My life with addiction

re the relapse post... very well said!

As a parent of a compulsive gambler I too must avoid the relapse pitfalls! We must have our boudaries in place so as to not enable countinuous relapse or this becomes part of an endless cycle! We too must stop playing the victim ... oh poor thing how does she go on putting up with all that s?*&. If we are not careful it starts to define us and we forget that this is not nor should it be an acceptable way to live.

Thank-you Dan ... I love reading your posts!

Cathy

day@atime wrote: A man approaches his friend & says. Please could you lend me some money, i cant pay my rent or utilities, i have no food in my cuboards or petrol in my car. My childrens shoes have holes in them & my partner sits crying alone most days because of our situation. The friend knows the man is a compulsive gambler & so says. I will lend you the money if you promise to spend it on these things you need & not gamble it away. The compulsive gambler replies. Oh i have money for gambling. I just dont have money for rent,food,petrol or my family. One Breath One Step One Day At A Time

Ever the life of a gambler

Doesn't have to be though. There is hope

Indeed there is tri.

Cathy you are so right.
Something most addicts arent aware of is that the people around us are trying to recover as well. They also dont realize there recovery is a lot easier than yours. Addicts are at least in control of their own destinies,where as for our loved ones recovery & happiness lies to certain degree in the hands of someone who has repeatedly lied cheated & stolen from them. A real leap of faith to put your life in the hands of someone who has repeatedly let you down. To all the partners, siblings,parents,children & loved ones of an addict i salute you.

GAs sister organization Gananon offers the same 12 step program to recovery that is available to the addict.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

I Had A Void I Would Do Anything To Avoid

Addiction always originates from pain, whether real or imagined. It may not be the reason you initially started gambling but it is what keeps you locked into the destructive behaviour.
On the surface of things i have had a fairly privileged life. No huge dramas, nice parents, never really wanted for anything material growing up. I was popular in school, good at most things i turned my hand to. But that never seemed enough for me. I always felt something was missing, that i was somehow different to everyone else, that i was special(i wasnt & im not).
I struggled to find real emotional attachment to anyone. Criticism, small setbacks, things not going my way seemed to effect me way too much. When things became hard to do, i didnt try harder, i gave up in case my best efforts still werent enough.
I believed that the world revolved around me. I had the right to be handed everything i desired in life with the minimum of effort. My response to lifes problems was always to escape in a behaviour that soothed & calmed me.
My response to lifes problems was inadequate which always meant i felt inadequate deep down inside.

When things didnt pan out the way i imagined & thought they would, it would always cause me great stress & anxiety, if i felt a situation was not in my control i was at a loss to adapt to it. When i didnt get the response from others i expected it caused huge inner turmoil. The only times i ever felt calm was when i had either made the decision to gamble that day or when all the cash had gone & i couldnt gamble anymore.

I craved attention from my parents, my friends, teachers,anyone really. Emotions werent a big topic of conversation in our house & i was a person who needed reassurance that what i did was good enough for those around me, that i was loved, liked & appreciated. My perception & how i interpreted others feelings towards me has always been a bit off kilter. I know this was because of my dislike of myself now, but for 30 odd years it seemed easier to put the blame of how i felt about myself at the door of others. Much easier to blame others for our issues than take ownership of that pain ourselves. That was what i did within my addiction, i avoided my void, it gave my something else to blame rather than to have to look at myself.

It is a scary undertaking to repair your relationship with oneself, one i ran from for decades because i didnt think i would like what i found. But what i found there was priceless & not that scary. It was just a little boy who wrongly believed that what he was wasnt enough for his parents to love.

Today i know that boy was mistaken.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

From Denial to Acceptance.

It is often said recovery is a mindset & i think there is truth in that.

I must fight this!
It is a battle i must win!
I must rid myself of this terrible addiction!

All worthy sentiments but useless if recovery is your aim rather than to stop losing money.

The focus of most addicts is solely on the symptom rather than the cause, they try to fix an internal problem with an external solution. They focus on their life problems instead of what is important which is their need to create a life where self fullfillment, happiness, love & serenity can be both received & given freely.

Your finances really are the least of your worries even though it doesnt feel like it at the moment. That is because you are in denial still.
Without a punt for a couple of months or sometimes even weeks people will soon see their finances improving but still find themselves bored, listless,restless,angry, resentful etc. Why? Because nothing changed you just stopped gambling, all the factors that led you to addiction initially still remain firmly in place.

People who dont change the way they view themselves & their place in the world relapse 100% of the time. Why wouldnt they.All not gambling will do without changing that which causes you pain will do is give you a nice little bundle of cash to go & indulge your misery & self pity for a little longer.

People dont use addictions to feel good, to get high,to get a buzz, they do it to stop feeling low, to escape the misery they feel.

So here is where the focus should be. What are you angry at. Who are you resentful towards. What is it about yourself you dislike. What is causing you pain. Focus on fixing these things & you wont need to give gambling a second thought.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Great post Dan, very wise comments,

OAU my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Dan.

Fella what a great contribution to the forum.

Through recovery I have learnt to see things in black and white, rather than the rose tinted view gambling convinced me I wanted to see.

Today I have a pretty good knowledge of what a pound note is actually worth as apose to the view that I carried throughout my active gambling life

That view was that my pound wasn't enough which progressively diminished as I let addiction warp the truth.

Recovery takes a great deal of commitment, something that compulsive gambler's struggle with, myself in action just lived for themmoment, never considered the next day let alone a week.

Gambling addiction taught me to live for nothing but feeding it's constant hunger for those pounds yet recovery simply gifts the understanding of there purpose.

Thanks for sharing

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Totally agree-great post, wise words & good advise....I've done exactly that, looked at myself rather than the addiction, and here I am, 96 days on! No lottery, no bookies, no roulette, casinos, slots, online...knocked it ALL on the head, because I wanted to change myself and the life I was living, not just for the financial aspect, but for ME....sure, the wife says I'm a grumby sod (at the moment as it's like any addiction coming off of it is awful) but the feeling of self belief, trust in myself, pride and feeling like I can contribute to other peoples success, is a great feeling. I do not wish to let anyone down, including myself!!! It's tough, but I'm feeling really proud and optimistic, this time, I WILL do it!

Cheers!

Great GA meeting last nite. 14 fellow addicts coming together in our common goal for a gamble free future. Thursday is our 12 step discussion night, but last night we decided to talk about the questions raised in the pink book instead. This piece of insightful literature talks of deviations on the road to recovery & the hidden advantages of addiction. A very thought provoking & i may add free read for anyone wishing to understand their addiction a little more.

It guides us through the process of transition & cross addictions, things such as work, alcohol,s*x,eating,exercise.
It dispels the myth of having an addictive personality.
It talks of the advantages of addiction such as simplifying decisions, not having to deal with feelings & of giving a meaning to your life.
It explains what addiction is.
It talks of how are partners may behave & react in the aftermath of addiction.
It offers what some of the solutions may be.

GA has many more pieces of wonderful literature to aid the compulsive in his or her jourrney through recovery.

Why not check out your local meeting & see what it has to offer. What do you have to lose?

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi there

Thanks for your thoughts. I value them and think you're right to promote the idea of striving for addressing underlying causes, rather than just stoping cutting out the act of gambling. It certainly helped me and seems like (with hindsight) an obvious thing which is not talked about as much as it could be.

Talk is cheap. It is not what i say or think in recovery that matters it is what i do that counts.

I spent 30 years talking a good game. Putting on a variety of masks to give people what i thought they wanted from me. Always afraid to reveal my whole self in case others saw what i saw. I wasnt a very nice person. Gambling didnt make me do anything i wasnt already capable of it just gave me something to blame my behaviour on. It was always very convenient & emotionally more comforting to lay how i behaved at addictions door.

Today i have faith in myself. I walk the walk.
Today i do things that i believe in & not what i think others wish to hear or see.
Today what others think of me is not my concern.
Today i only need my own approval.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

thanks day@atime

keep up your recovery and working on yourself

thanks for sharing your progress and helping others as you go

Recovery truely is the gift that keeps giving.

1 year ago tomorrow something happened that i didnt know at the time would enhance my recovery & strengthen my motivation for change in quite the way it has.

Claire walked through the doors of GA for the 1st time.

Nothing unusual in this, people come into GA all the time, but the circumstances of this meeting were a little strange. England were playing their final match at the Euros it was win or they were out if i remember correctly. It was talked about the previous week & it was evident most woiud be watching the game rather than attend the meeting. I opened up anyway hoping no one would come & if a few they would be regulars & we could probably quickly see if there were any major issues then swiftly nip into the pub up the road to watch the game.

No one came, i sat alone for 10 minutes quietly relieved. I took the decision to lock up when i spotted a distressed looking woman & someone who looked like he could be father come around the corner. In truth i willed them to walk on by, my wants & desires still my default setting. They didnt, they asked is this GA. I replied it was & invited them in.

We sat & talked for about an hour. I think Claire cried almost the whole time. Her Dad sat confused & concerned for his daughter. Claire tried as best she could to get the words out but the emotion got the better of her. So we talked through some of the barriers Claire & her Father could put into place to aid her in the early stages of her recovery. I told her a little of my story, gave her some literature & wished her well & that i hoped to see her next week. I informed her there were usually around 15 in the meeting & although we occasionally saw female members they were rare. I never expected to see her again.

The next week she returned alone. She explained she just wanted to listen, that she didnt want to speak in front of the others, i assured her that was fine. I have never seen anybody more terrified. So shy & timid. Confidence stripped by addiction. This continued for weeks then months. Slowly but surely Claire began to talk more, to feel more at ease amongst a group of men. As the months passed Claire came every week, other women turned up & stayed because they felt more at ease at not being the only one there. We now have four regular female members, they come most weeks because of one reason..Claire.

It has humbled me to see the incredible bravery of this women. To turn up every week when i know it must have filled her with dread to is inspiring. Her courage has given the opportunity for others an easier introduction to recovery. Without doubt the single most couragous committment to recovery i have ever witnessed in GA.

Claire i would like you to know you inspire me to be better & for that i thank you.

Dan x

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Lovely post Dan, thank you for sharing and inspiring me as always,

Suzanne xxx

There comes a moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth about yourself. A time when your whole life breaks down. This is the moment when you somehow have to choose what your life is going to be about.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time