My life with addiction

Hi Dan,

I've found the posts you've made on your diary and elsewhere on the forum interesting, enlightening and useful.They've made me think and reflect, which can only be good. I've had a different viewpoint on a few of them, but that's ok. We're adults, we don't all have to like or view things in the same way. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said. Sometimes people are not ready to hear it or they simply don't want to hear it.....leading horses to water and all that. You can only do what you can do, after that it's down to the individual's choice. But even if that person isn't able to take it on board, others reading it might. I can understand your frustration though.

As for poking with a stick... I can remember back in my group therapy days when the therapist would do just that to me. At the time, I hated it. I felt resentful, annoyed, angry, P****d off, tearful and more. I had a strong fight or flight response to it. Looking back though, it was the best thing that happened to me. Stick poking...I'm all for it 🙂

LifeBegins

Thankyou Dunc, Juuuune & LB.

Great experience guest chairing at a meeting outside of my own wednesday night. I was made to feel very welcome & the news of someone from outside coming to chair seemed to bring in a few more members out of curiousity judging by the size of the turnout. There was a great reaction to the things we talked about & some of the members there made time out after the meeting to come talk to me & make enquieries about maybe coming down to attend a meeting on my home turf. Another affirmation to my soul that when i give something of myself away, make an effort, i always get so much more come back in return.

The following night back to my own local meeting in Gloucester. A new member turned up with his wife & dog(that was a first). Another tale of lives wasted & taken to the edge of ruin. We spent time talking about him & then about some of the practical things he could put in place ( not easy as he was partially deaf, but we got there)to help stop the gambling so he could be in a position to begin logically thinking about the real job of life changes he would need to work on to continue his abstinence.

For the rest of the meeting we continued our work around the Steps. Two questions discussed. What are our goals? What feelings were we able to express or avoid through our gambling that we struggled to in our regular day to day lives.

The goals question was met with answers such as just to be happy, to get some balance into their lives, lots of realistic goals around work & personal life.
No mention of anything material or of bigger bank balances or even of never gambling again, just a desire that tomorrow can be a happier day than today. It was nice to hear that the message of our room is getting through.
That money & gambling are the two things that need very little worrying about if you aim to get well.
That both are merely symptoms of your disease & that once you begin to work on what made you sick the side effects take care of themselves.

The feelings question was initially meet with downcast eyes & shuffling feet but once someone started & allowed themselves to be vulnerable wow did the floodgates open.
Anger, hopelessness, resentment, inadequacy, envy, intimacy,rage, happyness,escapism, joy, self loathing, justification, hope. In fact every emotion imaginable was bought up. This just goes to show why addiction is so appealing to many & why it is difficult to let go of it as a solution. If the only way you can express those feelings is within your addiction then you will always find it difficult to not to return to it in times of struggle.
How do we go about finding ways to set ourself free, to find a place & a way we can happily & freely face our feelings & feel comfortable to share them with others when the need may arise. Well thats the quest of recovery isnt it i suppose. I have found it in the rooms of GA & more importantly in the 12 step recovery. Others may find it in the offices of trained professionals. One place i have never seen it is in isolation & dishonesty. I have never seen it those unwilling to change or try new things. I have never seen it in ego or arrogance.
I spent 30 years looking for it in those places & kept looking again & again under the same stones for the answer. Why look in places you have already done so?
Well i knew what i would find there & could deal with it, but to look in places where i wasnt sure what i would find filled me with terror!
Take that chance, start lifting new stones, there is something that will set you free under one of them.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi Dan,

An awesome post! Really get your message across and feel like i have already lifted many stones in recovery. I guess i was just looking for something what wasn't there and a new fresh approach in life is definitely needed. Trying/challenging yourself/ opening new door and embracing the unknown. New focus and diversion is needed to help my emotional state to find peace and clarity on things.

You are right, why to look at places you already done so? Hardly miracles happens there huh.

Thank you for your inspiration, really helped me to see so much good in this journey ahead ☺..and just what I needed to read before visiting scary dream land..which is not scary if i keep working at it one step at a time ☺

Take care and warm wishes to mrs day@atime 🙂

Sandra x

Really appreciate your strong posts Dan, they really do help me to understand this horrible addiction.

Have a good gambling free Sunday.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne & Sandra.

O dear, i seem to have upset someone! Us addicts are such sensitive souls. If someone isnt stroking our egos, telling us how amazing we are for not indulging our behaviours for a few weeks or months our self pitying victim mentality starts crying for soothing attention again. Such childish behaviour. I cant get my own way or someone says something i dont like. So the toys go out of the pram. I hope the person who took such offense at a not even particularly hard hitting post puts as much energy into getting the help needed as they put into spending hour upon hour of deleting all their posts yesterday in a fit of resentment & anger.
I just gave an opinion(i thought that was the point of forums) of what i had read. The author could choose many adult responses to that. Ignore it. Accept it. Have a mature conversation about it. Or they could deal with it in the same manner as they have dealt with most things. Sulk, play the victim, throw a tantrum.
We dont all have to agree with each others views. But why can we not discuss things without folk over reacting & taking things so personally. Isnt talking honestly & openly a great way of dealing with our issues.
There is a lot of sweeping things under the carpet evident on this forum. Denial & escapism still very much the drug of choice.
Phew jeez....

Thanks HL
Yes i agree. Most thread titles should be headed.
You dont understand its harder for me!

I do know how difficult this is. I have lived it. Lots of people on here really trying to change their lives, some being successful, some not. Must be really difficult to read the half hearted commitment from some for you, having seen the destruction from the other side.

I'm not even sure people on here are even sleep walking into the next disaster...This forum opens our eyes to the dangers & still people keep poking the wasp nest!?! To say I was shocked @ the response to your post is an understatement, I really thought/hoped (but not in a horrible way) it must have been a slip & the explanation hasn't really helped my disappointment that it was possible to do what was done! I was in such denial B.R. (before recovery) that I barely lifted a couple of stones before I was set free by these Online forums...I dread to think where I would be now if I had just stumbled across pages & pages of deleted posts!

Thanks for keeping it real Dan - ODAAT

Hi Dan,

I really wished my son wasn't in denial and used this forum, and had the opportunity to use your email address,

Thank you for being you, and thank you for watching over all of us.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Dan.

Sadly my son is still borrowing, spending all his wages, etc, so the penny has no way dropped yet, but he does not do it to me anymore, he isolated from me, until last week, he rang me on two consecutive evenings going, sounding positives, but am extremely worried about him as he is extremely depressed, and that mixture with alcohol and gambling is why.

Thank you my friend,

Suzanne xxx

Hi Dan,

Thank you so so much for your lovely post. I took so much out of it and you extending your hand is really heroic thing to do. I am so appreciating you overlooking my shortcomings and seing me for who i am....slight ray of potential in this world..for that i am unbelievably greatful.
Today was very bad day to start with. I lost belief and i wanted to quit recovery all together. I even said to one special person to me that i am not ready for recovery. I wanted to hurt myself so so much..what i failed to see,is that way i would hurt others i care for..this forum, the challenge, my relatives, my friends. I had a good think of what i want from my life and what can i change. With so gentle push (and a little tantrum) from June i made a choice to go for the unknown and grab for life and recovery with all my strength..i still have that determination..i want to succeed..i just lack of confidence and patience..something essential for us CG's.
I am gonna push through..i feel i opened new door today to tackle the both above..i challenged myself to something unbelievable and followed my dream..the dream i was scared to face for more than 16yrs....only cause i thought i am no good at reaching for it and deserve only bad things or being treated like dirt...well..no more!

I thank you once again my friend. I shall get in contact with you shortly and we will go from there ☺

Plz no sticks ☺

Sandra x

Good morning Dan,

Thank you so much for your kind supportive post on my diary. It really is most appreciated.

I have just read all your posts on your diary, back to 5th of August (took me a while, but hey I'm just sitting here in my hospital room!) to catch up a bit with your journey. I have found them all so inspiring, and agreeing with your total viewpoint, especially the points you make on both relapse and perspective.

How enlightening my last few hours of insomnia have been! Thanks so much for sharing with us on here.

Keep strong

Ade

Ps: .....oh yeah, you're spot on about my Spurs too! .....I will avoid watching them for at least a few weeks!! ;0)

Morning Dan

Thanks for your advice, very much appreciated.

I spoke to both of my sons when I started recovery, about my gambling addiction, I had to, for their sakes, and it is still ongoing with both.

The younger son (that lives up here ) bets or says he does 🙁 once a week on the football,) and he is adamant he does not have a problem like me, he does it for entertainment, but I do keep telling him about the danger of it becoming addictive and therefore self destructive, but at this time because he always has money for holidays he has saved up and paid for a very expensive hol in the Dominician Republic) for him and his partner, and he only came back from Spain a few weeks ago taking LM as well. So I think he has directed his hard earned to having hols and new stuff for his home at this time,lol.

Older son who lives in Essex is another kettle of fish, so to speak, I don't have as much contact with him, or see my other LM as they are 200 miles away:) and his gambling is more serious, and it is mixed with depression and alcohol not a good combination I know.

I have spoken to him in detail about what I did and how it progressed to me lying, stealing and getting into 20000 plus debt, and how it controlled me 24/7 , but it goes through deaf ears, he says he is depressed, needs to drink every night and wants to gamble every weekend, I think him being so depressed worries me the most, but that with the combination of the other two is not good at all.

He has gone to the Drs and has been on the sick with depression and anxiety at least 3 times this year alone.

Also he is very very high or very very low, he has no stability with his moods, have spoken to him face to face and on the phone, til I have been blue in the face, to no success, he phones me when he is feeling very high, and when he is very very low,

The combination of all 3 triggers each one off, like going round in a circle,

All the GP does is give him more antidepressants, he doesn't drink for a week then, but he doesn't go to work either 🙂

Hoping to be going down there in the next couple of weeks, to see them all,

Thank you again for your advice and yes he does not like me talking about his gambling,or drinking and it does cause friction between us, but I will persist in trying to get him to see red, he knows he has a drinking problem but he insists he does not have a gambling problem I know different :0((

Suzanne xxx

So big night out tonight my GA groups quarterly social gathering. A bunch of socially anxious individuals meeting up for a few drinks a natter & once the alcohol kicks in no doubt sharing some new truths about themselves. It does tend to get a little messy towards the end as addicts we tend to have trouble in knowing when enough is enough. But bonds will be strengthened, deeper friendships will be forged & it will give all those that attend a better chance of reaching out if they need help. Some will no doubt cry off, some will need a drink to calm themselves before arrival, but hopefully all we gain something from the experience.

Now some may think whats this nutter talking about, your all just going for a few pints! Well situations like this used to terrify me. What if people dont like me.
What if they find me boring.
What if they dont laugh when i think iv said something funny.
What if they judge what im wearing.
What if they disagree with an opinion of mine.
What if i disagree with theirs.
It was an absolute minefield for me. Not knowing exactly how social gatherings would pan out. I hated the feeling of things being out of my control. I would go out with a script it my head of how things would be & when the cast didnt follow it, it would cause huge turmoil & anxiety. I struggled to adapt when things werent going how i thought they would.

Very often i would get drunk or take drugs before going out to calm myself. So as to feel funnier or more interesting. More handsome & entertaining. The results never worked out that way. Sometimes not even making it, just sat on my couch alone, drunk & wasted. Sometimes i would make it & be obnoxious to all around (always best to give them a reason not to like you than risk judgement on your true self) or be throwing up in the corner after a few hours.

I have rarely seen an addict comfortable in their own skin. This is what makes recovery possible. Learning to like yourself. Accepting that what you are is good enough. If you can stop judging yourself then you will no longer worry what others may see.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi Dan,

Hope tonight was the night to remember and you had a good time ☺
Anxiety is main problem for many of us CG's as i noticed.
Just so happy for you! You found your way in recovery, you looked inside yourself and worked at ur problems so you come out the other side...over 3000 days free from destruction, that speaks volumes!

I guess you don't like praise and all that, but i think you deserve it ☺ so just for today..only for the second while you read this - be proud, you made a difference 🙂

Keep making the right choice

S x

Great post as always Dan, can relate to the lack of self worth and confidence when going out, and of course a couple of drinkies before going out ( but it is what we females do whilst getting ready lol)

Sounds like a good night was in store, hope you had a lovely time,

Suzanne xxx