Been keeping busy since my last post but my last one seems to have dissapeared off here.
Read the article on the recent fine to the major gaming company by the Gaming commission and glad they taking action on protecting vunerable gamblers. Brought back alot of old memories reading the article and keep thinking how did I get dragged into this world.
Been busy on the job hunting and had secomd interview yesterday for a role and fingers crossed that we get to the next stage next week. Continuing to search elsewhere as well to keep the momentum going. Your mind gets consumed with waiting for the results of the interview and need to counter this with something else.
My brothers keeps in touch with one particular who I talk to daily to debrief on what I've been up to in the day and what I'm going to do the next day. I regularily think about how I've got into this situation as I was the younger brother who had acheived something and always helping people and now being a jobless, penniless person with nothing. I cannot believe I'm in this mess. Need to stay focussed and land one of these jobs to start getting some respect and pride back in myself.
I do think and reflect more on what I have done and the pain I have caused my family. The wife and I do talk alot about why and she does continue to remind me about this and ensure I keep it at the forefront of my mind and that you should not be tempted to go down this route again. Gambling thoughts do enter the mind every now and then but I automatically think about my family and what I could provide for them to rid those thoughts. Hurting my family is one of the major dissapointments of my life and I never want to go back their. I need to protect and build for their future again.
I've received my date for the group counselling session from gamcare and looking forward to attending this as seems a very structured program with relevent subjects and a smaller group. Its on 19th March and you have to prepare for the meeting by completing online questionnaires to make the meeting for meaningful.
Keeping focussed and taking ach day at a time as I believe can can get us out this mess.
Week 7 into my recovery and update on what I've been up to since last post
I've received my date for my gamcare counselling session which is on 19th and looking forward to this and listening and hearing to how others have coped with the condition we have. The structured approach is better for me as I like plans and knowing the topics we going to cover.
I've self excluded from the bookies as well today as that was one loophole left. No avenues to gamble now and its all about the recovery and getting back on my feet and providing a stable base for my family.
On the work front it taking a little bit longer then I expected on this one job where I've made the final two. Need to do an assessment and one more interview then fingers and everything else crossed. Also continued to apply for other jobs as well. Need to land one as really important to my recovery is working. My brother also advises me to deal with the negatives and how will I cope if it doesnt go my way. I'll go from my positive high to a low and we need to keep an eye on this. I'm mentally preparing for it by applying for other jobs and keeping my options open. Also waiting for a response on the job front is a frustrating part of the process which I'm beginning to deal with mentally and accepting.
Had a long chat with my brother today and cover many topics and he did touch on one at the end on how I'm mentaly coping and did I have any thoughts on suicide. Difficult subject to bring up with anyone but I'm glad he did as I'm in a reasonable frame of mind and not thinking of anything of that nature. My mind is thinking postively and to the future and seeing my family grow up and me being there for them. Also need to go talk to other family members more and keep them informed on my progress and how I'm going to pay the money back.
I do refelct alot on what I've done and this time I'm rying to face up to all my responsibilities as previously the family took over and drove the agenda. This time my brother, wife and I are tackling this and talking alot and putting plans and actions in place. I've let alot of people down and need to face up to my sins and fix what i've done.
A couple of my friends (K & R) know and I'll be taling to them a few times each week to check in and inform them of my progress and have someone from outside the family to talk to if I need to.
Need to also face up to the people I borrowed money from and explain how I'm going to pay it all back.
Still keeping the focus and looking forward and reamining positive to fix the carnage I've left behind.
Week 8 into my recovery
Had my first meeting online yesterday with Gamcare and think the structured approach and having a plan and setting goals is the right approach for me. Just talking and sharing expereinces at GA didnt get to the route cause with me and I think these online sessions will dig deeper and set me with a plan for recovery. The group is varied and you get plenty of airtime to discuss your feelinsg and also help the other guys. Looking forward to the session next week.
I've set goals also as part of the online session which are :-
The second big task from the online sessions was prioritising the goals and using the ' wheel of life ' process to do this. We do this from a work perspective so was interesting doing this personally. The 10 points are as follows:-
Wife
The wife and I had a wonderful relationship before all this blew up. We had our ups and downs like most couples but we loved each other. The impact of my compulsive gambling has caused a massive void in our relationship and all trust and respect has been lost. Its up to me now to prove I can change and want her back.
Kids
I feel terrible the impact and situation I have put our kids in. Their stable financial future has been taken from them. I gave everything to my kids and they respected their dad so much. I need to earn that respect back and provide for their future.
Family
Both sides of the family from my wife’s and mine are completely devastated and dumbfounded by what I have done. They all respected me and looked up at me for what I had achieved. How quickly 20yrs of hard work can be tken from you and now you’re the terrible, evil and sefish gambler who’s ruined your families future and certain family members. Up to me now to show them I can be a good person and get back on track.
Work
Getting work is super important for my recovery as it will fill a large portion of my day and provide some needed income. I have always prided myself with my work and it’s really important I started feeling like that again. Mentally this is very important for me and will give me a sense of purpose again. Fingers crossed on the job and need to remain focussed on the assessment.
Health
It’s important to remain healthy as it’s so easy to let your go and low self esteem and lack of motivation is not good. I’m going to stop drinking today and stop eating meat until my brothers birthday in June. I will have a drink in memory of him on that day. It’s good to sacrifice something and give something back and I really like my food and doing this will be a big commitment. I’m borderline diabetic and this will improve that as well.
Personal Growth
This is one which I’ve put in for myself. I’m so disappointed with my behaviour and how everyone has lost respect with me. I’m going to work super hard and prove to myself that I can be a good person and can be trusted again and climb the scales from a work perspective. I need this to prove to myself that I’m not useless, an idiot and a waster (Just some things I’ve been told I am) and can do good and be focussed on the target.
Volunteering
I need to give something back and do enjoy helping others. I’ve filled the application to join Hope which is a charity which helps shelter homeless people and supply hot food and advice. They need someone to cook breakfasts on Saturday mornings. I will also help organise a few other charity events to raise money for local causes.
Fitness
I will continue to remain fit as it does give you a sense of achievement and helps keep your mind clear.
On the job front I've reached the final 2 and have an interview in the next 5 days with the management team so fingers crossed with that. Working will be a big contributor to getting me back on track.
Home life is okayish and think the wife is waiting with bated breath the news on the job front. Sons coming back from Uni this weekend for eatsr break and my daughter is focussing on the exams and helping her is good and rewarding and I get to spend some time with her.
Keep the focus and remain positive.
Mate you can do it, in a very similar position to you and can relate to what your going through. Take it one day at a time and no doubt you will get everything lost eventually always remember your end goal !!
Good luck my friend.
Harry
Week 9 into my recovery
Have my gamcare session tonight and we are going to focus on reasons for gambling.Its intersting to see that there are many more reasons for gambling and not money and I can definately relate to them and work on them to rid the urge we get for gambling. Some things I related to were :
A) Problem solving opportunites where you have stylised risk taking, overcome the odds and beat the system
B) The BUZZ - Living on the edge, emaotional rollercoaster and coping with boredom
C) Entertainment where winning is just the bonus
D) Social acceptance where being part of the in crowd
E) Self image - the feeling of power, feel like a winner, skilful and being in control
f) The big win (hope) - you chasing the losses and near wins, feeling lucky and the quick fix opportunity.
The above are just some things I could relate to and start understanding my problem and begin dealing with it.
We will also discuss the causes of gambling like lack of self control/willpower, addictive personality, bad habit, behavioral disorder and a form of self medication.
For me gambling is about more than winning money. Why do we continue to gamble when we are winning and why continue to gamble when things are good and we dont need the extra money or report a sense of relief when the money we won is gone.
It was interesting writing down my thoughts on the percieved benefits of gambling. What was going on before you were gambling, what where the effects while you were gambling, what was your mood when you stopped gambling or lost all your money etc. This was intersting digging deep into my mind and writing down how you feel when you gamble as for me the money was the side event and having the accolades of winning big on the roulette table by others and being admired was my buzz.
Also our attitude to money will impact on gambling attitudes and behavior. Its was interesting writing down how I handled wins and losses. Here is my comments on this:-
" I did handle wins differently. If I won big and left the pink £100 chips in a pile in front of me i would watch people look and think how good a gambler is he and he’s a player. You want this feeling that people admire you for winning. More often than not that pile of chips goes down and you lose it and you feel really P****d off. If I put the chips in my pocket I seemed to control the amounts I gambled and more often then not I would walk away and cash in the chips. So I’m guessing from this I like show boating when I’m gambling and winning big in front of people and showing the big I am. How so wrong was I. "
Looking forward to my session tonight and digger deeper and discussing with the others in the group there feelings and mechanisms for .
Things with the family are ok and settled. Money is tight but we cope. I've dropped off the forms for doing some volunteer work on as giving something back is important in my recovery.
Keeping focussed and sticking to the plan.
Week 10 into my recovery
The 2nd session on gamcare was good. We discussed the various reasons why people gamble and discussed in detail the causes of gambling. For me the gambling ended up more than just winning money and we probed the others areas and the adulation received from when winning on the table was the high I sought. Strange but true as if it was money then I would have stopped when I was winning. Discussing the perceived benefits of gambling was interesting. One of my comments on this was :-
" I mentally convinced myself that I was going to win all my money back if I stuck to a plan and won a certain amount each visit. Every time I borrowed money this was my thought process and as I had some successes you mentally convince yourself that you will win next time. It’s a terrible cycle to get into. "
How do you deal when gambling thoughts come into your head :-
" When the gambling thoughts come into my head i have learned to think straight away of the devastation I have left in my gambling and the impact it has had on the family. They should be enjoying their life, like their friends, and we scrimp and save as I’ve blown it all away.
Self excluding from all forms of gambling is good as well as not outlets available to go gamble and no temptations. "
No session this week due to easter but next one is next week.
The interview process is still ongoing and have next interview on April 11th. Fingers crossed.
I start my 1st voluteering work this weekend and looking forward to that. Good to give something back. Also looking to help other local charities later this year.
Things at home the same just need to land this job to start everything rolling again.
Keeping the focus
Week 12 into my recovery
Had a good session with the gamcare counsellor which covered the topics of high risk situations and setups and how you go about dealing with them and giving examples of how you have dealt with them. Recently I've been tested a couple of times and the 1st was at a casino themed party we attended and we weer concerned how I would react and behave when being in such an environment. It was good for me as I mentally prepared myself and said to myself how I will cope with the different startegies I had in my head. I ended up dealing with the situation real well and ensured I kept my back to the table when standing in groups, stayed near the bar which was far away from the table and sat in the lounge. My brain is getting trained and used to the natural feeling that all forms of gambling is bad and you must refrain.
The 2nd situation was this weekend and the Grand National. In our house people always used to text me for tips and I even remember my mum sitting with me and picking her horse. Most people treated it as a fun thing to do but a compulsive gambler will always take it the next step. My wife wanted to watch the race and asked if this was OK and I said yes and walked into another room and did something else. Again I reflected on the two events and feel myself making the right choices when faced with a high risk situation. The counselling sessions and the material sent is really making me think of my actions and how I react.
It was interesting to discuss the things to look out for to avoid a relapse. Many factors were invloved and we talked about the following things :-
We also discussed the cycle of change and we are cretaures of habit and do find change challenging. We followed a model showing describing how people change and to move through the stages you need a change in attitude. I'm in the ACTION stage and this is about learning to recognise my gambling triggers, urges, cravings and difficult feelings and developing healthier coping strategies. I personally have a plan in place to do all this and following this through.
Im keeping the focus and staying with the program. Need to continue with the good work.
Week 13 in my recovery
Its all blown up again. When in Jan the family found out about how much I had borrowed and from whown I was not completey honest. I have borrowed another £29k from friends in cash and I just wished I had told them everything earlier this year. They already were shocked and I just wished I'd been truthful at the forefront as now no one will ever believe anything I say ever.
One thing that has happened is that I never admitted to the people, outside the family, that I had a gambling problem and in one way the family protected me from this and my reputation. In hind sight my brother wished he had as only then would I have truly faced up t what I had done and also people would not lend me the money.
I've put a terrible burden on my family and their future and the stress is unbelievabe. An opportunity to work will be known by Mid next week but my family are asking what if this doesnt happen and I dont get the job. This is the problem of being a compulsive gambler and continual liar that you cherry pick what you think is reality and you only think the positive things. If the job doesnt come off I'm in diar straits and not sure how to get out this mess. My wife mentioned this yesterday and that I dont think rationally and look at all the options.
I'm going to have to sit my friends down and tell them I have a problem and figure out a plan to pay them back. I worry about our families reputation and mine and but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. My concern with it being open is if it gets into the public domain and it filters back to the potential job opportunity. Again alot of ifs and buts but that is my life now.
My head is spinning like before and I've a deep pain in my stomach. The feeling of desolation and desperation is all around me again and its a waiting game till next week for the job opportunity. I really need to come up with a plan A (with job) and Plan B (withut job) approach to this. I'm also going ring a couple of close friends I borrowed from to tell them about my problem.
Does anyone in the forum have any advice on how I can go about this and should I just be up front and tell my friends I have a problem and ask they keep it condiential and that i'm seeking help and to those I owe money will come up with a payment plan.
Week 14 in recovery
Fall out continues after my latest and final admission on monies owed. Wish I'd just mentioned it when it all came out but your brain is telling you not to as you can fix it without them knowing. This constant lying is not good and will not build the trust and respect we want.
Family are going way and above to help me but this lying is something that shouldn't be tolerated. You end up being that compulsive gambler and liar. I've got to learn that even if bad things happen I need to just tell them.
I'm constantly being reminded of what I had and what I lost and that even a custodial sentence hasnt sorted me out. I've jeapordised the future of my family and their security and it kills me when I think of this.
What people don't understand is the frame of mind we are in when we gamble. You loose all sense of logic and reason and only want to gamble to get the buzz. Once the monies gone you go in search for more. It's a horrible cycle to get caught in. The gamcare session talked about cravings and urges today and was very helpful. We talked about how we react and feel when we gamble and they talked about dopamine and how that is increased when you gamble and that addictive personality is alive and gambling constantly keeps it flowing. When you stop and it reduces that's when you get a downer and maybe depressive. Need to read more on this as see how we can control this better.
Told the group on gamcare about my recent episode and said that it is all the bad news out now. In a way I'm glad its out as it was stressing me out. Also next big step is telling the people I owe money to the problem I have. It needs to be done and also my family want to tell others in the family mainly to make sure I don't ask them for money. They said my reputation is in tatters and never going to be regained and people need to know what I'm really like. I think they are right and have to man up and face the music. It's going to ruin a few relationships as the trust factor will be gone but that's how it's going to have to be. Initially I'll avoid people after I tell them but hopefully it will get better. If I was them I'd have nothing to do with me as it would be safer. I'm going to be a very lonely old man.
One thing I do believe in myself is that I will get out of this mess. No ones believe me but I know if I focus and believe I can do it. I've a personal point to prove to myself that I'm not this horrible, selfish areshole everybody thinks I am.
Bit of a download today but needed to write it down.
Week 15 in my recovery
The gamcare session on urges and cravings was really good and gave a few ways of how to deal with them. The group were really supportive when I told them about the recent issue and I'm just glad everything is out.
The job situation has changed and I have now created a plan with all the various inputs and written it all down. Awaiting comments from people.
Issue is working away with work but the job is going to keep me busy and on the down time I will be taking my book and reading material from work. Certain members worried I will fall back into bad habits but I just have to prove them wrong. I'm nervous and excited on the new role and appreciate the positive comments from family and there concern that I must not mess this up.
No thoughts or urges this this as mind been focussed on the job and getting things sorted. If any thoughts come into my head I will ring my brother to talk it through.
Keeping the focus and will succeed and not let people put negative thoughts into my head.
Week 16 in my recovery
Started my new role and I've had absolutely no thoughts about gambling. My head space is consumed with work and the focus is on work.
Looking forward to next session on gamcare counseling on Monday.
Keep the focus.
Week 17 in my recovery
Work is so busy that I'm getting no time to think about anything else. When I take a step back and look at things now, I try to understand how important work is to me especially with occupying time. I seem to plan my week for what I'm doing day and night and it's important I take time to spend with family and keep active. I'm probably doing 90% work and 10% other at the moment but that will change as I settle into my role.
Mentally I'm feeling good and seem to be more in control of my urges and cravings. The mechanisms and controls I have in place are working.
I missed my lasr gamcare session due to work but will accommodate tomorrows session somehow and balance work. I'll take session via mobile and continue to working dinner so as to maintain my focus on recovery.
Some people think that cause I'm working I've forgotten that I need to continue to work on my recovery and that's so far from the reality. I constantly think about what's happened still to keep grounded but my current focus is on work and my headspace is consumed with it and takes 100% of my time and effort. It's hard to explain but I perceive working as part of my recovery which I dont think people around me appreciate this.
Anyway I feel more in control of my mind and mentally stronger.
Keeping the focus on recovery.
Week 18 of my recovery
This week has whizzed by and work has been full on. Occupying my mind with work and projects leaves no spare time for anything else.
I've read that over working can be bad but for me and the stage of my recovery it's great. Not thinking the slightest thought of gambling is great and I feel I'm getting better control of my mind.
No urges or cravings as I'm earning a honest wage and feel really proud of myself to even get to this level iny recovery. Many people had doubts but I just need to remain focused and believe in my abilities.
My relationship withy kids has improved ten fold and I feel like s dad again. Relationship with the wife is better, no arguments but still long way to go. We don't really talk much but I'm hoping time will be healer. This is a big part of my recovery which I hope improved.
Keep the focus.
Week 27 in my recovery
It’s been a while and no excuse for not posting but new job has been over demanding and will make effort to update weekly.
I finished my sessions with gamcare and found them really useful and the notes and session material really makes you think about all the different scenarios that you go through on the triggers, cravings and urges, high risk situations, stress, feeling, how people behave with you and training your brain to deal with different scenarios are just a few. The group were nice and had different levels of issues and it was good hearing their ways of dealing with things and I have one closing session which i will arrange next week..
The counsellor said people have different ways of dealing with being an addictive gambler and for me working was a good way to keep my brain occupied and a good way to use my time. The issue I get with family now is that I’m working too much and ignoring everything else. That’s not the case as I do spend time with my kids and do engage with them but the relationship with the wife is still strained. One thing I learned in my sessions was that people will always mis-trust you and it will take time for things to recover. When people are negative to you or constantly bringing up the past you need to train your brain not to react and just accept it. They have their recovery to deal with and I should not retaliate in anger or words but just accept it. I constantly think daily about what I did and the pain I caused but I have a plan on recovery and how to pay everyone back and provide a future for my kids. I will get back on track and demonstrate to people I have changed and get back on my feet. Constant reminders to me on what I did from people is something I have to accept and deal with but did does also then make me reluctant to discuss things with them and call them as I don’t want to get into a argument. Anyway its something I need to deal with but in reality its not going to happen. At home the situation is not going to change and in one of my sessions they did say that if people don’t start changing the way they treat you then sometimes you need to distant yourself from that negativity and risk as it increases your stress and anxiety levels which is one of the triggers of gambling. If you have a plan for recovery and paying your debts then that’s gives clarity in your head and if people around you constantly bring up the history and nothing else then that’s something you should avoid. The simple pleasantries do not exist in my relationship and i need to fix this. My focus is on my kids and paying the money back.
The other thing we learned on the sessions was to mentally play out scenarios in you head when you get stressed or are in a situation and if you get any gambling thoughts I have a mechanism I use to block it out and get my brain to refocus. This new job I have is causing problems as well as I have to travel and stay over in hotels when we have guests and team building sessions. I’ve put a tracker on my phone as they know where I’m at but the real issue is that I’m out socialising with my colleagues and that’s an issue. I have thought several times now whether this job is the right one as the hotel stays and travel will not recede due to the nature of the job.
Mentally I’m in a good place and one thing I need to work on is making sure I keep in touch with family more often. I seem to have got into a work zone over the last 4 weeks and have admittedly not spoken to family members as much. Not being in contact raises questions on what I’m up to and they automatically think I’m up to my old tricks. Don’t blame them but need to improve on this going forward.
I don’t have access to my bank accounts and don’t want it. What I do need is a cash only card as I’m afraid I’m going to get stuck somewhere or in a high risk situation with work and not carrying any money on me as well. It’s a risk situation I’ve highlighted and will approach on getting this cash card but don’t hold any hope in this. I’ve flagged it here and I hope someone reads it.
Keeping the focus.
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