My life with addiction

Hi Dan

Thanks for asking after me on my diary. I think I'm alright in 'actual' life. Highs and lows, stressses and tiredness of having a baby but generally good.

However, I totally acknowledge that I have been frustrated and too direct. I never thought I'd see the day when I would tell a fellow addict to 'man up'. But hey, I did. I'm obviously just losing any kind of restraint - it's not that I'm wrong to think these things, any of my comments I privately stand by, but that it's not really on to say these things on a forum so I hold my hands up.

I think I'm having a sort of Gamcare crisis - in terms of what my role is. I quite often wonder what the point in me posting here is. I can see that my attraction to this forum is partly compulsive - it's just something I do. Like I used to gamble - but relatively benign and potentially positive. I'm not using my diary as an actual outlet so much - because I don't need it. I talk to people about my feelings. I'm not really in the pure 'helper' category either. I stopped posting for a while and it felt good to disconnect from all this. I think more distance and moderation is needed.

Hope you and your family are all doing well.

Louis

Thanks for your post Day, I wasn't being accusatory....in fact I am thankful, because it has made me think. The written communication is so difficult, for as you say it completely lacks the non verbal language that we have face to face. Do you have peace and serenity? Do you ever get tempted to revert to old ways?do you have hobbies? Who are you?

Ok, so steps 2 and 3... This higher power. can you share your understanding? I've wanted to believe in God, I've wanted a faith, did a Theology degree because I wanted to understand. I didn't want to suspend logic /rationality to have faith. I've used the word 'want' a lot in that paragraph.

Hey

I'm not sure I agree. I think you can change things on here. I say that because I picked up a lot from noticing interchanges and learning who was/n't worth following.

I came here genuinely without a clue about addiction. But learnt who was worth paying attention to.

You joined after I'd stopped gambling for quite a bit. So I don't credit you with my abstinence directly, but I would credit you with having a fairly direct impact in terms of broadening my wider view of addiction and 'recovery' (which is far more important than not gambling). Of bringing a confident approach which offered far more than mere abstinence -there really wasn't anyone speaking with authority from that angle before.

I genuinely do not derive any pleasure from being 'direct' with people who I think need plain talking to. I find it really boring and all you normally get is a shirty response.

But that's not surprising cos people feel under attack. The question is, does stuff sink in? I look at myself and when people have said stuff that cuts me - I fought back because I hurt. Because the truth hurts. But seeds are sown even if I resist.

I presume that there's sometimes a delayed positive effect. But I might be wrong.

The other potential benefit is the promotion of good practice - the idea that there is a 'market place of ideas' and that good thinking rises to the top. This is one of the moral arguments which justifies American free speech principles.

In this sense, it's less about the person I'm directly addressing but about the spectators.

Take my recent issue I bang on about - the 'fact' that secrecy in addiction doesn't work. This is a really important point which needs to gain universal traction.

If someone has cancer, you wouldn't recommend treatment by 'crytals' or homeopathy.

I do feel like it's almost a duty to point stuff like this out (as an experienced poster who has a successful track record).

If I'm wrong I'll stop as I sure as he'll don't enjoy this side of things. But if I'm wrong it's a matter of how I'm approaching it, rather than being wrong because we can never ever make a difference. We're all interconnected.

I used to love your previous directness - mini fist pumps galore. But I realise it's draining for you. You definitely made a difference tho.

Long post could've been on mine, no obligations.

Louis

Regarding whether it's worth both your whiles posting. I think of it like a sandwich. The day counting, good on you, how's it going, you can do it posts are the bread but a good sandwich is nothing without a filling. You two, and a few others, are the meat in the middle. Both parts are important. In the early days no one cares what's in the middle they just need something to nourish them, something to fuel them. But as time goes on the filling becomes more and more important. As does the quality of the ingredients in the filling.

It would be a pretty barren forum without you both. Selfishly, I wouldn't want either of you to stop.

LB x

Thanks Louis, Helen & LB. I will reply to all, but just wanted to answer Helen Step 2/3 query first as thats going to take the longest.

Hi Helen,
Try not to get bogged down in the wording A simple suggestion is to substitute Higher Power for Higher Wisdom. Its not about God, its just a realisation that we arent one. So here is my explanation of both Steps ( with no reference to God)

Step 2: We came to believe a Power (wisdom) greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking & living.

Put another way.
I see the bigger picture. The way to stop relapsing into self destructive behaviours is to build a healthier sense of self.

A key insight for me around the 12 Step process was that making major changes in my life wasnt going to be just a matter of saying no to bad habits.The lasting way to break those destructive habits is to have something better & more fulfilling to look forward to.

The purpose of the Steps is to outline the process of changing your life as a whole in the hope that long term, this will help you stay on track. A key part of this process is keeping your eye on the bigger picture as oppossed to obsessing about the specific habits you wish to change.

As you let go of obsessively micro managing your behaviours, as you start to look at the bigger picture, you start to feel the pull of moving forward to really meaningful change.
This Power(wisdom) greater than ourselves is the power of motivation & that comes from looking at the bigger picture.

Step 2 is about letting go of old useless solutions that seem like they should work (eg willpower or trying harder) despite the fact they have never worked before.

Step 2 doesnt mean you are passive as some seem to take it, its far from it. You are focussing on what you can control & dumping the rest.You are taking active steps to change your life.
You are making room for new solutions that might just work by letting go of the ones that never would or could.

As you do so you are progressively letting go of the old narrow sense of who you are.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power (wisdom) of our own understanding.

Notice the Step says care of & not control of.

Step 3 is the plan of action rather than the mere idea or wishful thinking we have procrastinated in before.

The plan is!

From now on I am squarely facing everything that is in the way of me feeling satisfied with my life.

The plan is practical. Im not talking about cultivating an abstract version of myself for others to view.
There is direct correalation between feeling feeling really satisfied with your life & a healthier sense of self.

In other words. If you keep finding excuses for not dealing with the things that make you profoundly unhappy, you cant really be said to have a very healthy sense of self..

So the action plan is to systematically pay attention to how satisfied you are with your life. If something is not working out, you need to be dealing with it before it deals with you.

Many people will shrug what i have said off with the answer, No big deal, thats obvious, doesnt everybody do that anyway? In my experience, no, addicts face nothing. We find many way in which to find excuses, to avoid facing our lack of satisfaction in many areas, this always festers into a sense of guilt & shame & so on. This is how the majority stay stuck in their self imposed cages.

Step 3 really is about beginning to fix your life. You cant do that if youre still putting the focus on your life problems.

I said to you before Helen.
Step1. Identify the problem (not the symptoms)
Step 2. Accept the solution. (it isnt what has never worked before)
Step 3. Begin the process of carrying out the solution with action.

In answer to your first set of questions Helen.

Do i have peace & serenity ?
I am at peace with myself certainly after 30 years of hating myself , i did the only thing that could ever work. I ripped it all up & started again. Serenity would be for those that know me now to answer.

Do i get tempted to revert to bad behaviours.
No. I believe at my very core that addiction will kill me if it returns. Gambling is only the beginning. Do i believe im immune from relapse? No. Which is why I continue to work on myself each day.

Hobbies. Im fascinated by psychology & addiction. Its been my passion for the last 10 years. Helping other addicts in real life is the one thing i was always built for.

Who am I.
Im the perfectly imperfect person that i always had the potential to be. l make a difference today. Thats something im proud of. Addiction took me to a place i had to go if i was to ever become the man i could be.

Thank you Dan ....I need time to digest....will be back to you.

Hi, Dan,

Thanks for asking but actually I seem to be relapsing back to Day 1 and focusing on what he's (not) doing instead of what I need to be doing. He's still clean but as dry as ever.

Hope all is good with you, sounds like it is.

CW

Hi ...love posts 894/5
Can totally relate to it all ....and feel that's how I'm living now...could never translate my thoughts and feelings in such an articulate way...I'm better at pulling pints ! Lol
Thanks 🙂

Thanks for all of your posts, they've been extremely helpful in knowing I'm not alone in this toxic lifestyle. I was sacked Friday and felt heavily mistreated as I was really enjoying my new role and was doing well in it. I was dismissed due to needing to get of one night after staying nearly an hour over my contracted hours. My boss bucked up and said you must stay until the work was done which I did but dismissed me in the morning and paid me my months pay check. I've gambled it all away now on sports bets and I'm ready to rip up everything and start over again. Today I'm here to admin that I've spent the pass few years developing into a compulsive/problem gambler and it has to stop today. I'm better than this and I must start moving away from this. When I gamble the feeling of excitement/anxiety rolls over into other aspects of my life and it's so draining. It isn't fun at all and I fell into the trap ever more when I was at my most vulnerable point. Today I'm moving on and starting to construct my life from the ground up. I'm leaving this debilitating addiction behind and moving towards a brighter future.

Kudos on the milestone tomorrow and big tens coming your way x

10 years you big hairy headed softie...Go you 🙂

Congratulations Dan... keep paying it forward!

Cathyx

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