My new diary by kyle the CG

45 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

Happy gamble free new year to you all!

Quick update - i have not been able to gamble as full control of finances have been given to my parents. I did have a few urges before but there was nothing i could do about it. Cold turkey, basically. The barriers i put in place, ie cancelling my betting accounts, self excluding etc have worked. Of course the despicable gaming industry have missed me so much they have done everything they can think of to get me back. From text and phone bombardment to even sending me a john lewis hamper! I kid you not. £65 worth of christmas cheer. Well that has made me even more determined.

Clearly i havnt been updating or coming on here. I have been quite depressed really. Even though im doing so well. I think the new year has given me a positive outlook though so im feeling better.

My financial arrangements are simple. My wages go into my account which my mum controls. All bills are paid and my mum puts £50 into a seperate cardcash account every friday for me to live on. Once a month she sends me a £100 gift card for a supermarket (every little helps) so that i buy food. This is working! All the while i will be building up a healthy savings account. After 6 months we will review it. Although i probably wont want control back then as id be terrified of blowing it again.

However, i have had no urges for a long time. The depression ive been through is a mix of loss and shame. Hopefully ive come through the other side now. My target of 100 days gamble free is closer now than i thought possible. Once im there im sure i will have finally won

Best wishes to all of you

Kyle

Kyle - thanks for the reply mate.

Finally...someone who has hit the nail on the head! I want to not having a compulsive gambling issue...not to 'not gamble'. That's not to say I want to gamble...because obviously I know I can't...but I wish I had the choice.

I really like the analogy of Frank Skinner's view on Alcohol/ics.

When two people are in a room and the horse racing comes on the TV - both people fancy a punt. One is a CG - the other just a guy who fancies a punt. Time drags on, something happens and neither of them have a bet. The irony for me is that there is no problem for the guy who fancied a bet. But the CG now has it on his mind...I COULD'VE GAMBLED THEN, THEN WHERE WOULD I HAVE BEEN, I WOULD'VE NOT STOPPED AND THAT WOULD'VE BEEN DISASTROUS, I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR EVEN CONSIDERING IT...

If you constantly re-confirm that you 'cannot bet because you will lose everything etc'...then it stands to reason that if you bet you will lose everything...because you've spent X amount of years telling yourself that!

If I spent the next twenty years telling myself that if I had another drink of lager I would kill myself...then in twenty years I had a pint of lager...I would probably be forced, by the very nature of the emphasis placed on it, to kill myself.

It's the very worst of self-fulfilling prophecies and that's why I don't like, for me, GA. They re-enforce your inability to control gambling to such a point that, heaven forbid, you relapse...it's almost impossible to not self destruct!

I like your think Kyle. Neither men in my analogy above had a punt that day; but the 'recovering CG' (who by some people's definition is ALWAYS recovering) is plagued by even having the thought. It's just awful.

I read a post on here from someone who regularly goes nine months without gambling, then blows £500, then feels awful..logs on here...and goes another nine months. First I thought...what's this guy on? That doesn't sound so bad to me. But after reading more deeply I can see that those nine months are not 'happy gamble free' months...they are a battle...waiting for the next 'slip'. Lose the labels...that's what I say.

I'll leave you with this thing that my mate at Uni told me. She visited her Nan one morning. It was 11.30am. When my friend entered the house she found her Nan sat in the Kitchen. On the table was a tumbler and a litre of Whiskey ready for supping. "You ok Nan?" she asked noticing her elderly Nan's hand was shaking quite badly. She nodded. "Starting early aren't you?"...she asked her Nan. "I am not!" she exclaimed. "I'm not having a drink until 12 o'clock. That's when I eat my lunch. There was man on the TV last night who said those who drink alcohol in the morning, or before their dinner are most probably alcoholics..."

Matt

Day 16

47 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

Going out today into SOHO for a few drinks.

Worked out that 27 february will be my 100 day gamble free day. I need to plan the celebration. I am definately going to buy myself something nice ..... Lets see, i would normally have lost around 6,000 in that time so 10% should do it. What can i buy myself for £600 lol

Its a nice thought isnt it

Stupid gambling

Kyle

Hey Kyle.

Thanks for your post on my diary.........So sorry to hear of your slip mate, but as you said 'that's in the past'. I was annoyed at my slip, but yeah it's in the past....behind not forward!!

If we keep gambling we just do more losing.

I feel for those people who fall for BabsW and her ilk. Lets' hope we don't read too many stories in the coming months.

Your mum? She is solid gold mate, what a great lady!

Managed to get a little more of my gambling debt mountain on 0% so it will hopefully come down quicker.

Payday in a couple of weeks, so another chunk to be taken off.

I'm feeling a little better about life and am seeing a feint glimmer at the end of the tunnel.

Best wishes mate

TC

This is the start of DAY 49 gamble free

Saturday is day 50!

Im half way there and things are very positive

So sorry ive been a stranger though.

Wishing all my friends a gamble free 2011

50 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

Well i told one of my best mates from back home last night. Told him the truth about my gambling. At first he didnt get it, but slowly it started to dawn on him what ive done to myself. I have only seen him about twice in the last 3 years and not returned a lot if his calls/texts. We have known each other since we were kids.

PETE - I know there is something up with you. I dont care what it is just tell me

ME- ive just been a bit depressed mate im better now. Really i am

PETE- listen kyle if you dont tell me i will jump in the car drive 7 hours down there And kick your @ss

ME - ok mate. Im a compulsive gambler. Ive been bad for the last few years

PETE- what else?

ME - what do you mean 'what else'?

PETE- i know you like a bet mate and i knew you were a bit bad with it, but thats not it. Now tell me what it really is!

ME - im a compulsive gambler mate!

PETE- is that it?

ME - what the f**k do u mean peter? Is that not enough for you. Nearly every month for the past 6 years i sit up on payday till after midnight waiting for my salary to go in. Then i gamble it online till its all gone. Then i scape myself through the next month by taking payday loans. I lie to everyone. I dont go out. Never have money to buy anything. Feel like a total loser. Am depressed and embaressed. Hate myself every day. And am unable to stop.

PETE - f@cking hell kyle! I never knew it was that bad

ME - neither did i mate

PETE - i mean i knew you gambled. But in the last few years youve really changed. To be honest i thought that you might have been ill. I thought you might be dying of a terminal disease (laughs nervously)

ME - ha! Am i not? (sarcastic as ever)

Long silence

PETE - your the smartest guy i know kyle. When you got out of here, got that job in london. I was so proud of you. That time i came to see you and you took me out. Man i thought you looked so at home there. Like you owned that town. Im stuck here in my sh!tty job. 3 kids and rent arrears. Youve got the life of a f@cking playboy. What are you playing at? Dont throw that away. If you ever gamble again im gonna drive down there and kick your b@lls wee man

ME - (choking up) fanx mate

PETE- in fact im gonna come and kick your b@lls anyway ..... What are you doing first week in february? ......

Sounds like you have a good mate there Kyle.Dont let him down.Stay strong you are doing great Jeff.

Hey jeff

Yeah your right he is a great mate. And i wont let him down. For one thing he is 7ft tall and i really dont want him to kick my @ss lol

As embaressing as it is though, the more people who you trust enough to tell the truth too, then the more people you will let down if you gamble again. When it was just me! I justified it because i hated myself anyway and i hid it from others. Now the more people that know then the more people who i have to apologise to if i fail. Im in such a lucky position and for the first time in a long time - i realise that

50 days gone - 50 to go till my target. Do you know what? i feel brilliant today!

Hi Kyle

I read all your chapters mate and i feel like iv learnt a lot from that mate!

I know you changed your mind on the horse and ended up losin but not meaning to say this the wrong way i wish i had lost like you the first time i had bet. I feel that because i won the first time thats what got me hooked!!!

Your friend sounds like a very decent person and uderstanding!

Iv got a close friend that im sure would give me the same sort of support as your friend but i haven't had the guts to tell him yet! I don't want him to think different of me.

Im very glad to hear your feeling good today and so would i if i were 50 days gamble free!!!

Keep it up matey.

Billy

52 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

Right this is all terrific;

Its my birthday tomorrow and im going out with my ex for lunch 😉

Ive been offered a full and final settlement to repay my debt - a 60% discount. Which thankfully i can afford to do because my parents gave me that money

With my next pay i can pay the balance of my credit card off - WHICH MEANS ..................

I AM NOW OFFICIALLY DEBT FREE

Tomorrow im 36, debt free, 53 days gamble free, in control of my life. Have an amazing future. Love my job. Have the best family in the world. Still love my ex. And only I can f**k it all up. No one else. Just me! Now why would I want to go and do a thing like that?

Have a happy gamble free rest of your lives everyone

Happy Kyle xxx

Hey Kyle,

First off well done on passing the 50 day marker, keep marching on towards that 100, and with the blocks in place and your limited access to money it should be definitely achievable, then it's time to double it and double it again, and soon enough it'll be a year and more.

Also, an early happy birthday mate, and it's starting to look like you can actually mean the happy bit of that as well. Next pay will see another chunk of my debt mountain, it's coming down nicely, and hopefull bonus day in March should make it much more of a hillock!

Keep up the good work mate, head on, have a good dinner tomorrow, and start really enjoying life now the debts are out of the way.

All the best

Ryan

Hi Kyle

Glad your life's turning around for you mate.

Iv had a good day myself. Went GA meeting tonight mate and i can't describe words what i felt like then and still now.

Everyone support is amazing!

I now hope to follow your in footsteps Kyle!

Keep it up and keep me posted.

TC, Billy

57 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

Joined a gym. Really nice one, but equally really expensive. However, money has taken on a new meaning all of a sudden. It has shown me all the fantastic things i could of had or could be doing had i not of gambled it all every month.

I truely have let all of that money go now. Its a fresh start, a new life. The way i see it i paid 100k for lessons in life. I have a phd in pain. And thats a valuable lesson. Now i can go on with the rest of my life in happyness. Worth every penny!

I have also enrolled in a 4 month class to learn a new language. I am loving it and it will give me focus and a new skill.

Im not complacent, i know its still very early days, but i just know i have the best chance to beat this once and for all. My eyes have been opened to the life i could have. My gambling blinkers have been removed. And no one in their right mind would put them back on.

60 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

Everything going well. No real thoughts about gambling, just a few shadows really. Felt a bit weird seeing the 4 games drawn on sunday in premier. I automatically started to think i would have HAD THAT and began calculating the odds. But i stopped myself and just laughed. (One thing gamblers are great at is multiplying fractions) didnt give it one more thought and went on with my life. Little signs! Thats all at moment..... Little signs that re-enforce my strong feelings that ive got this beat.

67 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

2/3 of the way to my target of 100 days. 2 paydays successfully untouched by the gambling industry. Too busy with life to even think about gambling. Today, i know i will not gamble.