Hi all.
Im Mike 34 years old and a compulsive gambler so nhy on 15/18 years.
Where to begin, I think it’s because I am now truly at my rock bottom that I want to write down my thoughts/feelings and get some help.
I started gambling from the age of around 12 on the fruity’s in the local bowling alleys £5 jackpots. I was hooked quickly and couldn’t wait for the Friday nights and Saturday mornings to come round quick enough. On from that followed scratch cards and then delving into £25 fruitys. Around 16 the bookies came. FOBT’s weren’t quite settled in yet, so it was horses and dogs with again the fruity in there. Progressively bets creeping up from 50p rising to a minimum £5 or it wasn’t worth it. My weekend job paid weekly on a Friday. And invariably it was gone by Friday night or I was paying people back from the previous week for what I had borrowed.
Skirting through time as to not bore people with the details the next few years have been lost due to that cycle of being paid and spinning it away. FOBT’s got me in a big way and casinos to, anything and everything. Slowly friends wondered why I never had any money. Pay day loans were taken out and not paid back. Credit cards maxed out. And still I continued.
I short period I stopped for with the help of some friends and attending Ga. But moving house again and living with the different people have me more access to money and sure enough that was spunked to.
I met a woman with 2 kids who I’m still with now. That again put a limit on my spending power, but the urge kept me going. Now with a child of our own as well, I fee even worse about the person who I am. I’ve lied and cheated and stole. Not just money but time. I’ve ruined relationships and friendships. And yet still I plod on. Today I think I’m at the lowest and am looking for the smallest light in what currently seems a bleak picture. If I tell my Mrs again the portion I’ve put us in, then she’ll get rid of me. And I wouldn’t blame her. But hate the thought of not being able to see my kids every day.
I’m determined to give up and whilst that’s been said 100 times by myself like most people, now more than ever I want to stop. I’m fed up of feeling like this. I’m fed up of hating myself. I’m fed up of not being able to think properly. I’m fed up of life right now.
But I can’t give up. I hate thinking about my little girl and my 2 step kids having to deal with the mess I’ve left behind. And my Mrs who’s the most amazing woman ever. I need to be better for them. It’s a huge long road ahead of me and as I sit here writing this with tears in the middle of Doncaster station I know I can do it. Or I think I can do it. So for me 15.03.19 is going to be the last day ever for me!!!
Probably left loads of stuff out and will follow up on another day and if anyone wants to ask me any questions, fire away!
All the best with your recovery. You’ve come to the right place for help and support. Practically I’d recommend joining Gamstop and exclude yourself from local bookies/casinos. You’ll need blocks in place because there will be some moments of weakness along the way.
Thanks pal.
Already excluded online and a large number of bookies. I work in a job where I’m in different cities a lot so that’s never helped. These restrictions on FOBT’s will be good. I’ve turned to cashino in some places. What a loser going into them dumps.
Anyway, cheers. Hopefully going to update the thread retailer to say how I’m getting on
It’s tough I won’t lie, but you can do this! You know the only way from rock bottom is up!
As cg we can’t win because we can’t stop.
I hit my rock bottom just over 5 months ago. It’s been a horrid journey so far but I’m still gf. Life is better. Life will be better still if we continue to be gf.
Donny station is just down the road from me so your story hit home. I too have sat and cried whilst posting on this forum. I too have lied, cheated, stolen to feed this horrid addiction.
Don’t let gambling ruin your life. We are still young and can put this right.
I suggest ringing the helpline and enquiring about the free counselling service. I took it with both hands and haven’t looked back so far.
I wish you the very best and I promise you that every day you’re gf will be a better day.
Sarah
Hi Sarah
Glad you’re doing really well in your recovery. Any other tips other than councilling. I’m willing to give anything ago, just a tad sceptical on that. Having said that, what’s the worst it can do. Going back to GA is my next step, which helped last time, but suppose it’s about being truly honest with yourself and then others, which I probably haven’t been ready to do until now.
Still one day clean, well about 36 hours so far, so long may it continue
Day 2.
Struggling a bit at the minute. Not gambled but hard not to think about it. Initial feeling from 2 days ago wearing off. The massive guilt and promise to yourself this is it.
But I’m not going to let the demons in. I’m loving this thread to write down my thoughts. Whether any one reads this or not. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve changed the screensaver on my phone to my little girl. And any time I’m wavering. I have another look at the photo.
Gambling has no remorse it wants it all and does not like anyone stopping, knowing you have to provide for your family and giving them treats is the biggest win you will ever have, and the longer you abstain the more clearer your focus will become, you have to know its not something you can rub out, its hard to stop, but it changes your life doing so and you have to know the gambling mind will try and convince you that your next flutter will be the get out of jail gamble, just dont listen and focus on being a great dad and a good partner, take it easy skipper.
If you're really willing to give anything a go coming clean to your partner is the first step. Keeping your actions secret takes away her informed choices and leaves both of you living the lie. Leaving yourself accountable only to yourself makes it very much easier to justify and then act on placing another bet if and when the urge strikes.
Hi. Reading your story was helpful to me. I ve come to this site for the first time this weekend and am feeling it really helpful to realise that I am not alone. My thing has been sports betting and casinos, especially when drunk, when all sensible judgement leaves. Had a very bad drunken night on Friday in an online casino and decided that enough is enough. I am determined never to feel this way again. I don’t find GA appealing for embarrassment reasons really but I spoke to an advisor on here who has passed my details on to a counselor who is going to be in touch. In the meantime I think it will be helpful to continue to read and write on here, I ve self excluded online and as soon as I ve paid off my enormous credit card bill from Friday night, the card is being cut in half. Take care of yourself
Cheers guys.
Appreciate your comments. The no remorse bit is so true. Gambling will ruin me/anyone who has the compulsion. I know that. And yet it’s such a stupid pull in your brain telling you, that you’re one hit away from being ok. That’s ridiculous but it’s how my mind works. Don’t know if others have felt that. Then generally that one more hit has turned into 10 and you’re further down the rabbit hole than before.
Regarding telling my Mrs. If defo will be telling her. And maybe this is me having one more lie to myself or her, but won’t tell her for at least another week. We’ve just been through fertility treatment for an attempt to have a second child together. We will know if it’s successful, well anytime within now and her period/test date. I can’t put the stress on her before we know. I know it’s a cowards way out, but I will end up thinking if it’s not worked that it’s because of me.
Good luck paulscott. Drinking certainly never helped me either. The bets always got bigger and the drink flowed more. I think it’s the ego in us to keep going. I used to think I was the big I am, when drinking and winning, but half the time you waste money on drinks when out with people buying rounds and then lose any money won the next day when trying to get that back. Well that was me anyway. I’ve found writing on here really good for me. Gives me that sense that GA did that you’re part of a group and people are genuinely there to support you. Stay strong mate.
Hello mate,
I think we can all safely say we've felt like that! Try to keep the mind frame that as a compulsive gambler you are never going to win. If you do win you'll only ever throw it back in again and be in a worse place. Take it from me, I'm 33 days GF today and I am already feeling benefits from it that I never would have expected. I've still got money in the bank for one! I've been able to treat my partner and kid, and that is an amazing feeling in itself.
Appreciate it isn't the right time to be honest with your partner at the moment and that's fair enough, but do tell her. Honesty is 100% key and I believe is the real reason I am quitting gambling successfully this time. You can't do this alone, it just doesn't work. With the support of loved ones around you it makes things so much easier.
All the best with your recovery pal!
Day 5
Another struggle as my mind is playing with me. Woke up this morning with the itch and can’t seem to get rid of it. A lot of time on my hands today and away with work, so going to be a struggle. f**k, this P****s me off. I wish it’d just go away. Still going to carry on reading my book and do the best to distract myself which ever way possible.
Cheers for all the comments guys.
Day 6
Things are hard. Very hard. I’m In most of being paid tomor and thinking about what I can do. Just sneak a £100 profit to put back some money. But I know it won’t end there. Jeez this is hard. Was on the chat the other day and saw it takes 144 days to break a habit. Wow. That seems so far off.
Really needing a kick up the a**e right now as my head is spinning!!!
Hi Mskinner,
I am sorry to read you're finding things difficult, especially with payday coming up. It is normal for being paid to trigger thoughts of gambling, and urges do pass - you might want to try a technique called "urge surfing" which you'll find in self-help-resources.
Well done for self-excluding from some bookies, and online. You note that you work in different cities, so if you're working away over the next week you may want to consider adding some locations to your self-exclusion, and additionally self-excluding from Casinos which can be done here: http://www.nationalcasinoforum.co.uk/voluntary-self-exclusion-sense/ .
I note that you are considering telling your partner in the coming weeks, and if you are able to do this it can help very much with the accountability part of staying in recovery from problem gambling. Well done for reaching out to the forums and the chatrooms and I hope you continue to get plenty of support here, and in addition you can call the free Helpline 0208 8020 133 or the netline.
Warm regards
Leigh
Forum Admin
Mate we have and are all going through this, you must 100% get someone you trust to take away the financial side of your life, if you don’t have the cash you will not get the urge, I’m only a few days into this but I’m finding it extremely easy with no urge to bet but I’ve been here before and did it again for no explanation I can give, it creeps up on you out of the blue.Make no mistake this is a life long commitment, STOP GAMBLING, STOP DIGGING, it is the ONLY way out of this.
With regards to your partner that’s your decision, I have chosen not to, Ive 3 years to clear my debt and then I may tell her but I’m only doing this as it’s my choice and if I fail to stop I will tell her and seek forgiveness.....I’m trying to sort this out with a mate who knows all about me, I know it’s wrong but that’s me.hood luck pal it’s going to be hard.
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