I would like to tell you a bit about my story, and hopefully get some feedback.
In October last year, I turned 18. Shortly after I decided to create an online poker account.
I was working and spending no more than £20 a week on poker at this point.
One day I was playing poker and decided to play a slot side game. I bet £2 and won £900. I did the sensible thing and withdrew it. I tried to get to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about it, so jumped on the computer and reversed the withdrawal, after sitting at the computer for 11 hours without getting up I lost it all. I had never been so buzzed and immersed in my life. I kept telling myself it wasn't my actual money, so I shouldn't worry about it.
A couple of month went by where I didn't gamble. I went to a casino in London with a friend and got hooked yet again. I spent every penny I had in that casino (Over several weeks). I would go to CEX every day with another box of stuff from my house to sell. Now I had a problem, I sold all my stuff and had no money left.
I decided to turn to shoplifting. Nothing hurts me more than to think I stooped this low (stealing), but I did, and I have to face it. These weren't even expensive items, items in the region of £20-£30. Risking several years in prison for a temporary buzz, and even if I did win, I wouldn't leave until it's all gone.
All of this was happening in secret, no one knew about my problem, it was lie after lie as to where I was and what I was doing.
I hit breaking point in April when I went into a close family members room and found a large sum of cash, I took that money. After walking out the bookies empty handed, I hit dispair. The reality set in and I thought suicide was the only way out. I was sick on the pavement walking back home. After getting home, I went mad. I threw the little posessions I had left around, smashed up the house and self-harmed. I downed any alcohol I could find. A family member found me laying naked in the middle of the floor covered in blood and glass.
I was taken to my A&E and later refered to the Priory hospital. I learnt about the 12 steps and was given some interest literature about treating addiction.
I have been going to AA and NA meetings as there are no GA meetings where I live.
I was doing well and was 2 weeks clean, however yesterday I deposited £100 into a casino account, got up to 1.2k, withdrew, few hours later, reverse withdrew, all gone. I'm not suprised, it's happened before.
I need complete abstinence from gambling. One bet isn't enough, just like one drink, one snort, one hit is never enough.
Thank you for hearing my story and please pray for me.
Hi jenks. ..and welcome...I'm afraid that's how the addiction creeps up on us...that first win...then the chasing of losses ...downward slope all the way...whether it takes 3 mnths or 30 years....usually the same outcome. ..ADDICTION !. .and then comes all the horrible consequences you have described..... BUT...there is always recovery if you really want it...NO ..it's not easy...yes it hurts...but look at the options...recovery...normal life...or gamble...and end up with nothing and knowbody....your choice my love....ring the helpline to start with....take there advice....read diarys on here....and take one day at a time...I've managed 180 days so far....the magic answer if your looking for one is..."don't take that 1st spin again "...dam hard work in the early days...!
But it's doable...good luck jenks...stay strong...stay here x
Thanks for your kind words Loxxie.
I've been thinking about how it all started, people often talk about a "root cause" but I'm struggling to work out mine. Does anyone know the types of things that could cause someone to develop this illness?
Or is it possible it just gripped me without a root cause?
Thank you
Hi Jenko,
Well it's my first day today so I'am feeling the tremendous worthless feeling and feeling like there is no way out, I have had positive and honest advice and I have completed my form for the counselling. Please do the counselling and stay strong. We can beat this horrible addiction and we will have a better life.
I certainly relate to those feelings.. Keep thinking I just want to go back to before I took that first spin. It's so much more than money that's affected. I've lost the trust of my whole family. I am not allowed to touch money.. feels rather childish, but I can't even trust myself. I have councelling every week which helps. Good luck Linds x
There's a theory that gambling / drinking / using is a form of self medication. For the CG, betting is not the problem but a solution. A solution that ends up costing everything but short term, the act of gambling meets a need, eases pain, makes living bearable, provides an escape.
All of this is best explored in counselling or at GA.
CW
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