Need help again.

Hi Annie. Thanks for your comment on my diary. Deep down as I said in post I know where that road would lead, but it helps to hear it from someone else.

Have just read through your diary, and I don't know what to say. Sounds like you have had a very tough time lately but it does get better. Maybe gets a bit worse first but it does get better. You mentioned some friends you could talk to, might it be possible to talk through some of your feelings/problems with them. I know first hand how much fear of judgement there can be, but speaking to my GF about it when I eventually did was a weight off my chest.

Stay strong, all the best.

Ash

Hi again. Thanks - I do hope you stayed strong?? Sometimes it's just too hard to find the words though. I do have a couple of good friends that I COULD talk to, but have decided to battle with this on my own....I will talk to them about the underlying issues at some point, which is probably what I should have been doing all along. Sometimes it's just too hard to find the words though. I spent years hiding what was going on in my marriage - ***DELETED POST****crept up slowly getting worse and worse until I spent a lot of time being rather scared, and it wasn't until I found the strength to end things that people knew how bad things were. Anyway, that's one of the things I was hiding from - nothing like the mindlessness of slots to enable you to put blinkers on!! So, I think in order for this to work I have to let all the memories out from the little locked boxes in my head - which is daunting! I think I may try to write about it all, perhaps that'd help.

***DELETED POST**

Hi anniel

Nice to see you feeling a little more positive and tackling these problems head on 1 by 1 you will get through them. It takes time like everything but we are survivors and you will get through it. Once you have sorted out as much as you can. Speak to a travel agent about maybe booking your trip and paying them each week. They might be able to do it over the four years and then once the money is paid in thats the end of it. It would also be something to look forward to and believe me we all need goals especially when dealing with recovery.

Have a great weekend!

Linda

Morning. Still here. I am steadily learning to recognise my own particular triggers for gambling, which you won't be surprised to learn are: access to money; conversely, worry about money (chasing a solution); time on my own (don't want to think and/or feeling lonely/grief); stress & worry (as previous); and finally I have been using it as a kind of pain relief - takes my mind off some physical symptoms (won't bore you with the details), which is particularly daft as it probably makes it worse to sit in one position so long! The more I think about it the more ridiculous it seems, but at the same time I am battling the urges all the time at the moment. It's the weekend, I have a little money, I had some bad dreams last night, I am sitting on my own, I need to find a way of getting about a grand together by the end of the month (not just for me, but mainly for one of my kids), and the painkillers haven't kicked in - a full house of triggers. But, I have a picture in my head of a little gremlin dancing about, rubbing his hands in glee, just waiting to grab my money and run away laughing (anyone remember David Bowie's laughing gnome?!).....now, that may be weird but I never said I wasn't weird!! Have a good day everyone xx

Hi anniel

Funny you should say that about your dancing gremlins because I have a dancing devil who was rubbing his hands last night but I beat it and told it to get lost!

Linda

Morning. I wasn't able to get on here the past couple of days. I have been busy - have been facing up to things, one at a time, and managed to negotiate some leeway for the family business. We are not out of the woods by a long shot, and nobody's getting paid (family, so now need to find a way to keep their roofs over their heads - my biggest worry now) but it's a chance, I hope. Personal finances are a disaster, and will be for some time to come, but I am determined to deal with it all one day at a time. I am applying for jobs (that's the only thing that'll make things better, I know) and trying to lift my head out of the fog. I think I've been on here for about three weeks now - wish I'd done it a couple of months ago, but somehow I think I needed to get to this point before I truly saw how bad I had got. The 'laughing gnome' is still following me around, almost constantly, and I haven't got to the stage where I don't want to blot the world out with slots. Will it ever go, that urge? I don't know, to be honest, I guess it depends on how I face the underlying issues. Yesterday one of my neighbours, a very elderly lady, asked for my help with something - it was so nice to feel useful and when I had helped her I felt very very sad - it brought back memories of my Mum and my Grandma (Dad's mother), whose deaths I have never really dealt with (I think I got stuck at the guilt phase, with my Mum, and the very beginning of my problem with CG was when my Grandma was dying ) and whom I didn't realise how much I miss...

Bad urges today - driving me insane; so, am going to get out of the house, see a couple of people, force myself to do something constructive. Unfortunately, there is nothing I WANT to do - plenty I NEED to do to sort out the sorry mess though. One day at a time. I just want to curl up and sleep, truth be told. If only I could wake up and find things back to normal. Finding it hard to be positive today, but I know my moods are like a roller-coaster at the mo, so one foot in front of the other.....

Hi anniel,

The roller coaster ride eh? Isn't it fun!! Mood changes is absolutely natural thing my friend. It is tough to find that balance and feel 100% with yourself, but every day you abstain you are heading to the right direction.

Anything is possible, you will get that stability and peace with urself, steady...one foot in front of the other..keep making the right choice.

Day at a time and tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it brings more calmer waters ur way.

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra! I was going to say that I think I'm going mad, but actually I think I've been mad for quite some time and now I'm trying to regain some sanity. The financial fall-out is proving incredibly difficult to deal with, and far worse than I imagined if I'm honest - at this point I'm just hoping my family can keep their homes. I am definitely using this site as a 'crutch' to help me stay as strong as possible - I need to, to give my (huge) family the support they need as much as I can. What they really need though, is cold hard cash, and we all know why I don't have that to give. I guess the guilt will haunt me for a long long time to come, I hope it's enough to give me the impetus to make things better. Right, I'm off to send some CVs, need more work. Hope you're all having a good day xx

Hi there, glad I brought a smile to your face, keep strong and good luck with the cv.

Lazarus

Hi anniel i wish you all the best,but i know its gonna get better,stay strong !

Hi there, glad I brought a smile to your face, keep strong and good luck with the cv.

Lazarus

Morning. It's 6.30am and I'm off to work in an hour. It takes me 2 hours each way to do half a day's work - by car, it's a half hour, but of course I couldn't/didn't replace my car after it was written off; that would involve NOT throwing away the money the insurance put into my account. Which, of course, I did. Madness. Every day the evidence of the madness affects the way I get through the day - and yet I carried on-and on - and on- for years. I am all too aware of how easy it would be to fall back into it, to convince myself that it 'may' work, that a win would put things right ...I know it's not true, of course, and I look forward to the day when I don't feel this daily urge. OK, here I go - I hope we all find strength today. I'm finding it hard to face the day sometimes - good thing my family needs me, I think I'd just curl up and give up otherwise. Sorry guys, I'm sure I'll perk up later, it's just the early morning depressive phase. It's a long week, dealing with some tough, emotional things so probably just a bit worn out - and the next couple of days are going to be equally tough. Anyone got a time machine?! Take care everyone xx

Morning. Yesterday I felt very very low, today I just feel kind of bleak. I may not come on here for a few days, as I don't really have anything to say that doesn't sound like a 'whinge', and I know this is all my own doing so I am hating that about myself. I hope you all have a good Valentine's Day today xx