Morning all,
I decided enough was enough on the 19th April when I blew £X,XXX on another online slot I thought I had the better of. It was time to stop gambling and seek help.
Subsequently, after 'sorting' this mess out by moving debt onto 0% card for 24 months and deciding that I was finished with gambling, it soon became the worst week of my life when our first baby (our little girl) was stillborn at the later stages of the pregnancy - 4 days after 'my last bet'.
I'm not the kind of person to let it eat away at me as somehow this was a sort of punishment or karma but you could see how that has crossed my mind. The past 5 weeks have been horrendous.
She is now my motivation for giving up and making sure that my family don't suffer in the future because of my past battles with gambling. I'm still in shock but it has given me time-out to think about my life, my mistakes and to see how the future would look like without gambling.
18 months earlier I'd had a similar disastrous gambling day which cost £X,XXX . I'd already been at £1.5k gambling debt so you see the pattern...
I have been paying back the £XX,XXX with a monthly payment plan. In the last 18months I had paid back £2.5k but I'm now more in debt than when I started due to this recent big loss. For a while after the first big loss I did stop gambling and set some measures in place to stop. I now realise these were not NEARLY strict enough. After the remorse dwindled having sorted out a loan to cover it over 5 years I became complacent, starting to gamble again in smaller amounts - alot of the time not actually losing much financially but soon I was back to old habits staying up late/getting up early to go online, not focussing fully on work or other things and upping stakes us usual to chase lost money.
I have always had issues since an early age with fruit machines. I love the games and get hooked on just playing them - not just winning the money. I can remember in my early teens on a family holiday, playing the crystal maze and pink panther fruit machines every night. Then whenever I went to an arcade, travelling shows etc I'd look for these specific games to play.
This was the same when I started to drink at 18 in my local pub. There was 1 bandit that I played constantly - I knew all the combinations, when I'd win the jackpot etc etc and wouldn't play any other one nearly as much as this one. Unless I found it somewhere else - which was rare as it was an older machine owned by the pub so not common. I regularly played at the start of a night out and be 'up' when heading into town to the clubs - I thought this was great - a few extra quid to cover the cost of my nights out.
Whilst at University I had alot of time on my hands I started popping into betting shops to play also. Within a year or two I was starting to lose more often than win - except when I was playing in the local but that wasnt enough by then. A few years in and I knew I had a problem. My girlfriend and parents found out so I ended up going to GA, which worked for a while but I didn't like the religious elements and guess I felt I didn't really belong there with those people who had ruined their lives, relationships etc etc - 'my problems weren't that bad' so I gradually slipped away from it.
Anyway for several years I stil gambed in small amounts, still playing bandits now and then and the odd football coupon. But 2 years ago I progressed onto the FOBT machines at a local service station. And then found them at an arcade in the town centre where I could go at lunchtime. At £2 a shot you could win decent money but also lose hundreds - the 25p bandits where i'd maybe win or lose £50 max were a thing of the past!
Again you can see the progressive pattern. The FOBT led me online. At first I was winning back cash amounts wasted in the arcades. Using one of my many credit cards I could up stakes to £5 a spin and win my money back. And as it was on a card it wasn't really 'my money' just like at uni when I'd get a bursary and think a similar way. I'd just keep depositing more and upping the stake a bit until I won the money back and a little more. Which did happen quite alot on a specific slot I liked. So I opened accounts pretty much everywhere they had that one game. Anyway the big losses have resulted from me thinking if I up the stakes the games should play the same way/follow same pattern as they do with £2.50/£5 spins - how wrong could I be. I remeber betting £125 a spin - how mental is that!
Anyway, I've been a CG for the past 12 years at least and at 30 I want to change - before I have a family to look after and to generally have a better life. My little 'angel' girl has given me a wake up call. I have a great job which I enjoy (plus I work freelance too - which will be the main catalyst to clearing my debt over next few years) amazing wife, good friends, I do voluntary work but as many of you know all of this doesn't matter when you are 'in the zone.'
I'm 42 days without a bet - having self excluded from everywhere - unsubscribing to every spam offer I get and have installed K9 on my laptop. Ive also been checking out this forum daily which has been great and I'm due to have online assessment in next week or so. This time it feels different - I'm ready to stop! But I've stopped for a while before so I need to be more disciplined and get counselling to make sure I don't slip up.
Hope my story resonates with some of you out there.
Thanks for listening.
Hello Tommy190416
Welcome to the forum
I would first like to say how sorry I am to hear of the recent loss of your child, which you describe as a horrendous five weeks.
You have mentioned the shock of the experience which has no doubt caused you a great deal of distress, and may well have contributed to your need to gamble.
Gamcare Advisers would welcome your call to talk through any gambling issues you feel you need to discuss and offer you access to the free counselling service. www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/face-face-counselling
Its fantastic that you have managed to install some blocking software and get to day 42 without a bet thats wonderful news, keep going.
You may also find using the recovery diaries section of this forum helpful in monitoring your daily gambling activities during this difficult time.
Finally you mentioned how you 'feel the future might look without gambling', so I would like to encourage you to continue posting here on the forum for support and encouragement. The sucess stories section of this forum can also inspire you a bit and maybe offer you some hope.
All the best for the future
Cade
Forum Admin
Hi Tommy, welcome to recovery 🙂
& yes, so very sorry to hear about your little girl but no, I don't believe for one second that had anything to do with karma! I might have a bit of a kookey take & I don't want to say crazy stuff esp since you found GA wasn't for you because of the religious side of it but I want to say what I think & hope it doesn't offend but yours was an Angel baby, some just aren't meant for this cruel world!
As for the gambling, well done on 5 weeks 🙂 Great to hear the barriers you have, plans afoot for counselling & recognising you have no room for complacency in your life anymore!
Time to focus on what is important in life & put your gambling stresses behind you - ODAAT
Thanks Cade,
I decided to quit before we lost our little girl. And since that happened its given me more drive to stop - to use her memory as a reason not to gamble - to do something positive for her. I'm all too aware though that people battling grief are probably at a bigger risk of complacency so know I have to do it differently this time and that's why I want to give online counselling a go. Also in the past 5 weeks I've not had the opportunities I would have had to gamble so I know there's a long road ahead and when I get back to my 'normal' routine I need to stay away from old habits etc.
I had been a person who spent alot of time on my own in my own head and because of whats happened i've started to spend more time with friends and family, going for walks and doing stuff which has helped hugely.
In finding GAMCARE it's been a blessing and I'll continue to use the forum daily now.
Thanks.
Hi ODAAT,
Thanks for your kind words, it's not kookey at all. Much appreciated.
I'm still having the odd moment when I think about one last shot - about putting a couple of grand at risk to win back some of the losses but then the games I have become addicted to - having played them so often - have never paid out the full amount of my debt so whats the point. I come here and realise there would only be one outcome - even if I won it would spiral me back into a world where I don't want to be anymore. And if I didn't win - it will end up more than a couple of £K - sleepless nights, more stress, moving money around on credit cards again, couple of more years added to my 'debt-free' plan etc etc.
Its just not important anymore - it will take me around 4 years to be debt free. Times like that make you realise how much you've wasted. If thats the cost I have to pay then I have to just accept that and move ahead a day at a time.
Cheers.
Day 45 and coming to terms with the fact not only battling this addiction but grief at the same time for my 'little guardian angel' daughter who passed away before we got to know her.
I know that the biggest challenges will come for me when I return to a sort of nomal routine. In my 45 days gamble free I've been constantly surrounded by people, and spending alot of time with my wife - we also have been abroad for a week which has helped. The experience has bought us so much closer together and she is an inspiration. Both of us are battling the grief together. We're walking loads, doing things together and on a health kick too trying to stay positive. I guess what no one knows is the other battle I am tackling. That's why - although I know I'm doing well on the gambling front - I still need to start the counselling sessions sooner rather than later. Just difficult to arrange a time as need to be when I can do it privately. Hoping to get an assessment arranged for next week.
I still have had opportunities to gamble, and there have been times when I know in the past I would have so I'm starting to change my old habits. Anyway, I always found opportunities if I wanted to anyway - waking up at 3am to sneak downstairs to chase losses or getting up at 5am when didn't need to be up until 7am etc.
The self-exclusions, K9 software, not carrying cash and keeping busy are helping me through. As I've been working from home mostly I have started walking an hour a day taking advantage of nice sunshine and doing some gardening also - both of which I've actually felt quite relaxed doing - a feeling I'm not used to and I've not had for a while.
Looking forward to day 50 which feels like a big milestone for me but know day 46 is all that matters right now...
The forum continues to be a great tool for me, reading other peoples stories and advice and there have been days (like today) when I've spent a few hours on here - rather than a few hours of slots and self-destruction.
Onwards and upwards.
Hi Tommy , I'm a bit late but welcome to the forum my friend , just read through your diary and I found it very open , honest and quite emotional and thank you for sharing with us .
I can't even begin to understand the grief that you and your wife have been going through with the loss of your daughter but I send my condolences to you both.
I'm glad you have the comfort of each other and that you have managed to grow closer since your loss , I'm also pleased that this forum offers some help in dealing with your addiction side of things , 45 day's is a great achievement and I'm sure with the positivity that shines through in your post's you'll achieve your goal of being gamble free for life , please stay close to the forum and vent your feelings when you need it , as your so right " It is a usefull recovery tool" .
Best wishes to you both and I look forward to speaking with you soon .
Alan
Hi Tommy. I'm so, so sorry to hear about the very sad loss of your precious daughter. It puts things into perspective and I think your dedication of her memory as a motivator to quit gambling will be a wonderful legacy for her.
Your story re'the gambling (slots) resonates for me in many ways and it sounds as though you and I are in a very similar place regarding wanting to stop this horrendous addiction.
I wish you all the best and will keep up with your recovery.
Thanks for the support Alan. I read your first post and could relate alot to your story. Realising we can't beat a machine even though we think we've studied the patterns etc and it will eventually pay out. People always say that 'you never see a poor bookie', 'they don't call them bandits for nothing' etc how true. Coming to realisation that also you 'will never meet a rich compulsive gambler'.
Anyway, well done to you on your recovery to date and best wishes for today - because for us CG's that's all that matters.
Hi imuzbmad, your story is so similar to mine - from the early age seaside trips to ending up online. Being very frugal with money for certain things but not when it comes to gambling. Also to everyone else we are seen as sensible, reliable people. I think the frugal part is a key driver of CG. We think before going shopping, getting a haircut or a night out we could win the money to pay for these things. Actually, we do already have the money to pay for these things. How can winning £10 for a haircut then spiral into hundreds lost. In actual fact we end up not getting the haircut or buying ourselves something because time is then wasted trying to win back losses.
The arcade losses I could sustain as it was cash and they have certain limits in place/not open 24 hrs etc but the online slots you can do anytime and at any stake.
What I'm starting to realise is that if I do not gamble then I can come out of this and also have control back, I can pay the debt off over the next 3/4/5 years but if I continue to gamble then its only going to get worse.
In terms of arcades and FOBTS etc I have found the contactless cards a good tool now. I used to withdraw money all the time when I needed a few pounds here and there - like a haircut, buying lunch etc. Now I use the contactless card to avoid having cash on me.
Anyway, thanks for you kind words. Onwards and upwards....
Just back home from a nice evening. Took my wife for a nice meal - paid for it without grudging it. It pains me to say I'd normally stick it on joint account to keep my money for gambling. Was nice to say it was my treat. We then went to freinds house for some drinks and a catch-up. Nice to be in company and not thinking about the 'next bet'.
It was even more enjoyable as this morning as I struggling. Was starting to really think again about how to win back recent big loss. I have to admit that I started looking at some online sites which I haven't joined before - not that there are many. Again thoughts crossed my mind about one last bash at the big win! But I didn't go any further. I popped back on here and found the strength to stay gamble free for another day.
Great post & that's the beauty of this site, you may not always get a response but people are reading & rooting for you to make the right choices, exactly as you have done today 🙂
Keep working it - ODAAT
Thanks ODAAT. Even just to write feelings and keep a record of journey for the future to look back on, this is a invaluable forum for us CG's. Got a busy day ahead, no opportunity to be online etc and going out to do stuff with no opportunities to gamble.
Have a nice weekend!
Onwards and upwards 🙂
Day 49 today - got my online assessment finally sorted for this week.
I've stopped gambling but I haven't stopped the thoughts of going back to it. I'm managing to stop going beyond the urge stage but I still at times have a look at certain casino sites (the one's K9 doesn't block) thinking about it but thats as far as it goes. I know I cannot gamble and in time I hope I wont even think about my strategy for a 'big win' or have any urges to look at some online casino sites I could maybe join.
Had a great weekend, productive and was nice to just spend the money I had set aside for the weekend, without grudging it or thinking of how to win it back from slots. I also demolished my garden shed with a sledgehammer - a sort of therapy in itself!!
Tomorrow is my day 50. I have a full day of meetings, driving and then seeing a mate in the evening so keeping busy trying to make sure I have no opportunities to gamble.
Onwards and upwards.
Day 51 - feels good to be past the 50 mark!
I had my online assessment today which felt like a big jump forward - felt good to open upto someone in person about my battle. Looking forward to starting counselling - think it will be the big difference from when I half-heartedly tried to stop several times over the years.
For now I'll continue to update my diary, follow others recovery diaries, keep K9 in place and have little or no cash on me when I'm out and about.
Already starting to notice the financial difference with no gambling - think I was gambling alot more every month than what I originally thought. And instead of scrambling around I have taken back so mach time from the slots to do more productive things in life!
I still have alot of gambling related debt but if I don't gamble I can make things better - gambling will only make it worse.
The sun is shining and I can notice it!
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