Onwards and upwards

Hi Paul and welcome to the forum,

Well done for wanting to start your recovery journey, I feel you have been here before, so you will know the first few days after a relapse are terrible, but you will also know every day we abstain it gets slightly better.

I wish you the very best on your journey of recovery,

Stay strong and just take one day at a time.

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne,

This is the 1st time I have posted on here. I royally screwed up after 3 years free. This time I did the damage online.

I've got a history of depression, so im trying not to slip into that negative frame of mind.

Annoyingly we were financially secure. Now it's a mess. Keep getting flash backs of the money I've wasted, if only I hadn't done that and this, what if I walked away? Adverts for Holidays, adverts for cars all trigger bad feelings and emotions. Problem is I couldn't have stopped despite knowing what I was doing was bad for me. I had even started counselling. If truth by known if I had told my wife sooner I would be in less debt now.

Paul

Hi Paul, well done on day 2, my problem too is online gambling, I know how you are feeling, holiday adverts bring a real sense of guilt to me as i know if i hadnt been so silly we could have been to some amazing places, looking forward to a happier more positive future is what we need to do now, onwards and upwards 🙂 Leanne

I really felt you had been here before friend, just goes to show how we are all so very similar.

You have done the best thing to start your recovery by telling your wife, because now you can if you really want to let go.

Online slots was my thing, the more I won the more I lost, I simply could not stop, I would walk away, after a win, (very occasionally) for 5 minutes at the end, only to go back and lose it all, and then the dreaded chasing, then I did not leave my computer at all, until I could not get a penny from anywhere, utter utter madness.

We cannot win because we cannot stop. so there is no point.

You will get flash backs and your feelings will be all over the place, but believe me every day you abstain, you will get slightly stronger and stronger.

Try not to look back, look forward and just take one day at a time with everything, keep posting and keep venting.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Paul, welcome to the diary section 🙂

As I mentioned, it figures this would happen but your response to her change in mood sounds about right! I think taking it on the chin is a huge part of recovery & once I had drawn a line under my losses & realised I couldn't blame my mood (happy or sad), the dog, the weather, the OH, anything really, for my mess, I was finally able to start looking forwards! I knew @ the time what I was doing was madness, every time I gambled I thought I wanted to stop but went straight back the minute I could, reality was, I just wanted to stop losing! I understand that now & I get to win every day by choosing 'No' 🙂

I know telling her has been a huge relief for you & hopefully once she gets over this shock you can find strength in each other going forward! You have a lot to fight for - ODAAT

So day 3 begins. The mornings are awful. For a split second you are oblivious to what you gambling has done. Then it hits you. You close your eyes hoping to drift of again, to take these awful feelings away. Suppose that's the beauty of sleep, you could never gamble asleep so its the only true place you can feel normal.

Got a long day at work today. Partly a good thing as it will keep me bisy and hopefully my mind away from my problems. Although, the 'fuzzy brain' is not going to help.

All the best with you recovery today guys and girls.

Paul

Lunchtime and its been tough. I have filled out a form so my wages go to a different bank account that my wife has control of.

Finding it hard to concentrate. Have a general feeling of unease. This is broken up by intense episodes of guilt and regret. Sure I've got some sort of biological withdrawal I'm going through as well. Want to rectify things asap as I hate what I'm feeling. Should I try and get a better paid job?, what extra work can I do? Do these feelings subside? I never thought I would let it get this bad. That said I knew gambling controlled me and not the other way round so was I naive? Should I be surprised?

Paul

Absolutely not...I don't think I got out of bed for my first 3 days in recovery!

There are many common traits among us CG's Paul & impatience is one of them. Find something to occupy your time & if the opportunity arises to do some overtime, & it doesn't affect your home life, I would say take it but don't start piling extra stresses on yourself trying to find a better paid job! You can't undo what is done, just keep moving forwards!

It does get easier, I promise - ODAAT

Day 4

Morning, felt awful upon waking. Just wanted to close my eyes and drift of again. Think I dreamt of gambling last night? Is this something others get early in recovery? Had an awful headache also.

So Im sitting in the car before work, partly trying to focus on what I need to do to get through today, the other part of how I can change my current situation. Various options-1)working debt off and keeping this as they are, 2)Selling house and paying debts and staying as a family, 3)Selling house and splitting up. I would hate for my marriage to end like this and upset my son, however I have read few marriages survive gambling addiction?

OK, time for work.

Well done on day 4.

Just take one day at a time, it will get easier as long as you abstain and maintain.

You are doing just fine, just keep pushing through these early days,

Take care and be kind to you.

Suzanne xxx

So it almost lunchtime and I'm hanging on in there. Feel miserable. It's an effort to engage with people. My brain is slow, I keep thinking how did I get into this situation. Why was I so stupid. Why didn't I stop? Taking loans out to pay loans but gambling a little as I had a bit of money. Thinking I would win a bit more and then stop.

Now I must face the facts that I have lost approximately ВЈ25,000 to gambling and have debts above £30,000. It's sickening. I go between not wanting to eat to comfort eating. I loathe my self.

The difficult thing is trying to explain to people why I did it. They ask did you ever win? I say yes, but I lost that. Why didn't you stop when you won? Why didn't you stop when you kept loosing? I say I did but I couldn't. I didn't plan to gamble it just happened. They don't get it. They think thats pathetic. How can you suddenly have so little self control?

Hi
Paul

Keep on hanging in there, your doing fine.

I think people who have not lived with an addiction will always find it difficult to comprehend. They believe as even most compulsive gamblers do that its about the money. It is not. Compulsive gambling is an emotional issue & not a financial one. The loss or accumalation of money is merely a symptom of our illness.
Have you tried explaining the emotions it both gave you & allowed you to avoid, how sometimes life just overwhelmed you & it was the only thing that soothed the anxieties around life you felt.
Try to be open & honest with those around you as to how it made you feel rather recounting war stories of money lost & im sure you will recieve more compassion & understanding from them.

Things can get better Paul.

Dan

Paul, we can't possibly explain to others what we didn't understand ourselves so don't beat yourself up! We cannot win because we cannot stop is the mantra of a compulsive gambler because it's the gambling (& if you do some reading or speak to people who are further along than us, the nearly wins that are even more seductive) as an act that has us hooked!

You haven't done anything that we don't know ourselves. Loads of us dream about gambling, some have big wins that pay out random stuff like vegetables (not money), some wake up sad because the big win isn't real, I just wake up shaking because I NEVER want to go back to day one! Some say it's not good to count days but recovery is bespoke & you need to find the tools that best work for you!

Now that your emotions are not masked by the addiction, they are swimming round your head & it hurts! You can finally see why you have been burying your head in the sand for so long! The addiction doesn't want to let you go, it lies & pretends to be your friend to entice you back but it can & must be broken!

Your debts are only money, you have your life & people in it that you can't put a price on!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks for the support.

Been close to tears a numbers of times today. Is this typical of early recovery? Also, when does the concentration improve?

Paul