My Recovery Dairy (Hope It Helps Some Of You)

Triggers can all be beaten! What matters here is you being so very strong in the shop & proving to yourself how determined you are with your recovery so well done you 🙂 For as long as I can remember (though not any more), I've tucked a lottery ticket or a scratchcard inside birthday & Christmas cards & the guilt of that sometimes gnaws away @ me...I just hope I didn't send any to people struggling like us! Maybe down the line you can have the conversation with your brother about why you said no & ensure that he never puts you in this position again!

Well done on your 39 days! Keep strong - ODAAT

Well done your going great the big 4-0 tomorrow. The lottery for me your fine like Dean said you never bought it I got a couple for Christmas gave them to my brother who knows in a CG not got a clue if they won but he's not gone on a cruise yet.

Your diaries a very positive one keep doing what your doing it's working

KTF

Hi all, thanks for your encouraging replys ;-)...... i thought id give u all an update on day 46! its been a long 7 days!.. i said earlier on in a post that im worried that iv had no cravings, well they decided to creep up on me a few times over the week, in my head like we all do i said to myself, ill only put £20 on the slots (online), (even though im self excluded on 100s of sites theres always new ones popping up, as we all know!)... well i signed up to one of them and decided to try the demo games to test the waters, obviously no money involved.. and tried about 5 demo games and didnt win no more than 25p, this was the deal breaker for me it stopped me from doing it for real because it brought all the feelings back from when i used to lose and feel like sh#t.. so i self excluded myself from the site and went to bed.. i felt proud of myself that i came so so close but managed to stop, now im not saying we should all play the demo games to stop our urges, but it did work for me! and proved once again theres only one winner... then yesterday i went in the shop and saw some new very tempting scratchcards one of which a £5 one i had about a year ago and won £500 on it, so that one was very tempting and i nearly bought it and was seconds away from asking for it at the till then something in my brain just stopped me i cant explain what it was or what i thought but something clicked and that was that!.. i walked out of the shop with my little boy holding my hand and i felt absolutely fabulous!.. i feel so good about myself at the minute.. i may not have no savings in the bank due to xmas and various things iv had to pay out, but i feel content and less stressed than iv ever been!... iv also got a cheap fantastic holiday to look forward to this summer and something to save for, as my brother and sister in law own a villa abroad so we only need to pay for the flights and a bit of spending money!.. life is looking good... keep strong all and u will all reap the benefits x

Dean8008 wrote: Hi just want to be normal. Thanks for the post. You are also doing amazingly well. I agree it is pretty tuff when there shoved in your face every day. Now this made me laugh the other day our local councilor put up on Facebook that for the last two months my local shops have been struggling to get by and there weekly takings have hit a low. I wonder why that is lol was it the 500 pound a week I was throwing in there till. Dean

Thanks Dean... yeah it is really tough especially with the scratch cards, there just everywhere u turn! even in places I'd never expect them to be,.. like iv said before I really think they should be hidden behind shutters like the cigarettes are, I really think this would help us..... u made me laugh out loud when u said about your local shops takings are low! It's true though, I think my shop will be a bit down too! lol...... let's keep it that way ey x

Thanks dean............................ I have a confession to make! the devil managed to take over on sunday 🙁 , i stupidly had two £5 scratchcards, and i feel so down about it, the good news is i didnt go back for anymore when i didnt win, where as before i would have, so it shows how far iv come, iv not bought anymore since then so im hoping it was just a blip, i knew my time would come as it was going so well.... when i got to the till it was hit and miss whether i was gonna buy them or not, id got all my shopping bagged up and i was gonna pay when the annoying shop boy said anything else? i know its not his fault but i really think if he didnt say that, then i would just have paid and walked out, im so frustrated with myself and even felt so bad scratching them off, i didnt even enjoy it! where as before i enjoyed it.... to me i think this is a little blip and im just glad it wasnt hundreds, im not going to start from day 1 again as i truly believe im recovering and i think it just may set me back starting from day 1 again..... i mean if u all think i should start from day 1 then i will do it, your thoughts and opinions matter to me.... keep strong all xx

Hi all, thought i,d update u all....... Im disgusted and annoyed and sooooo frustrated with myself, i had what i call a binge last night, ok i only spent £50 but its a lot of money to me and im more annoyed of the fact i let it take over (dont think the wine helped)....

It started when i was out shopping at my local supermarket, id being talking myself into having some scratchcards driving there, thinking it will be fine i wont spend a lot as i only had £50 spare anyway, then also talking myself out of it, then into it! i ended up spending £20 on them.. and on the way home i cried, i was so annoyed, but i know exactly why i did it, its because i have no savings at the moment and was trying to win some savings! ridiculous i know... im so impatient and want lots of money saved now! even though i know i can have quite a few grand saved in the next 6 months i still cant help but want it now!...

Later that night i drank some wine and ended up spending another £30 on the online slots ( yet another new company!), i believe if i had, had more money in my account i could have spent a lot lot more!......

Money causes a lot of arguments in my house, as i am constantly stressing about it, i just wish i could chill and think like other people.. i just wish i could be thankful that iv got a roof over my head food on the table, no debts, i just always worry about the future..... anyway dean have u had any slips in your few months of recovery, also ODAAT have u? did u both start again with your days?, my target is 100 days and i know iv come so far, and really feel that this is just a glitch, i feel that i have learnt my lesson from last night.....

We cant win because we cant stop! x

Keep Strong people, dont fall in the trap like me! x

Depends what you mean by 'slips'...I have not had any slips exactly but have not stopped doing the lottery or buying the odd scratchcard (never spend over £5 if I do either)! I'm not a good role model but it's my piece of normal. I don't do it regularly & have actually had stronger urges in regards to this than the reason I needed help (machines) in the 1st place. I never buy a ticket if I have an urge as I think it would fan the flames for me! Maybe resetting your counter will be an important part of your recovery but I would also suggest some blocking software for home as that additional £30 could have been avoided!

I have an appalling relationship with money too! I had a load from an inheritance, didn't know what to do with it & worried everyday about it. I eventually spent it all & more on a bolt hole & have worried every day since about not having any! This was always an excuse for my gambling before & my last hurrah was a bid to increase £300 as it wasn't enough to 'survive'...Funny how I lost every penny & lo, here I am still standing! I have other 'issues' materialising since starting this journey & have just had a referral for counselling. I expect money to feature heavily in whatever road they take me down but one thing is for sure...All the years I gambled to get rich, all it did was make me poor!

Apart from willpower, what barriers are you 'using'? Have a look @ whatever you have in place & see what you can strengthen to help you abstain. Recovery is our future & we can only get anywhere - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT, thanks for your much appreciated helpful advice, I have now put a block in place on my devices, and iv decided I'm going to start my counter my journey once again from today which is day 2 of no gambling, as I feel I'd be cheating if not.. so to all of u who are reading this please don't get too comfortable in your journey, as even though I managed 50 odd days gamble free! It still managed to creep back in and take over my mind, even though I thought I was in the clear.... day 2 of being gamble free, target is 100 days, I will beat this demon if it's the last thing I ever do, and with my every last breath!! X

Hi just want to be normal:)) like the name, good positive and determined post, to help you move OAUs, the only sure way we do actually win is by abstaining and maintaining, one day at a time with everything.

Hang on tight on this rollercoaster, with the triangle permantly broken, and enjoy the ride bumpy though it will be at times :))

Suzanne xx

Try not to get too bogged down in the day count...Use it as a tool but it is not the be all & end all, what matters is that you learn from your 'slips' & slam any gambling doors shut if you find them open. I know I'm going to sound like a broken old record but have you given any thought to getting help with why you think the way you do? The pressures you put on yourself with regards to money are immense & give Mr Gamble a strong platform to keep pecking @ your head!

As Suzanne says, hang on tight, it's bumpy but after a while you really can start to enjoy the ride - ODAAT

Just giving u all an update..... well its now been a whole week since my binge on scratch cards and slots and i feel it was definitely a little slip as i have had no urges, cravings or any thoughts of gambling... theres been times in these 7 days that i have been bored and feeling down but didnt think about gambling at all!... i said earlier that i was gonna give myself a break from saving until april, but now i have a holiday booked i feel the need to save plus having no savings in the bank for me is my downfall, maybe some of u can cope with having nothing in the bank for emergencys or for a holiday but i cant..... thanks ODAAT for your wise words and comments, yeah i have had counselling before in my past about thinking the way i do (about money).. they gave me strategies and ways of coping/thinking... u see living the life i live with a disabled partner who can never work again, and also an autistic son to care for, plus an older son its hard to not think the way i do, i know theres no way out of my situation, i love my family to bits and will do anything for them but it is hard at times, knowing all the pressure is on me to sort the finances and try to save at the same time, no one could have predicted that my partner would go from being the hardest strongest working man to what he is now, and i feel its my due to help and give him the best life he can possibly have... my sons autism has our life run by a ritual he has to have strict rouitine always knowing whats happening (holidays can be tough) this also puts pressure on all of us as a family and life in general, but i truly believe that god gave me this special little boy because he knew i could cope and that i would do the best i could for him... so this stupid annoying gambling problem is not gonna win i will win for my family!!

Take care all

We Cant Win Because We Cant Stop!

xx

Back on the game! scratch cards! wish i would listen to my own advice, 'we cant win because we cant stop'

Cannot even speak to u all at the moment as im still in game mode, will speak tomorrow when iv hopefully scratched my last scratchcard!

Hey there,

You have time to post here so maybe a little chat to help you to clear that head?

Please anyone! Help me stop buying scratch cards! !! I gave up for 52 days and now it's come back with a vengeance!! Just can't seem to make my head see sense anymore! !!

Hi dean, thanks for your kind words, I'm not on Facebook at the minute, it's never been my thing, people are too nosey! Lol...

I feel I'm in a better place in my head now, I just needed someone on here to encourage me like u did that's all, I prefer to chat on here, it's my safe haven if u know what I mean.... In my head I keep thinking how much iv spent on them over the years and how much iv actually won! As u know they are the winners!... plus it may sound strange but iv found that watching people on You tube buying full packs of them and filming themselves scratching them, then only winning a fraction of what they,v spent really helps me put things into perspective... I know there's a lot more chance of me saving thousands than winnings thousands... I'm on day 2 today and decided I'm not going near any shops until I really actually need any essentials just to give myself that break from seeing them as I was in the shops everyday.. plus iv also found out that if u order your food shopping online to be delivered, u can also order scratch cards with your food!!! I mean what the hell!! Talk about making it easier for us!!! Camelot certainly know how to get there money don't they!!.. I'm taking it one day at a time, I am determined to get to my target of 100 days.... how are u doing? X