football boots. Its mad how before we could exhaust money wilfully into a source of misery and depression whereas now we realise a nominal expenditure can bring so much joy and happiness to our lives and our families.

I guess we are slow learners but are finally understanding the true value of money... And the paradox is that it's too important to throw away but at the same time not so important that we must hold onto every penny and place too much importance on it.

Anyway keep going. Your talking a good talk by the sounds of things and walking a good walk to boot. All the best.

Hey signalman,

I have headed over to your diary and left you a reply.

Your posts always get my mind going so sorry for the long reply.

Xx

Day 123,

The days are mounting up!

Been working so many shifts these past few weeks and now i thankfully have some time off. I have a mental list of all the things I need to do. All the mundane stuff nothing exciting but yet I’m tired, really tired. Struggled to pull myself from nights to days so been roaming the house at stupid o clock the past few nights. On a positive, I would previously have gambled, this time I read a book.

I can’t seem to shake my mood today. I’m mad at myself. Mad that I’m tired, mad that we are counting the money this month despite knowing I’ve paid a little more off my debt, son has had more football lessons than usual, partner has bought football tickets, had four new tyres on car, had new brakes and put a deposit down on a break away in May, I’m mad that I can’t find the words to text my brother, I’m mad that we are going out on Saturday with friends and I don’t seem to have anything to wear, I’m mad that I was arsey with my partner last night for something out of his control, I’m mad that sometimes I still feel lonely, I’m mad that I only have two more sessions of counselling left, I’m super mad because I brought this pain on myself. i have questioned the decisions I have made in recent years, all the s****y awful mistakes. How ill was I, the truth is....very! What do I now know, that I will never make those mistakes and decisions again. The hurt I have caused, the destruction of relationships. Grrrrr. I’m so mad today.

I don’t know if this is a healthy mad or not. Counselling tomorrow thankfully!

Hi Sarah,

I have been reading through your diary and I think you are doing fabuluosly well.

It is natural from time to time to get angry, frustrated or upset at situations in the here and now that are a consequence of historical actions however, I am here to remind you that your actions in the past 100 odd days are what should be in the forefront of your mind. You are working towards a better life. Each day you push forward towards a better future until one day you will find yourself smack bang in the middle of a period of your life where gambling debts are either gone or insignificant and thoughts of gambliing are a rare insignificant moment of your life quickly jettisoned out of your head and replaced by feelings of gratitude that all that is in the past. Keep going. Your are doing super.

Tomso.

Thank you Tomso for taking The time to comment. I am trying to focus on the here and now, it’s just hard some days.

Time for counselling!

So for the first time since my 3rd (I think) session of counselling I cried.....cried buckets!

We talked though some of the reasons behind my tears.

It once again felt cathartic, just to let it all out.

I’m really struggling with the being kind to myself aspect of my recovery. Does this just come with time? I’m giving this 110%. I’m doing everything I feel I possibly can. Yet why does that not seem enough in my eyes?!

With only one counselling session to go I’m wondering has anyone ever paid privately and continued it?

I don’t know how much it is but it can’t be as much as i was wasting on gambling.

Xx

Hi sarahs16,

I'm a recovering gambling addict who is now a CBT/depression counsellor. Have you found the counselling helpful in aiding your recovery from addiction?

Before I became a qualified counsellor I paid privately for it because it gave me all the tools I needed to be better adapted at living life on life's terms and really helped me to build a loving compassionate relationship with myself. I found it a real effort to work on my underlying distorted/dysfunctional beliefs but change is like learning a new skill which needs continuous mindfulness and work. X

Hi walliss,

Yes I feel I am finding it incredibly helpful / useful. It has raised some painful and deep memories and thoughts regarding my childhood and the relationships formed or not formed and therefore, the way I view life and myself. Moving forward i feel that I could further benefit. I feel if I was to stop it now then I’m only a quarter or half way there if that makes sense. I’m still picking it all to pieces. Trying to learn new ways to view things etc.

Thank you so much for your comment.

Hi sarahs16,

I'm pleased to hear that you have found it useful even if it has meant that you have had to revisit the painful past. I believe that psychotherapy is crucial to recovery as I tried everything to stop but always went back to gambling. When you have a real understanding of why you think, react and behave the way you do and have the ability to change it by challenging distorted/dysfunctional thinking then you can finally start to experience peace of mind and contentment leaving no need for escapism.

Well done on your recovery journey. X

Sarahs16 wrote:

With only one counselling session to go I’m wondering has anyone ever paid privately and continued it?

I don’t know how much it is but it can’t be as much as i was wasting on gambling.

Xx

Hi Sarah,

I continued on with the counsellor that Gamcare arranged for me for about a year after my free sessions finished....I had to pay of course but was well worth it. Ideally I would have gone to GA but where I worked and my work patterns made that impossible.

Sounds like you are getting a lot of benefit from the counselling so defintely something you should look into.

Damo

Yes I agree

Ignore the negative comments on therapy. It might not help everyone but it did me and obviously helps you too. I paid for therapy and it was worth every penny. If you engage it helps address many issues gambling and non-gambling related - particularly those connected to self forgiveness/shame/relationships/behavioural patterns etc

Thanks guys for your support. I have emailed her to ask how I go about attending privately, so see what the options are.

Knowing that people who have continued it gained more benefit helps.

Sarah

o*g!

Today I received an invite to my brothers wedding! I feel so happy I’ve cried and cried!

Of all the things my addiction has caused. The relationship between me and him has been the hardest to take. This invite has given me a glimmer of hope.