My recovery diary

Hi just read your diary. I'm a bit behind you as I'm only 14 days in. Just wanted to say how impressed I am in your approach. You've realised immediately the need for total openness and embraced it completely. I once stopped for a decent period but did it secretly and ended up drifting back. I'm doing it right this time with the support of my amazing gf. She occasionally snipes at me but hey I cant blame her! Keep talking and keep up the good work

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Day 110 of recovery

The recovery is continuing to go well and keeping extremely busy with work has been a great focus for me and its inbuilt in me now that hard work and dedication is going to get me through this.

My mind has been a little to focussed on work and other family issues and I've probably not been focusing on myself and the recovery. I've missed a few GA classes now and need to get back on that. Again more from a reminder perspective and remembering what you have done and not to do it again.

My wife is getting extremely stressed with things and I've taken more of the load off her. She still controls the finances but I organise the cash flow and show were we are at and will be going forward.

House situation is getting sorted and will be concluded by the end of the month, so another box ticked.

Need to be wary of the stress levels as I'm working considerably long hours and taken more on then I ever have. Important thing is I'm enjoying my work and its given me a focus.

No thoughts on gambling enter my head and I havnt had the urhe either. It doesn't do anything for me. I see lots of gsmbling commercials and now just look away and don't think about it.

Must continue to focus like I have and tick more boxes on my recovery.

Well done on 111 days,

Don't forget to be kind to you, my friend,

Suzanne xxx

Hi all

Cannot believe I'm writing this but I've relapsed again and done exactly what I did originally. I went through a really good period and kept busy and focussed on the right things but the urge came back and I've disappointed my family again.

The problem is severe as I've borrowed also off friends and family who trusted me. I'm really gutted I've let everyone down who supported me the 1st time. Money that should have been used for my kids Universities has been wasted.

I've been thinking why I've got into this mess as I was doing so well. One second I'm a kind, caring and thoughtful guy and they I switch into this other person who's looses all perspective when gambling.

Need to get back on the GA programming again and get help.

I'm so sorry for disappointed my family again.

I'm still trying to get my head around this and went today with my brother to self exclude from the casinos today.

Hi brewster180 so sorry to see you've had a relapse 🙁 i know right now you'll be thinking all kinds of crazy things and mostly asking yourself why ? i know this as i too have relapsed and been gambling the past 3 months after being gamble free for over 2 years ! i can't offer much advice as still don't really understand why i did it after all that time ? but what i will say is its never to late to start again !

The money has gone so you need to let it go and try and pick yourself up again .I know it won't be easy but hopefully with enough support around you you can get back to that good gamble free place again .

Take care and please be kind to yourself 🙂 we never asked to be wired up like this ! Sunshine x

Thanks Sunshine for your words of support. It's going to be tough as I've let everyone down who supported me before and all trust and respect is lost. Not really sure I can earn it back as people are really disappointed and I don't blame them. It's going to be a long, hard and tough journey. I'm not a quitter, even if people think bad things of me for what I've done, and I'm going to work hard to get things back on track with work being at the forefront with my recovery.

It's hard to explain what we do and I definitely agree we are wired differently.

I'm focusing on work and have an interview next week which fingers cross will be positive and start getting some significant funds back in. The strange thing with me is that my focus on researching for this job and practicing for the interview completely blocks out any thoughts on gambling. When my brain is engaged and I've something to focus on I don't get urges. They come when I have time and nothing to focus on. Need to come up with a plan of how I fix that.

I'm going to contact the local counseling people off gamcare and try get a face to face meeting as I've been told my problem is more phycological and I need to see how they can help and advise. Has anyone used the free service off here.

The family are devasted I've relapsed the way I have and I understand there concern of me and what will he do next to get funds.

Better get back to my revision and keep you posted on my thoughts and progress. It's going to be a long journey but I'm going to beat this and get back on my feet and sort out my mess and provide for my family. Family reading this will probably think he said this before and don't believe me, which I don't blame them, but I'm going to beat this.

Just read this article as trying to combat the urges and it's extremely useful on what techniques to adapt when urges come.

Although during the initial days or weeks of abstinence or moderation, especially after a long period of daily addictive behavior, you may experience many urges of strong and even increasing intensity. Recovering addicts of all types report that urges eventually peak in frequency, intensity, and duration, and then gradually, with occasional flare-ups, fade away. How long it will take for urges to peak, and how rapidly they will subside, depends on many factors, including the specific addiction, the length of the addiction, how successful the program of abstinence or moderation has been, and the strength of the developing alternative lifestyle. However, as a very broad guideline, within six months to one year most addicts will report only feeble urges (for instance, one a week, lasting a few minutes, a 1 or 2 on a 10 point scale).
It is also crucial not to take responsibility for the occurrence of the urge, but only your response to it. It is normal for any addict to experience urges, and just because on Sunday you decide to stop does not mean that on Monday you will not have urges. The fact that urges occur does not indicate that your motivation is weak, but that your addiction is strong. Because all habits have unconscious components, of which the urge is one, it will take time for these to die away. What is within your control, however, is how you respond to the urge. An analogy could be made to someone knocking at your front door. All sorts of individuals might knock at your door, but it is up to you to decide with whom you will talk. Their knocking is not your responsibility, but to what extent you choose to speak with them is.
Specific techniques for coping with urges include the following.
When an urge occurs, accept it, but keep it at a distance. Experience it as you would a passing thought, one which "comes in one ear and out the other". Detach yourself from it, and observe and study it as an outside object for a moment. Then return your attention to what you were previously doing. If the urge is intense, remember (and perhaps picture) your benefits of stopping/cutting back (which can be carried in your wallet or purse). Recall a "moment of clarity", a moment when changing your addictive behavior seemed almost without question the right course of action. Think your addictive behavior through to the end:
When an urge is present, you tend to think only of the Benefits of the Addiction, but completing the image to include the negative consequences that follow will give you a more accurate view of the whole scenario. If the urge is very intense, engage yourself in a distracting activity, one which you have enjoyed before and which will take your mind off the urge, or use a specific distraction technique, such as counting things (e.g., leaves on a plant, books on a shelf), doing arithmetic (e.g., continually subtracting 7 from 1000, 993, 986, etc.), or focusing on alphabetical/verbal games (e.g., saying the alphabet backwards, reading signs backwards, searching book titles or license plates for the alphabet, etc.). Any simple activity conducted at high speed can fill up your attention, thereby allowing no attention for the urge. Any thought or activity on which you completely focus your attention is all that is needed, because if no attention is paid to the urge, then it will no longer exist. Although another urge may come along at any point, that urge also can be dealt with in a similar fashion. Over time the urges come less frequently, as already stated.
To summarize these urge coping techniques, all urges should be accepted. Low level urges can be observed but kept at a distance. Attention can then be re-directed to whatever one was paying attention to prior to the urge. More intense urges can be "counterargued" by reviewing in some fashion the benefits of not engaging in the addictive behavior, and the facts about urges mentioned above (e.g., all urges go away eventually; they are uncomfortable but not unbearable unless I blow them out of proportion;). Very intense urges can be dealt with using some form of distraction, repeated as necessary. All urges eventually go away.

Constantly thinking why this has happened again and think about the life I did have and could be having if I didnt have this addiction to gambling. Scary how I was oblivious to what I was doing again and the impact it was going to have. Need to remained focussed this time and work is going to play a big part.

Went for a long walk with wife and friends today and mentally feel better and focussed. Need to get a grip tomorrow of the scale of my issue and will do that tomorrow with my brother. Need to set up a recovery plan on how I get back on track.

Need to get confirmation on the interview for a job this week. I have to be careful as I'll be on a high getting ready for this and my brother warned that if it doesnt go my way then you will be on that low and very vunerable and this is something I need to start dealing with and controlling. It's the way I'm wired I'm told that I have highs and lows and no middle ground.

Will be calling the counselling contacts on gamcare tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment to talk to a professional and see if they can understand and advise on why I do what I do.

I've been thinking more about what I've done today and I cannot comprehend that I've relapsed the way I have. Taking advantage of people and lying and not thinking of the consequences. My family must be at the end of there wits with trying to understand why especially after being where I had been in 2016 and not being there for my brother and being away from my family. One brother said I havn't fully grieved the passing of my brother and talked about him and the fun times we used to have. I was his closet and he constantly talked about me when he was ill. What a horrible person I've turned out to be. I never used to be like this.

I need to open up more and stop being defensive and express my thoughts and feelings. I'm constantly thinking people are out to catch me out and feeling very insecure. Not there fault as they are looking out for my interests. Need to talk more about my feelings with my wife as she to is extremely worried and I'm concerned on her health and what impact this anxiety is going to cause. Sleepness nights worrying about it all and all because I couldnt stop the urges.

I think talking to a counsellor who is not connected to me and opening up will be good. There must have been a trigger point in my life that sparked this behavior. My wife made a good point that when we lived abroad we were surrounded by a lot of wealth and I aspired to be like that and probably would have got there if I didnt gamble. I need to get the old person I was back and focus on whats important to me. Its going to be a long slog as people have zero trust in me now but I've got to prove people wrong and and get back on my feet and feel proud again. I need to take on board the advice and comments and not take things personally as people are saying these tough things to get it into my thick skull. and She reminded me that people used to respect me and look up to me and now look at me now. Useless and pathetic.

Apologies but this post was just to clear my head and remind myself what an idiot I've been and I need to fix this and remain fixed.

I've now arranged a sessions with the counsellor from Gamcare and have that on 20th of this month. They must be really busy. They have a good structure approach to the sessions and probe into many different elements.

Had some sad news in the family with my brother and feel so bad having my problems over hanging and he's going through a very worrying time health wise. Puts things in perspective. He's been a really big support, as with 2 other brothers, and they keeping in regular contact and guiding but I need to fix things myself.

Had job interview yesterday and made final two. Should hopefully find out late next week on next interview date. Fingers and everything else is crossed. Need to land this to be a base from where I can work from and repair the damage done.

Latest update :

Had a good heart to heart over weekedn with certain family members and have an action plan to follow and get on the path to recovery. I'm so lucky to have the family's support after this episode but I they are deeply upset and dissapointed I've relapsed the way I have.

I speak more to my wife about things, whether they be good or bad, and she's not in a good place with everything thats gone on. I've jeapordised the family's future again and its going to be a steeper hill to climb. I dont blame her and fully appreciate her comments to me.

I met with a counsellor from Aquarius who are an agent of gamcare to talk through my situation and it was good to speak to someone outside the family about whats happened and try and put things into some perspective. We both agreed that time is an issue and occupying it is number one priority and securing work. We discussed briefly then how we occupy the remainder of the time and remain active and continue with your sports as it keeps the mind occupied and keeps you fit and healthy. The sleepness nights and worries about everything is back but I've got to remain focussed.

On the job front I've made the final two of one job which I should hear about by the end of the week and had a chat with a headhunter on Monday with regard to other one in the suth and should get indication if I've got an interview by tomorrow hopefully. Fingers crossed.

Big day also for my older brother who health wise had some bad news and we are seeing the consultant tomorrow. Puts into perspective that he's worried about his life and I have a healthy one and throwing it away. Exactly the same as before when all this happened and I had another brother get cancer and I behaved the way I did and throw things away. I still didnt learn.

I've been reading up about bipolar disorders and when I read the symptoms I can relate to my mood swings on the highs and the lows. Everything they explain about the way we feel and the way we react was a true reflection of me. I need to look more into this, especially the hypomanic episodes.

Have kept busy since my last post.

On my recovery my brother has been a stalwart and constantly on my case. I need to take more responsibility and put my recovery plan down on paper with action plans etc and inform certain family members of my progress. I've a online video conference with the gamcare counsellor on Tuesday and looking forward to that. Will be good discussing what I've done with an independent professional who won't judge and give advice instead of criticism.

I've also have the number from Aquarius the independent counsellor who I met last week and will make another meeting with him after I've spoken to the gamcare people.

I've spoken more to my wife and she is really upset. The money side eats her up and she constantly reminds me of what we had and could have today. I think it's her way of getting me to understand the severity of what I've done. I do think alot about my kids and how I've messed up there secure future. They are my focus point to get this mess sorted out and back on track.

I constantly think about what the hell I've done and it sickens me at the core. How can we behave in such a selfish way when we are gambling and ignore everything we love and care for. I've been reading more about bipolar and it mirrors my behaviour. Need to get some books out on it and focus in how people deal with it and minimise the impacts to others.

On work front i had 2 interviews for a job down south and find out tomorrow if successful. Fingers crossed.

Need to keep focussed and busy. I've a massive uphill task to get any form of trust back but it's all my doing.

Hello brewster,

It can't be easy to have told people about this again but you had the awareness and strength to know it had to be done so respect to you for that. It sounds like you have a great family willing to support you through this. As you say some will be, understandably upset/angry about this. It doesn't always even feel possible to explain to ourselves why we do this, let alone a non-gambler.

Recovery is as important as not betting so make sure you allow yourself the time and help you need to work this one out for yourself. I heard you talk about getting back to GA or if not (or as well as) look into counselling. Sometimes just talking this out loud/heard people repeat back to us what we say can start to paint the picture of our "why" we gamble and we then have options to improve this area. I know its not easy but try be a little kinder to yourself moving forwards. Gambling can be a form of self punishment. Its not going to be easy but you are worth recovery.

Good luck with the job hunting. I'll be around here. One day at a time you can rebuild.

All the best =)

I've had a busy week since my last post.

Had my 1st session with the counsellor at Gamcare and good to be able to talk to a professional about my condition. They dont judge and offer sensible advice on how to counter urges and explains a little on why we do what we do. I've been put on the list and hopefully should be able to join an online group session soon.

The Gambling Commissions report on fining w**********l was good news. WH was my poison and when reading the GC report I saw similarities to myself where if they had followed through with there policies and checks or source of funds I wouldnt be in the mess I am today. These firms need to be made more accountable and take responsibility for the heartache they cause when continually taking deposits from problem gamblers.

Family again have been very supportive and just want to get me fixed. Had some tough love discussions with them and think it gives them opportunity to vent and get things out of there systems as they come to terms with what I've done. Sister rang today and its 1st time she's spoken to me and she vented off in a very harse way whoch I dont blame her. She's really upset with the way I have relapsed and all the lies I've been telling to get cash. I accept everything said to me but had to cut her off as my head went into a dark place and I started to panic and get jiterry. I'm guessing this is a normal reaction to when someone is telling you the hard facts of life and what you have done.

Relationship with wife is a little more settled as my job searching is progressing. She's had to take on a lot and not really sure hows she's coping. We do talk a lot more and both agree we need to stick together to get through this but this really is my last chance saloon on this. She does say that if anyone can get themselves out of this mess its me and that I have got my energy and focus back on the job hunting. Need to get a plan on paying my debts back and this will kick start when I land a job. Its at the forefront of my mind to start this asap.

On the work front I'm getting a lot more enquiries from the headhunters and hopefully will land one soon. The two really promissing ones said I was over qualified. I've a interview on Friday which fingers crossed it all goes well.

Hi sjwsjw

Thanks for your note. I think you are right about the talking part and I do that a lot more with family then I did before. I do read the posts on the forum on a regular basis to remind myself of the horrors of gambling.

Job hunting is going ok and interview on Friday so fingers crossed on that. I really need to land one soon. This whole things just adds more pressure to myself but it is what it is.

Keep in touch.