Boxing Day, horses football and beer, then back to parents for a family party! - year after year that party was a fraud with family who didn’t know what I had done (maybe not that day but definitely over the last year). This year I watched a race at home, listened to the sky sports football and went to parents party and for the last two months I haven’t been a fraud, no my ex wife wasn’t there! Nor will ever be, but I wasn’t thinking about lies / hiding debts/ or if I was on a winner thinking about the next day / night in casino! So not all great (miss that person) but at least now if I meet them it’s not all a big fraud! Here is to another week to 2019 then!!
Today is the first day I felt like I am getting over the last month at work it’s meant I have not been to gym felt tired and eating and sitting so feeling fat! Today I started the recovery of fitness , scales and went to gym! So tonight feeling more alert! Aiming to lose 13kgs that is my target! Weight gain (binge eating and gambling went together) so hopefully in reverse now let’s see - I think I need an aim / goal to target through the dark evenings!
Quick post been out for a run tonight and feeling better for it, having a walk up to the pub later all good here!
Is it ok to come back from the pub and think it would be good to go to casino and have a bet, with the knowledge that I’m going with the knowledge that I will lose! But it would be nice to do it! ??
Hey Jappy.
Thank you for your support and we'll done on your efforts in being GF. I read your diary and have much of the same feelings you had. Gambling and losing and being relieved when the money's gone, waking up in the morning realising you have just self destructed, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders but going forward as if nothing is wrong. When I put a bet on I would consider it already a loser and be looking at my next bet. The gamblers mind works in a sick way!! It's been said on here many a time...we can't win because we can't stop. But I think of it this way...we have stopped so we have finally won! I know the pain of loneliness and the darkness it brings, I have shut myself off from friends and family over the years, but it's important you never go back to the thing that causes the ultimate pain. I don't think I will ever stop thinking about gambling or thinking I need to gamble but I have made a conscious decision, as you did at the start, not to give them another £1. I looked in the mirror 3 day's ago and promised myself to break the chain of gambling, to stop the misery I feel when I lose because I know I deserve better. I am seeing the day count of me being GF going up and it's making my resolve strong. Remember the monster.
Stay strong soldier.
Day 73! My first medium term goal achieved! On the 19/10/18 I said I wouldn’t gamble again and that I joined the 2018 challenge with the hope I would reach end of 2018! This has been achieved! Also I seem to have a different mindset having read and re read the Allan Carr book I must say I am not missing it! I have days and weeks of stress and my debts are still there (although a little lower) and I have a small level of savings which I have never worked for and saved! Here’s to 2019 challenge I will write some short term / medium term goals with gf 2019 being the long term goal stay safe and gf tonight!
HNY everyone this feels like the start - good to re focus and continue the good work! At least this year I have some cash for January and some things to look forward! Have a good year safe a gf every day at a time
Day 76 - I have had a good day, getting ready for work next week, tidying a few jobs so I can start with clean plate! Been to gym and felt great with a proper exercise and bought a nice present for someone special! Also having walked in Waitrose I had a browse and bought some Xmas cards from £5 to 10p so on my way! This time last year I was in the thrones of self destruction on FOBTs - looking forward to the year! Still having problems trying to reduce the interest rates on credit card debts! Frustrating but will continue to search as all money saved is mine!!
Day 78 - hopefully a good day ahead! Off to golf shortly, then haircut and a night out at 70 birthday! Might squeeze in gym if possible! Hope you all have a gf day
Day 80 another small step! 10 days to go to meet the “first ninety days” GA book helped with tips! Stay safe and gf
Hi all - where has this week gone! I have been busy at work no real gambling issues, I am getting twitchy about repaying debts and keep thinking about how I can get cheaper debt, but seem to be getting Doors shut, credit file not good and expensive credit seems to be where I am for now! Has anyone got any advice to save interest? I want to improve my credit rating not go into management plan as at some point want a mortgage / rent
Sunday is here and another week gf! Looking forward to month end for a small reduction in my debt! Looking to this week to catch up further on my work so hopefully can have a better balance
Day 88 I am really proud that I am going to hit the 90 days gf (GA first 90 days) book provides lots of tips and advice - maybe need to set another medium term target! I am going golfing in Scotland in April so there is a nice 2/3 month target - will treat myself to something new if gf when I get there!
Last night I had a really strange dream that I was in a casino with friends and my mind was telling me to draw a few hundred out of bank and have a go! It is ok and doesn’t count because I’m with friends! I know why iam dreaming this as in feb a group of friends are going away for a few days and on the eve they have booked a meal in the restaurant in a casino! So I think subconsciously it is bothering me! I need a plan!
I have reached the magical 90 days! I do feel that I have made a decision to stop and not a decision to hold on as long as possible! Here’s to day 91!
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
