My Recovery Diary

Well done Simon .. you have made 6 days without gambling.

Well I wanted to take the time to reflect back on this past week. Today and yesterday especially have been days filled with thoughts of going back to gamble. The first couple of days were also the same so I guess its only the mid part of the week that I didn't think about gambling much. I made it through the week and I am very proud of myself for that. I have a different perspective towards the money I lost and I am not so bitter now. I have accepted that it was my choice to gamble it away. I know that if I'd won then I wouldn't have created an account here in the first place; I wouldn't have felt sorry for myself and I would still be gambling today and for most of this weekend I should think.

I am glad I did gamble and lose. Only this way could I have any chance of winning in the long term - winning by not gambling.

Thank you so much to everyone's replies in this first week. I was in so much pain immediately following my loss and it was at that time particularly that I need support from others, a listening ear at least. Thank you also to Peter who was the counsellor I spoke with on the telephone.

Throughout this week I have been working hard at my job as a meter reader, I have also cut out alcohol and been eating healthily. For me, when I try to stop gambling I aim to make other lifestyle changes too and so far so good. I have had at the back of my mind that this is my debt, created solely by myself therefore I need to work it off by hard work. There is no other way. I am looking at the next 2 months to pay off last weekends gambling and that's fine, I intend to do what I need to from now until then.

One of the things I need to be careful of is complacency. I also need to constantly remind myself of what gambling represents for me and dismiss any thoughts as soon as I have them. Many people post about gambling being an escape for them and for me it is no different. A counsellor has helped me see that I am simply playing out a script that was given to me early on in childhood from my father to do with failing. I won't discuss it here but it makes a lot of sense to me and I am intent on reminding myself of that every time I have thoughts of gambling. Its not about winning. In fact its always been about losing, i.e. I set out to lose as that gives me the feelings I need to confirm what the script says. Sorry if this isn't making sense and I am going off on a tangent but its all making sense to me and typing it all out helps me a lot.

I am going to install the Betfilter software this weekend or next. I have had to wait a week for my first wages to be able to do it. I think I'll be OK without it as I am feeling relatively strong today but I don't want to take any risks anywhere and leave the pilot light burning as it were.

Its great to be able to come here and type in my diary. I always thought about creating a gambling blog but never got round to it. Thanks Gamcare.

I will write again over the weekend. I am working tomorrow until 2.30pm but I am quite pleased about that to be honest. People are right when they have spoken about boredom, that's when I always gamble and also when I am drunk. Its good to be working to alleviate that boredom. It also gives me a feeling of earning my own money and having value for it as well as getting some self respect back. When I thought about my life during this past week I realised the extent of what I have sacrificed through gambling; a particular relationship when I could have been engaged in 1992, friends from my teens that I ignored, so many job opportunities, relationships with family members, self respect and a complete lack of social skills and confidence. I am now in the process of rebuilding all these things. I know I can do it. I will do it, because the alternative, which has been an option for the last 30 years is no longer an option for me.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts for this moment.

Simon.

Been emailing my friend (and gambling partner) recently so adding these to my dairy for therapeutical purposes...

Hi Nick,

Well not quite the email I was expecting. No mention of my recent loss and actions. I guess if you feel you have nothing to say about it then that's fair enough although I thought you might comment. On that note you'll be pleased (I hope) to know that tomorrow will be a week without a bet. I am back to the day at a time philosophy so for me that's a big step. I have been posting in the forum section of the Gamcare website and got some constructive replies back from others. I am putting 110% into stopping now for the rest of my life. I want to find other interests and work harder at my job with a view to changing it for something better in the near future, perhaps after 6 months or so. I have given so much thought to gambling recently and it has taken so much from me over the years.

Great news about your award for December in the office - well done. I only hope that you don't get this award every month as I have already pointed out that I think you are working too much, but I suppose you don't have many other interests and working is better than sitting at home bored, and certainly better than gambling.

I am sure a lot of course are suffering due to the weather but they'll recover and be nice in the summer months you can be sure of that. I should think only the public courses may suffer as with the private courses member have already paid their fees so it doesn't make a difference whether the course is open for play either way. Newbury was nice, lets try to play as soon as the weather picks up. For the moment I am concentrating on working hard for the next 8 weeks which will, I hope, clear off the £1,400 I lost. I am so intent on making sure that is my last ever bet. Sorry to repeat myself but I am doing it as therapy for myself while I write. Sometimes it is a moment at a time, let alone a day, and the last few days have been particularly difficult with many thoughts wanting to go back to chase my losses because I feel they owe me something. When you sit back and look at it Nick, and this question is directed to you, what is the appeal of looking at animals spinning round on a computer i.e. Adventure Palace? I have been thinking about that myself a lot since I lost. Its so childish and we have both been caught up in it for so long. Why? Those internet casinos are 100% fixed, I am sure of that now. Nick, together over the years we have lost hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I think Cornwall or Wales could be good ideas for places to go. Let me know the dates as soon as you have figured it out. Remember I need to give them at least 3 weeks notice to book. I have 6 days to take. Remember that every second week I work a Saturday and that is the case this week so you can work out when I will next have a Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. This week is tues-sat with Sunday off. Then back for mon-fri with sat, sun and mon off. Same routine every week.

I am pleased to be out of the house you are so right there. Speaking to others on the Gamcare website it seems that boredom is one of the biggest factors for people gambling.

Still snow covered area around the South West but main roads and many side roads are now clear due to constant flow of traffic. Apparently it might snow here again next week. I hope not as I don't get paid. Look out for something I posted you from work about this. Might arrive tomorrow or Saturday.

Cheers,

Si.

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Si,

Quite simply, I didn't mention anything about your recent actions as in our previous correspondence, I thought we had agreed to stop mentioning gambling once and for all. Also, I would just be writing the same words that we always write after one of us has suffered a heavy loss, so it would have been pointless. I have plenty to say but nothing would be achieved by me writing my thoughts. All that I will write is that whilst I agree 100% that you are making the right decision, the fact that the two of us will never go to Las Vegas together is a real shame and something that I am truly gutted about. Not just for the gambling, but playing some of the best golf courses in the world, going to the Grand Canyon and staying in/seeing the largets hotels in the world.

Will also just answer your question? Animals spinning around on a computer...that's one way of putting it! I guess that I just love gambling so much, that a larger part of me doesn't want to ever stop, than the part that does. And as long as I enjoy it, I'll keep gambling. I know I've lost thousands over the years, but my plans going forward are to restrict how often I play and how much I bet. I haven't gambled for 2 weeks now and whilst I feel like doing so, I'm not going to let myself until about May/June at the earliest. Like you, I'll take one day at a time.

So there we are, looking forward, it's good to hear that you are leaving gambling behind and moving forward onto new and better pastures. I think (and I hope) that in about 6 months time, so after about 9 months in your current job, you will be able to move onto something better. Not only will you feel better inside (proud of yourself for staying in the job), but also, it will look better on your cv as it will show that you are prepared to get a job and last in it if need be.

Even taking just one day at a time, it will go quickly...it's already been 10 weeks or 2 1/2 months since your birthday, so another 6 months will shoot by. Are you still doing the radio dj'ing on a Tuesday night, only maybe you could look at doing this more than once a week (at the weekend perhaps to occupy yourself).

I'm well up for playing golf and I think like most people in the office, I'm now fed up with the current weather..snow, then ice, then more snow, then rain, then even more snow and ice.....there is talk about more snow and cold weather next week, but once we move into March, hopefully things will warm up.

Today, I have booked the last few days off in March - so from Friday 26th to Thurs 1st April inclusive. However, I then realised that Easter this year is the first week in April, so if I take these days, I'll actually be off work for 11 days (Fri 26th to Mon 5th incl.)!! I can change these dates as I only need to give about a week's notice, so let me know how these sound and I'll start looking at some mini golf breaks in Wales/Cornwall - though being Easter, prices could quite easily be more expensive than normal! Good news though is that clocks go forward on Sun 28th March, giving extra hour of light in evening. Could go before Easter though, maybe Fri 26th, I drive to yours, pick you up, and then we drive onto either Cornwall or Wales, arriving late afternoon. Stay Fri night, Sat night, Sun night, Mon night, playing golf on Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues before driving home Tues afternoon. I know you like longer breaks, but being in the UK, do we want to go for longer, especially with it being April and April showers!! Always rains when we play golf!!

Not sure what you have posted me, so will wait to see.

Have a good weekend,

Nick

P.s. Have you started going to the gym yet? I went last night for the first time for weeks - my weight on Monday was 16st 9lbs or 105.7kg!!! How heavy??? Target for June 1st (so giving myself 20 weeks) is 14st 7lbs or 92kg. So need to lose about 30lbs at 1.5lbs a week - easily possible if I give it 100%.

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Hi Nick,

This is the kind of email I was expecting!

I am not sure that we had agreed as it were - it was something you said you would do but I never really commented either way apart from saying OK we can stop talking about it if you want. You've known me long enough now so I think you realise I am someone who needs to talk about things and get some kind of closure. Not talking about it makes me feel that its something we are hiding, almost as if it never happened when it did. I need to discuss it with you in order to really move on from it. Anyway, glad you wrote this email so thanks!

Looking through your email I do agree that we always write the 'same old same old' so it would be rather repetitive, not sure if entirely pointless though. You say that you agree with me 100% that I am making the right decision but you then go on to say you are gutted about us not going to Las Vegas. What would you do in my position? I can't put a half-hearted effort in can I? Either i make a decision to stop or I continue to gamble. If I am stopping then I must really stop, on everything, so Las Vegas must be a part of that. Imagine if I successfully stayed stopped for the next year, or even two, then you suggest Las Vegas because you are ready to go. Do I then sacrifice 2 hard years of giving up all forms of gambling only to go straight to Las Vegas and drag it all up again? Then what? I get home, the adrenalin is pumping and all the 'joys' and misery of gambling is once again back in my system so I start downloading casinos, bingo sites, poker sites and off it all goes again. I can't do it, and I won't do it to myself, not anymore. It would be so much more easier if you were on the same journey as me. This constant battle between us just makes it harder for the other person trying to stop. What I cannot understand, honestly Nick, is how you never reach the stage where you have enough of it? The slots play the same all the time. You know you are going to lose. You know you are going to lose more than you intended to. You know you are adding to your debts. You know you are never going to buy a home. You know you are never going to meet a woman because gambling takes precedence every time. You know you are going down a road that brings only misery, loss of friends, loss of self respect, loss of any chance of companionship and brings loneliness. You might not like reading this, you might even be having a giggle at it but are you honestly going to deny anything I have said? You know its the truth about gambling and that's why I can't understand that you still ignore it after all these years, all these experiences and all these losses. It probably hurts to accept it because it feels like someone (me in this case) taking away your biggest enjoyment and replacing it with nothing, because nothing give you the same buzz - but at what cost to you - professionally, financially and personally? I know I am on this journey alone and I know I will have to work so hard to resist temptation, especially from you.

When I spoke about animals spinning around on a computer that is the only way of putting it. Its the truth. That's what's going on and that's what we are paying money for. Given the choice, wouldn't you prefer to be the man behind that creates the facade and watches everyone pile money into making you richer, rather than the man who piles the money in making him richer and you poorer? I know I would. It's not just financial riches either, it's riches in the heart and riches in the life. I think this is where we have such a difference in personality. I can be quite spiritual in that sense. I know there are better things out there, I know that by looking for new interests and new people - by changing my lifestyle - I will connect with it all. It's part of my journey. For you it's not like that. You just want to gamble and have nothing else. I need to respect your choice and at some level I think I always have, but at a different level I have always wanted you to join me in stopping so that we could discover new interests together; find new girlfriends and possibly new mutual friends, not to mention how much more easier it would be to stop and stay stopped if we both supported each other. Going back to my previous point about not understanding why you still are drawn into gambling - what is it that you are really afraid of and don't want to lose? Is it the companionship that gambling gives you? We have been doing it for so long Nick that it's become a habit. It's so much a part of our lives that maybe we think we cannot live or cope without it? Maybe that's the fear. Have you ever thought about it? It's OK to brush it aside all the time and live in denial. Many do that in life but personally, I don't think it's a very fulfilling way of living one's life. You miss out on so many other things. How I wish we could stop together. Oh well.

I am not preaching by the way, I have reread my words to make sure it doesn't sound like that. If it does then it's not my intention. I am sharing my thoughts and feelings about the subject and most of all simply trying to understand what is the great appeal of gambling for you still, because I have totally lost it. I don't care about Las Vegas at all, I see it for what it is. It's just a glammed up place there for one purpose only, to exploit people. It's something that has always tempted me and probably always will. I guess human nature is all about being tempted and doing things that we shouldn't do, but I think there is a different type of pleasure in resisting temptation too, just like we did with smoking. You can feel proud doing that. I guess the pleasure is that its a lot harder to resist something than it is to give in, so if you succeed then it says an awful lot about your strength of character and you as a person. Nick, I have gambled since the age of 9. I am now 40. I know more about gambling than anything else in my life. That makes me feel sad saying that. I know that I will never be able to have just 'a little bet.' I have no control. If I manage to stop gambling for a short while then I want to stay stopped. I cannot go to Las Vegas at any time because as soon as I place that first bet I will be right back in it and all the demons will come back again. You know that deep down you just don't want to accept it. You'll be going to Las Vegas alone. Either that or with any new friends you might meet who want to go with you.

With regards to my job and moving onto pastures new, well even gambling comes into that too, as it does and has done in every other area of my life. I have never put the effort in when I have worked in the past because my mind has always been preoccupied with gambling. I have been so wrapped up in it all that I have never given attention to anything else. Never been able to concentrate or focus on anything long enough to be able to put something constructive in place. I want to take one day at a time now with everything in life and that includes work. I am still in work, I am grateful for that and I have something to build on. We'll see what develops. For the moment I am pleased to be able to have some kind of income to be able to pay off my gambling debts. Today I paid off £100 towards my recent £1,500 loss from last week. Its a start. It was a little painful and disheartening doing it because it was only £100 and all I could think about was the £1,400 outstanding - and that's just from that particularly gambling debt - let alone all the others. I thought about the interest I am paying and how that will affect what I pay back, its about £60 a month interest at the moment which makes it feel worse, but I'll plough through it and get it paid off by hard work. I know from reading the forums at the Gamcare website and from GA meetings in the past that hard work is the only way forward. I think that's something I have tried to avoid so often in my life but not this time. I will feel a great pleasure and sense of pride when I have earnt my own money and used it to pay off my debts. There is no greater value than that.

I am still doing the radio show at Somer Valley yes and I agree that I should put more efforts into that. Its only voluntary and a small community radio station but I do enjoy it a lot. Reminds me of my Redcoat days so I am in my element. Also have met some nice people through doing it such as Claire who you met that time. She is the sister of Maxine who I did the training course with at the beginning. Perhaps I will put more effort into that. The show has changed by the way and is now 7-8 same day. Its called Simon's Songbook instead of Redcoats Revisited but i don't think the site has been updated yet. Have you and Irmina actually listened in yet? You keep saying you're going to! Why don't you think about doing something like that? Kingston Hospital will have their own station and there may even be community radio around your way anyway. Its something different and keeps you out of the house. I think we both agree that boredom is a major factor with gambling.

Golf is something we are both looking forward to getting back into and if the weather picks up even mildly in the next month or so then we should arrange to meet up halfway like before. Did I mention to you that I might fly over to Athens to see Ian and his family for a while? I am still considering it because of cost and I am very nervous about the temptation of the casinos over their. I would have to phone them and ban myself before going to avoid any temptation. Will keep you posted on that one. In terms of the gym well I am ready to go in the next few minutes. This will be my first time for over 2 months. I have put all the weight back on that I lost but its OK. Just going to approach it slowly this time round and without putting any pressure on myself.

Well thanks for the email Nick, pleased to have got it and to know your thoughts. Will chat again soon.

Cheers,

Si.

Hi Simon,

I thought I would drag your diary up to the top!

By my reckoning it must be 11 days clean for you... Well done! You are doing really well. Its also great to see that your friendship with Nick remains.

I think your recovery will end up helping Nick in the long run 😉

Keep strong Simon.

Jackie

Hi Simon

It was a very kind post you put up on my board. I haven't read all of your diary yet but intend to do so in the evening when i finish work. I think it is very helpful and caring of people to show concern and altruism to people they have not met.

I think that it is vital that people show support to each other. Some posters may be deemed a bit of a challenge. They may not be showing good progress or may be downhearted constantly.

My own personal diary appears to be quite introspective and self-centred and perhaps this spills onto posts I write on other people's diaries. And I am mostly finding the battle is a real challenge.

Therefore I can appreciate that it may be depressing or disheartening to read some posts such as my own. So to find that someone is willing to give you that little bit of encouragement is very uplifting.

I just want to express my gratitude to you. I hope that we will all be able to spur each other on towards achieving our aim of being free from this disease.

All the best Simon

Gee

Thanks for your words Jac and 28 and thanks for getting me back on top! Actually I feel pretty good today with no thoughts of gambling, well one or two fleeting moments but I dismiss them as quickly as they come.

I am quite hyperactive at the moment, which isn't necessarily a good thing as I can't be calm and relax. It makes trying to concentrate difficult. Its because I am eating nothing but junk food and chocolate. So true when they say we are what we eat, absolutely. I did try to diet a little last week but it only lasted two days before I gave in. For the moment, staying away from gambling is the key then perhaps in the future I can look at my diet and start exercising again. Don't want to give myself too much to do in one go.

I won't be posting any more long emails between myself and Nick! I think its too much to read and I don't want people to stop posting because I get a lot of strength from that. Besides, the emails have finished anyway. They were only really the first few following my loss and its always the same rubbish we say to each other.

I won't fall out with Nick. I don't see how that could ever happen as we have known each other since aged 17 but we are on very different journeys now as I am determined to stay stopped and my friend is quite happy to continue gambling. I wish he wasn't because we could gain so much strength and really help each other, but you can't change people and I need to respect him and his decision, which I do.

I feel so free of gambling at this moment. Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that I don't have to bet for any reason.

Thank you.

Hi Simon just read through your diary - thanks for sharing what you have been going through. Online casinos are (were) my addiction also. So many out there to download / play and destory n loose. Im on day 8 almost and feeling stronger as I move along. Whats gone is gone. I can see its difficult with having your freind still gambling - we cant preach to others over how they should live - I hope you find commen ground with your freind. There is alot more to life than gambling. Keep it up mate - and keep posting. Wishing you good thoughts and thanks again for sharing (even the long emails 😉 All the best Blocked. (eyes bloodshot now with all this ready 🙂

Hi Simon

Wow! Thank you for your honesty. It's refreshing to see and read. Keep up the good work. I am sure you will help yourself and many others with your honest heartfelt posts.

Thank you for finding the forum and making that first step to a better life.

All the best

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Blocked and Charly, many thanks for your posts. Here is my update for the evening.

Well the good news is that I haven't gambled. Thank you to Gamcare and forum users for your ongoing support.

I have felt tested in the last few days. Thursday and Friday I started to 'wonder' about gambling. Crazy isn't it? The power of this addiction. I have lost so much over so many years. Not just financial but the emotional and character losses such as confidence and social skills too, yet something still wants to draw me back. Perhaps its the comfort of what you have known for so long and habbit?

Yesterday, my brother, sister inlaw, nephews and Mum drove up from London to see me here in Bath. It was good to see them but I found the day extremely stressful and by the end of it I couldn't cope. Rather than give them all a hug to say goodbye I jumped in my car and drove off quickly to get away from them all. This usually happens every time I see them. I suppose you could call it the usual family dynamics we all have to deal with but the thing is, some people are better at dealing with it than others and I personally don't have very good coping skills.

I feel safer and less threatened when I am on my own. I also feel calmer and quieter. I find Mum and my sister inlaw quite manic; add to that 2 over tired kids (5yrs and 2yrs) who simply cannot sit still and I am on the brink of sanity, no exageration.

I always feel worse afterwards because I feel I have upset them by my behaviour or have not fitted in somehow. This leads to feelings of anxiety, anger and upset which inevitably make me think of gambling and drinking to drown out the pain, i.e. escapism. That's been my usual pattern and coping mechanism for most of my life. This time round though I am determined not to give in and I am living through the emotions, difficult as they are.

What always baffles me is even though I know gambling will only ever make me feel worse in the long run I still don't care, and that's where it can become white knuckle for me and I have to dig deep and fight. I don't know why I have such a strong inner urge to want to destroy myself constantly but I do, and that's what I need to get to the bottom of and try to work through.

Gamcare have arranged for me to see a counsellor for free (thank you so much) and my first visit is tomorrow at 2pm in Western-super-Mare. I'll post again tomorrow evening with an update on how that went. Hopefully I'll have a more positive day.

Thanks for reading and my very warmest wishes to you all. Please stay strong in recovery. We know that gambling is not the answer, that's why we are here.

Simon-hope your trip to the counsellor went well.

Hi Simon

Not sure that thia will actually help you, but I can so identify with exactly what you said about being round your family, like a cat on hot bricks. Even got very defensive of it hen playing poker and we get a visitor or checking footy results on my phone rather than spending time with the people who you are closest too.

Seems to be going well for you mate, keep it up!

Simon--how are you doing. We have not heard from you recently. Hope everythng ok--please post and let us know.

Stumper

Hi Stumper and all,

Thanks for thinking about me. Actually I have been doing fine thanks and no bet since my last one when I first joined and posted here on Gamcare.

Couple of dodgy moments over the weekend when I had thoughts about downloading a casino and having another go but I got through it. The addiction element of gambling amazes me, truly. How I can think about it after all the damage I have done spanning back 31 yrs, well, I just don't know. I guess when we have periods off and life starts to pick up again, that's when we become complacent perhaps, or in my case I feel indestructible with renewed confidence - gambling won't beat me this time! Sensibly, I knew deep down that this isn't the case. If I go back, it'll be the same old rubbish starting all over again and I'll be trapped, gambling stupidly and chasing before you know it. Forget it then, not what I want. I am just going to keep going like this and build more and more on my time off. I want to become stronger as a person and understand that I can live quite happily without gambling being a part of my life.

I haven't posted for a while literally because I have been so busy with other things so that is probably a good thing on the one hand but on the other, I do need to make time in the evenings or early mornings to update my diary. I am sure that's an important part of my ongoing recovery.

Suffice to say, all is well and I am grateful for those wondering how I was getting on. Wishing you all continued strength.

Best wishes,

Simon.

You have done really well mate but be careful---temptation may be only just around the corner at any time.

Stumper

Amazing how time flies. Just checked the date I first logged on here and shared my pain. It was Thursday 7 Jan, almost one month ago. Doesn't seem like it.

I remember saying to myself at the time that I needed to work 6-8 weeks to replace the money I had lost gambling at that time. Well I guess I am haf way there. Its a good feeling, but its also a numb feeling because I know I can never really replace it. What's lost is lost. You read that all the time in other people's posts and is true. I am a great one for not letting go of the past and thinking that the world owes me something, in this case all the casinos I have lost at. Of course they don't, it was my choice to gamble every time.

I want to stay stopped this time round. I don't want this effort to be another short lived experience like so many before.

Spoke to my best friend a couple of days ago and found out that he had been gambling on some online casinos recently and lost £500 in a few hours. Bought it all back to me about the realitiy of playing but the funny thing about my friend is that he doesn't mind losing, whereas I always do. He see's it as entertainment and thinks he gets something for his money. I only ever see it as someone ripping me off and me being the mug who falls for it and gives them my money. I have never been able to get my head around my mate having this viewpoint. He's not like overjoyed when he loses obviously! But he is far more accepting of it than me, even with bigger amounts when we have lost up to £2,000 each in a night. Bizarre.

Anyway, I wish my friend could join me with recovery but he's just not interested in stopping and its not for me to try and push him too, I just know it would make my life easier if he did! Is that really selfish of me? He has debts over £15,000 which he keeps adding to when he gambles and it makes me so nervous for him because I can't see how he's going to ever pay them off. Its like watching a bad situation get worse and as a best friend I feel helpless and that doesn't make me feel like a good friend. They say in life that you can't help others only yourself and I know that's true, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. We both met at aged 17 and have gambled over the last 23 years together. I want us both to stop together because I know how strong we could be for each other. Nevermind.

So as far as my last few days have gone, well not too badly on the whole. I have worked pretty hard at my job, not put in as many hours as I could have done and initially wanted to a month ago but that's only because I start to feel so tired towards the end of the day and just look forward to getting home and relaxing in front of the TV with a nice glass of wine. I am really into Ladette to Lady at the moment, last episode tomorrow (don't miss it!) and I also love Columbo, Antiques Roadshow and Friends, most of which I record beforehand and then watch during the week. So that's my entertainment anyway!

Met a Polish woman recently and things seem to be going well with that so want to concentrate on that relationship for once in my life rather than gambling which usually sabotages anything like that in my life. Let's see how it goes then.

Did have a couple of scary moments thinking about gambling towards the end of the week but managed to get past them. It was complacency and thinking about getting my money back that drove them, but coming on here and reading people's posts has reminded me once again what it's all about. I need to work so hard not to fall into that trap of starting. Anyway, what would I be playing for anyway? It wouldn't matter whether I won or lost, its about something else for me, punishment I think. Need to ask myself if I really want to punish myself anymore? Well I don't. I want to be kind and loving to myself.

Thanks for being here.

Love to you all,

Simon.

£500 entertainment simon. . Thats almost or could be weeks holiday in sunshine mate. . Congratulations on 1 month free on sunday. . Great stuff thats what i like to hear. . Keep it goin mate. You can do it we all can.