NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Any message of hope would be much appreciated right now. My mental wellbeing is darting from mania (when reading people's success stories) to depression and despair (when reading about people who have relapsed)

I'm sure anyone who is familiar with this see-saw mind state has been where I've been and could offer some solace. Please help.

Hiya Buddy I feel your pain :((.

I don't know you but your "Not anyone to me " your a mirror to the way I was when I stopped gambling nearly 3 yrs ago when I came to this place after a nearly 40 yr gambling problem .

I've no been here for a while but still read the forums when time allows and believe me when I say your not alone with what addiction has done to your life .

The straight answer is that there's " No quick fix " and things have to be dealt with in some sort of order but in order of priority and only you know what those priorities are ? .

People here who have gained any lengthy gamble free time myself included will alway's describe honesty as being one of the priorities most important to becoming well again and moving forward with any sort of recovery . Honesty not only to yourself but more importantly to those around you , of course that's all down to you my friend but gambling particularly thrives on secrecy and allows you to pick up where you left off when the urges strike , which they will even though you feel like s***e at the moment . No judgement buddy on the way you choose to handle things but you'll need all the support you can in order to overcome this thing and I can honestly say that when I had " The Conversation " with My partner and kids which I really didn't want to do , it was the first time I'd ever felt as though I'd taken back some of the hold that gambling had over me :)). Youv'e already said that your wife " Knows something's up " ? , mine is far from stupid although I fed here enough Bulls hit to make the local park come into full bloom in December !!.

Thing's like " Honesty and integrity " don't sit well with us Compulsive gamblers and we over time become the masters of deception and that's always a good thing to tackle early on as are self exclusions and not giving yourself access to funds in order to gamble because if there's no fuel then the fire won't burn will it ? .

Mate you can do this but you need to make some real life changes , it's scary and it's early day's for you but trust me when I say that I felt exactly the same 3yrs ago as you do today but it does get better , slowly at first butthen you like me didn't get her quickly did you ? and every gamble free day allows you to face things head on and make them better and see a brighter future .

Check out Mixers plan for what you need to do at the top of the recoveries page , it's full of very usefull stuff :)) .

Look after yourself Bud , take a deep breath and take one day at a time for now eh ? .

A9 :))

Thank you SO much A9.

I will ponder on having that conversation with my wife... maybe she'll surprise me and be stronger than I imagined.

Yes "one day at a time". I'll take that on board for sure. I'm sitting here with a calculator trying to work out how I am going to manage this month and the numbers aren't adding up thus far - making me have a panic attack! Maybe like you say one day at a time then if I am struggling I will sit down and deal with it then.

Thanks again for the post. Thank you. I hope like you say I can do this. Long road ahead.

Jeez... Day 3 and I am LOW.

Day 1 and 2 I was finding solace in positive thoughts. Today I can't get out of bed. Consumed by the debt and who I've let down. I just need someone to tell me to keep going. I hope to god this gets easier to deal with over time. I hope I've got the will power. Please someone just remind me it's going to be ok... I'm struggling here.

Ok taken a deep breath and telling myself one day at a time. I don't think over time I'm going to be able to service the debt I'm in. That's what's killing me right now. However I'll get up now and just focus on having a good day.

Firstly, take a breath.

If you are 100% sure you are ready to beat this, you will! Have faith in yourself. Willpower alone will not be enough though, put Every block in place, don't keep even one avenue unblocked because as I said willpower is not enough. Tell your wife, I learnt keeping this addiction to myself made me ill, tell her, she can't help you until you do and she will help, you will feel relieved for telling her. There are no quick fixes but one day at a time, that's all you can do but if you want to succeed this is how it goes, one day at a time. I'm impatient so I know how frustrated you must feel but as each day passes you will be one day closer to getting strong again, one day closer to being the man your family love and deserve.

You saying you want to end things.....PLEASE get help for this, NOW! Get counselling, you are worth it!

I've not been on this recovery journey for very long but I can relate to how lost you are feeling. Please remember, it will get better!

Keep yourself busy, urges will try and take over but they can't if you are busy doing something else.

Take care

Dx

Thank you Donna, thank you. I really needed support and you were there when I needed it. I pulled my car over to breathe and look for a word of inspiration from somewhere and saw your message.

It's day 3... I guess the shock subsides and you're left to deal with the reality of what you've actually done. I tried to tell my wife what I've done but couldn't bring myself to. At the moment she thinks I'm depressed and is managing our son and making sure I'm not left for too long on my own. I've been working out how I'm going to tell her what I've done... I probably will in the end.

Ok. Feel recouperated after reading that. If anyone else could just post a kind message urging me on here and there I would appreciate it so much. I just need to be told I can do this on a daily basis. Maybe one day I'll stand tall again but for now I'm in a crumpled heap on the floor. And I need to get up again for my wife and son.

Everything changed in that 30mins when I logged on... Everything changed.

I'm glad you read the message when you did, really I am.

Maybe tell your wife by writing it all down and giving it to her, that way you can get everything said and will also give your wife chance to absorb it all. Yes she will go through all the emotions and that will be hard for you to deal with but you have to remember this information will be new to her so give her time. My husband was more upset with me for not being able to trust him with my problem rather than the addiction but now I can talk to him when I'm getting urges, it helps trust me!

You CAN do this

Thank you again Donna. I'm glad I read the message when I did too.

hi signalman,

thanks for commenting on my diary, means a lot. that's the whole reason I use these forums is to take inspiration from people who've been going a lot longer than me. some people have done remarkably well considering their starting position. I have faith you will be the same.

you're right in so much of what you say, the reality kicking in is brutal, came after a week for me. I was in this bubble of being a 'new guy' but then it sunk in what I'd done and who I'd hurt.

As for the money, the number is painful but at the same time somewhat irrelevant, at the time of my gambling I would have convinced myself I could turn ВЈ100 into £200 or 1 million into 2 million, it's that mindset that makes us gamblers and not financially savvy people.

please keep commenting on the forum especially with your decision not to tell your other half. when my gambling was at its worst my partner had lost so close relative, wasn't the right time to be open with her. maybe just give it time??

keep going, there will be negative and positive days but even when I feel lowest, I know it would be made worse by gambling.

all the best,

A

Thank you A. I feel like a beaten man. A **** father and a **** husband. I've let my in-laws down and my parents. I don't deserve anything that I have. I threw it all away in 30 mins.

However my wife is in town right now. I was planning on telling her when she gets home and puts our son to sleep. Then I convince myself not to... And tell myself I can beat this quietly. My mind is all over the place. I think I'll just keep myself mega busy today with chores and keep the radio on in the background to distract me. I'll keep reading your diary A as I do find it therapeutic... It really rallies me when I hear you've been for a run or spin class. I'm going to get back into the gym next week. Day 3 and I am still broken... Broken and depressed. But here's hoping I have a good day and get things done.

Thanks again to anyone who took time to read and has a spare minute to keep my spirits up.
At the moment I don't know what the future holds... All I know is that logging on here gives me hope and an element of strength.

Just had a light bulb moment where I realised if I wallow in self pity I'll make myself worse or relapse due to loss of all hope.

Each day I'll do my best to be productive and useful and generate positive outcomes then I'll post them up so when others read it will instill hope and positive vibes within them rather than sadness.

Just done a load of cleaning at home. Consumed by thoughts of what I've done but trying to blot them out and listening to the radio.

Liverpool flying this season :o)
Come on pool!

Also if I wake up and can't get back to sleep I'll just get up and start doing stuff rather than lie there thinking. I can always catch up at some other point in the day or get an early night.

Hello Signalman.
I understand where you are at the moment and the self hate and despair.I let my wife down 10 days ago and it took me 5 days before i managed to tell her.The first night and day after was horrific and my son even ended up hitting me in frustration at my lapsing after 9 months of not gamblinv online.
My situation is differant to yours and this problem has started late in life for me.Im 57 and up to 3 years ago had never bet but personal stuff happening at once found me running to the bottle to hide and this led to binge gambling.
Things have got easier over the week but i would strongly recommend you phone the advisors on gamcare everyday for support and also arrange for one to one counselling. Also today on the Gamcare news letter there are some great tools to download and use.
I am 100% here for you if you need to talk or let out your pain.
Keep strong now and focus on the day each day.The past is done with and you can and must do this .