Need help again.

Hi anniel... glad to read that the writing is helping you and the gambling gremlin is quieter. Stay strong in your resolve not to gamble... difficult feelings do pass. Take care... S.A

Hi Anniel,

Writing is a good way to keep your mind intact and calm.

Keep going strong, keep believing in urself and making the right choice. As time passes, urges becomes less frequent and intense.

Nice and steady, day at a time. You will find urself where you want to be. Never give up the fight, you are worth much much more in your life.

Keep it up

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks to both of you x

I am in a bad place right now...it feels like there's a thick high brick wall right in front of me and I can't get over/under/round it but am just waiting for it to collapse and thinking it will probably land on me and anyone else close and it feels worse because I put it there. I know that's a strange analogy and it probably makes no sense at all to anyone reading this but it's the closest to how I feel. This is the worst...I thought I was at rock bottom before, but now I know better - or should I say worse. It's all such a mess 🙁

Anniel,

I truly relate to your feelings, don't let it get to you. Wall might feel like crashing on you, but you are strong enough to avoid the disaster. Keep belief going, don't be hard on yourself. .stay calm, keep breathing..it is not easy way to go, this road is full of bumps and obstacles. But you can do it dear fighter, you are worth it, and only you can make that change gor the better.

This sad feeling will pass, please believe me,, you are not on your own, we all been there..it is bad place to be, but you hav to see that tiny bit of light ahead. It will get brighter, it will get easier my friend...tiny baby steps...just that little further from self destruction. ..you will come out the other end.

never give up giving up. You are worth so much more good things in your life. You will get there, 100% will dear fighter.

((((( Anniel )))))

my thoughts are with you

sandra x

Thank you both so much for your kind words. I am not going to give up giving up, I know that's not the answer, I just don't have an answer and feeling quite lonely. I do believe there'll be better times ahead, and I am trying to take steps to ensure that, but it's not going to be a quick fix and I am scared that the wall will collapse before I get to that point. I am not scared for me - to be honest, it's my doing so it's probably right for that to happen - I just don't want my family to feel the impact any more and they so obviously are. Guilt and fear are awful emotions, but not as awful as I will feel if the 'wall' comes down on my family.

Thank you so much for your comments, I will think of them today when things feel overwhelming. One foot in front of the other, keep breathing.....xxx

Well, got through another day. A few difficulties, but still standing.x

Still here. Sun is shining this morning. Don't know whether to laugh or cry at the news this morning that .....(PLEASE NOTE I HAVE REMOVED SOME OF THIS POST IN CASE I CAN BE IDENTIFIED BY THE DETALS); I am going to try and focus on getting a few little things together using some of the money I would previously have gambled, as well as paying off debts. It's a terrifying amount I owe - far worse than I knew. I have started making arrangements to pay some of them but hitting a brick wall with others. I know how hard it was after my mum died to sort out all her finances and I really don't want my kids to face this awful mess ever, it would taint their memories and affect them forever.....so, that's what I need to imagine every time the urge grabs me. I want a life again; feel like I've been only half-living for many years and have almost forgotten how. I think it was escape from grief (losing 5 people, and almost losing my son too, in a short space of time - still can't think about it without a sense of utter panic) but now I need to face it. I am not sure how, when I need to be strong for my family, but I need to find a way. I am crying at the THOUGHT of thinking about it all....maybe I need to figure out a way of getting away on my own for a day or two, somewhere really really quiet where nobody knows me?

By the way, for anyone reading this: I am using this diary as a sort of personal self-counselling; I don't know what I am going to write until it comes out, which is proving to be really helpful for me x

I have edited some of my previous post and changed my screen name as I have become aware that someone in my family may be able to identify me by some of that. I may not continue to use this diary - if not, I wish you all well. I will beat this. Don't give up giving up. I will still come on and read your diaries xx

get new diary going , i think you need to be on here to keep clean of gambling, your choice but surely new name and less detail will hide your diary from them if you dont want them to know , but i know it is kind of a replacment for me with my gambling on top of being able to share to help me stop gambling good luck what ever you do