My recovery diary

Hi Brewster180

Well done for facing up to your gambling problem and the ensuing emotional upheaval. It's great news that your family are supportive and that you and your wife are already finding GA and GamAnon useful. You are right, it's important to get back on your feet. Have you considered getting advice from National Debtline or Stepchange about your financal situation and get a plan to get any debts paid off?

Needless to say both you and your wife are welcome to give us a call on 0808 8020 133 if you need any further information or support. We're here 8am to midnight, and you can also chat to us on the Netline during those hours.

Keep posting,

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Thanks Deirdre. We will look into what you have reccomended bit we have detailed a plan of how we can financially sort this out. Family have been amazing in helping out.

On my recovery things have been better the last few days. Talking to some people close to me, especially yesterday, was good and some very good advice given again.

I had two main objectives to complete on the house and job and I think I made good progress on both yesterday. Inside I'm feeling, for the 1st time, that maybe their is some light at the end of this tunnel.

My wife has been amazing and its been tough on her dealing with this and yesterday was the 1st time we sat properly and both were constructive in our comments and how deal with this. Her reactions have made me feel better in handling this and getting things sorted.

Made a list of things to do today with her as its her day off so think it will be a positive day.

Update

Good day yesterday and spent most day with my wife trying to get things sorted on banks, car mot and housing. Having positive people and comments around me has given me a huge boost and hope that we can get ourselves out of this situation. Bumped into my inlaws in town and felt encouraged as dad was very positive in we can get out of this mess together and with focus and hard work. It gave me another boost and confidence in getting things done.

We have a buyer for our house and will be accepting this offer which ticks another box on things to get done. Had a positive response back on my job yesterday and should be getting an interview in near future. I've got a bar job startng next Tuesday which will bring some money on, albeit it small. Again I think earning this small cash will make me value money more.

On our future housing situation we have discussed the option of renting and this financially sounds a better idea and gives us a roof over our heads and gives us time to get back on our feet. The kids were extremely happy when they saw us talking and looking at houses together, especially my daughter who has already stated she has found our next house and this morning had the biggest smile on her face, which I havnt seen in a while and brought a tear to my eye.

I'm also appreciating the value of money more when I dont have any to spend. Walking through town I saw people eating icecream, having pizza, a coffee and this hit me pretty hard that I today couldn't afford to do the basics things. The immediate thought in my head was that evil gambling was the reason I couldnt and I actually hated the thought of gambling. My sister also gave an example this morning of having to survive on little money but she managed it. I truly am starting to value the simple things more.

My brothers took me for a beer yesterday and I felt really embarrased that I couldnt even buy them a drink or even a bag of crisp. I stood at the bar when we walked in and again felt hopeless for not being able to buy but also anger with myself that gambling has caused this. They all looked up to me with pride and yesterday I felt I'd let them all down but at same time felt that I can get back on my feet and start fixing things going forward.

My friends are going to start suspecting things as I'm not replying to group messages like I used to and not meeting them for things we have organised going forward. Need to get into my head how I address this.

I'm attending the GA sessions and have another meeting tonight. I do find the meetings good to share my thoughts and update the people of my progress and they give a lot of advice and positive energy that each day not gambling is another day in your recovery.

Well thats my update for today.

Update

Had a good day yesterday. Finished doing a financial summary of our incomings / outgoings for next few months and again this gave me further appreciation of the value of money and how gambling has messed me up. It took longer then expected but will be following this up with family members today.

Attended the GA last night and had a good session. The Chair person was very good and came round everyone and a big takeaway for me was to remember that you are never to far from that next bet and you have to condition and discipline yourself in ensuring you don't go there again. Listen and appreciate what your friends and family are doing to help you and don't ever let them down again. No 2nd chances.

Need to make a decision on the house offer today, so a big day for that. Selling we know is the right thing to do.

Will also be calling a good friend who lent some money and explain the situation to him. Not sure on how he will react but he's a great and honourable man who I have let down very badly. I have to face this and deal with it.

Had some positive news on job front last night and will discuss with family today.

Made a list of things to sort today so will keep me busy.

That's my update for today.

Hi Brewster,

I have just read your diary, and I think you have and are doing fantastic on what you have already achieved and changed and done so early on in your recovery,

It takes many of months to do what you have done and are doing in such a short space of time.

You are an inspiration to all of us, you said enough is enough, and you have done so many things already to turn your life around.

What determination, strength and positivity you have shown in your posts, you sure have took the bull by its horns and hit it hard straight on.

You have done some very difficult but amazing things already

Very well done indeed, be proud of what you have and are achieving. Keep strong, focused, and even more determined,

Thanks for sharing

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

Thanks for your extremely kind and moral boosting words. Reading what you have written has given me even more strength and determination on getting through an extremely bad period in my life. Its sickening when I think about how much of a mess I got into. Having a strong family network has been instrumental in my recovery and we as the victim do not appreciate the strain and stress we put on our partners and families when it comes out.

People like me get inspiration from you, especially with how long you are in your recovery. I've just started out but see you as an example to follow and stay focussed and committment to the recovery program.

Keep in touch.

Best Wishes

Brewster

Update

Bit of a difficult day yesterday mentally. Was feeling extremely low all day and my wife did notice this. Several things contributed to this I think, we spoke to my friend from abroad and made him aware of my situation, hearing my wife on the phone talking about what has happened brought everything flooding back and people visiting and again talking about why and have you tried this and that made it all come back. I appreciate that this isnt going to go away and people will talk and I somehow need to mentally be able to handle this and not go into a depressed mood. I will figure something out on this.

We spoke to our friend and his reaction wasnt a surprise to us. He's a very honourable man but had his business head on as well. He's said he will help us navigate to the other side of this tumultuos sea and he's committed to be at my side over the coming months if I'm true and honest with everything or else he will have to change direction. He has also stated he will be over sooner then later to give guidance and support and see me personally. He's worried about how the family are coping and my mental state. We will be speaking to him again today.

On the house front we accepted the offer and the wheels are in motion now to get that piece of the jigsaw sorted.

I have an interview next Tuesday and have been preparing for this and looking forward to seeing how it goes. I need to get into employment as when I'm working and keeping occupied I dont think of gambling. Also having a focus on work and doing something meaningful is what I thrive on. Getting a job will also makes things alot easier in the short term for housing, food etc as I'm not bringing anything in now.

We are going to my brothers house today and staying over. He's been a great help on my CV, job hunting and generally kicking my a*s. All round everyone has been sterling and providing lots of support. I sometimes feel I'm an unnecessary burden to them especially this late in their lives they should be doing other more fun things then worrying about me.

Yesterday my daughter and I sold online our old CD / DVD's that we hadnt used or seen in years and raised £84 pounds from it. When I was helping her input online the bar code and getting the value of items ranging from 1p to £8 it all sunk in again that the evil gambling has caused this and we are scrapping the barrel to get money in. When we entered an old CD in and it fetched £2.99 the highest value, she just burst out laughing which made me smile. We also put items of furniture on gumtree to sell and hopefully will get some responses in next few days.

Feeling more upbeat today. Have a good day everyone.

Update

Spent the weekend at my brothers as kids were staying over for the week with their cousins. Good visit and brother did some straight talking on how to control things going forward which was good.

House sale will continue to go through so we need to step up the look for the rental going forward.

Off to my interview today so fingers crossed it goes well.

I still get reminded by people of what I've done and them trying to understand it more in detail. I guess this will go on for a long period of time. Need to somehow take it on and not let it get me down like it does now. Need to remain positive.

Better get ready for the interview.

Thanks

Update

Went and had my interview for 1st job yesterday and went well. Should find out early next week on whether I'm successful. Also have another interview on Friday so a busy week preparing for those.

House sale is moving along and trying to sell things on Gumtree. Harder then you think.

Havnt been thinking of gambling which is good and really focussed on trying to get things fixed and the job part is biggest next hurdle.

Calling it a night.

Great going, selling the house is stressful enough lol, without having job interviews too.

Keep going and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne for inspiring words. Keeping positive and moving forward little by little is progress.

I had my second interview yesterday and think it went well. I'm hoping to hear back on both jobs next week.

Things are little more settled at home as well but constant reminders popping up which are expected. My wife and famy have been very supportive and I'm so lucky to have them.

Another day without a gamble.

Enjoy weekend

Hi Brewster

Hope you get good news regarding your job search.

I have read your diary and it is great you have a supportive family members, I know it can be hard when your wife is discussion your gambling with others but you have to embrace this, as gamblers we were habitual liars and secretive, in recovery we have to be open and honest and the more people that know the more barriers you have in place shoukd the opportunity to gamble arise again.

Wish you all the best in your recovery, today is a good day, today is a gamble free day.

Thanks Daz. You are completely right and I have accept and embrace my surroundings. On Saturday things were extremely difficult and very tense and the whole day was spent venting and reminding me of what I had done. Think it was her way of releasing and reminding me of the dire situation we are in and what damage this will have on the kids. I cannot and do not respond as she's right but it does send you in a downer mood and you loose all confidence and dare not do anything or say anything around her in case it's perceived as wrong and get my head bit off. This silence and non action is also perceived as bad as it looks like I'm not doing anything so I'm stuck in the middle. I don't want any sympathy but just detailing how things are.

Should hopefully find out some news on one of the jobs today so fingers crossed.

Will be making a list of jobs to do today. Clean garage and start organing things and fill some boxes will be good. Kids are home so will get them to help me.

Helped nephewbro with some decorating yesterday which was good as it took my mind of things and rewarding as I was giving my time in helping someone. Need to do more of that and do jobs where no money is involved. Part of my recovery I read and was told. It did feel good after I finished.

Not sure how the atmosphere will be this week but I will try remaining positive and focus on my list and if people feel the need to remind me of my problems then I have to find a good way of dealing with it. Being moody and defensive only makes things worse.

Anyway let's see what today brings.

Hi

Good day overall yesterday. Full of activity.

Spent the morning clearing the garage with my daughter and making space for boxes before our move.

Didnt hear back from the job I thought but from another who have taken me forward to a final interview which surprised me nicely yesterday. Sometimes I'm quite self critical and didn't think I did a good interview last week but headhunter said they liked me :). Should hopefully hear back on the other job today.

Had a good productive evening with the Mrs sorting practical things on the house out. She still had her digs but I did say to her my displeasure of the constant sniping. I know and appreciate it won't go away but had to say something.

Had alot of calls yesterday and a particular friend gave sound good sound advice as usual.

Kids seemed alot happier yesterday and I think the good news on the job front has lifted their moods. The played monopoly for hours yesterday and it was fun hearing them laughing and joking. Might take them to cinema today.

Will continue to apply for other jobs and redo CV as until I have a confirmed offer in my hand I need a backup plan.

Catch u later