My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Yo Andy,

Lots of good advice given. Stop and consider before making the final choice.

I have always been honest with you and feel I need to be now because I care about you my friend.

This addiction is one sneaky son of a b**** and will do everything it can to persuade you an alternative route to gamble by talking you into thinking about stopping getting help or ways round the blocks you have put in place.

Right now you are a bit vulnerable , with the job situation , your new bank card , ect. Please try to stay close to this site, if not be aware that it maybe the addiction playing with you mind in convincing you that you do not need to us for a few days.

Thinking about you, stay strong my friend .

Dusty xxxxx

72 Days bet free

Hi Ronnie, Weldy and Dusty, thank you all for your support and kind words. I am very vulnerable at the moment I agree, with my head uncertain about work. What I am thinking about is some nice time off work altogether, a break, that is why it is so tempting to quit, I want to tell my fat, lazy a**e of a boss to do one, they have taken the *** out of me long enough. I have spoken to my gf and mum in France, they say do what is right for me, the only thing holding me back from quitting, is knowing I won't have a pay packet at the end of July and the fear I might not find another job. The days or weeks of fishing really does interest me though, I know I will have a wait lifted when I eventually quit, the question is do I do it on Monday, the end of July or wait to be pushed, as I don't have a contract.

Going to try to stay strong, don't want to self-destruct and go mad.

Anyway deep breathe and carry on 🙂

Hey Wilsy, well done on being bet free, you are doing soooo great. Just reading about your dilema. It is always good to have a pay packet coming in and I can understand where you are coming from, but my advice is put some feelers out, try to find something else before you quit however bad it is, really look around, I know jobs are hard to come by these days, and don't know in what field you work in, but try to have a plan before you chuck it in, at least it is money coming in. Take care, and keep strong.

1.53am still up and yes unfortunately my run has come to an end. Even though I managed to go over seventy days without a bet, I still can't seem to stay on the straight and narrow.

I have used this diary and it has helped, I have had counselling and that has helped but the moment things don't go right for me in life, I turn mad, lose my mind and intentionally go out looking for trouble. It shows me whatever help you get, your mind will still do what it wants.

I have had a heavy loss yesterday and today and all because I a) still won't put the proper blocks in place with Bookies and 2) because I insist on managing my own money, which I have done well up until this point. The turning point in my oppinion was being home alone and left to my own devices. I have had advice from everyone on here and support but this addiction has grabbed hold of me again, the little blighter!

I've lost over a grand today, I can't tell anyone in my family about that, It was supposed to have gone into an ISA, I'm going to have to say it has gone into an ISA 🙁

I'm going to have to accept the loss and try to hide my dismay, I'm going to have to lie as I can't explain why I still do it and do this to myself all over again, it is too painful.

Luckerliy it hasn't all gone, I've just lost over a grand of what I have saved, over the last three months :-(.

Sorry everyone, this is my second slip up and I really didn't think I would be going through this again.

Sorry too Dusty, I did read your comments the other day but I still went ahead and pressed the red button to self-destruct.

Feel really crappy and I am going to have to stay in this dammed job now, considering I have done my whole wage packet :-(.

Don't want to talk to anyone, so please excuse me if I take a break for a while, I will be reading but not posting but yes I will start again and not give up.

Morning Andt,

You do not have to say sorry to me. Ever

We are addicts, fighting this disease , but it is not an easy fight.

My concerns this morning is you go chancing the money. Cause when I was in a pile of s**t over money amd needing to lie about it, that was the first thing I would do.

This gives the addiction so much power, you really must use every bit of strength you have not to let it talk you into it.

I plead with you to self cancel,

Start again Andy , it feels very raw today , but do not let that rawnes send you further down the road of distruction.

Just for today my friend , just for today .

Dusty xxxxxxxx

Wilsy,

I am so sorry to read about your slip back into gambling. You worked so hard in your recovery and going over ten weeks gamble free proves that.

My concern now, just like Dusty, is that you will chase your losses. I hope this is not the case because this is where the downward spiral begins and we are all aware of this.

Your journey is a tough one what with work and distant family but you are a tough character and I know that you can come through this. This forum reminds us all that our addictions are with us for life. Perhaps we cannot eliminate them completely we can only control them through careful planning i.e. blocks and positive thinking. These things are challenging when other areas of life seem unpleasant.

You are a valued member of this site and everyone on here is wishing that you find the strength to get back into your recovery with the desire to give your all to ensure you do not return to an old life that is unmanageable and miserable.

I wish you well and will be thinking about you.

Tomso.

Hi Andy, really sorry to hear about the slip and the loss of the money. It could have happened to anyone of us. The money is gone now don't try and claw it back, you know that's not how to beat this.

Temptation caught you at a bad time, you were frustrated at work, gave in your notice. Yet your boss didn't want to let you go. Must've felt like limbo. My mind would have persuaded me to win a few grand, give me breathing space to find another job, that's how my mind works anyway, it's sneaky, it'll do anything to ruin what I've got left.

You've been here before, you know it gets better but I know the next few days will be pretty mentally sh*tty. I won't hit you with all the cliches like take what you can from it etc, because you know them all. What I would advise those is still look for another job. One that gives you more satisfaction and less pressure on gaining results/sales etc. use this feeling you have inside you to push you forward, maybe night classes in a couple of months whatever. My advice is never fester whether it's work related or in a relationship, if it's making you unhappy seek ways of changing this.

Good luck Andy and take care, Steve.

Hi Andy,

I am sorry to read about ur slip, u have recd some good advice already here. I hope u don't try and chase ur loses. It seems like u have been under alot of pressure l8ly with ur job. I hope u find a new job soon that makes u happy.

Stay strong 🙂

HI Andy,

Again another one who is sorry to read about your slip, it proves to me that irrespective of number of days we are gamble free we are all the same distance from our next bet, something I remind myself of all the time.

Things were tough for you over the past few days with pressure and lack of motivation in work, you also slipped away from your diary which has brought you thus far, In a time of stress and a big decision I would of always hit my default option and gambled, but I know that those decisions and that stress dont dissapear because we gamble.

Dont go back, Dont chase what is never going to be, Its a false dream, Its not real. Use your angry and what ever else your feeling to drive you forward to something that is real and achievable a gamble free future, with money for a deposit for a house and all the other dreams that you have.

The next few days will be rubbish for you im sure with all the negative feelings that gambling brings, but I hope you take some comfort or strength from the fact that you have done this before, You can do this again, stronger and wiser to this addiction.

Being defeated is only a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent."

Keep going mate.

Blondie x

Andy.

fella I have shared your journey from day 1 my friend and you have shown me a great deal of strength in that time. I will just say I will still be here side by side and as I posted on ades diary that a fella in my GA said he felt he had a punt periodically to show himself how bad things were, until the day he stuck by the triangle TIME-LOCATION-MONEY take one out and the punt is impossible. For me it worked the same as for him. I simply wish you my best regards.

Duns stepping forward never back.

Andy,

Chin up and walk tall, you have nothing to be sorry for to anyone.

You have managed to repress this evil illness for so long and you can do so again. Forget the money, you can save more, but can never get it back. Something I had had to learn all to quickly.

Stay strong!

Steve

Evening everyone,

Thought I would update everyone on my well-being and I am glad to say, I am alive, I just don't feel like it.

Where do I start. I went to bed at 5.30am, I couldn't sleep at all. My boss phoned me at 9.15am whilst I was still in bed. I told them what had happened over the weekend and how I turned to gambling, following the red mist that overcame me, when I had the falling out with the other boss. I told him I couldn't work today and that I needed to think about things more. I called my parents in France, toldt them about the losses, they were obviously shocked, don't understand and have nothing to say to help. They did tell me to quit the job and get away from sales as it is not healthy for me, that was the advise I was waiting to hear. They won't throw me out, they instead told me to rest, go fishing, see the doctor, get anti-depressants, then look for a job, a job which has no stress, a more enjoyable one, even if it is working at an animal santuary (Which I would love). I agreed with them and resigned, I am now unemployed but feel free. How things can go mad over the course of three days, I am still in a daze, starting to eat again, feel exhausted but optimistic of a happier future.

I went and got three self-exclusion forms for the local bookies, I think I can exclude from a total of 8 or 9 shops around me. Just got to fill them in and take them back tomorrow with my photos. The managers felt sorry for me but at the same time, applauded me for wanting to try to give up, shame they didn't stop me from losing a grand and going mad, didn't care for me then did they!!

I then stupidly left my card in the cash machine, I deposited what cash I had left on me, £170.00 and because I am so tired, I took the receipt and left the card in the machine and the account open. I panicked big time when I noticed it was missing, I have since had it cancelled and by the looks of it, no money came out.

Now I must try to relax but I need to get stuff ready to give back. I will tomorrow start my life all over again and try to learn from this experience but unfortunately I can never guarantee myself this won't happen again.

If I can't post over the next week, it is because I don't have a computer, please don't worry about me, the worst is behind me now.

Will update you all very soon.

Thank you all again for your kind support, I really appreciate you being there for me and sorry I haven't posted to you as much, I haven't been in the right place the last week. I know my counseller will wonder what on earth happened this week when I see her, she has been on holiday and last week she cancelled with a migraine, I think I will blame all this on her lol 🙂

Until we speak again.

Andy x

I have a real feeling, that from now on things will get seriously better for you Andy. In the past I've self destructed and it has got me out of a situation I found unbearable, looking back I'm glad now it happened. Sales is sh*te, even more so in a recession, take time out now just to concentrate on your well being. Get your head together, take your medication, they worked for me, keep going to counselling, again it benefitted me. You have the backing of your family, your whole life ahead of you, keep positive, from now on nothing but good. Take care, get out in the open and catch some f****n fish but leave the big ones for me because I love the fight, Steve.

Hi honey,

It would be a privilege to have you share my Wispa one day shhhhhhhhh

Think that you are dead right in what you said.

Have a rest, catch some fish , and get yourself back up to par.

Giving mum and dad contoll of your money , seems a bit drastic but if it is another tool in your armoury then it can only make you stronger.

Know this cause it is really important to me,

I have not and will not throw my pom poms away . I will practice like a women processed, ready for the big one.In 71 days !!!! Now you would not want all that practice to go to waste , now would you.

Will we watching out for your post as soon as you get that computer.!

Take care, and as Duncs says, be kind to yourself

Dusty xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DAY 1 -

Woken and feel hungover, not through drink but almost punch drunk mentally, from the decisions I have made over the lest four days.

I feel in limbo today, unable to enjoy the time off now that I am a free man. I am edgy, nervous about the future, I think about what jobs I would like to do and I can't think of any, I don't even feel up for fishing. Overall feel very downhearted and misearable and I don't want to continue righting a depressing post today.

Meeting up with my old bosses to give the stuff back at 4pm, half of me wants to say I made a mistake and I want to carry on working for you but the reasons would only be for the money.

I won't gamble today as I lost my bank card but I would have chosen not to gamble today anyway, I would like to eat however and can't :-(.

Sorry for the negative thread, it is how I am feeling, so I want to write it down.

Speak soon.

Andy