My recovery diary

Hi

Things from a work perspective are coming together now. My fortunes seems to have changed since I been praying each morning and talking to my mum and dad and telling them of my days plans and what things I've achieved. Doing this daily has given me a focus and a sense of responsibility as I don't think I could stand there and say I done anything bad and dare to let them down. They sacrificed everything for us so the family could have a better life. I want them to be proud of me and I'm going to work hard and focus on doing that.

On job front I have one meeting today which if the guy gets on with me and we click then offer will be on my desk next Tuesday.

I then have another final interview for 2nd job tomorrow so fingers crossed for that. Need to do lots of prep for that one. I think I've crossed every part of my body this week :))

Will be going to GA tomorrow as missed a few sessions.

Big part of our missing jigsaw is now finding a home after we sell. Had a good productive chat with Mrs and need to do math on income after job offers come in. Short term we need to do the right thing for kids and get them settled early. They seem much happier now that something on the job front is imminent and there mood has changed for the better.

I'm appreciating the value of money as well and my wife goes that I've survived on £20 for 4 weeks now and reinforcing the value again.

Well better get ready for meeting today.

Another day without a gamble and feeling so much better.

Day 30 of recovery

Been a long month but so glad I've had no urges to gamble and don't feel the need to. I wish I'd come forward earlier and said something.

Good day yesterday and interview went well. Off to another one today and hopefully will have 2 jobs to review and decide over the weekend.

Homelife seems more settled now and positive and this has given me a boost to get things done.

Speak soon

Day 32

Had a good productive week and got the job situation sorted yesterday. So happy that is all sorted.

Next step is finding a rental home to live in. We've seen a few in the paper and I think we make a decision sooner then later as they get snapped up so fast when coming on the market.

Home life is better and mentally less stressful now I have a job. Focus still remains on my recovery and attending GA classes and talking to family and friends. I don't get the urges I used to on gambling and don't think about it whenever I have any downtime. I constantly remind myself why I'm in this situation and never want to go back. I'm going to focus on my family and working extremely hard in my new job. I know I can build things back up again as I'm a fighter and determined.

Another thing which had been discussed in GA and some family and friends is to go and do something for others and get satisfaction in helping with no financial reward. Today I'm going to my nephews to help decorate with my family. I went last week to help him and it felt great giving my time to do it. All my life I've focussed on work, with long hours, and never did this regularly and will change now going forward.

Well better get ready for decorating.

Another day without a gamble and feeling good inside.

Day 34

Horrid weekend had. My wife understandably was upset with me and it all came out over weekend and I was the blame for this. Kids did not listen when asked to do certain jobs which escalated the issues. Many bad things said, which I know she means, and I don't blame her. I'm trying to fix things but feel she wants wants to punish me further for want I've done. I have to take it and remain focussed and positive.

I been told to go help and do something for others and spent Saturday / Sunday, with my kids, helping my nephew decorate. Not sure this went down well as I have work / packing at home which needed doing. Anything I do is wrong I think. I hope things don't stay like this for to long.

No urges to gamble which is good and reading a book on compulsive gambling which has some good insight into how our minds tick. Got some good takeaways from it.

Start new job tomorrow and looking forward to doing something productive and start earning again.

Anyway let's see how this week progresses

Hi Brewster,

Well done on 34 days, I think you have and are doing amazing, I know it's not nice to keep being told about what we did, (We know what we did). It's hard enough as it is without keep being reminded.

But having said that your wife has been through hell and back too, we have to give them time, it's all very much a one day at a time. My OH after 15 months still has those digs, (especially when those adverts come on for fun bingo and slots)

Try not to let it get to you, your wife has to vent out too, she will be having alsorts of different emotions, and none of this is her fault. But she may at times think what did she do wrong, and we know she hasn't done anything wrong.

Ridiculous as it sounds, we do have to be selfish in our recovery, we have to think and look after ourselves, and if helping someone to decorate helps as part of a tool in your recovery, that's good for you, but not your wife.

Moving is very very stressful (am in the proceeds too of selling our house, no buyer yet though lol)

Your wife will be feeling very stressed with moving (never mind the aftermath of gambling)

I know it's not easy for everyone to do this, but do you talk to each other about your addiction, your feelings and hers.

It's along road, but you have to be kind to yourself and of course your wife who has suffered even more in different ways.

I admire how you have dealt with your recovery, you have moved forward quickly, but maybe your wife does not move as fast as you, (if that makes sense).

Try and really put yourself in your wife's shoes, and think how would you cope if you were the innocent and injured party, it will help you to stay calm and strong.

You are doing amazing and so is your wife.

Recovery is very much one day at a time,

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

Thanks for your comments. You are completely right and this is a huge episode for my wife to deal with. The move and finding a new home will add additional unnecessary stress.

The kids are feeling the tension and are rebelling a little by not doing things. I know they are teenagers but I have spoken to them that we need there support in doing some things around the house etc. They said they understand and will help.

I appreciate your note on staying calm and strong and will do that as things can easily get out of control. I need to sit with her and make a list of things to be done. I will do that today. Due to all the tension and shouting recently I've not focussed on that and need to put that back on track.

Taking things one day at a time is right. Another day without a gamble.

Thanks again

Day 36

It's been a quieter last few days and things more settled at home. Started new job yesterday and went in to sort out the administrative things on contract, car, laptop etc and was great getting back into things again. The people are extremely nice and welcoming and this job will give me a great focus and determination to get back on track.

No thoughts about gambling either. The way out of this situation is working hard and doing things the right way. I drum that into myself each day.

Need to sort out the rental house and will arrange to go see a place we both liked. Fingers crossed.

Keeping strong and focused.

Thanks

Good news about your new job, and I hope you get the right rental home that you and your family will all like.

Stay strong.

Suzanne xx

Day 41

Thanks Suzanne.

Been a good few days keeping busy and taking each day as it comes. Starting work is great and will occupy my mind and give me a great focus.

Not had any gambling thoughts. I thought Saturday would have been harder with the premiership starting but I didn't think once of putting a bet on and just sat and enjoyed football focus with my son instead of trying to get an angle on what team was going to win. I was really proud of myself.

Just finished reading a book called ' Born to lose ' by Bill Lee and found it a very captivating and humbling read. I could relate to his story and appreciate that things can can wrong so quickly even after stopping gambling for a long period like Bill had. Attending the GA meetings and following the 12 Step programming was his savior. It also encouraged you to give something back to society with voluntary work and start simplying your life and not be so materialist and focussed on money. Imagine what it would be like to live a simple life. I would definitely recommend anyone who's in recovery to get this book.

1st official day on job was good and really looking forward to the challenges that lay ahead.

Another day without a gamble.

Day 42

Good day yesterday at work and really looking forward to the challenge and opportinites. So many projects on the horizon.

I have managed to get alot done in a short time in my recovery and I think people are worried about this and not beleiving me when I say I've acheived something. The past lying is a major stumbling block and the trust has been lost and needs to be regained which I truly understand. It will take time but I will do it.

Need to still sort out the rental housing. Not many new one coming up but I have my fingers crossed something will come up in next few weeks.

Kids are more settled and happy. Think getting the job and seeing me working has given them alot of comfort. They are always a constant reminder to me that I cannot afford to relapse ever again.

Family And friends continue to be a great support and I feel bad having to take up so much of there time. They have better things to do then babysit me. Shows how lucky I am having this network and support. I need to contact them more often and keep them informed of my progress on home and work life. That's something I need to take onboard. I sometimes feel like I'm a huge burden when constantly having to ring or write to them but going silent is not the answer.

I've continued with my praying in the mornimg and use this as a way of informing my mum and dad of what I'm going to do in the day and how the day before went. I find it quite therapeutic that I tell them this as I never had the opportunity to show what I had acheived before and feel I've let them down with my gambling addiction and what's happened recently. By speaking to them I feel I cannot let them down and they are looking down at me giving me inspirational support and proud of how I'm dealing with it. I've got this in my head and its a good positive thought to carry around and remind myself that they are constantly looking over me. This may sound daft but I'm saying things as they are.

Busy day today so better get ready.

Another day and no urges to gamble.

Day 44

Week has gone fast and successfully completed another week without even thinking of a bet. Starting my new job has kept me very busy and given me a new focus and nenewed energy.

Need to start rebuilding the trust back from people. It will be a long journey but I will prove to myself and others I can do this.

Went to GA last night and this is important in my recovery. Hearing the stories reminds you of where you were and you never want to go back.

My wife has been great but I can see all this taking a toll. Shes extremely stressed and I can see this physically and mentally effecting her. I'm taking more on with her as she slowly starts to trust me and we always do things together.

Another day without a gamble.

Day 45

Finished my 1st week and being busy and active at work has been good and kept my mind active and focussed.

The new job will bring added pressure as I will be travelling and away from home and will be entertaining customers / colleagues etc which will require me having my driving licence and a credit card. This is a big hurdle to cross as I need to gain her trust and confidence but same time do not want to compromise myself at work.

No thoughts on gambling and when I see any adverts I just think of it as evil and what hurt is has caused me.

Wife is coping admirably but still very stressed out with this all. Do not blame her and this feeling of disappointment and failure will always be their. I need to accept this and try do my best to fix things.

Another day without a gamble.

Day 47

Mixed feelings today. I thought getting a job and starting to be positive in fixing things will make things a little easier but its gone in the other direction. I understand that I'm never goner be trusted again and people hate me for what i done but I feel some people just don't want me to succeed and get out this mess. Things at home have been high tension and my frame of mind is not good. Negative comments and certain peoples behaviour towards me is not productive. I'm trying super hard and trying to remain positive and will ignore these negative comments. Certain peoples behavior sends me into a dark lonely place. I'm going to focus hard on my work and try get some calm back in the home life.

This negativity around me makes me think to much about things with no focus and direction and is not good. I know I have to take the abuse and comments but there must come a time when people look forward and be positive in there comments and approach and not keep bringing up the past. What I did was wrong and despicable and I understand that and will pay for it the rest of my life. I just want a rest bite from the sniping and comments.

Apologies if I'm sounding selfish or out of turn but its how I'm feeling at the moment.

Won't say anything more but will remain strong

Day 69

Apologies for not updating my blog. I've been attending my GA sessions and talking to family and making my through this situation.

Things are more settled at home and my wife and I are working through things with support from family. Kids started back at school yesterday and we were really proud of them. They are always at the forefront of my mind and a focus for me to make sure I don't mess up again.

GA sessions are good and definitely recommend people in recovery to attend. Seeing and listening to other peoples stories is a constant reminder that you cannot afford to mess up. I guy from the session hadn't gambled for 14yrs and he had a bet last week. His wife had left him and it triggered a series of events which lead him to gambling. It's important to keep a stable environment around you and positive thoughts and keep focus on the right things.

Work is going good and very busy which is great as keeps my mind occupied.

I don't think about gambling anymore and can watch a game of football without having a worry on the result. I'm able to block it out my mind and think of it as evil and a nasty thing and it only brings pain.

We are still looking for our rental and fingers crossed something comes up soon.

Another day without a gamble.

Good nite x

Day 86 of recovery

No thoughts or urges enter my mind and I feel so much better for it. I've been keeping active with work, which is extremely busy, and focussing on doing a good job and staying on top of things.

I've been a little lapse in keeping family informed this week on my progress but mainly because I've had long days and been working most evenings to finish some projects. Also other personal things are happening which need everyone's focus and attention and I don't want to be seen as a burden in this difficult time. Mentally I'm in a good place and have my focus and controls so everyone around me should take comfort I won't do anything silly and relapse. I've made my mistakes and don't want to go back their.

House situation is moving on and we just need to set the exchange dates and get move plan sorted.

Things at home are quieter and stable as we start to put building blocks in place for the future.

Will be going to my GA today. Missed last week as had to finish some projects for work. It's actually good having a break as then you have something to say at next meeting. I also have a fear that I will meet someone who knows me at the meeting and this will cause me work problems going forward.

Keeping strong and have no desire or urge to gamble. Speak soon.