My recovery diary

Thank you Tim! I know, Justin Bieber, but hey, if it works it works! I so appreciate your support, and I know exactly what you mean reference song lyrics. I was watching the new Karate Kid film with the missus when first heard that song, and it was early days into my stopping. Since then, those lyrics identify how I feel. Just keep getting up and never give up.

Thank you Chan, yes I have considered a blocking filter but I know that is not the answer. A blocking filter will not work on an iPhone, a blocking filter will not work on my Company phone or any laptop I may use, a blocking filter will only stop one computer. I understand why people use them, but it is the intrinsic wiring in my head I need to sort. As I said in my post of last night, as a CG I know of avenues I can gamble, almost undetected if I want. However, the thought process behind the way I am tackling this is that if my head is sorted, you can put as many online gambling portals in front of me as you want and I will turn my back. So far I have, but I keep edging back and last night I could smell how close I was. This sounds odd, but as a teenager I remember the smell of an amusement arcade, regardless of where you were they smelled the same. I had that smell in my nostrils last night.

Am talking rubbish, it makes sense to me though! I cannot thank the people enough who reply to this diary - your input is invaluable. Chan in particular - you are a superstar.

Thanks again everyone - keep going, I know how hard it is but diarise your thoughts really, really helps.

N xxxxxx

You're not talking rubbish. I can see similarities with the smell of some of the bookies.

I'm sure that they ensure that they all smell the same so that it sticks in your psychological mind and make you enter them, stay in them and waste hours of your life throwing away your hard-earned money.

At the end of the day, with all those gambling opportunities being pushed in front of us with no 100% guarantee of blocks, there is only one person that can make the decision NOT to gamble.

And that's YOU!

GT

Cheers GT. Thought I was rambling rubbish then but they do smell the same. However thinking about it it's probably a comfort smell that we create ourselves. It cannot be correct that we smell the same things in environs miles apart. Maybe it is though and another tool in the armoury of gaming giants.

It's weird that I am starting to allude to these people, corporate giants, as mythical. I've been through so many stages in the last couple of weeks, maybe this is all a fairytale. Maybe I am trying to commit this whole thing to the realms of Santa Claus!!

Was tested again today, had a text message around lunchtime from my local land based bingo operator, advertising discount for tonight's session. Well my wife and I both succumbed and we went; however the push they are doing on marketing their online version was awful. Makes me realise they don't care where they take your sanity, they just want it. That's why I'm writing on here and not taking them up on it.

Has made me also question that land bingo visits are maybe not a good idea. I went a couple of years without destructively gambling on fruit machines, yet was caught out by a good marketing campaign, similar to tonight. However am not sure I can estrange myself totally from gambling.

Am in a bit of a tiswas at the moment, however writing to this has helped.

Make your own luck everyone.

N xxxxx

Low again. Bad news regarding a colleagues health at work has set the blue touch paper for the resolve to falter. Worse news was seeing a pregnant woman on a bus, drunk as a s***k, no regard for her unborn child, still drinking strong cider and smoking her head off. Why should someone like that be given the gift of life?

That's probably too much info, and people around me will know who I am now if they read this. But to beat this, maybe I have to be honest to everyone, not try keep a pretence that everyday I look serene, but underneath my legs are thrashing.

It may be a long night. However, unlike the other night, I haven't convinced myself yet of the need to slip. I had that night, but I was so tired I wasn't physically able to. And the thought of telling you guys I had was unbearable.

Make your own luck everyone.

N xxxx

Quick update. Nothing much to report, made it through feeling weak on Thursday, and in 23 hours and 46 minutes I am officially half a year, 6 months clean of destructive gambling! Taadaaaaa! Lol.

In all seriousness though, albeit am proud of that milestone, I am not the finished article. There is still months of rehabilitation to do. I recognise that now. Before the holiday I was so full of adrenaline due to that, it really took my eye off the ball. Am fully focussed again now.

Thanks for reading all. Make your own luck.

N xxxxx

6 months! Wow! I'm already looking forward to feeling this elation that you are feeling around Christmas time!

I am so, so pleased that you fully realise that you are not the finished article. The only way to beat this evil addiction is to remain completely focussed, determined and never, ever to be complacent.

Enjoy your 6 month victory! You deserve it!

GT

What an amazing achievement Cannotwin !!!

Hope you have rewarded yourself on this huge milestone.

Keep going strong hun, you are doing fantastic !!

Chan xx

Hi cannotwin.

Well done in reaching your 6 month anniversary. Stay strong. f.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I've had a tough few days.

Did I slip? From the destructive gambling? No. I don't think, but read on as many may dispute it.

I am 6 months 3 days free of destructive gambling in my mind. However, I know I may be lying. This weekend, totally untimely, my wife had to work away on Saturday just gone. She left at 10am.

Now, my definition of destructive gambling was what separates you from your loved ones. Isolated you. Well, as I had no loved one around, I did something I should not have done. I am trusted with bank cards, and as such thought I would head in to town for what I reasoned would be a quiet drink. I knew that I would play AWP's, but wasn't admitting it to myself.

Seven hours later, and very incredibly drunk, and on my own, I'd maxed the daily withdrawal limit of the card. So I trudged home, knowing was going to an empty house. It never has been about money, or the amount, but the following morning I felt the loss. It was like I was being repeatedly punched in the stomach.

Now this is the quandary. Have I slipped? Is my definition of destructive gambling wrong? At the end of the day, I was on my own, it hadn't hurt my relationship. But I can tell you, it hurt me.

Well it's taken me a few days to put my thoughts into words. I'm still thinking that I'm over 6 months clean, because as far as online stuff, I am! And I have to. And I could've gone online, as the daily max limit only applies to cashpoints. I had an amazing opportunity to reopen the demons portal on my own computer, in my own house, in the place I knew best. And there was no one there to stop me. Except me. And I stopped.

So I know there will be debate, I know I have slipped in some people's eyes, but I also know how easy it would have been to do £400 in half hour again online. But I didn't. I stopped and listened to "never say never". I can't believe the admissions I make in this diary!

Make your own luck everyone. Xxxx

I've read your diary a bit in the past and always umm and errr as to whether to reply.

Not becasue I don't want you to do well... but more becasue I don't know how much I can add.

Think today I will give my 2 cents though... and this is not me judging you... just maybe asking you to think about your assesment of destructive.

Now I understand we are all looking for different things from this site. Personally, I am on a complete abstinance thing. It scares the bajeebers out of me to think that if I ever gamble again I will be back on the road to destruction. I know controlled gambling is not for me. It would not work, I lack the discipline. And to be honest, anything that requires discipline is not fun, and gambling normally is supposed to be fun right? so whats the point?

This brings me onto controlled gambling... fair play to anyone that has the control to do this once they have become compulsive. As stated above though... not for me.

Then there is you... who wants to cut out destructive gambling. Which I guess is a form of controlled gambling.

So what do you consider destructive?

Spending more money than you wanted?

Not being able to completely control yourself?

Hurting yourself?

I only ask becasue from what you have written it sounds like even from the start... you were lying to yourself about what you were going to do. You went out telling your self you were going for a drink, knowing full well you were going to gamble. Is lying to yourself destructive?

With reference to controlling your self, you may not have started online gambling and blowing many hundreds... (well done for that btw) but why did you stop whilst you were out? was it your choice or the banks choice?

If you could have, would you have carried on?

Finally, you said it wasn't hurting anyone but you... Have you told your partner about your gambling? If not... how would she react? Is keeping secrets from your partner a healthy thing to do? Even if she is fine with it, why is it ok to hurt yourself?

Surely that is just as bad? If i sit here and start cutting myself with a blade am I not being destructive? Maybe not to anyone else, but I am destroying myself. In my eyes, the only difference between me cutting myself to hurt me, and you gambling to hurt you is that i will have visible scars, and you can hide it.

(just like to clarify I am not cutting myself.)

I'm not having a go... but would like you to consider this. If you have slipped, who cares?.. you brush yourself off and start again. It's one day in 6 months. Why make excuses now... If you justify this to yourself then you will be able to justify it again in the future. Then again and again and again. each time maybe pushing it a little further. Before you know it you could be back where you started. I don't want to see that.

In my eyes... even if i were trying to do what you were I would consider the fact that I caused myself hurt destructive. And the fact that I would have had to lie (or omit the truth) about it to my partner even more so.

How you look at it is your choice obviously. And what ever you think I'm impressed by how well you have done.

Keep well and take care.

Sorry this was so long...

So you slipped. As you said - not online. You are aware enough to know what you did and didn't do. You know more about this than I do. Dust yourself off etc. Stay strong. f. X

Hiya Start Again,

Thank you for your post. In the future, please don't umm and arr about replying to this diary. Your advice is invaluable. Whether I take it is my choice, but please keep replying.

My wife knows everything about my CG history and my "slip" last weekend. There is nothing I wouldn't tell her. She thinks I have stumbled rather than slipped. And she gave me a kicking for not posting on here for a few days after it happened.

However, she thinks the same as me. £300 in a day, whilst getting a bit P*****, was ok. It wasn't a slip. In her eyes she blamed herself, because it was so close to the anniversary and she couldn't stay. Told her that's rubbish!

A year ago I was lying to my wife about what, when and how much I was gambling. That was destructive. Now I tell her everything. No longer destructive.

Keep going everyone. Thank you f for your reply too. Xxx

Morning cnw,

It's good you can be so Honest with you wife. Id like to.think I could be that honest now, but I'm not convinced. Not sure I could put everyone through it after the problems I have caused.

And if that's the way you want to look at it then that is your choice. Id probably be a bit harder on myself, but that's just me. The important bit is that at least you have thought about it and not just brushed it aside as if nothing happened.

I am still a little curious though as to whether you would have stopped at 300 if your card allowed you to go further... It was always a bad day for me when I realised it was only ever the bank limits that stopped me, and not me that stopped me.

Thankfully not an issue for me at the moment bit still a haunting memory to realise I had so little control.

anyway, have a nice relaxing Sunday.

Thank you SA,

My wife did not know the depths I had sunk to reference the online stuff until Christmas. She had an idea, but was not sure. We are not short of money, the cash was never the problem really, but it did affect our ability to do things. The holiday to the Canaries was borne solely from me not online gambling. So an immediate effect.

I will answer your question in why did I stop twofold; I stopped playing AWP's because I had maxed the cards and had no means to continue. However, I had means to continue when I got home. The limit was a cashpoint limit - I had not played online stuff for nearly six months a week last Saturday...I could have gone online and spent 2 or 3 times the amount. However I didn't - I stopped and that makes me feel brilliant. Yes people will argue that I had slipped and it was the slipping that stopped me, however as any CG knows you chase losses. I could have chased - my wife was not here and it would have been so easy to try.

I did stop when I had opportunity to continue. So I am proud and I am grateful to this forum, and the people in it, who were the inspiration to make me stop. This was my first port of call, and 6 months ago it would not have been.

Make your own luck everyone. xxxxx

N xxxxx

Quick update. Another week has slipped by and no urges to play online. I have gambled at land based bingo, but thats where I was anyway. Stupidly however I did go to a Casino, with my wife, and even though I won, it felt like I lost. It was possibly the stupidest mistake I have made in this journey.

However, maybe no harm done. If I had come out of the Casino and gone back the following day, or more importantly had the uncontrollable urge to go back, then I would have been incredibly worried. But the fact was I was a little disappointed with myself for going there. This is why I feel am a bit better than I was. Six months ago the urges would have been irresistible - now they are almost none existant. I would have gone back six months ago, and handed back the money I won, and more, and I would have gone alone. My wife enjoyed it, but would not have joined me for another day if I had.

Basically the lesson is, if you think you can handle gambling, and it is not the gambling or the money that is your problem (as in my case, the problem was losing contact with my loved ones) then this is a dangerous thing to do. The sparks were there, however they thankfully did not ignite.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

Anyway, keep it up everyone. Am so grateful to you all.

N xxx