Need help again.

Yes me too- I think a lot of us CGs all tend to have something we use gambling to escape from. Its only now having stopped for a while that I can see what truly matters.

Its waking up every day knowing I can deal with what life throws at me by doing something nice to make someone else happy or just knowing that I am in control and whatever the day brings I will not fear it anymore.

I much prefer waking up in the morning knowing I havent sabotaged myself by mindlessly throwing money in a slot which will always result in losing.

Keep up the good work!

Linda

x

Linda. I just read your diary and I don't mind telling you it had me in tears - partly for what you've been through and partly because, although I am a bit older than you, I recognise a lot of what you describe. I wish you a happy future, and I hope that we are both free of the awful gambling bug from now on xx

thanks anniel x Whatever Ive been through up to now has made me the person I am today. Including the gambling. I will not run away from any problems anymore so there is no need to look for this "escape" through gambling.

We can do this because however strong these gambling urges get, they will never overcome the desire to never go back!

Onwards and Upwards!

Linda x

Morning. ***MISSING TEXT******(mostly due to lack of money, due to you-know-what). the reality of the wasted years is beginning to sink in and today I can't really see how I can put things right. I feel like I've been wearing blinkers, blind to the effects of my actions. Now that I am facing it, it's overwhelming. I have a big family, and every one of them have been impacted on in one way or another by my addiction. I have hurt the people I care about and I don't know if I can ever put that right. I am struggling not to be consumed by the guilt, to focus on one day at a time and doing whatever I can to help everyone get by. It shouldn't be like this....I know I have to accept that the losses are gone, and I do, but I also know that the only way I can live with that knowledge is to find a way to make amends. For that, I need strength of mind and I am struggling to find it. I know this may sound like a ramble to anyone reading it, but I just needed to write my feelings this morning to help me clarify.

A little perspective: this afternoon I called a friend who I've not seen much recently, and she told me that her husband has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and they are going tomorrow to find out the prognosis. He is a true gentleman and they have been married a long time. This has put things in perspective for me. We never know what's around the corner or how long we have in this world, so I need to use my time productively with and for the people I love. I need to focus on doing whatever I can to ensure that they will be OK in the future, no matter what the past holds.

keep strong and gather your family around you,no lies no shame ,assuming its an huge first step!Wish you all my best!

Things that happen in our past can be used for good or bad! We can look back and dwell on the past or we can think I'm going to do something about this. I see myself as a survivor of gambling rather than a victim. Hope you feel stronger day by day

Take care

This morning I decided that I need to face a few demons, that hiding is no longer an option. I took a very deep breath and called a family member who I haven't spoken to in a while, to talk about a long-standing issue (won't bore anyone reading this with the details). It was difficult, but he was lovely and it went as well as I could have hoped for I think. So glad I found the courage. One small step.... I am really struggling with getting through the next couple of weeks, financially (not even sure how I'm going to put food on the table), but am determined that this will be the end of it, that I will get a grip. This is rock bottom, the only way is up - difficult climb though. x

It's 6.30 am and I am at rock-bottom. I wrote a long rambling diary entry but accidentally deleted it , and I have to get ready for work (I only have 5 hours a week so must go!) so will just say: this is so tough. Nowhere to escape means facing the horrible destruction and financial devastation. I am so ashamed and can't see any way of making amends.

Hi anniel,

I hear you sadness and frustration. Recovery is not an easy ride i'm afraid. There are good days and bad days. You have accepted the situation you are in, and believe me, the only way is up. It will take time, it won't change overnight, but it will go to the right direction. Small little steps forward..away from self destruction.

You doing it for yourself, you are no 1, and the rest will follow. Be kind to urself, believe in yourself and keep fighting.

You will see the way out. There is a way out, you can do it. Stay strong

Take it day at a time, be safe anniel

Take care and look after urself

It will get clearer and bettet

Sandra x

Thank you so much for your post Sandra. I know you're right, I will find a way through this, but to be honest it's not me I am sad for, it's my family - none of whom know about my addiction (or, should I, dare I, say: former addiction?!) but some of whom have been hugely impacted by it. I feel guilty, ashamed and very very sad, you are right. I don't have a partner as I have been separated for almost four years and my Mum died five years ago so I don't ever see myself sharing this with anyone so this site is an absolute lifeline. Thank you. x

The awful 'can't see a way through this' feelings remain firmly in place. I am overwhelmed by feelings of shame. I know, logically, that eventually things must improve, and I will try to find more work, but right now I can't even see a way to pay the essentials. I am talking about food on the table here, never mind gas/electricity bills, and I am expecting a summons through the door any day now for council tax....can't apply for benefit or anything (not that I deserve that help anyway) because they ask to see bank statements and that's a whole can of dirty wriggly worms....I hope I never forget what this feels like, though, so that if I make it past this point with any modicum of pride intact and without my family being affected any worse than they are already, I want the memory of this feeling to be enough to stop me coming back here.

Today has been OK. I have spent time with family, and am looking after one of my granddaughters overnight. I had a little money into my account today, and took it out immediately - not giving myself any opportunity to gamble (my problem has all been online). Crisis far from over, but I guess from a one-day-at-a-time point of view no losses and still standing.

hi anniel

you can print out your bank statements and either black out the transactions that do not concern them or remove pages if they dont show income. As far as I know they are not interested in your outgoings only you income so just show them that. If you are struggling you are entitled to claim for your family. I know you feel full of shame at the moment but that only shows that you are sorry for what happened and want to change it. There are plenty of people out there that never even acknowledge their problems/addictions so at the end of each day that you remain gamble free give yourself a pat on the back because what you are doing now takes guts.

We are all behind you

x linda

Thank you - it didn't occur to me to black out transactions, I guess I'm not really thinking clearly right now. I will definitely look into doing this, I was thinking I would have to wait a couple of months...it's the council tax that's worrying me horribly as it's really high and I just don't have enough income to cover it. Sometimes it was things like this that sparked a gambling episode, in a 'plan' to win enough to pay....never worked of course because I just didn't stop....

I hope that I can begin to see and think clearly soon; reading other people's diaries on here helps and I will always be very grateful for the kind people who take the time to support me on here...hope I can do the same for others at some point. xx